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Tired of waiting for something to happen

Chmmy's picture

SS13 is going to be a sex offender.  He is on the spectrum and makes impusive, bad choices. He is addicted to porn...like every time he gets his hands on a device he is not supposed to have he searches for inappropriate material.  His choice of porn is rape and I've also found pornhub videos of incest between step siblings, siblings, mom and step mom in his history.  THere was one that was 'walking in on your step sister masterbating and..."  I didn't watch to see what happens, lol.  I'm just waiting for something to happen.  BM has step daughters who are approx his age.  They all stay up late with no parental supervision and free reign of the house and the internet.  I can't worry about what happens at BM home. I do not allow SS around my family anymore as a precaution.  I avoid bringing him along but if we must I wouldn't allow him around the kids alone. 

As far as DHs family I don't feel like there is much I can do to protect the little ones.  DH has 4 brothers and sisters with kids younger than SS13. SS has not done anything to harm anyone.  Im being presumptuous so DH and family would never allow SS13 to be left out.  SS13 and SS11 had a sleepover with their cousins on Saturday night.  The girls are 12 and 10 and a 7yo boy.  I was nervous about SS13 going over there...even though it is not my problem, he lives with us and I worry about the girls who are my nieces. 

I'm not sure what happened but I think my sis in law is upset about something.  The plan was for the skids to stay there Sat nit and then the kids all coming here for a Sunday night sleepover because the parents both work today so I'm watching their kids.  DHs brother caught SS up at 3am.  As far as I know he was watching tv but he lied to his uncle and said he just woke up(always lying and sneaky).  Uncle T said, 'no you didn't I've heard you for hours'.  Uncle T finally told him to go to bed, their kids have strict bedtimes, they don't stay up all night playing games, watching youtube and searching for porn online.  Ss didn't get much sleep and Uncle T made mention of it to us when he brought the skids back so I made DH take SS outside to spread mulch.  Fuck that if he thinks he is laying his pathetic ass all over my couch all afternoon, he was made to do outdoor chores, only because I believe in consequences, DH would have let it go.

The cousins stayed here last night but their mom almost changed her mind about them coming.  She said she wanted a 930 bedtime so when Uncle T brought them, he told the kids bed at 930 so we put a movie on at 730 and then they all went to bed.  I think Ss13 being awake at 3am in her house bothered her but I'm wondering if there is more to it.  We had plans for the kids to stay her but she changed her mind but then Uncle T brought them and  his wife was mad at him but we don't know why.  They called and texted and face timed their kids several times last ngiht like they were worried.  I just wonder if there was more to the up at 3am story with SS.  Was he doing more than watching tv but Uncle T doesn't want to tattle on him?  I have told DH and BM about what I have found.  I have explained to Dh how dangerous it is for his son on the spectrum to be watching violent porn and searching for violent images.  Neither of them have listened to doctors or educators about their son, why would they listen to me?  All I can do is protect my nieces and nephews on my side of the family.  I can't protect DHs side of the family because I'm the wicked step mom who hates the kids!  I am only presuming that SS will act on his impulses by past patterns of his impulsive behavior.  Until something happens I will always be wrong, wrong, wrong but when it comes to these kids and predicting their patterns of behavior I am always right, right, right!

Comments

susanm's picture

Why not directly ask your SIL what is going on?  She is acting out of character and worried about something and it is a reasonable question.

Chmmy's picture

Hopefully she is picking up the kids after work so I'm hoping to have a conversation with her.  I try to be disengaged but there I some things I can't unsee or ignore.

BethAnne's picture

Just saw this and thought of you:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/jun/15/new-zealand-government-dep...

Maybe it could help your husband see a way forward in tackling the porn issue. 

I think that it is important to realize that rape and incest fantasies are very common for adults and the vast majority of adults do not rape or commit incest. Obviously though kids may not have the same understanding of consent that adults (should) have and repeated conversations need to be had to help children realize the difference between fantasy and reality. 

I do think that talking to your sister-in-law is the right thing to do. 

Chmmy's picture

Thank you.  I get not all porn watchers are perverts. My problem is the kid is on the spectrum and makes bad choices on impulse.  He is not a mean or hurtful kid and I don't even think he could rape someone but do something stupid that will put him on a sexual predator list...FOR LIFE

BethAnne's picture

I understand your fears. All the more reason not to sweep this away and ignore it but for the adults to be adults and tackle this with ss head on. Your husband needs to pull his head out of the sand. 

