" ... a wonderful separated man who has been trying to process his divorce for the last two years without much success."

Can't find papers? Can't tell his kids to go fly a kite when they clearly need telling? Ex still has his cojones in her possession?

In any case, it sounds like he can't move on. Two years of this degree of confusion is WAY too much, especially if he's considering imposing his emotional mess on another human being.

RUN

ETA: "To his credit, my partner... has told BM numerous times that they have no future together."

Wut?? I would think that being divorced would have communicated that message fairly clearly. You sure it's official? I'm guessing not.

You don't want to be a side piece while he makes up his mind. RUN RUN RUN

Man, what is it with these adult skids that act like absolute toddlers.  Sorry you and your partner are going through this.  I do think your partner needs to cut off going to his former partners home and acting like a happy family.  Its disrespectful to you, and it makes no sense to keep the charade up.  If he wants to see his kids, he can do so elsewhere or have them come over.

As for his divorce, what's taking so long?  Has he filed for divorce yet??

I wouldn't call him your partner if he still has a legal wife.  He's her partner and they still have a home and debts together.  10 years separated??? That screams open marriage and your man has been free to do what he wants while still appeasing BM and playing happy family.  This relationship is going to be a hard uphill battle for you.  If BM wants him back you may want to consider wrapping him in a bow and sending him back.  This man will never truly be yours.  

Sounds like these "adult" kids are all behaving like 6 yr olds and egging each other on to behave more ridiculously.  I agree you should disengage, and also I would not be happy about my partner attending any meal, even if only briefly, from which I was specifically excluded.  He would never agree to such a thing either. 

I dated DH when he was separated, so I'm not against it, but OP, this man is not even emotionally divorced. My DH had a separate home and no financial entanglements left with BM, and he was ready to move on. Even then, BM made his life miserable dragging out the divorce because she was upset that he moved on.

Your SO doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of cutting ties with BM and moving on as long as he's giving in to what she "insists" will happen.  And if he does stop giving in, there is a good chance his kids will cut him off entirely, possibly for life, seeing how their mother is so good at playing the victim and insisting they aren't allowed to accept you into their lives.

So - be prepared that no matter what, this drama will continue in one form or another. Which form of drama can you live with? Him going to BM's to play Happy Family with his kids, or him sulking at your house because he set limits and now his kids refuse to have anything to do with him?

If he's worth all the drama, stick around - if not, might want to find a guy with fewer emotional ties to his ex-wife.

There is zero way that I would be in a relationship with a man that was still going to his Ex's (semi ex tbh).. and celebrating holidays in their marital home.. as a "co-host" playing happy family for the emotionally stunted adult children.  NONE.

Has he been living in a separate home for the 15 odd years they have been separated? or did he just start living away from there once you came on the scene (that might make it look like you were the homewrecker to them.. a narrative that his wife would likely want to run with).  Certainly dating someone who is still enmeshed with their prior family dynamics in itself is going to be a problem.. as you have discovered.

He is allowing them to gain more rope to pull against every time he gives in to their demands to see him without "you".  Every time he agrees.. they feel more justified and entitled to make that demand.  He needs to start to view his kids as adults capable of making their own decisions.. instead of kids who are "caught in the middle".

You also need to set your own boundaries and expectations.  It's reasonable to expect that your husband might see his kids without you at times.  Shoot.. you may not care for them as people and prefer it.  BUT.. he doesn't get a free pass to abandon you to run back to his marriage on ever major holiday.

So.. holidays are spent with YOU.. his kids are welcome to visit.  If they choose not to?  that is on them... and perhaps gift giving may depend upon whether they can bring themselves to come into your presence.. and home?  can't make it?  oh.. send a card.. come in person? a thoughtful gift.  They don't need to be rewarded for being brats.

Otherwise, he is welcome to see his kids on occasion without you as long as it does not include his wife,   That is a non-negotiable.  He also needs to resolve the divorce by a certain date.  There certainly should be some way that it can be finalized even if she doesn't want it.  

I don't know.. you will have to think long and hard about staying with a man who has to date not been able to prioritize you and your relationship.  His kids are acting horribly... but honestly, there is no law saying his kids need to like you or spend time with you.. but that doesn't mean he has to fall all over himself and push you aside when they demand it.

