I think it depends on the situation. My Skids are both boys and live with BM. BM has also worked to marginalize DH and alienate the kids from him, so for the most part they are closer to her. However, they've gotten a little closer to DH now that they are older and can talk to him on their own or interact through social media with him. They are still more it the grips of BM, but now will speak a little more honestly with DH. For example, one will now tell DH how sometimes he doesn't know how to react because BM expects him to be angry with DH and he doesn't want to be, but he doesn't want BM to be mad at him, if he isn't.
I will also add that BM herself is pretty chaotic and DH and I are pretty straightforward and boring, so in some ways, one of them seems to like spending time at our home more, because he doesn't have to deal with the drama. We still haven't switched the CO and I don't think he would ever ask to move in with us, because BM would lose it, but his reaching the age where he's old enough to recognize and want to avoid the chaos has brought him a little closer to DH.
I believe it is impartive to consider the natural order of 'leaving a parent" which moves towards growing UP,,,maturity.
Usually that begins around 10 or 11, 12ish.
How old are the kids you speak of?
If they are in their teens and still sleeping in bed with their mom,,,you have a problem. If the kid is 5 and clings to mom..kinda normal but not normal if the child wont let mom go.
Is this child showing signs of walking away from mom,,,towards more independence/ OR not. That is one question to think about.
I think boys are closer to BM if she's been their primary caregiver before the split. Usually because BM is the default carer in most family dynamics. But have a higher chance than girls at staying in contact with their dad. It seems to be that way with my friends. Once they're old enough they can bond over outdoorsy, sporty guy stuff whereas most guys are a bit clueless about their teenage daughters
My 13 year old son is closer with me than his dad.He knows he can count on me and that his dad is selfish and has issues. Doesnt mean he doesnt live his dad, he just knows he can tell me anything and that I have his best interests at heart.
I think sometimes boys being closer to BM post divorce is from BM naming the son the new man of the house. My SS is closer to BM b/c she coddled and infantlizes him and strokes his ego. They also share the same mental illnesses.
There was a family featured on the news recently and the husband was either critically injured or ill (I can't remember the circumstances but his outcome was poor) and the mom said in the interview that her pre-teen son will have to step up and be the man to take care of the family now. All I could think is why a grown ass woman needs a child to take care of the family. She is a freaking adult and it's her job, not the kid's.
And that boy will likely be drawn to relationships with women who "need to be taken care of," since that's what he knew from his mother. Perpetuating the dysfunction.
Mine was 6 when we divorced. Thankfully he is close with both his step mom and dad. I will say being he is my only child it does affect what our relationship is like. With Covid we have spent a lot of time together. I always feel like we have a positive relationship that i think will stand the test of time as he grows up.
he treats hubby as a stranger and doesn’t acknowledge him despite living in hubbys home. Hubby is his atm.... ss is not close to bio mum also.... pas and abuse from bio mum and neglect turned him into that and he refused to open up and decided to stay miserable and make others lives miserable
I think it's a combo of things like: custody, primary caregiver history, child phases, household dynamics/child's sense of self and acceptance.
In my own situation my SS is closer to me than either of his parent-I am and have been his primary caregiver, he has lived with me and DH 50% or more of the time, his personality is closer to mine than his dads/moms (people pleaser) and he doesn't have to feel likes he's breaking a loyalty bind with BM or DH by choosing neither of them. In his toddler years he preferred to be with his mom, he is sensitive and she coddles him to keep him codependent. Once he got older and began to enjoy more "boy" things he swayed more towards DH. The fact that me and BM aren't gamers takes us out the running. In the case of BS, he can take or leave me and DH equally any day. He is quite independent. He doesn't have a whiney phase or ask for one parent over the other when he's not feeling good. He's still young though and I imagine once puberty hits the boys, they will move further towards DH's direction than a female caregiver.
and my son did go for visitation and I never put any barriers in the relationship. My son is now and has always been closer to me. His dad was a workaholic and never really spent a lot of time with him outside the once a week visitation schedule.
