First post, BM drama
Hello, new here. We have an extremely toxic BM on our hands. Husband has shared custody. There was a recent court order in June that told BM to stop abusing SS. she's slapped him recently, but lawyer says to wait before we pounce.
Yesterday, SS told DH and I that BM called the police on him. He says they were talking about his grades in school, and how horrible he's doing. He told her he was doing well in school, he is. We can access gradebook. He has all A's except for 1 B in English. (He's 12 btw) When he said he was doing well, BM got upset and told him he was being disrespectful. His SDad grabbed him by the wrist and was going to drag him to the neighbor to make him do push ups. (Neighbor is exmarine, this is not the first time SS has mentioned being disaplined by neighbor. ) SS says he told SDad to get off, but he continued to hold his wrist. He says he then tried to push SDad away, and that escalated slightly. SS then punched SDad, but he says there was no real force to the punch, and he was just trying to get away from SDad (who had physically abused him in the past). He said BM freaked out and started screaming that she was going to call the cops. He says she actually went outside and called 911. They showed up, talked to him a bit (about being respectful to your parents) and left. SS said BM told him that she told the police he had also bitten her.
My husband and i are at a loss here. We don't know what to do. Obviously, he has requested the call record. We'll probably get it in a month. In the meantime, how do we deal with this? And why would BM call police for something so minor? What is the long term goal here?
Background: BM is EXTREMELY toxic and narcissistic. She always wants to be the victim, and makes every. Single. Thing. About. Her. She has also tried to take SS away on numerous occasions. She's filed protection orders saying husband is abusing SS, she's filed police reports about my husband abusing her, she's filed police reports against me saying i stole her tax money (lol, that one i find particularly funny), and of course she's spread countless rumors about me and hubby. We are so tired of all of this. This includes SS. he's so done with BM. He just wants to be a kid.
How can we help this poor baby?
- Prairie_lynx28's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
She called the police so she
She called the police so she could have a piece of paper (police report) as proof she is a victim.
I dont have any advice on how to help him if he won't stand up for himself and start telling mandated reporters such as asking to speak to the school counselor that his mom and sdad are abusive. But women have to practically kill their kids for CPS and courts to acknowledge they are unfit.
I ask him all the time why he
I ask him all the time why he doesn't tell teachers or why didn't he tell the police what really happened. He says things like "I'm afraid they will punish me" or "I didn't think they would care/believe me if I told them" they have brainwashed that boy into thinking they are the ultimate rulers of the universe. How do I undo this training? We only want what is best for SS. And I've got one on the way, and I don't need the stress of thinking an innocent child is being abused, and I can't do anything!!
From what you said he doesn't
From what you said he doesn't sound brainwashed. He's sounds scared. And he is most likely right about getting harsh punishment for reporting them. I have a friend who would tell the counselor about the abuse his mom did to him and she would give it to him twofold afterwards.
If you guys have been reporting her for years and she always convinces the investigator she is not the bad guy then the boy needs to record the abuse he gets in that house is probably the best evidence if they don't leave marks on him.
Its a broken system that favors children to stay with the mother.
Ok, lets talk about current
Ok, lets talk about current visitation plan. I guess mom is primary and dad may have every other weekend, correct? How old is ss? How often does dad see his boy?
Dad should have all school contact info. He could (dad) call the school counselor. Maybe make appointment with the counselor in person or on the phone. During the meeting, just you, dad and counselor, ask to go over his grades. Then explain concerns.
That is a start.
We see him every weekend, and
We see him every weekend, and 2 weeks on and off in the summer. Dad sees him in the evenings, i take care of him during the days. SS is 12.
SS has a therapist that he speaks to, and we have also spoken to her... I'm not sure I'm following you about the school counselor. It's a game, unfortunately. These counselors all meet BM, usually before we do. She spins tales of how abusive and evil we are, and when we get in there we have to make a good impression (which usually involves several visits) before we can make accusations ourself. And even then, SS won't tell anyone else about what they do to him. The counselor will ask "how are things at your mom's house?" And he will say "good" or "fine".
You see, for several years SS was seeing a therapist we didn't know about and BM coached him before every session to say he was happy with her. I think its just his default setting to say "fine" and disassociate. I try to tell him NOT to do that. I tell him he NEEDS to tell other adults about this so we can prove we are not making him say this stuff. But he still says he's afraid or doesn't think they would care.
Sometimes I think that means he's making it up, but I want to have more faith in him. I have just never let anyone push me around, and I was abused by my parents as a child. I yelled at them and locked myself in my room. And when I had a job, I left. I don't understand this fear he has, when he can get away! I didn't have a second home to run away to, I had to leave myself.
My reasons to comment about
My reasons to comment about school counselor IS they are your alleys.
Or should be. They are also mandated reporters.
I would put the counselor on notice by scheduling an appointment either in person or by phone, 'although we are very embarrassed to talk about our family troubles with you, SS is having a very hard time. Would you please keep an eye on him...blah blah blahhh". MOM told him she called the police about his grades...blah blah. SS told us he is afraid of xyz.
OR not, it is totally up to you.
jmo