Skids know i do not like them at all.

they respect no boundaries or privacy, are rude disrespectful and lazy. They know this because hubby has been forced to address these issues. Skids response are empty promises of change and sorry they didn't realise they did anything wrong or don't care.

ss22 favourite anawer is "person is stressed" just because hubby told him off about the unacceptable behaviour 

When I first started disengaging I'm sure they noticed. I wasn't helping with everything any longer, nor was I cooking and cleaning all the time. They CERTAINLY noticed that.  OSD had been withdrawing already and she just stopped talking to me mostly, because I didn't do all the fun stuff she wanted to any longer. And DH didn't do it either and all the planning for the house stopped. But I made sure I was still busy with friends and my own thing.  I'm sure she resents me at this point but I don't care.

YSD noticed too but she's less overt and has always been more reticent to talk. She mostly went to DH for things anyway - but she liked the structure I set into place (brush teeth, pjs, clean room, etc.).  She still does all that quite well with occasional slips. But I haven't taught anything more as DH doesn't back me up.

Sure, I feel bad for them but I don't rake myself over coals about it. I've not been allowed to parent so I don't. It's not my deal.

I'm not sure if mine notice. They aren't the brightest bulbs. Also, I'm not sure they really "noticed" when I was doing a lot for them. Right now, DH will usually go to the family cabin for his visitation weekends and for the past few I have stayed home. Not sure if SSs realize that I don't go because of them or if they think it's for other reasons. 

She is aware because I told her when she moved out to the housing we subsidize.  I told her exactly what we were paying and not one cent more.  I also told her I was done.

Because of her drug-induced memory and comprehension issues, I'm not sure she fully understood what I was saying.  But in the 4 years since, she has understood I don't go on her doctor appointments, don't discuss anything of substance, don't call her and am only civil and polite.

I'm normally a kind, maternal and tactful person so for me to get to this point tells you how bad it was.

When I disengaged and stopped doing EVERYTHING for the kids that were not mine, I was called stupid and lazy by SD who was 15 or 16 at the time. All 4 skids lived with us and I cooked, cleaned and took care of the little skids but I was disrespected and my authority was undermined by DH so I disengaged and it was great. It is near impossible to disengage when they live with us but I let DH handle them. I do not speak to the kids sometimes for days. It can be awkward but there is no reason to speak to them.

I'm sure she knows that I am not going to do for her what her BM does, but also I don't even try extracting her from her tablet like her BM or even her father so it probably more than evens out for her.