EDIT... I really don't mean that you are "at fault" for "dating a married man".. just that this guy really should have not held himself out as available for a fully committed relationship when he was still so involved with his "other family".. it isn't fair to his new partner.. you.

I won't judge DP about the divorce. My ex dragged out mine for years, by playing games like not showing up to court, filing ridiculous motions. I refused to put my life on hold and not be allowed to move on because of his antics.

That being said, from what you are saying. Why would you want a relationship with his kids anyways. It sounds like it would be an absolute nightmare for you, full of gaslighting and dramaticcs that would effect your relationship with DP. Take away Thier power and control. Disengage, tell him not to mention you to his kids anymore. You two live your life together. Have him keep his relationship with SKs separate. They will no longer have the ability to interject into your relationship and BM will no longer be getting information she can use to alienate them. They will have to find a new topic to discuss amongst themselves for Thier daily drama.

He needs to end the games with his XW.  Nail the divorce ASAP, get the home on the market since neither of them can afford to buy the other out.  Once the boat anchor of the failed family home is gone there will be room for change to evolve in his relationship with his children.  

Once his XW is no longer on the throne in what she has claimed as her castle her power will fade in a hurry.  Once your SO has his divorce papers in hand he can start to roll them up and beat both his XW and his children about the head and shoulders so that they are absolutely clear that XW has zero place in his life and zero place in his relationship with his children.

A former boss of mine was separated from his wife for more than 18 years with three adult children.  She was the most insane person I have ever experienced. He was the most pathetic person I have ever experienced.  She forced him to get tattoos as punishment so he wore Band Aids on his hands every day to cover them.  She would email the CEO of the company, customers, the whole team, etc... ranting about him being a drunk, a cheater, how he abandoned his adult children (All three of them still lived at home with mommy well into their late 20s and early 30s).  Last I heard he had bought them all a new family home in a different state and all four of them (DW and the three spawn) had moved into the new house.

I was shocked that he had not been shit canned years before due to his inability to deal with the situation and keep it out of the work environment. It got so bad that he was always trying to sell his foreign currency to new project members with a request that they mail a check to his crazy wench of a wife.  I refused. I think that set the stage for the work relationship that he and I had from then on.  

I would suggest that you do far more than just disengage from his spawn. Which is nothing different than is already happening.  You can't disengage from people who have not engaged.

This relationship will always have the looming cloud of his failed family and the severely damaged breeding experiments hanging over it.  The joy that you have with your kids will be devalued by his presence and your sensitivities to his pain over his own toxic children who will remain the minions of his hag of an XW.  Sadly, you will be her minion as well. No matter how much you try to ignore her and the broken adult SKids they will be a constant drain on you and this relationship. It will never go away. Ever. No part of your life will be free of the cloud that your SO's poor choice of mate and breeding partner bring to the party.

So, do yourself and your own kids a favor. Find a far less flawed mate who is not so enmeshed with his X that he remains married to her through 15 years of separation.... and counting. Find a mate who will not sacrifice himself, his life, his children and his partner to his toxic X.

Good luck.

Take care of you.

Rags brings up a crucial point when he says the sale of the home will be a catalyst for change. I hope you'll draw hard limits with this married man. Otherwise, you'll be the sidepiece forever.

IMO, you've been too kind and too tolerant of your bf's cowardice for too long. He and his wife have selfishly chosen to have their cake and eat it too, and in doing so have created screwed up, entitled adult offspring.

His kids have been granted far too much power, and have grown up seeing a dad who is little more than a wallet. So it's not surprising they resent the idea of your existance; as a mistress, you represent harsh, unpleasant reality -  and they don't want the status quo to change because all of them will be required to be more self sufficient. 

Forget about his kids, wife, and open marriage mess. Thanks to his weakness, you will likely never have a normal relationship with any of them. Instead, focus on YOU. Quit being so accommodating and instead advocate for yourself - because you deserve a Hell of a lot better. You deserve a man who is willing to move heaven and earth to be with you, not just take the path of least resistance. If I were you, I would calmly draw a boundary: "Hey ______, just need to let you know that I'm about done with the never-ending mess you have with your wife. I've been been nice, and I've been patient, but if you don't file for divorce in the next thirty days, consider this your notice to move out." Don't entertain any further discussion, just quit enabling and start taking care of you.

