What went wrong?
Two years in a blended family (yay!, I feel like wonder woman)
Lately SD prefers her BM’s place over our house, The custody arrangement can't be followed coz she keeps coming up with excuses why she needs to stay at her mom's. Before BM only got her for the weekend but now she'll go two weeks and still won't want to come back here.
I thought it was because we're trying to have a baby but she seemed so excited about it and asked if she could name it (We said yes)
She pretends as if her BM makes her stay but she lies about both her parents, She's not talkative but when she does most times she tell you what you want to hear.
A few months ago, Her cousin made up something really nasty about my DH, We talked to SD so she doesn't hear it from somebody else and ofcourse told her it wasn't true. BM said she didn't believe her too (the cousin) and was pissed just like we were. But then we find out she still invites her over. So am wondering if they're telling SD some crap.
Today even when she said no to coming Dh just went over and told her to pack up.
Dh thinks she doesn't want to be here because I don't have a motherly bond with her, Her BM is married too but SD says she hates her husband and says nasty shit about him to Dh.
I keep going through our previous interactions just to catch the moment I said or did something wrong but am way too careful around her so I don't see it.
So I guess my question is, Do teenage girls just prefer their mothers( Even if they still say "Mom is a narcissist")
Why did you only meet her twice when you were dating?
Why did you only meet her twice when you were dating? As I said in your blog from November, when you moved in you were a stranger to her. You haven't been a blended family for two years if you got married in July of 2019 and had only met her twice before that. However, it has been long enough now that the two of you should have gotten to know each other a bit.
I'm going to guess that her not wanting to come to your house has little to do with you or anything you have done and more to do with her relationship with her father. Is BM's house the "fun house?" Can she get away with more there?
Don't let your DH blame this on you. There are lots of reasons she could prefer staying at her Mom's house. Is it easier for her to see her friends there?
We’ve got the fun house
I guess am counting all the time I've know Dh( it feels like forever and not all in a good way)
We have a swimming pool and added a projector outside so her friends could like it here, we even bought a pool table and when her friends come over they stay for 1 or 2 days. The bond we have, It's like friends but not BFF, we bake together, she tells me about her school and she's spend an hour gossiping about her friends If she's in the mood, For Dh it's not enough, He's want the mother daughter bond( She can go a day without talking to anybody and she's not angry or anything)
I didn't meet her before because her mother didn't want too, He asked, he begged but she said NO, I didn't care much about meeting her coz during that time they had a custody fight going on and I was so sure BM was going to win full custody so you can imagine my surprise when dh worn.
Using parents against each other
How old is SD? I had a "challenging" SD, too. She used each parent against the other and me to get what she wanted. No conscience, loyalty, ethics - it was all just a way to get more freedom, avoid consequences, stir up drama, cause trouble between everybody, get $, etc. She played every "Poor me" card and guilty Disney Dad did whatever he thought woukd make SD "well" because of course she'd been so damaged by the divorce. I wish i had had Steptalk then. It would have given me insight into our entitled mini-wife. The first thing i woukd have done is stop the back and forth between the parents because that let her avoid consequences for bad behavior. I think your SD has way too much power but tbe real problem is your DH. Good luck. You will need it.
Just turned 15
When she's with us, She calls her BM and tells her we don't feed her or buy food and so on, When she goes to her mom's house she does the same. They've tried to go back to court 2 times this year over things she made up.
Just turned 15
When she's with us, She calls her BM and tells her we don't feed her or buy food and so on, When she goes to her mom's house she does the same. They've tried to go back to court 2 times this year over things she made up.
Read around on Steptalk
If you read around on this site, you will read about many teenage girls behaving like this, reasons why and good suggestions for coping. I get the feeling that your DH means well but it is unrealistic to expect you to step into a replacement mom role. My DH wanted the same and I tried my best. It is just not realistic, i wasn't her mom. You will need to get your head around it all. Steptalk is the real story on these relationships. The people here are knowledgeable, many appear to be medical, educational and legal professionals and best of all, we are all in the same boat.
It's wrong of your DH to
It's wrong of your DH to blame you for the fact she doesn't want to be there. There are numerous reasons why a teen may behave that way. It's not on you to provide her so much entertainment that she wants to stay. He gives her way too much power.
Also i read your previous
Also i read your previous entry and wtf, he made you tell her she's beautiful every day?! I hope that is still not going on.
