Step-Daughter Struggling with Coming to Terms with New Relationships and Developments
Hi, I'm new here, and my stepdaughter has been struggling as of late with the fact that her parents aren't ever going to get back together.
My partner and I are engaged, with a baby on the way and the child's mum is in a relationship too. Drop-offs and pick ups are all very civil, and we thought because of this she's got it into her head that its possible her mum and dad are going to get back together.
We've since spoken with her and she has admitted as much and also said that the arrival of the baby is also a sore point because she is worried that it means her mum and dad will never get back together.
It's obviously a difficult time for her, but it's affecting her health, she's acting out more and has recently starting being violent to her mum's partner.
I'm just looking for some suggestions on how to help her deal with this, help get to some acceptance stage.
Any help would be most appreciated.
how old is she?
how old is she?
She's 7
She's 7
7 is pretty young.. how long
7 is pretty young.. how long have hare parents been apart? Just curious as to how much time she saw them together and how long she has had to get used to the idea that they are not together. Sometimes kids don't see the complete logic of things.. like they don't realize that if mommy and daddy were back together.. she might not see other people like you etc.. kids can get hazy on the relationship thing. Do you think that her mom has been feeding her any of this?
If her parents do get along... they could try to have a talk with her together.. as a united front to explain that neither of them have plans to be together again... Her father and mother should both be delivering this message.. if not "together".. then individually. If it seems to be a bigger adjustment issue.. the girl might benefit from some therapy to help her deal with the new baby coming and other changes in her life. It wouldn't be unusual for her to be scared of the changes.. and especially the prospect of being displaced as "daddy's only child" by your baby.. may make her really want for her parents to get back together.. "like it used to be".
Her mum and dad have been
Her mum and dad have been split up on and off for about three years. Her dad and I have been together a year. I can relate to the feelings of confusion you're describing as I was a child of divorce too.
Her dad and I have tried explaining that, mummy and daddy don't share the right type of feelings to be married and they see each other purely as friends - even went as far as comparing her mum to her dad's best friend since school and saying he wouldn't marry him - and she got really upset at the prospect of not having me in her life in mummy and daddy did get back together. So, as far as that goes I think there's a whole lot of conflicted feelings there.
At the start of our relationship, her mum would often create drama and angst through jealousy (something she has since apologised for) but we haven't had this issue since her mum entered her new relationship.
Her mother and father are planning a sit down chat to discuss her behaviour and I have mentioned to her dad that I think he should try and get them to discuss the 'never getting back together thing' with her mum and her, I think he's taken it on board.
Generally I do think she is excited about the baby, because she has been asking for siblings since I was introduced to her. But I also acknowledge that ofc its going to be difficult to accept the loss of being daddy's only girl (or child even). I was an only child for 5 years and hated it when my brothers came along. So again I can relate.
We've suggested therapy a few times and she does seem on board until we go to make the call at which point she has a meltdown.
is the little girl having a
is the little girl having a meltdown about therapy.. or mom?
It really sounds like she is struggling grasping the reality and prospect of a new baby. Yes.. on the one hand she is excited.. but there is also liable to be some fear that daddy won't love her any more too... even in non-step situations.. kids can be conflicted about siblings coming along.. especially when they have been an only child for a while.
Dad should try to get mom on the same page to just be firm and simple.. that they are not in love.. but they both love HER very much and will be taking care of her separately.
The meltdowns can go either
The meltdowns can go either way. She panics about actually getting appointments for therapy and she stresses when she has to go back to her mum's. We always expect a behaviour spike just before she goes back to her mum's, especially if she will be spending time with her mum's partner.
I think your last few lines were super bang on there, I'll pass those across to her dad and suggest that he tries to get her mum on the same page. Thanks for that advice!
If SD was witness to an on
If SD was witness to an on again/off again relationship for years, maybe she was sort of trained to think they would eventually get back together? I find that kids are pretty accepting of things when they get clear signals. Have the bioparents really explained to her, in no uncertain terms, that they are living separate lives from here on out? Let her know that she will be taken care of and everything will be ok. If she knows any other kids with divorced parents who are doing ok, maybe give them as an example. When my ex and i split up after 10 years if marriage, we were very clear that we were living separately for good. Their cousin's parents were divorced so we were like "it will be just like Timmy's family. He sometimes stays at his moms and sometimes at his dad's." The cousin was a few years older and they looked up to him, so in their mind if it worked for him, it would be ok for them. Just a few suggestions.