His excuses are ridiculous and I can't believe you are falling for them. One year, okay I have no knowledge in a divorce preceeding (mine was separated,  I heard through the grapevine but within 3 weeks he was bringing me divorced papers or else... my boundaries) 10+ years he is all out of excuses, including the kidaults.  YOU have to make it clear to him you are not settling anymore. Either he ends his marriage or you walk.  I would have been done with it but I can't speak for you. F his kids, they're adults and you don't need or want them in your life at this point if they are resilient, especially. This is insane.. Sorry so blunt but I actually read all the replies and you seem to be giving your bf a pass, making excuses and it's not acceptable. He's either with you or against you no in between. Trust me, the extra dramatics are because he doesn't know what to do and expect you to figure it out. DON'T..

I wouldnt be in any rush to meet his kids.  They are already primed against you since they will see you as the reason things changed for them, ie Thanksgiving, Christmas, house....it was all good til you came along.

The man doesn't sound like a prize tbh.  He sounds like he will go with whoever creates the most pain for him.  So he may give up the happy first family Thanskgiving etc but there will be things he will do (which will hurt you) to compensate for "taking that away from them".  He is weak.

Just wait till he tells her he wants to sell the house.

I don't necessarily see this as a case of a man wanting to have his cake and eat it too.  I see it more of a deep rut he had fallen into by the time he met his GF..that was a path of least resistance for him.  Then new GF is on the scene and she is not inclined to "make a fuss or be a squeaky wheel"... because she wants to be seen as the nice one that isn't giving him grief.  But, this allows a dynamic to continue for way longer than it should have.

He started this out 15 plus years ago with the best of intentions.  With 4 kids still at home and guilt of breaking up his family.  It was a noble gesture to allow them to stay in the home"till they were out of the house".. because he likely thought it would only be for less than 10 more years...and wasn't really thinking it all through as to what it would mean several years down the road when he had a new partner and this arrangement became a burden in more than just financial ways.

The continued celebrations at the marital home?  Again... best of intentions to cause his kids the least trauma...or at least that was what he was thinking.  He didn't think about the precedent he was setting and how it might impact his future relationship.  He wasn't thinking how a future change in the dynamic would associate that negative change with his new partner for his kids... kids who he didn't imagine would be lingering at home in adulthood.  perhaps there is even a touch of them understanding his thought to keep the home until kids were out of the house is part of the reason why two of them are still there.??

The not getting serious about the actual divorce wasn't a priority... just more rocking the boat and without a relationship... why was he in a hurry really... he wasn't interested in getting married... and perhaps there were other things that were easier.... with the legal relationship in tact.. like insurance? 

And.. while OP and her bf have now been together 4 years.. it becomes a situation of at what point would she start setting those hard boundaries and make demands of him?  first year... ah.. the relationship is new.. she doesn't want to be the bad guy and rock the boat... then 2nd year.. welll.... it's clearly serious now.. but it's complicated.. and it just goes on... boundaries are blurry and here they are 4 years in with him still way enmeshed with his old home/life.

And.. it's easy from our arm chairs to say.. "give an ultimatum".. but it's also hard for her having sunk 4 years in and understanding some of the struggle... to think about walking away so abruptly.  Yes.. he needs to make meaningful strides towards legalizing his divorce.. he needs to find out how selling the home would go... even if it means that his EX needs to get a loan for some portion of the home herself... certainly 15 more years down the line.. there should be significant equity in the home... and while he might be agreeable to some uneven split at this point to get things accomplished.. it's time for his EX to start living as an adult in her own right in a home she provides for herself.. and her kids if that is what shewants.. it's not really fair to continue to expect her EX to tote that bucket.

[I didn't make it through all the posts so my apologies if this has been said already.]

He may make the break with his kids for you. But just be careful as he may also start blaming you (outright or by implying it) for his broken relationship with his children. My DH started doing that recently because OSS has stopped responding to his texts and phone calls and has barely come over. Supposedly it could be because of me. And yet I don't push DH one way or the other but I can tell when he has tried to get ahold of OSS or even YSS because he gets agitated and frustrated and then gets snippy with me.

