Sandybeaches i dont understand these men and why they are like this with the crazy women they happen to have kids with.  They allow these women to continually have an impact or dicate their lives and not only that ,,, OUR lives! ,, its like they secretly enjoy being chased and obsessed over by these crazy people whom bring nothing but drama and insecurities to OUR lives as 2nd wives/step parents.    18 yrs of this is way too long for you to put up with it for ,,, i understand its easier to say that then try and walk away from it.  Ive done 7 going on 8yrs of this similar situation,, and finally last week i seperated and he has moved out with his child.  Its so incredibly hard! as he is willing to let me walk away after all the years of unconditional support i gave and all the years of looking after THIER brat but still accepts her lingering around in the background with all her bullshit and drama.  The BM is getting remarried and has another child with her fiance but still seems to have her say on what DH can and cant do.  I also have a bio child who is 18 now ,, i have never once imposed on his father and stepmothers life in the whole 10yrs they have been together,,, in fact the stepmother does a way better job than my sons father and i have loads of respect for her.    Im so sorry you are having to deal with all of this and your DH should not be getting angry with you for speaking your mind about this situtation.  Have you tried disengaging from DH a bit and see where that takes you ?  myself and DH were the same , always very close and spent all our time together but in the end , i couldnt compete with all the bullshit mentally and came to terms with the fact that this crazy BM was always going to be around regardless if the kid is 12 or 20.  My opinion was never taken seriously and after a while he would just get angry at me for continually bringing it up to try and find a solution,,, but his solution was to brush under the carpet everytime.  I disengaged from my DH and it only showed me how little he actually cared for me after all those years ,,,even though im hurting everyday ,, i find a little joy in knowing he is running around like a headless chook trying to do everthing by himself and if im not on his back about something ,,  that crazy ex is and he will never get rid of that! 

If your DH is the kind to bury his head in the sand, then he's going to be mad at the person who digs a tunnel to his face and shows him the beach from underground.

Your DH is under the misguided impression that, after 18 years, it is now your job to deal with his ex however you see fit. To a certain extent, he isn't wrong. You have to manage your own feelings about her and not rely on him to constantly reassure you that she isn't a threat to your marriage. BUT, he can only ask that of you if he is putting in boundaries to deal with her THAT ALSO protect you and your relationship.

I cannot blame my DH for his XW because crazy. Her craziness can drive me bonkers, but my DH has no control over how many men she sleeps with and introduces to the kids, whether she keeps a job, if she texts him crazy BS or starts spouting off about some lunacy in person, etc.

I CAN blame my DH if gives her money to supplement her own work ethic, engages in text battles with her, entertains her crazy ramblings, etc. The former defines her character. The latter defines my husband's ability to set boundaries and his ability to protect his marriage.

What I'm trying to get at is, if BM hasn't actively done anything to impact your marriage, but her presence has ramped up your anxiety to the point that you're in fear 24/7, there isn't a lot your DH can do about that. He can't control her and what she does, and your anxiety on this situation isn't his to figure out. 

BUT, if BM is weaseling her way into your life by befriending mutual friends, texting/calling at all hours of day from an unblocked number, is now working for the same employer in the same/sister department where she is interacting with DH in a consistent capacity, has moved nearly next door so she is always visible, etc? Your DH needs to start taking steps, AGAIN, to put distance and boundaries in place. Block numbers, find a new job, sell your house, etc.

I have found that sometimes silence will bring about better results. If BM does something in my life, I address it once with DH (usually). If he doesn't act appropriately, then I disengage from him and the situation until it's resolved. It sounds like silent treatment, but it's preservation. If my DH won't protect me or our life, then I'll protect myself by cutting off the source of the problem - DH. When he inevitably asks what's wrong, I remind him that I don't feel secure/safe/good about the situation still because it hasn't been resolved, so I'm protecting myself by pulling away from it since I have no other recourse. He doesn't like me pulling away, and action usually ensues shortly after. I rarely ever do this anymore because he knows my reaction to his inaction, and being disconnected from me hurts way worse than any stupid BS from BM.

Your DH needs to learn that if he won't protect you from the things BM does that directly impact you that you'll pull away to protect yourself. That you won't stand next to him while his head is buried in the sand, and you'll take a walk along the beach and leave him wide open to the tide and seagulls and sunburn. If he doesn't care that you walk away and disengage from him, or if he sees your disengagement from him as you also burying your head in thw sand, then there isn't much hope that he'll actually protect you in the future.

But don't make him responsible for dealing with your emotions that arise out of fear. If BM hasn't done anything, but you just think she will, talk to a therapist to learn how to cope. Your DH cannot be a dumping ground for your emotions regarding BM, especially if you have willingly chose to stick through this for 18 years. He can't do anything to make the fear go away if BM isn't actively doing anything to trigger the fear other than just exist, or exist in a new way that you're only aware of but not impacted by.

FEAR is usually what drives these men. They are afraid that dealing with BM any differently will result in a loss of the kids in their life. Sometimes they aren't wrong about that.  Yours sounds like the type who isn't in touch with his fear, or won't acknowledge it.

Maybe marriage counseling would help?

I read your last post a few days ago and now this one. Honestly, I cannot tell if you have a BM problem with poor DH reactions or if you just have a huge insecurity issue. It sounds, to be honest, a lot like you are trying to control something that is not yours to control. If BM is doing something to deliberately make your life miserable then DH needs to solve it. But if her mere existance and annoying habits are getting to you, then you need to seek help in learning how to cope or seek help in extracting yourself from this marriage.

I am wishing you peace. You sound franticly miserable and that is no way to live, no matter what is going on. Hang in there.

So if I'm understanding this correctly:

- HIs children are estranged

- His ex is a whackadoodle

- You have tried for 18 years and have now reached your limit

- And he won't work on this and go to counselling for you

Pffffft. Disgusting. Complete lack of respect. I would seriously consider leaving and moving onto a drama-free life. You deserve it. 

Some really good advice has just been given. So, I dont think I can really add anything of value except empathy for what you are experiencing/have experienced. 18 years! It sounds like ostrich husband is simply "used to it all". Thats what my DH said to me after he sent me screen shots recently of Toxxic Troll berating him and calling him p-whipped and pathetic. She also blames me for everything, largely because anytime she asks for something from DH, he tells her it is bad for his marriage because I would not be happy with him doing that for her (borrowing vehicles, hanging mirrors, giving her a pool table for example).

My Dh deliberately throws me under the bus. Im at the point of "whatever gets her off your back, but I would prefer if it were a straight 'no, I dont want to and will never do that for you, ever'. He did say that ONCE, a few months ago.

Our BM, Toxic Troll, well you can read my blogs for all the ridiculousness Ive endured this 5 plus years. One funny thing that happened right before we got marrried is she texted me a complete diatribe because she found out that I called her a "Golden Uterus". She texted me that I had a rotten uterus, that she gives better bj's than me, does her hair better, and that NowDH Then SO should throw me out of the house, that I was a non-working c@nt and an effing B!tch, gross and disgusting and that  SD13 Munchkin (whom I am close to) doesnt really like me at all.

I showed that part to Munchkin and asked her if it were true, she said "no, I love you".

So - I can empathize, this is no way to live, with all that stress. I dont know how you dealt with all the threats all those 18 years.

I hope that something changes, or that you can break free and live your best life.