Ready to Leave
I'm so sick of how defensive my SO is when it comes to SD9'S behavior. I know she needs guidance, structure, positive reinforcement, attention and CONSEQUENCES! He gives her positive reinforcement and a little structure. He is severely lacking in the other parts. I'm so exhausted with his bullcrap! I'm so tired of trying to point out bad behavior that he misses. I'm tired of his permissive parenting style. I'm tired of the BM. I'm just sick of the whole situation.
80% of me wants to just find an apartment and leave! The other 20% says to stay and see if things improve. I will say things have improved since I moved in a couple of years ago, but still not good yet. I'm miserable on the inside when she is here. When she's not here after the lingering effects have dissipated, it is really wonderful with him. He is funny, sweet, intelligent and loving. I feel like the man i fell in love with is back. But as soon as she arrives, this other POS man has arrived and locked away that guy that I fell for. I just feel like giving up and being on my own. I think about it a lot when she is around. It makes me happy to think about not having to deal with them anymore.
Is this normal to feel these ups and downs? Should I just go? If you have felt this way, what did you do? Any success stories out there?
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Comments
Only you can determine if
Only you can determine if living this way is something that you can live with.
Relationships don't happen in a bubble, there are always outside influences. My DH was the same person whether his daughter was here or not.
Maybe living together was not a good idea. If things have improved in the last two years, but are still not good, where do you see it going? How long until it gets "good", if it ever does? Exhausting.
It won't get better. Listen
It won't get better. Listen to the other 80% before you become his second BM.
Have you talked to SO about
Have you talked to SO about it? What has he said? And does he expect you to parent? Also.... what's BM's role in all this?
Yes
Yes, I have told him how I feel about everything. I opened up and told him I was miserable and feeling like it wasn't working and maybe I need to leave. He basically said if I'm that unhappy, then the best thing to do is leave. He said he is trying his best but that isn't good enough for me. (He is not trying his best, that is not accurate). He just wants things to be easy for him. Parenting and discipline is tough work. He has admitted that he really struggles with the tough stuff and just wants to avoid it. He is afraid of becoming a hard ass like his dad was to him so he wants to parent her differently and softly so she doesn't hate him or have emotional damage when she is an adult.
He doesn't expect me to discipline, but he expects me to spend quality time with her and love her. It is hard for me to do those things when she is so difficult to be around.
The BM has her about 60% of the time and she is rude, intrusive, bossy, and trashy (she teaches SD9 that it's okay to take things from a restaurant, she let's her watch extremely inappropriate rated M shows, she yells and berates SD but then treats her as a peer, she doesn't teach hygiene so SD comes here with greasy hair and fuzzy teeth, she doesn't have a bedtime over there and still sleeps in bed with BM). Also, BM calls all of the shots with SO regarding parenting schedules. SO took out a car loan for her (because her credit is very bad) and pays for her car payment and car insurance on top of child support, buys most of SDs clothes and belongings. He will never stand up to her because he is afraid of her taking him to court and paying way more or losing time with SD.
BM texts SO constantly when SD is here and sometimes when she isn't here.
Yeah, that is not the guy I
Yeah, that is not the guy I would want to be with or the situation I would want to be in. Sorry, I know it's hard to leave but man, it would be harder to stay.
Yea, I'd be out on this one
Yea, I'd be out on this one too.
So he is one of those guys doing it for the sake of the kids
???
the fact he is scared screams that bio mum controls him and your household
Me and you are in the exact
Me and you are in the exact same situation, probably with differing details but same situation nonetheless. I feel the same way. It's like I get the real (or not real) version of him when shes not here and then when she gets here theres a looming gloom that comes over the both of us. Shes just TOO much like BM. It's out of control. She wants me gone (dead even) and that kinda makes me feel like I'd be giving into exactly what she wants (that everyone else already gives her) if I were to leave. And I'll be damned if a 9yo little girl is going to control my life and relationship because she is used to getting her way.
What's messed up is her and I started out REALLY good. Until she realized I wasn't going anywhere and all hell broke loose. This kids even laid hands on me. Now, after 3 years of this, I'm the reason her entire life is horrible. I take her dad from her, I dont do enough with them, I'm here too much and I'm gone too much. I can't win for lose. So, now that I've found these forums and I know it's not just me, I'm not just being crazy or reading too much into it, I've decided I'm not giving in. That's EXACTLY what she wants. Nope. Not her decision. It's his and I's and that's where it stays. Shes not going to decide my life for me.
You can't separate who he is
You can't separate who he is as a parent from who he is as a partner. Seems like a lot of women on here are drawn to these "nice" guys, but that niceness is really just being incredibly passive.
As the expression goes, when someone tells you who they are - believe them. He doesn't intend to parent any differently and really doesn't care if you are unhappy when his daughter is there. At least he's being honest, I'll give him that.
So you either have to accept things as they are, or leave.