Help! Marriage on the rocks.
Forums:
My DH and I have a daughter (18 months) and I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I have two step kids (9, 10). They are with us for a year (through the school year). My DH is having an issue with the way I treat my SS and SD. He says I treat them differently than I do my daughter and I don't refute that. I just don't feel the same connection with them that I do with my own daughter, plus they are older, but does that make me a bad person? I'm just not sure where to go from here. Fake it til I make it? Help!
I forgot to add. My DH and I
I forgot to add. My DH and I have been married 2 years (June 2018) and I've been keeping them, by myself, for the past 4 summers. So I've had plenty of time and tried to create those bonds.
Ask him to give examples of
Ask him to give examples of these differences. Ask him what he expects of you. It's likely that his expectations defy reality. Studies show it takes at least 7 years to successfully "blend" a family. If he expects you to love his kids and and interact with them just like he does, he's living in a fantasy world.
Yes, I'd like some examples
Yes, I'd like some examples too. I find it hard to imagine how you can compare your treatment of an 18 month old (who is only beginning to learn about life) and your treatment of a 10 yo (who is well aware of boundaries, behaviour, etc.). Maybe if your DuH spent more time with his kids he'd understand the differing situations a bit better?
Mothers aren't like
Mothers aren't like replacement parts you can just order and install and they work just like the old one. Especially if the actual mother is still around!
Y'all are so awesome! I was
Y'all are so awesome! I was really down on myself thinking I'm this terrible person. He told me about other relationships he was in, prior to us, where he treated their kids like his own. But that's even different because he had kids when he met them. I didn't. This whole thing has been a learning experience for me!
And yes, their mother is around and they are usually with her. I think that's part of my block when it comes to parenting and "loving" them.
It's nice that he feels he
It's nice that he feels he was able to treat other women's kids like his own. However, the expectations of a mother vs a father when it comes to childcare are not the same. Yes, men have more pressure to provide financial support and discipline, but women are expected to be loving and nurturing, and also expected to spend more time with kids as is shown in your situation.
It can be hard to be loving and nurturing for a stepmom. Often the biomom gets in the way or the kids feel a loyalty bind that further complicates things. And if i'm being honest, if a biomom is very high conflict and uses the kids as weapons, it is very hard to separate your feelings for the mom vs the kids. It's hard to want to snuggle with a weapon that's been pointed at you. Treat them fairly as far as your actions (like the other poster said, if you get your kids ice cream get them ice cream.) Be kind and respectful. Then give yoursef a break.
Well.. Faking it till you
Well.. Faking it till you make it.. is one tactic that can help.. if you can genuinely "act" more caring.. the kids might respond positively.. so IDK.. it might help.. and you may over years.. actually come to care for them more profoundly.. but again.. they aren't your bio kids.. so I'm not gonna go all in "love" on it.
While you don't have to view them the same necessarily.. I can see him wanting his children to be shown equitable favor in his home.. Their expectations for behavior should be neither more nor less than your bios (age appropriate of course). His kids should be treated kindly.. and I would imagine that if part of your household setup includes you taking care of his kids while he works (if you are a SAHM and you have agreed to this balance).. that you do not do things like bring home ice cream only for your kids etc...
But, I would ask him exactly what he means.. what does he expect? If you treat his kids kindly and in a compassionate way.. and don't attempt to exclude them or heap blame on them.. ??? I mean.. HE is their bio parent.. he can certainly give them the hugs and kisses... he can tuck them in.. he can handle discipline for the most part too.. but I would want to see exactly what he sees as uneven treatment.
There is nothing wrong with telling him that you do care about his kids.... but that they are HIS kids and you don't have that same biological bond with them that he does. So, while you are helping him care for them.. and you care ABOUT them because they are extensions of him.. you can't force emotional connections and to an extent it may never be 100% the same with a stepchild as with a biological child.. it's just natural."
When I tell him things like
When I tell him things like "they are HIS kids" he acts like he doesn't understand that and understand why I just don't view them as mine because he's viewed someone else's kids as his own before. It's really becoming a strain because I can't get him to understand my feelings without him making me feel like I'm a terrible person. I never give my daughter anything and not them. If ANYTHING, it's the opposite.
If he so easily viewed other
If he so easily viewed other peoples kids as his own it's likely because he doesn't do much actual parenting. It's super easy if he's just a fun uncle to his own kids to play that role for other kids.
Plus to him, all the kids in
Plus to him, all the kids in the house are his, and he feels the same. He may not have the emotional capability to understand how different it is for you.
Just because he claims he
Just because he claims he doesn't understand, doesn't mean your feelings aren't real and true.
Maybe instead of him expecting YOU to change to fit his view of how the situation "should be", HE needs to love and trust you enough to comprehend that you see it differently. And I suspect that you have been trying to fit yourself into his view of things as well, trying to conjure up emotions that don't exist. Stop that. Your thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs, wants, and needs are just as important as his.
He's viewed someone else's kids as his own?
Well then if he's not with her/them anymore he must be devastated at the loss of "his" children?!
Please.
