SD’s birthday extravaganza
SD20 soon to be 21 has been PASed since her teen years and has had no contact. DH paid child support and extras to BM until age 18. Then also continued to help SD set up for college but after it became clear she had no use for him except as a wallet he stopped “helping”
Things have been blissfully quiet for months. Usual christmas sadness. Got to the point where DH accepted he’s done everything he can and now it’s up to SD if she wants to walk through the door he’s always left open for her. And just to prove good things don’t last BM contacts him out of the blue to ask how much $$$ is he willing to drop down for SD’s 21st.
DH has done the right thing and told me first. The burning question on both of our minds is he even invited or they're just after money. I hope it’s the latter because then he can just say his money is a part of him and if they don’t want him then it includes his money. As much as I feel sad that he’ll be missing out on a milestone of his daughter’s life I’m not looking forward to haggling with BM on the right amount to contribute. I know no matter how much he contributes, if he’s not footing the whole bill it’ll never be enough in their eyes. Then after taking the money they’ll probably ignore him until her wedding when they need another payout...
Just wanna put it out there - what do you think is the right amount? My mum made me organise and pay for my 21st. She supplied the cake and decorations. And I kept the numbers down because it was friken expensive to pay for people to get wasted. Turns out if it’s your own hard earned money funding someone else’s good time you take a hard look at whether or not it’s worth it!
I'd be inclined to ignore the
I'd be inclined to ignore the question entirely and block all numbers. If he doesn't, he's going to keep being sucked into this thankless and expensive vortex that will drain him emotionally and financially.
Good grief, if this isn't the proof that their only interest is his money I don't know what is. If they had wanted him to participate in milestones, they should have kept him in the loop and not shut him out entirely.
Yep. BM confirmed DH isn't to
Yep. BM confirmed DH isn't to be invited. And followed through with the usual "but she deserves the best and i'm so proud that as her mummy I can give it to her"
Basically it was BM giving herself a pep talk about how awesome she is and how DH basically owes it to SD just because. And blah blah blah you're a shit father if you don't and you're also a shit father regardless which is why you're not invited blah blah blah
I agree that Crazy needs to be blocked from the phone but DH is unwilling. "But what if SD is involved in an accident, what if it's something serious". Well privately if it's something serious i'll probably have a party to celebrate the end of this nightmare. And doubtful BM would contact DH anyway. But I'm willing to not fight him on it as long as we present a united front and boundaries are firmly in place.
Remind him that if she has an
Remind him that if she has an accident, the police will let him know. There's no reason for him to deal with the stress of bm anymore.
He isn't invited but is
He isn't invited but is expected to pay? That is shockingly, incredibly, inexcusably rude and hurtful. That broad needs to get over herself - she's farting passing wind from somewhere higher than her a**hole.
My DH went through this with
My DH went through this with SD's high school graduation. He told BM he wasn't contributing anything to the party she wanted him to help pay for. He doesn't give a flip what she thinks.
I guess I'm just torn between
I guess I'm just torn between sympathising with DH but just not to the point where Crazy pulls the strings. Of course every daddy has dreams of his kid hitting the milestones, walking her down the aisle, etc. But that reality is long gone and nothing will cure Crazy so that's that. I guess i'm venting and resentful that just as it seems things have calmed down she has to stir and dangle SD as a taunt. Haha look what you're not a part of anymore.
Thanks guys. I guess typing all this out has clearly shown me i need to work on DH to block her. My thoughts are all over the place and today started off as such a nice day...
"Of course every daddy has
"Of course every daddy has dreams of his kid hitting the milestones, walking her down the aisle, etc".
Sadly your dh will most likely NOT be invited to the wedding even if he pays for it. I would advise to not pay one dime on a birthday party that he is not INVITED to or you will set yourself up to be expected to pay for a wedding you will not be invited to either.
DH needs to find the strength
DH needs to find the strength to cut off BM entirely. As long as he allows her to speak for SD, he will never have contact with SD. Block her. If something bad happens to SD, he will hear one way or the other. And this is crucial to healing and moving on for him. He has to cut off his abuser (BM).
