So Angry and Fed up
So we have had full custody of 4 SK for the last 5 years. BM is not in the picture and my huband works out of town 4 days every week for the last 3 years. (basically I am raising 4 kids by myself) MY SS14 is basically running our house and nothing I do punishment wise even fazes him. He refuses to do chores, leaves and comes home when he wants to, sneaks out of the house in the night, skips school, makes all the other kids in the house scared to be around him, punches walls, continously runs away, starts fires in the house, tells me to go beep myself, literally does no work at school and failed all 7 classes this first 9 weeks of school and so much more! He also wants to form a gang and go live with his homies he said. I am to the point that I just want him to leave the house so that it can once again be a safe haven for myself and the other children. My Husband will not punish him, will not raise his voice to him, makes excuses for him on why he does something, I take something away from SS and husband will give it back to not rock the boat. He gave permission to SS to stay out until 9pm every school night (even though he failed all his classes) wants to buy him another phone (because I got rid of his last phone). Doesn't seem to care that he is going to a girl's house after school every night and getting his way with her (his words not mine) I told my husband that he can't be the only one handing out the rules for SS when he refuses to deal with his behavior especially since he isnt around 4 days of the week. When my husband is home he treats the SS like he is the best thing since sliced bread and barely talks to the other children. Thinks of fun things to do with him (like a reward) Now I am struggling with three other kids trying to not be good kids so that they can do bad things and not get into trouble. I am so angry and I feel betrayed by my husband. Is it wrong to feel like he isn't protecting me or that he doesn't care how his son talks to me? I'm just so disappointed and angry that he won't deal with this juvenile delinquent behavior and I am totally losing respect for him. Any thoughts on all of this would be greatly appreciated as I feel lately why am I dealing with this crap when I am not the biological parent?
Why are you dealing with this
Why are you dealing with this crap?!?!
Seriously? It doesn't sound like you have children of your own...why are you a slave to your husband and his ill behaved children? Why are YOU doing the raising of HIS KIDS?
Why aren't you out living the life of a childless adult?
Quit wasting your life on this mess.
I do have two sons but, they
I do have two sons but, they are 21 ( In italy for the AF) and 24 (in College)
For some reason I feel obligated to the three children who aren't bad eggs. I often think that my life would be much easier without all of this hassel:)
You can't do or care more
You shouldn't do or care more than the bio parents do. Especially if the kids treat you like crap. That has worked for me. I used to get myself all worked up trying to fix things that weren't mine to solve.
Good lord. You are raising
Good lord. You are raising someone else's children and neither parent will even help you.
You are being used - and mistreated in the process. Please make an exit plan. I get that you care about the younger children, but you don't owe them your sanity and well-being.
Your marriage is completely
Your marriage is completely out of balance. You are being used and exploited by the man who vowed to cherish you, but you also bear some responsibility because you continue to offer yourself up for abuse.
Most of us are here because we are/were in dynamics where dysfunction is present, and most of us had no idea what we were getting into or what the best practices are for being married to a man with kids. You're not the first stepparent to end up with the skids dumped on you, so you're not alone. But you're here because you're unhappy, and because in your gut you know that the current arrangement is NOT working.
First and foremost, those kids need their dad, not you. I get that you and your H approached this as a team, but there's simply no substitute for a bio parent, no matter how good your intentions are. Outsourcing isn't working for anyone except your H. These kids have already experienced trauma and likely have issues with abandonment. They need structure, security, therapy, and time to build a strong emotional bond with their one remaining parent. The eldest has probably been affected the most, and likely feels he's just gone from one uncaring parent to another.
Secondly, your H is not parenting effectively when he is home. It sounds like he's parenting from guilt, and taking the path of least resistance by dumping his kids on you and then playing the role of visiting uncle when he is home. If you're familiar with the term Disney Dad, then you know it's pretty common for noncustodial dads to want to just be the fun parent. They rationalize that they don't want to waste their limited time with their kids playing the heavy, so they choose not to parent. But what would your H do if you weren't in the picture? He needs to stop dumping his responsibilities on you. He needs to find a job with hours that allow him to be a present and engaged parent, and he needs to be the one doing the heavy lifting.
Second marriages are very different from first marriages in that each spouse brings their own baggage, obligations, assets, and responsibilities. While some overlap is normal, it's best to have firm boundaries and keep things separate. It's sounds as if you've given up your career to take care of someone else's kids; if this is true, you've made a mistake. In steplife, you have to be able to stand up for yourself and you have to be able to prioritize your own needs. Your role is to support your H in his parenting, not do it for him. You should be earning your own money and funding your own retirement accounts. Nice guys get used up in steplife, so you need to recalibrate your marriage and stop overfunctioning for your H. The cold reality is, you have ZERO obligation to his kids. HE is the parent; you are NOT, and the skids know that. You've been volunteering to help, and have gone above and beyond, but have every right to withdraw that assistance. And you should, because it's not serving you or the skids well.
Lastly, therapy, therapy, therapy. All of you could benefit from some support and guidance, including marriage counseling. You and your H need help to come up with a transition plan that gets him home and engaged in raising his kids, and you need to be on the same page with parenting. Right now, he's spending his three days home undermining you, and then leaving you to deal with the fallout. Well, you need to put on your bi!ch boots and lay some truth and expectations on him. Get him into marriage counseling, and get some healthy change going in your home.