I TRIED FAKING IT
It doesn't work ! My SS has no bondaries doesn't nothing wrong in DH's eyes and should be allowed to raom freely. I have been faking it so long I am actually resentful of a child which I am ashamed to admit. I have know SS since he was 5 and grow to dislike more each day because of the way my DH treats me !
Don't be like other women on
Don't be like other women on this site who have neglected their own children to tippy-toe around the skids in the name of "fairness." Your FIRST PRIORITY is to your toddler. Don't ever not do something for your kid because of how the others may perceive it. How the heck can he compare the way you treat an 18 mo old to older children?! I think some counseling with someone well-versed in blended families may be in order to explain reality to him. Or read Stepmonster and let him read it too.
I'm definitely gonna but that
I'm definitely gonna buy that book!!! Thank you!
I started reading it! SO GOOD
I started reading it! SO GOOD!
Thanks everyone. It's just
Thanks everyone. It's just hard when there are these expectations that you feel like you need to live up to and when you don't, you're bad. I just wish he understood.
I mean your children are
I mean your children are younger than skids so when he tries to give examples of you favoriting you'd own children make sure it's not in situations that require you to help them. Like he can't be pissed you're paying more attention to the toddler-they literally can't speak up when they need help with something like the older kids can.
I've heard similar things
I've heard similar things from my SO. I have a 6 y.o. son that I raised as a single mom til I met him, and he has an 11(almost 12) y.o. daughter from his previous long-term marriage. In his mind, he takes a larger parenting role with my son than I do with his daughter. He's partially correct. I tried to explain that he came into the picture when my son was only two and didn't have a father figure at all. He slipped in at exactly the right time for my son to be fully open and accepting of him AS the father figure. That's why my son will snuggle with him on the sofa and why he can - without any trepidation - discipline my son the same as I can. His daughter, OTOH, was eight when I met her and had had a fully engaged BM her entire life, who still had 50/50 custody. She was accepting of me to a point, but I'll never be able to snuggle with her like a young bio kid, and the discipline stuff (at least most of it) should definitely be up to my SO. Also, he has say in my son's activities and things like dental treatment (we recently had to make a decision in that regard, and did so together). Whereas, I have zero say in SD's schooling/activities/medical/dental. He only consults with BM on those issues, to the point where I feel like I'm playing second fiddle and excluded entirely. I'm usually the last to know when an activity or parenting schedule has been changed! Another point of frustration for me. Anyway, all that to say, it is like comparing apples to oranges. So much of it depends on when you come into the skids' life and how involved their other bio-patent is.
YES - Tessa puts it very well
Perhaps read her explanation to your DH. I see where he is coming from, " They are all mine". She explains the difference.
Agreed!
Yes, their mom is in the picture and they are with her most of the time, although they will be with us for the school year. They don't need a mom, they have one. They literally call me "Ms. [my name]". All of that just makes the relationship different.
My SS and I have the same
My SS and I have the same bond that your son and DH have. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. We also were void of the complexity and drama of me having any BKs.
Ours is about the simplest configuration of blended family situations and likely the easiest to navigate for everyone.
Um, your husband is the SKs
Um, your husband is the SKs Dad. By default, he should be doing the primary parenting and discipline. I'm sure you disagree with how things are handled sometimes with the SK (me too), but that's when I remind myself and my DH, that it's HIS responsibility. If he doesn't like the tone or how I'm interacting with SD, then he needs to deal with it. Why should I be the only one asking her to brush her teeth?
And yes, you're going to treat a newborn and a pre-teen differently. I think this one is obvious. I'm assuming your DH is just making general blanket statements with how you interact with SKs rather than an ACTUAL problem.
Yes!
Yes, blanket statements instead of actual examples. I've decided that I'm going to take a step back from doing all of those things (I.e. brush your teeth, clean your room, make your bed, take a shower, etc.) so he can actually see how much I do on a daily basis.
No, you are not a bad person.
No, you are not a bad person. So purge that crap from your brain.
You have a toddler, you are pregnant, your Skids are older and your DH obviously is a moron. Time for a clear conversation with DH that informs him that he will have to change summer visitation to no more than 5weeks and that while they are in your home he has to be home or he has to put them in summer day camp during his working hours.
If he balks, have the best killer shark divorce attorney available on speed dial and solve the problem. Nail his ass for a pile of CS and when the Skids age out from under CS make sure it all gets added to your kid's support.
Good luck and take care of yourself and your babies.
Silly Rags!
"Good luck and take care of yourself and your babies."
She's obliged to take care of her kids, his kids, and--not incidentally--him too.
Of course. Sorry, my bad.
Of course.
Sorry, my bad.
DON'T feel bad! You are not a
DON'T feel bad! You are not a bad person for not loving his kids the way he does. No one will ever love your kids like you love your kids. He is very deluded if he thinks that. I would want specific examples of this "different" behaviour and see what realistic answers he can give you. Your 18 month old is going to require a very different kind of attention anyway! Even if the SKID was bio-yours, you wouldnt treat them the same?! Good luck and get some answers from him!