SD coming to live with us
I have a SD15 who lives out of state with BM. I'm the main earner in my house, DH has been unemployed our entire marriage and began working this year part time. He was on disability before then. I pay everything in the house, literally everything.
fast forward to this summer. SD usually comes to us for the summer. This year he hands me his phone with the flight he wants to book, I say this is a one way flight, he says yeah she's gonna come and live with us. Errrrr what?????? I was not happy and this has filled me with resentment from before she even arrived. SD has now been with us for 6 weeks. I've disengaged right from the beginning, with the feeling that if I don't even matter to be consulted on this rather major situation then I am not interested in being responsible either financially or otherwise. I've been working full time from home since lockdown, in addition to studying part time online. A stressful situation, in addition to home schooling our 5 year old bio kid. DH works part time leaving me to look after them both while working and studying. Also - DH has guilty father syndrome, SD can not do anything wrong. She's been in trouble for inappropriate photos etc previously when living with BM, and my one request was she is not to post photos of our bio 5 year old on social media. I caught her taking videos of my kid in the bath, and found a photo of her on a public social media page with location, real name etc. I show DH asking him to get her to take the photo down, and all I get is "you don't like my daughter"
He's getting at me now asking what's my problem with his daughter, why aren't I making her feel welcome, why won't I cook her dinner, why am I helping our 5 year old tidy her bedroom and not helping SD etc. I state "she's not my daughter" he doesn't like that - I knew he had a daughter before we got married. Yeah but I didn't know she was going to move in with us as a 15 year old with no discussion.
I feel like a doormat. I've made it clear I'm not financially supporting her - that's up to him. I'm not paying for a car, college etc. he won't ask BM for child support. I'm the bad guy in everyone's eyes. Nobody sees why I am feeling the way I am. Every time I try to speak to him about it, it ends in a fight. I've had enough.
The reality is that you ARE
The reality is that you ARE financially supporting her, as you are the main bread winner.
If your husband could not afford to support himself and contribute 50/50 to your shared bills, he had absolutely no business telling you that his daughter was coming to live with you. Not only should it have been a discussion and a mutual decision, but really, he had a lot of nerve even thinking it was okay when he contributes nothing, financially (or otherwise, it sounds like).
And he won't make BM pay child support? But he thinks it's okay for you to support their daughter? Putting a roof over her head and food on her plate? Oh, hell no.
You have a difficult decision to make but it sounds like you might fare better on your own, since you are doing everything, anyway.
Know something? I'd have
Know something? I'd have booked a return flight regardless.
Right? I would have put my
Right? I would have put my foot down as soon as I saw that one-way flight.
Or, maybe booked 2 return flights and he could've gone back with her.
You are being used
He playing with DD and you are working paying the bills. Tell that loser where the door is. To take his DD and himself and go. Find some else to put up with this nonsense
Oh heck no!
No way I'd ever go for that. You're totally being used and taken advantage of. You should throw both of them out immediately. He has some nerve.
"DH, I pay the bills. You
"DH, I pay the bills. You want equal say, step up and be my equity partner. When I mandate that your daughter not post pics of my minor child or any information about our address and home I mean it. So, man up, get your kid under control, get an F'n job, or GTF out and take your prior failed family breeding experiment with you. Is that clear enough?"
An equity life partner does not need to be an equity earner but they absolutely must make an equity effort. I would say that based on what you have said about him, he is failing to step up. Failed parents who cannot tell the difference between not liking the behavior of a kid and hating that kid are not likely to be equity life partner material.
IMHO of course.
Buy a one way ticket for SD to return to BM and inform DH that he set the precedent for making major decisions without consulting you and you have made the decision to reverse his crappy choice without consulting him. He can either comply or they can both leave. The only thing they take when the go is the one way ticket for the SD to go back to BM and their clothes. Re-key the locks, protect yourself and your child from that shallow and polluted gene pool.
Good luck.