My response to his thinly veiled blame that his adult son won't come around because of me: you just said you're both adults. As adults either of you could have offered to meet the other outside of this house as to avoid me. It may be that there's some issue with me but I am not stopping you from having a relationship.

Unholy hell!  Please tell us you're not going to stick around after this post!?  He has "4" kids who are aligned against you, and their mom, too, and your SO is leaving you home to have dinner with his "family".  You won't like hearing this, but he's having his cake (You in his bed.) and eating it, too (His Ex and kids.)!  If he wanted a divorce, it would've happened by now.  Now, if you're okay with this status quo for security or financial reason or because you think you love this, I'm sorry-douche, feel free to keep sticking around.  The clock is ticking, though, dear, and you're losing important years of your life with the dude.  I hope you leave soon.  You don't deserve to be used and tortured. 

It's abundantly obvious that your partner wants to keep the status quo so he doesn't have to commit to you.  He has the perfect alibi.  

but what LEAPS OFF THE SCREEN AT ME IS:

1.) He's been separated 15 YEARS AND IS NOT YET DIVORCED??? That is a HUMONGOUS RED FLAG.

2..) He is NOT INSISTING ON PUTTING YOU FIRST and presenting as a COUPLE AT ALL TIMES!

Perhaps you need to take a few GIANT steps back and look at this entire picture. I mean, what has he got to lose? He's got a wife, and the kids don't want that marriage to end, which is most likely why he's been in it for so long. If a person wants a divorce it doesn't matter what the other person wants. It WILL GET GRANTED whether or not the other person signs off on it or approves it.  He's got you for a steady 4 year partner, bed warmer, cook, and whatever other services you provide...what ARE YOU GETTING OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP???

I needed to put my boots on to finish reading your post.

PLEASE, think this through logically and proceed from there. I also "dated" for 4 years, some of which the divorce was underway and took a very long time.

As for her being religious.  Hypocrisy is a huge issue in failed marriages where one or both are extremely devout and one, the other, or both are toxic manipulative evil people.

Being truly devout and a toxic manipulative asshole by definition are mutually exclusive. IMHO.

Some of the sweetest people of the highest character I have ever known are devout. Some of the most evil assholes I have every known claim to be devout.   My XW and her family among the latter. She was an adulterous whore and her parents were embezzlers.

I give someone claiming to be devout zero credit unless their proven consistent historic behavior is indicative of a quality person or character who walks the walk they claim to ascribe to.

I judge anyone by that same standard, devout or not. 

I have family that are dedicated church goers who claim to be good and devout.  Other than church attendance, the ones I am referring to are just not good people. A couple of them are proven repeated thieves who have ripped off family for $Tens upon $Tens of thousands, attempted to publicly ridicule good quality family members in order to deflect from their own crap, and are just not good people. Sickly sweet, well liked by those ignorant of their true character and manipulation  Sadly some of them bred more people just like them.  

One example got truly shitty when his half sister who was born 7mos after his parents married was trying to make contact with family members to learn about her father and the half of her gene pool she knew nothing about.  Me being me... accepted her request and we have been communicating in a genetic testing community for a few years.  I am truly shocked by the number of family members who have circled the wagons around the slightly younger half brother hell bent on trashing the oowl family member whose father was an adulterous POS.   I was asked to not communicate with the newly discovered cousin out of respect for the deceased other cousin (who was a dick to just about everyone) and to avoid causing his children and grand children pain.  This has always boggled my mind and I have been very open about the communication I have with the oowl cousin.

This fall was supposed to be a family reunion.  I forwarded the information to the surprise cousin and let my mom and aunt know that she would likely show up for the reunion with her own family.  Both my mom and my aunt cringed but were vocally supportive.  They just know the family and know that shit would get real in a hurry when the surprise cousin and her family showed up.

Covid killed this years reunion.  Too bad. I was looking forward to the fireworks.

I get that some people are just assholes. And I am fine with that, if... they don't try to wrap themselves in a cloak of character bullshit.

Devout or not.

Well this post is interesting!

OP - sounds like you have recieved much in the way of GREAT advice and you will hopefully keep us posted in how its going for you.