Personally, I think BMs win out every time, especially in divorce situations. You see divorced moms readily referred to as "single-parents," and that is regardless whether or not there is a present, financially contributing bio-dad. Yet, divorced dads are often reaffered to as "deadbeat dads," again, regardless.
Divorce blows the norm to shreds. If the bioparents both are quality parents and raise the children with the goal of them being viable independent adults the Skids can be close with both parents.
If one, the other, or both bioparents are idiots... the kids are screwed at some level. Regardless of who they may be clossest to.
Normalizing the environment where CODs are raised is important IMHO.
This is why so many kids who become Skids at a young age and see at least one parent in a healthy mutually respectful equity life partnership at least partially raised in a home with standards of behavior and performance have a chance at becomming viable/normal adults capable of a normal life and strong life partnerships where kids who struggle back and forth between the homes of broken adults become... broken adults. The more time they have with teh quality parent in the quality equity life partnerhship the odds of their reaching successful adulthood increases.
Three boys here. DS seems to be pretty equally close to me and XH. YSS is probably a bit closer with DH even though he's stayed at BMs mostly lately with his job. OSS doesn't seem to be close to either: he never responds to DH and BM thinks they are close but we know a couple of things about OSS that she doesn't know (well, until recently when DH told her).
It's probably based on the kid's personality and how the dynamic was set up in the split households.
I think it depends on the
I think it depends on the situation. My Skids are both boys and live with BM. BM has also worked to marginalize DH and alienate the kids from him, so for the most part they are closer to her. However, they've gotten a little closer to DH now that they are older and can talk to him on their own or interact through social media with him. They are still more it the grips of BM, but now will speak a little more honestly with DH. For example, one will now tell DH how sometimes he doesn't know how to react because BM expects him to be angry with DH and he doesn't want to be, but he doesn't want BM to be mad at him, if he isn't.
I will also add that BM herself is pretty chaotic and DH and I are pretty straightforward and boring, so in some ways, one of them seems to like spending time at our home more, because he doesn't have to deal with the drama. We still haven't switched the CO and I don't think he would ever ask to move in with us, because BM would lose it, but his reaching the age where he's old enough to recognize and want to avoid the chaos has brought him a little closer to DH.
I don't think there is a one
I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer to that.
something to think about while the question is asked:
I believe it is impartive to consider the natural order of 'leaving a parent" which moves towards growing UP,,,maturity.
Usually that begins around 10 or 11, 12ish.
How old are the kids you speak of?
If they are in their teens and still sleeping in bed with their mom,,,you have a problem. If the kid is 5 and clings to mom..kinda normal but not normal if the child wont let mom go.
Is this child showing signs of walking away from mom,,,towards more independence/ OR not. That is one question to think about.
Hope that helps a little.
I think boys are closer to BM
I think boys are closer to BM if she's been their primary caregiver before the split. Usually because BM is the default carer in most family dynamics. But have a higher chance than girls at staying in contact with their dad. It seems to be that way with my friends. Once they're old enough they can bond over outdoorsy, sporty guy stuff whereas most guys are a bit clueless about their teenage daughters
My 13 year old son is closer
My 13 year old son is closer with me than his dad.He knows he can count on me and that his dad is selfish and has issues. Doesnt mean he doesnt live his dad, he just knows he can tell me anything and that I have his best interests at heart.
I think sometimes boys being
I think sometimes boys being closer to BM post divorce is from BM naming the son the new man of the house. My SS is closer to BM b/c she coddled and infantlizes him and strokes his ego. They also share the same mental illnesses.
There was a family featured on the news recently and the husband was either critically injured or ill (I can't remember the circumstances but his outcome was poor) and the mom said in the interview that her pre-teen son will have to step up and be the man to take care of the family now. All I could think is why a grown ass woman needs a child to take care of the family. She is a freaking adult and it's her job, not the kid's.