I agree
If he's not invited to the party it seems inappropriate to ask for him to pay for it. That's plain crazy!
Yep. It's just control stuff
Yep. It's just control stuff on BM's part. If he refuses to let BM be the gatekeeper, he takes away her power and opens the door for SD to communicate with him herself.
It IS crazy...
I had a stepson 32 (final adult child of 3 who still communicated with us until this fiasco) ask precisely one week prior to his wedding to pay for alcohol for his reception and the rehearsal party which we were not invited to his siblings in the wedding would be uncomfortable. We did not, however, I still cannot believe a person would ask such.
How we were approached a week prior to wedding was by phone with the reason his fiancé’s father “ran out of money”. When we were told about the wedding two months prior we were told her father was paying for everything because he was so proud of the things she had overcame..recovering addict. From my understanding from others those two things are typically paid for by grooms family. I believe he knew all along and just told us last minute a week before . To not be invited to a dinner party you are asked to pay for is insanity just unbelievable. People I have shared this with, I know some did not believe me because it is such out there awful behavior.
There is no birth mother involved, she is deceased...which makes me question the control idea and just more apt to believe CRAZY, s4lfis, entitled, something seriously wrong with people. Because we did not, we have not been spoken to since. That was the final episode for me with that one I will not deal with people capable of something like that and I don’t care who knows or likes it!
Well - it depends- when did
Well - it depends- when did she die? Does she have family that is still influencing the skids? Typically entitled selfish people are that way because they are taught that behavior by someone.
Either way, in this case, it's BM asking for the money, not SD. So BM is the entitled one, and alienating parents always are. The alienated kids often learn to be, too. BM here used to tell DH that SS wanted things he'd never even told her he wanted, so SD might not even know BM is asking DH for money.
Good Morning....
Mom passed 10 years ago. Small family out of area,however, I don’t believe that is at the root of the cause to the best of my knowledge. My belief the sh** stirring originates from spoiled, controlling, narcy stepdaughter and mental health issues of others.
I completely agree someone or people make people behave this way. There is not one thing that can be categorized as normal behavior in these situations. The road is long and rough.
Stay safe and healthy!
He needs to ignore BM. If he
He needs to ignore BM. If he doesn't want to continue to be used for money, he should stop letting it happen, stop giving money.
If BM wants to give her some extravagant birthday party, that is all on her and she should not be asking your DH to help fund it.
Your DH is going to get the short end of the stick, no matter what, money or no money. He has already seen and experienced that so why continue to feed it? It's money down the drain and is only teaching SD (and BM) that she can continue to expect it.
My DH has not spoken to BM in 10 years, since SD was 18. If something serious were to happen to her, there are other people that can get in touch with him. However, BM over here is not blocked as she found out that DH was very serious when he said he would never have a need (or desire) to talk to her after SD was 18 and CS was done. She definitely knows better than to call for money.
Your husband's ex needs to be re-trained.
Hahahahaha. Re-trained.
Hahahahaha. Re-trained. Reminds me of something DD said today "that a BAAAAD doggie"
I agree. BM here is not
I agree. BM here is not blocked either, but DH has ignored her so successfully that she never bothers to contact him anymore. My SS20 was alienated from 15-18.5, and when he came back, BM tried that crap too - trying to use SS as a reason to contact DH - NOPE. He's 20 now, no need to speak to her whatsoever.
Your DH really has to shift the power dynamic here by taking back his own personal power from BM and SD. They want him out of her life? OK, he's out. He can send SD an occasional text/email/letter/card and let it go from there.
If DH was not invited to the party
And I assume his family is not invited also. So his DD can disrecept him like that . And he asked to send money ?
NO, DD does not want a father, he should not pay. It's not going to do any good except being used more. It's time for DD to understand what she is doing.
If he is not part of SD's
If he is not part of SD's life, neither is his money. It isn't rocket sience.
DH needs to inform XW as follows. "She is welcome to visit us for her birthday and I will take care of celebrating her birthday with her. You can do as you wish but I will not be paying for it."
End of discussion.
IMHO of course.
Why is no one asking this:
WHY is there a party being thrown for a 21yo? Isn't she going out with friends? I get a small gathering of family, maybe, like perhaps a bday cake with dinner. BUT, no 21yo needs a formal birthday party with family.
