Resentment & Grudges
I realize I am holding a grudge for past hurts. I realize I am wanting my hurt to be fixed but no one can heal it but me. I am curious how you get past resentment and grudges successfully? I feel trapped by my anger and resentment.
This past weekend my DH and I went on a four day mini getaway. We have rules for his 19yr old who lives in our home. No boys can sleep over and we must meet your friends before having them alone at house. Both my son's 14,16 were away with their father so my DH daughter had a house alone. We have been doing couples therapy to deal with blending a family. Right before we went away my DH had a talk with his daughter about no one stays over and consequences for breaking house rules. My DH said that she agreed and everything was great and she understood.If you go to my first post you will see she is not independant adult.
She gets her car etc paid for. A few weeks before this she never called to tell her father she wouldn't be home. So when we were away she ended up calling her father at 10pm at nithe asking if this boy could come over. We of course said no and she had a mini tantrum and said no fair and stop treating me like a baby. So after they hung up we see her on the ring camera sneeking him in the garage. We see him on our ring video camera. I was livid and so mad that someone was in our home. More importantly that she has zero respect for rules or us. So this had a huge impact on the next two days away. Our therapist told us to come up with consequences for breaking house rules. We did but not this exact situation.
My DH has a hard time giving any consequences or sticking to it. That is why we started therapy. We got home and had a discussion with his daugther. I was livid and not in a good head space. I have been hurt by his SD a lot. So my tone and attitude was not good. She had the audacity to tell me she could not respect me if I talked to her this way. My DH say's she meant she can't be vulnerable with me or open up. I agree I was fuming. I have had enough. She cried, apologized and said she has been trying with me and her father said he believed her and I don't see anything redeeming in her. I have so much disdain for these entitled childern.
I need advice if anyone has gotten past the grudges. I read that people with grudges are the ones with the issue and I agree that I need to move past all this hurt. I need to fix myself and heal. I have to live with her. I also have frustation with my DH. We have agreed on consequences, house rules and we are doing couples therapy.
Why do I feel like I am the one who has to suck it all up?
You can only get past the
You can only get past the resentment when you're in a better place. Whatever it is that caused the resentment has to be so thoroughly dealt with that you can trust 100% it'll never happen again. It'll take lots of times where given the same scenario DH will have to prove himself over and over until you believe him. My DH has promised to change, proven himself once or twice and not reverted but that's still not enough for me. My damage was years in the making and a few months isn't good enough proof. Everyone has their own timeline dealing with it and some stages just take longer than others.
You are the one who has to
You are the one who has to suck it up.
Your SD is entitled because DH, and I assume, BM, have made her that way. She feels she can do whatever she wants with very little consequences, and that fake tears will make DH believe she has "changed".
You can't get over resentment if the thing causing resentment is still going on. This is really an issue with DH needing to set better limits on SD, including letting her know that living there is a privilege, and if she can't follow basic house rules, she will have to move out. But, my guess is that he would never say that to her.
Next time you guys go away, insist that SD stays elsewhere. Put keypad locks on your doors so she can't get in.
WOW
Your SD is gooood at manipulating daddeee. Break the rules, SM gets upset, Princess SD cries crocodile tears and turns it around. By the time its over the SM is evil, who reduced poor widdle SD to tears who is "trying so hard daddee". DH is mad at SM.....rinse repeat.
Your DH created this mess.
You really need to discuss this with your therapist how DH never gives consequences so the cycle continues.
No answers just empathy...best of luck.
My understanding of a grudge,
My understanding of a grudge, is a past hurt that you still feel resentment over. Whereas in your case, the behaviour is still ongoing on the part of your SD. So you are not "holding a grudge" you are continuing to be pissed off with SD19, but also with her ineffectual father, who is also at major fault for not invoking consequences. I think it is time to tell her to find somewhere else to live if she cannot respect reasonable rules for living in your household, which you are entitled to set. She is, after all, an adult, not a child.
My resentment cleared up
My resentment cleared up almost instantly the day my DH put his foot down with the SS19 who thought he could do whatever he wanted in my home. SS packed his crap and moved out that same day. I lost about 260 pounds of resentment like **poof**
Ugh
My SSs could cry crocodile tears and say a few nice things and DH would turn one dime. And they knew it. They knew he fell for that shit. And they weren't happy that I didn't. And neither was DH. Since he bought it all the problem compounded. Not only was I now the problem because somehow I was at fault for them breaking the rule (for example it was somehow my rule that I forced DH into) I was now also at fault for thinking they are bad kids (for calling out the fake tears and insincerity).
Fast forward for now. YSS is better. Not as manipulative. Maybe he was young enough to influence. And no surprise, OSS (who was a better and more subtle manipulator mostly) has no relationship with DH.
DH didn't have an epiphany but he is finally being hit with some reality that he has no relationship with OSS and doesn't seem to have assigned the blame to me. Maybe he finally realized while trying to talk to OSS all on his own and OSS ignoring him that OSS is ignoring him, not trying to avoid the evil SM.
You are not
You are not holding a grudge. The behavior is still ongoing and you are angry about it. That is not a grudge. That is being actively pissed off. And from what I can tell, you have every right to be actively pissed off at both your SD and DH.