So, Ill just give my experiences.

Im 6 years in, 2 years married.

When I first met DH, he was "separated-not-divorced", but he was only JUST. We were friends for 1.5 years while he "transitioned". Of course I did not meet his children during this "transition" (starting to sound familiar?). During this "transition period", DH would tell me that he would go out dancing with "the ex" (still married, btw). And I saw them out and although they were not romantically linked I still thought this odd. Then once he took me to a festival because he got a weekend pass, took me Friday and HER, Toxic Troll Saturday. I fumed, but since we were still in the "friends" stage, I had no recourse except to just live my life.

He would tell me that he couldnt invite me over, because he never knew if she was there. She would steal his daughters keys and then drink beer and then stay the night, because had a few drinks. He did share that they were occiasionally still physically intimate (ewe), But that she was dating others, too. 

RED FLAGS WAVING. I had no idea about all these red flags, I just was on my own merry-go-round of life, and not really concerned about what he was doing. We were just friends after all...

THEN, after a year and a half, we decided to be in a relationship. A week or so into it, he took off for a friends wedding, about 2 hours away, with his two daughters. Told me that he would be back in time to be together. Well, turns out that Toxic Troll was also there, and it was a BIG FUN PARTY. He told me that the friend was a mutual friend of his and Toxic Troll, so he didnt feel he could bring his new relationship partner. He also told me that TT would tell others that they were separated and "just friends". Because their marriage was "just a peice of paper" .

I did not find out until much later, during a conversation. Amazingly enough I still married the guy....but on to the DIVORCE part of my story.

So, about 1.5 years into the relationship, I was still lving apart, but would visit almost 3-4 evenings weekly. I had met the children. It took 2 months for that to happem, they were 15.5  8.5. It happened when my DH insisted because the kids had already met her new BF of 1 week. YEP.

Now, onto the rest. I had heard that the family despised the BM, but not really known why. I myself have grown to desipise her too, but for different reasons. Well, come to find out they despised her because she would attend family events like Thanksgiving and Christmas at DHs' family home and trash talk him. Im like "when was this? When you two were separated and in "transition"?" YEp, you probably guessed it. He would bring her to his family gatherings where she felt she needed to justify their separation by tellling them how he is emotionally abusive to her, as well as verbally abusive.

Ok, so, about that divorce already. After 1.5 years in a relationship with DH and 3 years separated, I started pushing him. I really could not be in a relationship anymore with him. Then there were friends of his saying the same thing. I did research as to costing of a paralegal to do this thing, and his friend had a tex person who was a paralegal with a JD degree, who would do it for $1,500. OK, sounds good what is holding you back? Well, he jumped through many hoops during ou relationship, to appease Bm, because he did not want to rock the boat. ALSO because he knew that after the ink dried he would be liable for some kind of spousal support and child support. He "negotiated" down for spousal and they agreed to no child support because 50/50. They each would claim a child on taxes. Well during this process things got really super ugly. She texted really ugy things, she treated him horrible.

SO - if your man ever gets to this point expect a LOT of ugliness. 

I found out she did not want him to file because, although she had a serious boyfriend at the time, she wanted social security benefits, and you only get those if you are married 10 plus years. Then I found out that after 10 years, you can get spousal support "in perpetuity"...feck that, file!

Long story longer, one kid has aged out of visitation, one remains. Shes sweet, and considerate. A while after divorce was final, we got married. Since he had zero assets before with Toxic Troll, we have been busy acquiring assets together. We bought a house and bought a boat.

So - my tale started cautionary - basically I was where you are. I stuck it out with him and we are building a good solid life together. He has helped me through an abusive ex relationship, has helped me in other ways, and I have helped him through his divorce, and onward.

Oh  - and if you ever decide to get married to him, BM will definitely blow a total gasket.

SO - in short, should you decide to stay with him, he needs to get his divorce final. That will change everything. Secondly sell that house. Then he will be free to invest in a real and solid life with YOU. I think, rather than ultimatum, create a "timeline" so that your person can see the future with YOU. Something that flows forward, because he is still stuck in the cesspool of his failed marriage and toxic spawn are swimming around in the muck with him, sucking his life force. 

Best wishes and looking foward to your success story.