It is sick thinking a teen
It is sick thinking a teen should have to "be the man of the family. SICK.
And that boy will likely be
And that boy will likely be drawn to relationships with women who "need to be taken care of," since that's what he knew from his mother. Perpetuating the dysfunction.
kids need to be kids, not the
kids need to be kids, not the man of the house.
Mine was 6 when we divorced. Thankfully he is close with both his step mom and dad. I will say being he is my only child it does affect what our relationship is like. With Covid we have spent a lot of time together. I always feel like we have a positive relationship that i think will stand the test of time as he grows up.
My ss22 lived with hubby since the divorce when he was 12
he treats hubby as a stranger and doesn’t acknowledge him despite living in hubbys home. Hubby is his atm.... ss is not close to bio mum also.... pas and abuse from bio mum and neglect turned him into that and he refused to open up and decided to stay miserable and make others lives miserable
I think it's a combo of
I think it's a combo of things like: custody, primary caregiver history, child phases, household dynamics/child's sense of self and acceptance.
In my own situation my SS is closer to me than either of his parent-I am and have been his primary caregiver, he has lived with me and DH 50% or more of the time, his personality is closer to mine than his dads/moms (people pleaser) and he doesn't have to feel likes he's breaking a loyalty bind with BM or DH by choosing neither of them. In his toddler years he preferred to be with his mom, he is sensitive and she coddles him to keep him codependent. Once he got older and began to enjoy more "boy" things he swayed more towards DH. The fact that me and BM aren't gamers takes us out the running.
In the case of BS, he can take or leave me and DH equally any day. He is quite independent. He doesn't have a whiney phase or ask for one parent over the other when he's not feeling good. He's still young though and I imagine once puberty hits the boys, they will move further towards DH's direction than a female caregiver.
I had a great relationship with my ex
and my son did go for visitation and I never put any barriers in the relationship. My son is now and has always been closer to me. His dad was a workaholic and never really spent a lot of time with him outside the once a week visitation schedule.
Here is a link to an article.
Here is a link to an article. The article is titled: 5 Reasons Kids Tend to Put Moms Ahead of Dads. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/darwins-subterranean-world/20180...
Here's a link to another site, less scientifically based, titled why kids feel closer to mom over dad: https://www.childrensdayton.org/the-hub/why-kids-feel-closer-mom-over-dad
"Mama’s baby, Papa’s maybe."
Personally, I think BMs win out every time, especially in divorce situations. You see divorced moms readily referred to as "single-parents," and that is regardless whether or not there is a present, financially contributing bio-dad. Yet, divorced dads are often reaffered to as "deadbeat dads," again, regardless.
Divorce blows the norm to
Divorce blows the norm to shreds. If the bioparents both are quality parents and raise the children with the goal of them being viable independent adults the Skids can be close with both parents.
If one, the other, or both bioparents are idiots... the kids are screwed at some level. Regardless of who they may be clossest to.
Normalizing the environment where CODs are raised is important IMHO.
This is why so many kids who become Skids at a young age and see at least one parent in a healthy mutually respectful equity life partnership at least partially raised in a home with standards of behavior and performance have a chance at becomming viable/normal adults capable of a normal life and strong life partnerships where kids who struggle back and forth between the homes of broken adults become... broken adults. The more time they have with teh quality parent in the quality equity life partnerhship the odds of their reaching successful adulthood increases.
IMHO of course.
IMHO of course.
Seems to be a mix
Three boys here. DS seems to be pretty equally close to me and XH. YSS is probably a bit closer with DH even though he's stayed at BMs mostly lately with his job. OSS doesn't seem to be close to either: he never responds to DH and BM thinks they are close but we know a couple of things about OSS that she doesn't know (well, until recently when DH told her).
It's probably based on the kid's personality and how the dynamic was set up in the split households.