My step-granddaughter was the same
I think she was also about 7. Her parents had split and both had remarried and had baby sons within a month of each other. In other words, she suddenly had 2 new babies in her life plus the step-parents. I can't recall all the behavior issues that led to therapy for her but the bottom line from the counselor was lots of changes all at one time.
I think you've hit the nail
I think you've hit the nail on the head, I think it's the change that's causing her stress, now it's just trying to figure out how to help her through it all.
I think I'm going to press the therapy option next time we all discuss it and hopefully it goes that way.
I would look for some
I would look for some children's books about families and children going through similar things. Be sure to read then through yourself first to check that they portray positive messages you aprove of. There are also a lot of good children's books about dealing with difficult emotions that could help.
Not considered that!
I've not even considered that, thank you. I will look into it!
Good idea
That's a good idea about the books. A family member owned a children's book store that catered to this type of book. Lots of good ones to check out.
This situation has unfolded
This situation has unfolded over 3+ years. Where is the overwhelming rate of change that is causing SDs behavioral crap? It looks to me that the adults are letting her perpetrate a load of crap rather than addressing her behavioral issues effectively.
The lack of drama in transferring the Skid between households is not a bad thing and it is not reasonable to think that this is a problem. It makes no sense, even for a 7yo.
Mom's partner needs to turn her over a knee when she gets violent towards the partner. Since that will remove sitting from her next activity for a while the partner then needs to march her to the nearest isolated corner and plant her nose there to hold the walls up until the partner gets tired. She can vent her fee fees to the walls and not act out going forward. Unless she likes the corner, in which case let her stay there. How long she is in the corner is up to her. Behave and stay out of the corner. Act out and enjoy the corner. Keep it simple.
The crap about mommy and daddy not getting back together is just that, manipulative crap that facilitates her getting away with what she wants to get away with. Remove the reward for the crappy behavior and apply effective consequences and her behavior will moderate.
Feelings don't matter. Behaviors matter. Confront the unreasonable behavior and the feelings will resolve themselves if the enforcement of behavioral standards remains consistent. Adults going all confused over who holds the authority in any kid related situation is IMHO a major reason why kids have run amok far too frequently over the past couple of decades to the point that their toxic crap is somehow becoming common place and acceptable. People go all Ostrich mode and Emperor's New Clothes when kids like this go off instead of assertively not tolerating it. Ignoring behaviors and not applying consequences is facilitation of the unacceptable kid behavior. Working with and supporting the child as they work through issues is one thing. Failing to apply effective consequences is something else entirely. Consequences for inappropriate behaviors must be applied regardless of any other support components that can be brought to play.
Adults need to reconnect with testicular fortitude when it comes to raising kids and quit sending ill behaved breeding experiments out into the world to spread their whiny crap. Dealing with it early and consistently returns the greatest odds of raising viable adults. Kids are not special just because they exist. They are special when they behave in a special way and perform successfully. Stand on that hill and make the kid climb it with acceptable behaviors and performance. Challenge her to be a good big sister. She has had her turn at being a baby and a toddler. She now has to behave as a 7yo. Tolerate nothing less as her age ticks up. She does not get to decide if mommy and daddy are getting back together, and she does not get to decide if she will be a big sister. Those decisions are made by adults in the situation.
Give it a try.
It works.
IMHO and experience of course.
Congratulations on the baby and good luck.
That's roughly where my mind
That's roughly where my mind has been with it all, as kids (during my parent's own divorce), if we had tried any of this, we would have had a serious telling off, grounding and the boys would have had a smacked bottom. So I know this isn't acceptable behaviour for a 7 year old, so recently when she's started kicking off I've been making my partner send her to bed to have her kick off and screaming fit (if she's caught with any toys or books or anything the punishment intensifies) and then she is able to come downstairs and express her feelings in a polite and grown up manner.
She used to have full on tantrums over the being told "no", but on the most part I've managed to iron those out. These were mostly down to her dad facilitating them, but a quick discussion with her dad and how this isn't acceptable behaviour on either parts has changed things.
She used to very much run the household when she was here, if she was told to do something she didn't want to do, she'd convince her dad to let her do something else. But, since I've moved in, I just don't let that stand. If she even tries to begin with it, I just ask "who makes the rules?" to which she now responds "Adults." This has kind of worked.
I know she's been massively spoiled, and that's causing just as much of this as anything else.
Thank you for your congratulations