I know right
I had to stop doing a lot of things to be able to stay till now and protect my sanity, In that time he made me question the marriage and hate on an innocent kid as well. It's not going on anymore thank god I learned to put my foot down(Still have along way to go)
Your husband is being
Your husband is being ridiculous. There is no need for you to have a mother-daughter bond with SD, because you're not her mother and she has an involved mother. If you tried to have a maternal relationship with her, it's likely to backfire and cause problems with her REAL mother. I don't know why some men are so stupid about this. How can he possibly think that a teenage girl wants a virtual stranger coming in and playing mommy at all, let alone in the first couple years? Also, most teenage girls will quickly know if you're faking it. This is a no-win situation for you, especially with him blaming YOUR relationship with SD for her not wanting to come over. I'll bet it has nothing to do with your relationship with her.
As for teenage girls preferring their mothers . . . in my experience, most do not. The teenage years are when girls fight with and "hate" their mothers. Of course, a lot has to do with the individual teen and their parents as well.
Don't let your husband put this on you, and don't tie yourself in knots trying to have a non-genuine relationship with his daughter. She's too old to want a new mom, and she doesn't need one because she already has one.
^^^^What she said ^^^^^ Plus
^^^^What she said ^^^^^ Plus if my SDs hadn't wanted to ever come here in their teen years I would have kissed the ground in gratitude.
Firstly, only 2 people should be naming this child and no-one
else should have any input or demand they name the baby.. that the the guy responsible for the sperm and the woman responsible for the egg.
they fact you have been mentally emotionally abused or tormented by skid and your partner because of her behaviour that you feel you need to say yes to her naming your kid?? Just no!!
what happens if she decides your child should be named morticia? Princess snowflake bumblebee? Agatha? Hermione?
They probably won’t be horrible like this but never should you give a child adult power and exclusive couple power. My own husband has made it clear to me that none of his kids can or will be allowed to meddle in our sexual intimacy with one another as there are horror stories on steptalk of skids telling stepmum to not have sex with daddy, not have kids etc or they will kill it...
my husband is very firm that if me and him want an active sex life, that is our right. If we want more kids, that is our right..
also my sd’s claimed their mums family hate her and them and they have been no contact for several years then bam, they’re besties in contact with cousins and wanting my husband to do favours for them. Stories keep changing and not adding up, its just so much drama...
Teens of divorce prefer the
Teens of divorce prefer the house with the least rules - who lets me stay up later, who doesn't take my phone away at night, who lets me get away with not doing my homework.
Though of course, your DH could absolutely "make her" follow the custody order, but he gives her too much power.
Nothing "went wrong."
Nothing "went wrong." She is now a teenage girl and it is her job in life to be difficult. Most biological mothers are not particularly wild about their own daughters when they are teenagers most of the time. Being a stepmother to one is nearly impossible. Fathers generally prefer to stick their heads in the sand and pretend that they are still cute little six year olds who just want to be loved.
As far as her naming the baby, that is simply crazy. Blame it on hormones or temporary insanity but you are going to have to take that back. Even if she picks something that you somewhat like, how are you going to be able to live with someone else naming your child? What is next? Her being present at the birth and deciding if you will breast or bottle feed?
"I'm naming the baby Gizmo
"I'm naming the baby Gizmo and if you don't let me, I'll never come over again!!!"
"Do you promise?
"Do you promise? Do you cross your heart and hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye?"
Edited to add: Just had a thought. What if she wants to give it BM's name? Can you even imagine?????
OMG. BM and my sister have
OMG. BM and my sister have the same name, but spelled differently. I think all those who spell it like BM are bitches.
"Yes, I spell it
"Yes, I spell it Luxury-Yacht but it is pronounced Throatwarbler Mangrove!" (With apologies to your sister and Monty Python)
You did nothing wrong. SD is
You did nothing wrong. SD is nothing more than a manipulative nasty spawn monster of a failed family. Do not give her any more consideration or status than that.
DH needs to STOP blaming you.
DH needs to STOP blaming you. Sounds like SD lies and manipulates whoever to get whatever she wants. And everyone is falling for it. She doesn't want to come over? So be it. I would be over the MOON!
DH needs to realize he can't force his relationship with his daughter and can't for YOU to have one either.
P.S. - I would be fed up with the lies. Start calling her out on it. "You don't have food over there but want to stay for 2 weeks? Interesting! Good choice."
This would be the answer to my prayers.
I would be down on my knees thanking God Almighty every day if my SS voluntarily spent more time at his BM's when she is only supposed to have the weekends! Why in the world would you want her around more?! Do not let her name your baby. Are you crazy? Bond with your husband when she is not around and I'm telling you right now. All your investment in this girl, your time, love and energy is going nowhere. Tell husband you are not mom and it sounds like you are a wonderful stepmom the way you are! No one should expect more from you. I'm jealous.