This is what I was thinking.
This is what I was thinking. My parents didn't throw me birthday parties (other than cake with immediate family) after I was about 12, and once I was 18, I would go out with my friends for my birthday celebration.
I don't think the OP's husband should pay a cent toward a party he's not invited to, and frankly, I'd have no interest in paying anyting for a party for a 21 year old with whom I didn't have a good relationship. He needs to start ignoring BM, and if that means blocking her, so be it. She has no business in his life anymore. There's no reason he can't deal directly with SD. If there's an emergency involving SD, surely there's some relative of his BM could call who could get in touch with DH, or someone else's phone BM could use. If not, the police will contact him. He *will* find out.
I thought the exact same
I thought the exact same thing.
Just BM's way of being MOTY, while demanding money from DH. I would have to decline.
It is her way of being MOTY.
It is her way of being MOTY. "So proud"...i don't get that phrase. I'm not proud to provide for my daughter. It's just my damn job as her mother. And past a certain age I wouldn't be proud to provide for her because it means I've failed somewhere as a mother if I haven't taught her to provide for herself!
Let me quess, drinks on mom
Let me guess, drinks on mom and duckface selfies on social media. BBFs 4ever! *dash1*
I haven’t read the responses,
I haven’t read the responses, so I’m not sure what’s been said. But he right amount to give is a big fat zero. My DH has an estranged daughter, and a couple years ago they came asking for money despite having no contact for years. I told him a parent should never have to buy their child’s love, and that’s what this was. Not surprisingly, when he failed to give them any money the contact stopped. DH was beyond hurt but at least he didn’t let them take advantage of him. I hope your DH declines the offer to help throw his daughter a party, and instead offers to do something for her when she’s ready to have a genuine relationship with him. He is her father, not a walking wallet.
My question
So - what was your DH's response? Did he shut that chit down?
In our case, SD20-21-next-month Feral Forger, since Dh's mother passed in January, has not been seen or heard from. She showed up to the burial, and left, no further contact.
Which has been BLISS for me.
Previously, when Munckin SD13 was much younger, her mother Toxic Troll would have pool party sleeepovers at her apartment that had a pool. Dh would be expected to fund it - buy the pool toys, the food, the sodas, EVERYTHING, and TT would preside over it all like MOTY.
NOW, we do separate things for Munchkin. She prefers smaller groups doing something fun, rather than a big party. For example, one year I took her Strawberry Picking at a local organic farm, and we did chocolate-dipped berries with sprinkles instead of cake, and I took her shopping.
If YOUR SD chooses to not have a relationship, nor invite DH to the party, this is a sad reflectin on HER, not him. Hopefully he bounces back quickly and puts his energy and emotion into he little kiddo.
She’s getting nothing. We had
She’s getting nothing. We had DH’s friends over for lunch and unloaded on them. Old friends who knew DH and BM back when they were married. They were both horrified at how unhinged BM has become. DH admitted to them and himself that he’s coming around to the idea that SD is a lost cause because no matter what he says or does, her mother will be there to twist it. He once thought that if he never fought back, did the right thing by SD that things will improve in time. Now the definition of “right” is blurry. It was once right to provide for a child regardless of the animosity of the other parent. Now providing for SD will only reinforce BM’s self delusion that she’s entitled to these benefits.
Kids like this who are the
Kids like this who are the victims of a toxic PASing blended family opposition need clarity that their choices to be the victim of the toxic parent and to actively participate in that toxicity comes at a severe cost.
They get zero benefit of what is available from their other parent if they do not earn it with behavioral performance. This SD is an adult and as an adult she should be forced to experience the consequences of her choices to align with her toxic money grubbing manipulative BM. She knows exactly what she is doing, she knows exactly what her BM is doing and neither of them should benefit from your side of the blended family equation.
Good luck.
He did married her
He knew what he was in for, The kids are lost. Let BM pay for all of it. At there age there should be no communication between your DH and his EX. He not invited to there wedding either
Former partner's daughter
Former partner's daughter DEMANDED to have a 21st birthday party almost 2 years ago.
