Vacation is ruined and we don’t even leave until Friday

Forums:

Married 14 years, 2 daughters ages 12 & 13, a SS 24 (not really involved in our lives - by SS choice), a married SD 31 and SIL 31, and a MIL 30 (they're wonderful, a part of our family unit, my oldest daughter says my SIL is more of a brother to her than her own brother), then we have my MIL who moved to a new state 3 years ago to be near my hubby, our daughters and me. All of my step kids live in different states.

Gave some background. Fast forward, we're going on a family beach trip. A real beach as my girls call it. We have never taken our daughters on a beach trip. Beyond excited doesn't describe them. Our family unit - us 4 and Mamaw - are leaving Friday and driving part way, staying at a hotel, and driving the rest Saturday. I invited SS Wed - Sat (we leave Sat). He found out we're leaving Friday so now he wants us to come pick him up and spend the entire week with us. I specifically planned the things we're doing Wed on around him. Everyone in our family unit knows I'm scheduled things the way I have (Michael coming Wed - Sat) so that we as a family unit could spend some time together then hubby would have time to focus with SS. Am I wrong that I still want time with my family unit without SS? Now hubby tells me I'm making a difference in his son and I know what that feels like, that he doesn't appreciate the shitty way I'm treating SS not inviting him the whole trip, sarcastically asked me if I wanted an award for inviting SS for a few days.

if SS was part of our family unit rather than hurting and breaking the hearts of people I love, I wouldn't have an issue at all. My SD knows the dates of the trip and is invited for a few days whenever she can, if she can. The difference is SHE IS PART OF OUR LIVES. SS can't come visit us (said he was coming at the end of May. No show) but now because we're going to the beach my husband feels SS shouid go the entire time and "I should be ashamed of the way you're treating SS". There were other words, but basically I'm a horrible step mom, I'm doing this for revenge, this is a chance fior jim to spend time with his kid and try to salvage any relationship. Hubby told me her has no say so and never does, this was supposed to be relaxing and all I've done is stress him out and tells me he's not going. Do what I want to do, I always do and he just keeps his mouth shut. Then he either shuts up or hangs up on me. He went to bed without us talking again. We've tried 4 different times to "talk" about this and he gets more irritated every time we try to talk.

Bottom line is this - I can't win. If I don't suck it up and say I'm ok with SS going, it's going to be a battle with my husband. And if I do suck it up I'm going to have yet another resentment to throw on the pile. This vacation was NEVER about SS. I invited him, without telling my hubby, from Wed to Sat. I admitted to my husband that me inviting SS without talking to him, hubby, that it was wrong. However, we had several talks about it and WHY I planner it that way. Hubby says the plans changed and I'm saying they don't have to. I feel like it's time for hubby to step up to his son and tell him WHY he wasn't invited the whole trip. It's the consequence of the years you haven't been part of our life. WE are taking a vacation and you're welcome to join us on Wednesday. Am I wrong in this? If I'm wrong, I will admit it. I've eaten a lot of crow in my life.

Thanks for any words that that you can offer!

You are not wrong

You are not wrong. Your plan, and your reasons for it, make perfect sense. I guess at this point you have to decide which will ruin your vacation less, sticking to your guns and refusing to have SS come early - or giving in and letting him come for the whole time.

You left a couple names in your post - but I don't think you can edit a forum post. Check with the moderator, she might be able to edit them out for you.

Well if DH throws his mantrum

And doesn't go, then SS won't go. This doesn't sound like a ruined vacation - it sounds perfect. You'll be minus two pouting grown man babies.

Take your kids and enjoy a relaxing beach vacation.

If you cave to SS' demands to let him muscle in on the full week, you and your kids will be miserable.

If someone can't be part of the family the rest of the year, then they should not get an all expenses paid vacation on your dime. Certainly not as an adult. That's just ungrateful and rude to invite yhimself like that.

Go enjoy your beach time (although I would have reservations with an ongoing pandemic...) but if that doesn't worry you, I certainly would not let DH nor his man baby son bother me.

In the future, disengage. Do not invite SS anywhere, do not do anything for him. You've seen that no good deed goes unpunished, so stop interacting with him. If DH wants to take a vacation with his son it's on him to arrange.

^^^^^^This 100% ^^^^

"If someone can't be part of

"If someone can't be part of the family the rest of the year, then they should not get an all expenses paid vacation on your dime. "

That's the bottom line right there.

Well - I can see why you are

Well - I can see why you are annoyed.

But I can see why DH is annoyed, too - he wants a relationship with his son. May I ask why you invited SS at all, given that he isn't really part of your lives?

I wondered this too given

I wondered this too given that he isn't part of the family AND the huge age difference between him and the girls. They are going to want to do entirely different things.

If your DH wants a relationship with hisson then why doesn't he organize something for the pair of them? Either way, you invited his son for half of the week which is half of a week that he wouldn't have had if it weren't for you (didn't see any sign that your husband was desperate to see him for the vacation). You gave him an inch and he took a mile. And tell your dh to knock off the prima donna pouting when you actually did something nice for him and then were taken advantage of.