You are a lot nicer than I am. I would have had a hard time not seeing her on the ring camera and announcing to him "Hey babe - guess your daughter is about to get the high hard one after all. You must be so proud of your little girl! Maybe she'll get lucky and he'll leave a $50 on the nightstand." But I got so sick of my SD toward the end that I just let loose for the last couple of months before telling her to GTFO.
Your anger isn't a bad thing.
Your anger isn't a bad thing. USE it to demonstrate to your DH that this is not a small thing and his inability to give SD strong consequences has a huge affect on you and your marriage.
Only when DH can demonstrate to you CONSISTENTLY that your marriage comes first should you worry about getting rid of resentment and grudges. You can't trust your DH to do so yet, so you are always on guard. That takes a toll and you don't just "get over it."
I know you don't want to be angry. It's exhausting. But dammit, SD broke a huge rule and your DH should be the one to be mad at her. But he isn't. Instead, this is twisted around so that YOU are feeling all the guilt over your normal emotions. .
I'm angry for you.
I don't think you're feeling
I don't think you're feeling anger because you have a grudge, I think you're feeling anger because you're being undermined and disrespected in your own home. It will be very difficult to let go of this issue, if your DH doesn't acknowledge that he is repeatedly undermining you and your relationship.
This is key, “you're feeling
This is key, “you're feeling anger because you're being undermined and disrespected in your own home.” Oftentimes SMs are being told that they are jealous, resentful, controlling, you name it, when in reality it is justifiable anger because you're being undermined and disrespected in your own home. You are not wrong for wanting to have some say in what goes on in your own home.
However, many love to make us feel that way because it is all supposed to be about sucking it up and take it for someone else’s children. Very few, other than SMs themselves, even remotely take a SM’s POV into consideration. Very few ponder, hmm, what would that be like to have someone else’s misbehaved kids having the run of your own home? Nope, instead it is all about the divorced parents being able to have their cake and eat it too and being able to get some “mistress on the side” to take care of their children in a way that they themselves were never even motivated to.
You are angry because NOTHING
You are angry because NOTHING is changing. Your SD blows past your house rules and then when busted she cries "It's not fair, you treat me like a baby" and finally it gets turned and now somehow it's your fault and poor widdle sd is the victim. It's the same ole song, just a different verse.
I lived like that for a long time. I told my dh that the skids are "kids" when it's convenient for them to be a kid and an "adult" when it's convenient for them to be an adult. After all you can't expect a "kid" to pay rent and an "adult" should not have to ask to have someone over.
There was a post here on steptalk on 6/22/20 titled "Hateful Adult SD" and an excellent reply by Exjuliemccoy about "Karpman's Drama Triangle". Check it out. You might like the advise she gave.
Good luck
“Why do I feel like I am the
“Why do I feel like I am the one who has to suck it all up?” Because you are. Your DH has set it up that way. He has let his daughter know in so many ways over so many years that she is the alpha female in the house, or you could say that she is the #1 wife in the home.
He supposedly makes rules or sets boundaries, she breaks them, and then she suffers no consequences, or, even worse, he makes excuses for her. He has trained her to just keep doing whatever she wants to do, because why not!? He won’t hold her responsible for anything. And, then to boot, she gets the added benefit of knowing that she has not only controlled dad yet again, but upset her “Evil SM” yet again. Whoo-hoo! Every SK’s dream and daddy laid it all in her lap.
You do not have a SD problem here. You have a DH problem. He has, for years, been treating his daughter more like a wife and you, I'd imagine, more like a child such as by ignoring your concerns. It is the so popular ever-apparent role mess up that happens so often in step-situations. Everyone has been raised to know you treat spouses like spouses and children like children and in-laws like in-laws, etc. You’d think it’d be a no-brainer. But, you throw the term SM in there, and these well-honed and well-tried roles all go out the window. Next thing you know, dad is some kind of a$$ for not giving his little baby girl whatever she wants, so dad, rather than being a man and a dad, gives it to her and over and over.
Where does that leave SM? It leaves her at the back of the familial pack. It leaves her being the one who has to suck it all up all the time. This leaves SM looking for and longing for a husband. She married a husband. She didn’t marry, or didn’t think she married, a patsy enabler of a man who pretty much every time wants to take the easy way out FOR HIM. But what about SM. Why can't DH pick himself up by the boots straps and be a real dad and be able to treat his child like a child, and at the same time be able to be a real husband and treat his spouse like a spouse.
Yes, make sure you set those boundaries, strong with that counselor. Set up consequences and get your DH to agree to them in writing. My guess is he’ll wimp out again. However, if he tries to negate what he agreed to, you’ll at least be able to whip it out and show him.
Otherwise, if you want to save your marriage, then you’ll need to completely disengage from SD and focus only on your marriage to your DH. Disengage from your SD. You do absolutely nothing for her. She is your DH’s 100% responsibility, including cooking and cleaning and taxing, etc. for her. He now gets to be the one dealing almost solely with the monster he created. That way, in reference to his own daughter, he gets to be the one to have to suck it all up.