Sick and tired of being ignored in my own home
Why why why is my SO a decent, fun, loving human being but such a s**t parent?! We bought a great dining set with a bench on one side and white-covered chairs on the other side. Got it because the skids are now 10 and 13 and considered mature enough not to trash the furniture any more with pens/gravy/dinner knives. So the first few days SO and I said to the kids they sit on the bench and the white chairs are for me and SO. That's how we have dinner the first few days. Yesterday SO feeds the kids while I'm working upstairs. SO comes to tell me the kids are using the chairs, isn't that funny! He has that stupid Mona Lisa smile like he knows exactly what he's doing. He loves gaslighting and undermining me with those wretched kids. When I ask 'WTF, I thought we'd agreed they would use the bench? He goes all 'I didn't know you meant that as a permanent thing'. Like hell. Those kids have no clue about table manners, they spill everything they touch. SO knows that perfectly well. I'm sick of being overruled and ignored.
So how is his behavior
So how is his behavior "decent"? That wasn't about parenting, it was a passive-aggressive dig at you.
Welcome to the site!
I gather you haven't married this chap yet? I hope not, because he sounds like a bit of a knob head to me, as tog said, it was a passive aggressive thing to do. Of course the kids want to sit on "your" white chairs - one might have predicted that. Do these kids live with you all the time, or spend some time at their mother's? Because they have a lot of years yet to go before they launch.
Passive-aggressive sounds
Passive-aggressive sounds about right. Unfortunately dear skids live with us full time as Mum died. SO I feel has a misogynist side and left all child rearing to his late wife. He seems to be envious / silently resentful that I have a 'big' job, raised my only child to be a decent human being, am pretty independent and don't take crap from anyone, including his untouchable kids. I would definitely never marry him! I have my own money so he knows I'm here by choice. Back to his kids. What is it that makes some parents raise their kids as untouchable narcissistic mouth breathers??? I don't love them but I do care about launching them as functioning human beings. I find it's exhausting trying to suppress that instinct and not feel like I've abandoned these motherless kids. And to suppress the frustration that they're becoming awful people!!
Expect the skids to be
Expect the skids to be sitting there every time you aren't at the table.
SO didn't even pull the I forgot excuse. He let them sit there and then told you he allowed it. It was a deliberate power move to show you that you have no power to make rules for his kids.
So, he thinks it's funny that
So, he thinks it's funny that the kids are sitting in the chairs that they know they are not supposed to use?
After reading your profile, I think that this might not be the relationship for you. You want to embrace life and be part of a team, your SO, not so much.
He loves gaslighting and undermining me with those wretched kids.
Why would you want to be with someone like this?
Right. The smirky smile was
Right. The smirky smile was the clue it was intentional. Why put up with this?
Do you really want to live
Do you really want to live with 3 people that just want to annoy you and treat you like this in your own home? What are you getting out of this relationship?
I've asked myself that many,
I've asked myself that many, many times. Nobody's perfect but I feel it takes courage to be a parent, whether bio or adoptive. To be honest, I feel torn between: 'am I being precious and unrealistic about family life/SO/my personal happiness?' and 'my life is worth way more than these people and their screwed up values'. I was raised by an adoptive family as my BM was violent to me. So I've experienced truly terrible parenting but also the absolute love and care of people not related by blood. My own adult child is a wonderful decent human being. Do you see what I mean about feeling I don't want to give up?
Take the chairs and lock them
Take the chairs and lock them away. When SO asks where they are inform him that you cannot trust him with the new furniture since he cannot abide by the agreement he made with you. This is not about the Skids, this about your SO playing you, putting you in your place and clearly demonstrating that his precious prior failed family spawn are his priority far above you and the relationship she has with you.
If you do not have a room to lock the new chairs into, buy a covered bicycle cable and lock them to a pipe or something with that. Make a clear unequivocal point with DH. He abides by the clear understanding he committed to, or he loses access to the things he agreed to not allow the kids to use.
The kids are benched. DH should be benched as well. Unlock one chair for your own use then lock it back up with the others when you are done.
Some parents who cannot maintain active grey matter when dealing with their prior failed family spawn within the context of an active marriage need clear clues.
Provide those clues.
If locking up the chairs is not the way you want to go, get thick clear plastic covers for the cushions.
Lol love the idea of benching
Lol love the idea of benching the lot of them! And the plastic covers! I had a frank discussion with SO. I told him his control freakery around making rules is undermining me and I feel totally isolated from them. I was blunt. "Either you let me be me and parent your kids my way, with you. Or I will totally ignore them and therefore you because I don't respect the part of you that's the parent when you allow skids to behave like inconsiderate idiots. (No threats about leaving because that is totally obvious as where it will end up.) Ps I'm not your clone, I'm not your late wife so if you don't accept those things about me, that's too bad." I see now how he is a misogynist! He's never had an independent life partner, they've always been 'lesser' in terms of education, employment, decisions around the house. He's controlled everything about the house, money, holidays yet dumped responsibility for child rearing on The Wife. Sadly, she was a bit useless. Well, she's gone now and I'm not her. Like it or lump it, as they say! He was a bit passive aggressive like "woe is me, I'm a terrible father" but so what. I've said my piece, I'll see how things go and it's always my choice to be here or have my own life somewhere else. Thanks everyone for your views and advice x
I bet the kids sat there
I bet the kids sat there themselves and your SO was too spinless to say something. Passive aggressive types NEVER change.