I don't know, to me it's a

I don't know, to me it's a little odd to tell one family member they can only come for half the week, but everyone else is going for the full week. Seems to me it should have been all or nothing.

This isn't just a family

This isn't just a family member we are talking about. This is an adult child of a failed prior family who takes the attention of the father away from young children in a fresh marriage that has not failed.

IMHO what is odd is adult children expecting to be included in vacations that their parent takes with his wife and young children.

He wasn't "expecting" to go,

He wasn't "expecting" to go, he was invited. By the wife, even, not his father.

Not sure why OP invited him if she didn't want him there.

The OP invited the adult SS

The OP invited the adult SS for Wed - Sat. Not for a whole week. She did it to give her DH some time with his adult son after she and her DH had time with their young children. DH took it way too far. If I were the OP I would counter DH's cry baby manipulative crap with "My dear, it is either Wed-Sat or not at all. Your choice."

I get that he wants a

I get that he wants a relationship with his son and I'm all for it, even encourage it. I could give lots of examples. Inviting SS was completely my idea to surprise DH so they could have some time together. That backfired. I'm now considered as making a difference in his kids because I didn't invite SS for the entire trip and sarcastically told I should get an award for inviting him for part of the trip. Lesson learned!

Wait why are you at fault

Wait why are you at fault here? Is your husband mentally incompetent? Is he incapable of working a telephone, computer or text messaging? Is he not able to verbally communicate? I guess I don't understand why he's throwing such a hissy fit when he didn't even invite HIS son in the first place. He has no right to have hurt feelings, if he wanted his kid there he should have invited him.

Maybe it is

Maybe it is just my irritated mood in general this morning but I would have a hard time not snapping "Fine - come, don't come, I don't give a damn at this point. But you can be quite sure that this will be the last time I invite SS for so much as a sandwich - much less several days of a free beach vacation. I tried to be nice and include him a bit even though he blew us off last time but clearly no good deed goes unpunished with either of you!"

I don't think you are wrong

I don't think you are wrong for wanting to have a vacation with your two teenagers and your husband. It makes sense to plan things that you and your DH might enjoy more "as a couple" without a bunch of extras there.. plus your kids are younger and will have different things they would want to do vs their older stepsibling. So, for all those reasons.. (plus you guys are the ones paying..lol).. you are right.

BUT.. you are really muddying the water and actually making your case by the following statement

" I feel like it's time for hubby to step up to his son and tell him WHY he wasn't invited the whole trip. It's the consequence of the years you haven't been part of our life."

This does give some credence to the "revenge" idea... that you are getting back to him.. wanting to rub it in his face that he doesn't get (in your DH's perspective) full family rights because he didn't act like "enough" of a family member to deserve it.

The "why" should be all the logistical issues.. and really have zero to do with his past behavior except to the point where if he was so abysmal.. he would not be welcome period. But you opened up the vacation to adult Skids.. so your husband sees this marginalizing of his son as hurtful behavior.

At this point, if you have been pushing the narrative that his son doesn't "deserve" to be there because of his lack of interraction with the family.. it will be a lot more difficult to walk back than if you had focused on logistical or financial reasons.. (trying to limit number of people you were hosting due to budget etc..).

We don't know the logistics or financial constraints here.. so it's hard to say whether just giving in and letting him have his son there the whole time will be a huge burden.. or whether you could just decide to go and have your girls with you for some time to bond with them yourself and let your DH do more of his own thing with his son, if that is what he wants to do.

The bottom line is that while I think it's fine to invite adult skids (or kids) on their parent's vacations.. it can also be appropriate to set cetain limits like how much the kids need to contribute.. limitations to time included etc..

I agree that it opens up the

I agree that it opens up the idea of revenge. My intentions planning the trip was not to hurt anyone and to try to include everyone. My feeling is if SS needs an explanation as to why he wasn't invited for the entire trip, DH needs to tell him the truth. It all started out as innocent to include everyone, but the reason behind it is because he has chosen not to be part of our family unit. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound snippy. Thank you for brining that to my attention.

I think it is easier to stick

I think it is easier to stick to the reason being that logistically you planned things that would appeal to some people for the beginning of the trip and things that would be for him the 2nd part of the trip.

I think I would definitely try to rework that through with your husband.

I might also be liable to say.

"Look, I am not asking for a medal for inviting SS for half of our trip. Shoot... I don't know why you are so wound up about this because you apparently weren't going to invite him to ANY of the trip. If it were up to you, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. I was being nice and trying to share a good experience with your son and give you two some time together in a fun place to bond. No, I wasn't intending for this vacation to be overcrowded.. that's why for the ADULT children, the invitation was for only part of the trip.. so we would have time, ourselves to enjoy the vacation instead of spending it constantly hosting other adults. I really want to stick to the original offer which was to have him come for a few days.. just like his sister's invitation was given. It will give you time with him.. but will also make sure we are having time we want too. Again, I don't need a medal, but I do think I should get the benefit of the doubt here that I am not trying to be an Ahole.. I was extending a nice offer to your son.. he is asking for a bigger piece than was offered. I can't see how I am being painted as the bad guy for offering up something that apparently had not even occured to you. At this point, the offer to your son for Wed- Sat still stands.. If you choose not to come.. I can't stop you from staying at home.. but the rest of os will be going on this trip whether you and your son decide to make it or not.

