Stepson sees me as peer
newbie, background:newly married and living together as a blended family for 2 months. I have 13yog,11yog and 9yos from first marriage that ended a year ago. Dh has a 13 yo from his first marriage..divorced for 10 years but a very odd relationship with his ex, lived together on and off this whole time for the "benefit of ss". Bio mom is a pill popper and emotionally neglectful(at best).
So..because son has emotionally damaging bm and a guilty dad, he thinks he's an adult and he's highly manipulative. He is never really punished and both parents will do anything to shelter him from anything unpleasant..like natural consequences. My kids are normal, not perfect, but not damaged. Our divorce was pretty easy..we get along..no drama there. I was also a foster parent, so I am used to "parenting" difficult kids, while not really being their parent.
So we've struggled...lies ss is caught in and not punished for, terrible grades, playing dumb to avoid being scolded..and really bothersome, my 9yo is mentally retarded and he recruits him to do the wrong thing knowing if he gets the blame, it will be less severe because of IQ issues. (btw...we are not harsh people..we aren't spankers..we tend to go for natural consequences)
So this issue was HUGE today imo and dh and I had our first big fight. I have a laptop, dh has a laptop, there is a desktop for kids..my older ones also have laptops(indulgent dad!) and ss has an ipad..he can get online with it. So I wake up this morning, grab my laptop and it's logged in to ss's fb. So...ss used it without permission...not cool. I don't freak out...although I plan on reading him a riot act on how it's the same as rummaging through my drawers or purse, it's private.(not password protected) Anyway..I go the natural consequences way and tell ss I'm going to have fun with his Fb page,,,changing his status and stalking his friends. He freaks out...gets all mopey...looks like he's about to cry...bitches loud enough to get his dad's attention...etc. I'm on there for a good 15 min and dh comes up to me, in front of ss, and says..."isn't that enough? You proved your point, now you are just being mean." Um....excuse me? First, very uncool to do that in front of stepson..since he loves to divide us. Second, I'm an adult..I don't need to be told how to handle ANYONE invading my privacy. I asked dh...would he EVER use your laptop without asking. he responded..Never. I said exactly...you are an adult, I'm just the chick you moved in.
Anyway..that led to an argument. He is VERY defensive about his son...and it is killing us. I won't compete with ANYONE for my spot as my husband's spouse...not another woman, not a child. You, as my dh, will make it clear that I am your partner, irreplaceable, period. His creation, his problem to solve. Finally, dh admitted that he knows I am fair and sane and stable and loving and good with kids so chances are, if i'm worked up about something, it's an issue. And we promised to revisit this tonight.
I think there's hope...I know my dh knows that ss has been put on a path he wants to see him get off of...but he struggles to deal with it because he has to admit his role in it. Frustrating! And because I've dealt with foster kids...I'm not one to back down. I don't demand that you view me as a mother...but you will respect me as an adult. Problem is, he thinks he's an adult to...one that stands shoulder to shoulder with his Dad. Shoot me now! lol
Stick to your guns! Despite
Stick to your guns! Despite all the whining and "hurt feeling" on the SS's part, you deserve respect in your own home, with your own personal property.
SS needs to learn this even if the DAD won't enforce it. You have the right to set your own personal boundaries on how you are treated by the skids.
Thank you! I'm a firm
Thank you! I'm a firm believer that we teach others how to treat us. I don't care who you are, you won't walk all over me..period. I'm not unreasonable..I think I have normal boundaries when it comes to adults and children. My kids know I am not a friend or peer...yet I don't act like a cold distant ogre. I often joke this isn't a democracy or monarchy...it's a gentle dictatorship,lol.
Sounds like you're doing
Sounds like you're doing things right and establishing your boundaries. He will learn.
This thirteen-year-old will
This thirteen-year-old will only get worse with age in my opinion. Be prepared for not a relaxing time.
Yes, but even being from nine
Yes, but even being from nine years ago, I bet a lot of SMs, if not even more, have this same issue. Unfortunately, as has been mentioned before, it is not unusal for traditional yet simple roles, like you treat a son like a son and a daughter like a daughter and a wife like a wife, to get all convoluted in step situations. Dad, for example, may treat a daughter more like a wife, such as letting her do what may and hang out with whomever late, while SM (his wife) is expected to do most, if not all of the chores, and has to ask her husband for a hand--she can't just expect it.
Thus, SM and SD wind up fighting like and cats and dogs over the wife role. They are equalized by dad in the household. Dad just, more or less, usually winds up lying around be.atching about being put in the middle. When, in reality, he set the whole thing up, because he failed (probably even before he had a first date with future SM) to treat his daughter like a daughter (or son like a son) and set boundaries and rules way back when, after the divorce. Winds up being pure hell for most SMs. SMs usually get stuck fighting, unintentionally, with BM over who is the #1 wife, and now along comes SD, and yes, sometimes SS joining the ranks.
Manipulative, controlling BM and/or SK and weak, enabling DH = Step Hell. And, yet, who bears the brunt of blame by society, well. . . Evil SM, of course. Amen to that.
You nailed it again, Idvilen!
This happened to me with SD and DH. It was as if he was as if he was emotionally cheating with SD. If I said something they would give each other the 'look of understanding'. If I challenged DH he would deny it, and insinuated I was paranoid. The fact was, DH didn't treat SD and I as equals, he treated her as if she was above me. It was always her word against mine. She continually told DH I made her 'uncomfortable', but DH never asked what I was specifically doing to make her feel like that in the home.
The day she had her meltdown he ran out of the house, refusing to return, saying we were placing him in the middle. As you wrote, DH was the one who actually set this up, failing to be a good Husband and respect me as his wife OR a good Father who treated SD like a grown daughter.
And you are right again that SM's get the brunt of the blame by society in general. I blame myself as much or more than anyone because I didn't put a stop to it immediately.