He didn't want to spend the amount of money she was requesting, and asked me and some of my friends what to do? We said look, she can have a party at home, pizza and beers, bbq, whatever! You don't have to spend a fortune...
But no, he ended up spending $2000. And daughter got exactly what she wanted, but did not deserve. All the dramas and hysterics too ,leading up to the big event: her screaming at him when they couldn't get hold of the venue manager to confirm menu, throwing tantrums over finding a suitable dress etc...
OMG I would have kicked her sorry arse to the kerb.
Every time ...
... I see something that tells me that normal, civilized people cannot possibly behave any worse, something comes along to tell me that of course they can, and do.
Upgrade, your DH, his XW and your SD are a new low to me. Congratulations?
Yeah, I hit the jackpot! Want
Yeah, I hit the jackpot! Want to hear something better? The XW is a religious counsellor who works with young children. Part of the reason why DH was so sceptical about the benefits of personal counselling when I insisted he go and get his head sorted.
I hope he found a good counselor
The good ones are few and far between. Think of it: half of them were below average in their graduating class!
I am not too enthusiastic about counselors of any kind. Clearly some people are just plain off their rockers and we need professionals to detain and work with them as they can. The rest of my comments here are about the counselors who work with people who don't need to be locked up.
I have had sort of a rough ride (haven't we all?), and in my early years thought counseling would be the ticket out of the resulting issues. I saw several over a period of 30 years or so. None of them helped, and I distinctly remember three of them who gave me advice so bad that even I, screwed up as I was, recognized as absolutely horrendous. I actually stood up and walked out of one consulting room. Years passed and I muddled through.
Eventually I got into a clusterf so bad that I simply could not find my way out, and I reluctantly went looking for help. I had a specific set of characteristics I was looking for, and by pure dumb luck happened early upon a really good counseling psychologist who met my criteria. I haven't had to see one since, and it would take a cataclysm for me to see one again. She was really, really good. Notice I said she was the last one I saw?
But she was exceptional. Again, 50% of these people graduated in the bottom half of their class. When you need a counselor, it's hard to gather the mental resources to search out and recognize a good one. It's mostly a matter of pure luck, much much much of which I wish you and your DH.
She seems to be approaching it the right way
Asking DH the right questions to get him thinking about reality vs his expectations. And how he communicates his expectations and how that has affected his reality. Not a bad place to begin the journey. Half of DH's problem was him jumping through ridiculous hoops to meet BM's and SD's demands. Never stopping to see how those actions communicate that he's a doormat and sets the expectation that he'll be nothing else to SD. BM might have started it but he's reinforced it by playing along. I don't know what his way forward will be but anything else is better than continuing down the old path.
After my 15th birthday I did
After my 15th birthday I did not celebrate a birthday with my parents until my 40th. So, I have absolutely zeri empathy for this Skid. That BM wants her XH to fund the birthday but not attend is toxic, rediculous, and absolutely intollerable IMHO. If I were this father I would be giving the X and the failed family pelvic sputum clarity. I would happily fund a birthday bash for my daughter to rediculous extent on the condition that her mother did not attend. If the X wanted to attend, I would hand her the bill.
Two can play the game. Play it to win.
BM invited us to cake and punch for SD who was well into her
40's at the time??? She doesn't live in the same area we do, so there was a drive involved.
I asked myself, "Who does this? She's not 4, she's 40+" But baby girl needed to be lavished with attention and gifts with an all out "birthday party." This was before the proverbial shit hit the fan between us, which turned out to be my saving grace. The Lord really does work all things for our good. When she went berserk (DH's words) it was ugly and nasty to see that narc mask slip, but daddy got to witness the "exorcism" with his own eyes. I personally was waiting for her head to start spinning.
We had been to several birthday gatherings for her nasty ass, but once she cut loose like a feral animal, I filed a police report and that was the end of THAT. There's not going back to that toxic tarantella, EVER! Although I suffered from severe PTSD for months and months thereafter, it really was a blessing.
To answer your question, $0 is the appropriate amount to contribute toward and "adult's" birthday party. They're grown! The need to finance their own fun!