SD10 Bad Attitude with EVERYONE
S10 has always had behavior issues. Even when I met her at 5. We have 50/50 and BM is high conflict. She broke up with her BF a few months ago and SD has been a terror since. With me, her dad and her own mom as well.
I usually got the blame from BM for her behavior. ex. "she is not doing well in school because she is upset with her step mom." In the past, DH has even said "you treat her like a student instead of a child." Well after about 2 years of detachment, things had gotten better for the most part. I would say our relationship is so-so right now. I let DH do the parenting even though I honestly disagree with A LOT of it. He spoils her and lets her do anything. Drink soda at night, no bedtime, no screen time limit... these are my biggest things. Basically she has zero consequences.
SD10 has been back talking her Dad a LOT lately. Talking her her breath, rolling eyes, and just her overall personality ("Fine, I guess you are forcing me to do this." "Why can't you take me to my mom's right now?" "Do I have to take a shower?" "I'll just brush my teeth later.") These are all just example of how she has been talking to everyone lately.
He talks to her about how she has a bad attitude and is rude. SD10 just comments, "I guess I get it from my Mom." DH is getting tired of her attitude.
BM is high conflict so her and DH RARELY talk. She called last week saying she was at a lost with homeschooling her. "She is not listening, not doing her work, etc." BM seemed frustrated.
I personally feel A LOT of people (even her dad and mom at times) justify her behavior. EX. SKs have it harder than other kids, well she is a pre-teen, well she has trouble focusing in school, kids don't listen anyway, etc.
I'm starting to realize SD challenges are NOT like other kids her age, by any means. DH and BM agreed on counseling for her until the forseeable future. I am hoping this will help.
FINALLY I feel like I am not the only one! Honestly it is just draining and downright annoying. Anyone else have a SK that makes everything a struggle? Sometimes I feel terrible for having these feelings, but I don't voice them to SD10 or even DH so I don't get backlash. What do YOU all do when your SK is disrespectful and manipulative? Do you steer clear or help your partners intervene?
TYA!
Thank you... SO helpful! I
Thank you... SO helpful! I found myself disengaging today. SD was getting so upset that the iPad "wasn't working"... I was going to encourage her to go color or go do something creative, but you know what not my problem. If she wants to stare at a broken screen all day, so be it.
I think that has been the biggest struggle for me.... is just watching SD struggle. Her mom has 2 divorces and had her first child at 16. Dropped out of college several times. My biggest fear is the same happens to SD. But you are right. I am not the sole responibility for how she turns out later in life.
The solutions to this kind of
The solutions to this kind of thing are so simple. Cowardice is the cause.
DH needs to grow a pair and man up.
"Sit your ass down and do your school work. There will be no food, no breaks, no sleep until you get it done. Do not make the mistake of testing me on this or you will find that living in that chair with your school work in front of you 24/7 until it is done is the worst hell you could possibly immagine. Here is your diaper. I don't want you messing up my furniture. GET TO WORK!"
Or.. some less dramatic position. But... a position that has ony a single quality choice for the toxic spawn to make.
If SD chooses to not do as she is told... she is choosing the consequences. That needs to be made perfectly clear.
@ChzyBob20 Good to know! DH
@ChzyBob20 Good to know! DH and I don't have children of our own... we may we may not. Both are still on the fence. Crazy sh*t like this makes me think twice honestly.
Curious to your situation... are there BIG differences when it comes to parenting SK vs your own? Does DH give SK special treatment? Are you stricter on your own kids? How much of an age difference is there? THANK YOU
I have no BKs. DW and I
I have no BKs. DW and I married the week before SS-27 turned 2yo. I raised him as I would my home. With love, standards of behavior and standards of performance. Apparently we did something right. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.
He would be the first to tell you that he had a great childhood and that his mom and I loved him and demanded that he use his head and make good decisions. He will also tell stories of various consequences that were applied when he did not make good decisions. In the stories of his childhood that he shares with his fellow Airmen he refers to me as Dad and the SpermIdiot as GangsterDad. When he forgets to use those labels his coworkers get all confused and throw out the "Wait, the doesn't sound like GangsterDad (or Dad)"
I parent referencing the parent tapes that my own parents created when raising my brothers and I. I would use that same model with BKs, had I had any.
Though our blended family child raising years were pretty good, we implemented the out at 18 model with SS. He had his choice, go to any college or university in the world he chose on the mom and dad full meal deal scholarship, or work full time and live at home rent free for a limited time while he figured out what he wanted to do, or go to school part time and work part time and remain in the home rent free. He chose none of those options. He knew he was not ready to focus and put in the dedicated work being successful in college would require so he chose to save our money and his time and not go to college. He also had no interest in working. So, we turned him into our live in beck and call boy/chore bitch. We worked that kids' butt off.
After a few months of being our live in servant he enlisted in the USAF and reported to BMT 4.5mos before his 19th birthday. Two weeks ago he reached his 9 year service anniversary in the USAF and plans to complete at least 20 years in order to earn his military retirement. We are proud of him. The best part... his ASVAB scores were so high (top 2%) that the USAF put him in an AFCS that required him to go to college in parallel with his career. Karma!
Ha!
Ugh, that sounds miserable!
Ugh, that sounds miserable! Is it terrible that I'm counting down until 18 too? We have a ways to go though!
I feel same way
I know how you feel and I also have SD10. I am honestly very curious how things will go when school starts back up. I think rules/structure and consequences go a long way. Therapy can help but really without structure at home the behavior will continue. If feel bad for you because you seem to genuinely care for your SD and because I bet your DH expects you to give her rules but he doesn’t follow through himself and that puts you in a bad spot altogether. Take care.
Absolutely! Going back to
Absolutely! Going back to school will be VERY interesting. I am a teacher and our district will be rotating A,B, and C weeks. Basically kids will go one week of school, then two weeks of remote learning. Obviously, I will have to be at school teaching all 3 rotations I will grab the popcorn and see how DH and BM figure out the homeschooling again