Should I leave?
SS20 just moved back in. Since he has been back he has been trying to be the hero. Planning meals, assigning chores to the younger SKs. He has no friends in the area so his closeness to my BF is very overwhelming. Every move we make he is in our shadow. My BF has acknowledged it and said sometimes it just adds stress more than it helps, but he understands SS intentions are good (as I do as well)- however, this was also an issue in his marriage- SS and late wife had power struggles....
last week it got to be too much and I left our home I have been moving into and went to my house that i have been moving out of. I was able to address the issues with my BF this weekend and he fully listened to everything I said, agreed there had to be boundaries, but he didn't know how to address the situation since SS has just moved back home and he considers him a best friend. However, I did emphasize that at times- just being at the house stresses me out and something has to be done.
day 1 was great! He didn't ask SS to help with things and all in all he left us alone while we did yard work. Yesterday, he did need SS help- and we were right back to having our shadow around for the day.
i love my BF dearly- and we have communicated so much and are still setting boundaries for the younger kids that are needing established. I had no idea that an adult child cause create this much havoc and stress in our daily life.
i really need help. I'm so lost on what I should do
Why has he moved back in and
Why has he moved back in and what are his plans in the immediate future?
He moved out of state and
He moved out of state and come back cause of not being able to make it on his own. Thanks covid
he has not looked for work, and that's a point I have stressed on...
Move right back in to your
Move right back in to your own house. Tell your BF that you love him, but since this was an issue with his late wife and it's starting to become an issue now, that you cannot move forward with this relationship until he gets a handle on the situation. His son, for his own health and success, needs to launch and find friends his own age with his own interests. You're not interested in a three-way emotionally incestuous relationship.
Keep dating if you wish, but don't move in or forward. If he won't make the necessary changes in a reasonable timeframe for you, move on. This won't get better until or unless your BF experiences some loss from this.
SO creates opportunities to
SO creates opportunities to spend more time with his live-in Adults than he does me. Granted, we just recently got back together but even when we were together we could never develop hobbies and interests of our own because his entire life style is centered around activities with his Adults and the activities they have always done. SO needs to make room for me and my needs just as your BF needs to make room for yours. SS is old enough to start figuring out how to solve his own problems.
Why am I in this relationship? I have no idea. :-)
I read your other blog..
I read your other blog about the younger, clingy children. I think it was around Mother's Day when they all had the intense emotions, understandable. I would very seriously consider moving back into my own home. I'm glad you still have it. His family sounds like it is going to be a LOT of stress. I'd either date him and have a LAT relationship for awhile or break it off. You read on here about all the similar issues but his seem like times 1000.
And thankfully he addressed
And thankfully he addressed all of that and we started to establish some boundaries before this "wrecking ball" came into place. It has been very stressful.
An observation
This may or may not help, it's an observation I've made in the past three months with DS19.
Since the stay at home orders hit he's only had me, XH, and DH to talk to in person. He's seen his friends in person a little (like bike rides or social distance one on one with only three of them). Because different families are handling things with more or less adherence to the guidelines he's chosen not to see the friends who don't adhere to the guidelines as closely.
Why does this matter? DS *needs* to talk to people. And we are the only people around right now. He wants to chat, wants to express concerns, got accepted to two new colleges after really working hard his freshman year and needs to talk about the options, he needs to talk about his choice of majors, and he's probably a bit lonely and has cabin fever.
This adds up to him being around and "clingy" more than usual. And DH doesn't need as much socializing so long as he has me. All of that means I have very little alone time. And I need alone time. I had to check a relatives house who is not there at the moment and I lingered for over an hour just to be alone.
You may want to take time now, especially with the pandemic and those problems, to stay at your place. See if things change, and allow for some of the circumstances to go away.
Four months is about 20
4 months is about 20 months too soon to be moving in with him. Move back out, keep dating, and decide in February 2022 if you are ready to move in. Your gut is saying you are not.
I agree with the posters
I agree with the posters above. I wouldn't rush with continuing to move in, I personally would move back out and wait to see if boundaries are adhered to and if your BF sets timeframes for SS moving back out again. I know this is a really difficult time with the pandemic, but your BF needs to know your serious.
Step kids always come first
Step kids always come first and when they are adult children they seem to run the show. My DH walks on egg shells for SD20, while I suffer in silence begging for all of us to go to therapy.
Move out, run fast