I really wish you would realize that I love you and as your wife, I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you or someone you care about. We are in this situation because I was trying to offer a treat to someone and when they wanted more and I pushed back at that.. it turned into an argument with you. It hurts that you think that I am doing something to intentionally hurt people when the original intent was absolutely the opposite of that"

I hear clearly that you meant

I hear clearly that you meant this in a caring way. But it doesn't seem fair for you to make the plans of SS only coming for part of the vacation without DH's input, and then expect DH to be the one who tells him why you did that. DH might not feel as you do, so honestly, it's really YOU who should tell SS why you only invited him for part of the time.

OP, I find myself wondering

OP, I find myself wondering how far your SS's entitlement goes. From your first intentions I understood that your SS would be getting to the beach under his own steam, right? But he decided that he wanted you to go and pick him up and take him to the beach. Yet, you said that your SKs lived in different states. So how much of a detour is your SS aking of you, in terms of distance and/or time?

DH says it adds no time, but

DH says it adds no time, but when I google it t adds 2 1/2 hours one way

He can drive separate and

He can drive separate and pick up SS. Or SS can be an ADULT and figure out a way to drive to the beach himself.

I suppose that if there were

I suppose that if there were just the five of you that you'd take just the one car but if you add your ss, you'd need a second one too?

There is nothing wrong for

There is nothing wrong for doing a vacation with YOUR family. Maybe next time, be clear to DH about who you are inviting. Don't invite man-child brat next time. If that doesn't fly with him, plan your own with YOUR kids.

Has he offered to pay for SS joining in on the vacay? Has he offered to drive separate so HE can pick up HIS son? Let him know it's unfair for HIM to make these demands of you if he is not offering to pitch in (both effort and financially) HIMSELF. What has kept HIM from planning a vacation with his son in the past? Make a list of the costs he will need to cover... portion of hotel, gas, food, etc. Once SS realizes he can't freeload off of you, he may not even want to go. And if DH isn't willing to pony up, too bad,so sad.

Tell your DH that you are

Tell your DH that you are taking your own children and he can stay at home with SS to work on their relationship. This is supposed to be a "vacation". A week long experiment to see how people get along is not a vacation and it would be highly stressful. It's selfish for your DH to think others should have to deal with the tension.

Tell your DH you hope it goes well, and if you see SS start to treat DH well and with respect, then you would love to welcome back SS into the fold.

Put the onus for change back on them, where it belongs.

ETA: I missed the part about OP inviting SS for part of the time and expecting DH to explain why he was not invited the whole time. OP, these types of scenarios never work - some of our skids are the way they are because they were never given consequences. Your DH is having a mantrum because you made him uncomfortable and are now expecting him to parent - something he's never done before. I tell my DH I support his relationship with his children, and let me know when they are treating him with respect as they should and then I will consider re-engaging. This will never happen.

SS is an adult! Of course

SS is an adult! Of course there is a difference between inviting an adult to visit a few days and your minor children. I'd be furious your hospitality was treated so rudely and would retract the entire invitation. IF DH doesn't like it he can stay home.

I think it's perfectly

I think it's perfectly reasonable to not invite him for the whole of YOUR planned vacation. You were clear that he was invited for part of the time, to get there on his own if he wanted to - that's very generous based on your relationship with him and his non-relationship with the family. He's not entitled to be there the entire time, as others have pointed out, he's an ADULT. Heck, if I have family visiting I don't expect to be with them on THEIR vacation the whole time. I've also taken and had vacations of my own in which we spend part of the time with family and the rest alone or just with DH.

Your husband is being a jerk. If he won't listen to reason then let him and your SS sit with it and figure it out themselves. I personally would refused to go hours out of my way to pick him up when I didn't agree to it in the first place and was stonewalled and bullied into it. No way. Take separate cars. Tell your husband he can spend time with SS if he wants to but you made this plan in all goodwill and that's that, you won't change your plans for someone who isn't involved in the first place.

No good deed goes unpunished

No good deed goes unpunished here in Step Hell.

Merry

So true...no matter what we do it gets twisted if the steps are toxic.

OP you needn't explain yourself to DH. As another poster stated your DH could have invited him but he didnt. So your very gracious invite to the trouble making SS turns into just that, trouble making. I am sure he wound up your DH making him feel bad then mad at YOU for the "partial invite" (as seen in SS and DH's eyes only). These master manipulators know how to get to their Disney Dads . So an invite from you becomes a SLIGHT.

Your title really describes this... your SS and DH has ruined this before it has even begun.

Best of luck and keep us posted!

Your DH is a dick. His guilt

Your DH is a dick. His guilt crap is pathetic.

You are not wrong. DH has adult prior relationship children. They have had their turn to be young kids with a mom and dad. It is the turn of your young children to have that.

Tell DH that if he wants to choose his adult son over his young children and his wife that they can stay home togetrher and you and your kids will enjoy the beach.

What is the story about MIL 30? That could be interesting.