Chmmy's picture

My aunt and uncle have their head in the sand about their 32 year old son.  He has assaulted or groped at least 3 children.  A 9 year old girl he pushed to the ground and assaulted her with his hands.  A 5 year old girl that he asked to 'play a game' and pulled his penis out and she knew to walk away.  Another child, not sure of the age but he groped her on a ride at Disney World and the parents complained.  It was on camera and he was fired but no charges.  He also dated a 16 year old when he was 24 so statutory rape but her parents didn't press charges either because it was a friend of the family he was sneaking around with.  All of these incidents happend between the age of 14 and 24.  He is now 32, who knows what else has happened.  No consequences for any of the incidents except getting fired from Disney World.  I pray my step son will never be like that but it is my fear.

tog redux's picture

Honestly, if this kid showed up in my office, I would call CPS on DH for allowing him free access to porn.

Chmmy's picture

You know some of my story tog.  I turn off the wifi, he turns it back on.  We took away smart phones, he gives them old iphones that use wifi.  He agrees with me and knows I'm right but then never follows through. When I get on his case for caving...you guess it, "You hate my kids!!"  NO DH I can't stand you.

What is your office, tog?  What do you do?  If the foster system wasn't overwhelmed with severely abused children, DH and BM could easily lose custody of these kids for neglect.

tog redux's picture

I'm in the child mental health field - as a manager now.

I know you try, but DH's lack of follow-through and consequences would not impress CPS.  If I had a kid in there who was looking at that amount and type of hardcore porn I would most definitely call CPS.

He may or may not molest someone - but this is all very damaging to him.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I'd noticed you haven't been around and was a little worried about you, Chmmy.

You're the only sane one in that nut house, and your H has killed your love with his horrible parenting.

I hope you are able to leave them all behind soon.

Chmmy's picture

Spending less time worrying about the skids and more time on my hobbies.  Also went back to work last week.  I was off 3 months for Covid.  I love steptalk and all it has done for me but it is only a reminder of how angry I am at DH and all the other horrible DHs and skids out there sucking the life out of us smoms

justmakingthebest's picture

I can't imagine the anxiety you must feel when even having to think of him. I don't know what else you can do other than make sure the other adults in your family are aware and once you have told them- let it go. They have to be to ones to protect their own children. 

Chmmy's picture

I am never believed unless I have physical proof.  DH will defend these kids to the death.  THen I come up with physical proof and "You hate my kids." or  "You have nothing better to do then investigate them, Im sorry, I don't have time for that."  My response, "then give them back."

He truly doesn't want to know.  I make comments and he changes the subject.  He was blissfully ignorant at how awful his kids are and what a dysfunctional bunch they are.  I pointed it out and he resents me for it, he tells me he appreciates me but deep down he resents me

justmakingthebest's picture

I can't even imagine having to deal with that. It is one thing when it is "annoying" or "entitled" behavior that you are trying to point out- this is a whole other level. This is dangerous. I don't know how you cope without losing it, Chmmy, I really don't. 

thiscantbenormal's picture

my ss is on the spectrum and in front of me would ask his younger sisters to tug and fondle his genitals.  They have an older brother (ODD, bipolar, ADHD) with their mom that watches porn on any device that gets internet access and supposedly had been showing them all porn.  Of course the kids changed their story after DH reported this to the court appointed counselor.  And yes, DH talked to the kids about it and how it was wrong.

Around the same time,  the TV was left on a CSI show and there was a rape scene and I turned the TV off quickly and told SS that was not appropriate for him to watch.  Boy, did he get mad that I turned the TV off and said "I like this stuff".

He had tried to touch his sisters crotches and butts.  So I think he has it in him to go further in touching but not sure if he would go further than that. But he verbally abuses them as well with detailed description of how he is going to kill them.  He would go on homicidal rants over a penny or roll polly.  And yes, he is supposed to be on an antipsychotic but BM won't keep him on it. And yes, the psychologist says this is normal autistic behavior.

Before anyone says call DHS and get custody.  We haven't seen the kids in years.  They will lie to the grave for their mom.  And SS in his own words " say anything for his dad to go to jail."  The kids live very chaotic lives with sibling abuse written off as "he has no control b/c of xyz disorder".  They have no rules or discipline at her house and she put them at adult/friend level with her.  She taught them that any parenting applied to them by their father is abuse.  Their mom has DHS on speed dial and convinced one caseworker to believe false abuse allegations so we dropped the rope and walked away for our safety.  No one wants to listen to my DH b/c BM is too busy flailing her limbs and cawing about "saving the children from their abusive father".  If anyone does question the kids' f'up behaviors she will automatically claim "they act this way because their father abused them" instead peeling back the layers that they act that way because of her.

 

Chmmy's picture

Parenting at its best. Ss13 has more control over himself than that but it only takes one incident to be marked an offender. He also could be arrested for exchanging  porn at some point if he sends it to the wrong person

Chmmy's picture

Parenting at its best. Ss13 has more control over himself than that but it only takes one incident to be marked an offender. He also could be arrested for exchanging  porn at some point if he sends it to the wrong person