Adult step son
I have an adult stepson and he is RUDE to everyone.
His dad, his Grandmother, ME! ( just to name a small FEW.)
and i keep getting told, it's not just me.
So i am suppose to deal with it?
He is allowed to say what ever he wants. I'm not going to lie I don't hold back all the time. I am 1000% okay with telling people like it is. My problem is when i try to talk to husband about it he is on his sons side, saying he treats me like that too so just let him be. Because to his son I'm even lower on the pole then his own father. The part that really gets me is when I do speak up because I am human and I can only take so much. I get shit on by my husband. ( because I'm being a B**** because he was only joking and I'm the rude one ) he almost never picks my side until days after. When he has had time to think about it and see that his son is in fact being rude.
I try to talk to my husband and have a normal level headed conversation about it but i just get shut down and told I'm not the only one.... so we are teaching his adult son that people will just shut up and he can say and do what he wants with no repercussions. We also dont talk about it because "we have had this conversation before" what's the point of having a conversation about it if nothing is done?
I just cant handle it. It was a little better when he has his own full time job but not he has quit to work with his dad. So plus for me I am now the third wheel to everything they do. It's like I'm married to him and his son...
Also to boot they have a very unhealthy close realtionship. His son has been made aware of all private information a father should keep from his son and his son knows EVERYTHING.
So before my adult stepson moved in I heard everything I wanted to hear about how I was going to be treated and how he would clean up after himself. How he was told to be and it all went out the window the day he moved back in. To now be told to get over it, because its who he is bs. the main reason my husband puts up with it is because my step son is very useful to him while working, yes he works hard but who cares when he is messy and rude and acts like he owns it all and pays all the Bill's. ( which is a whole other story)
I'm not sure if I just need to vent or if anything can really be done. Talking to my husband just gets us running in circles and is pointless. Ugh.
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Comments
Adult SS
Omg...this scares me...my stepson is 13 but acts just like this too.i know exactly how you feel. Especially when they think their child are the best. I think though sometimes my SO feels guilty. Then I realized his Dad the grandfather is the same way. Always giving in and taking sides. But its guilt! So they keep enabling them to make themselves feel better.
Hang In there...disengaging works! I've been doing it for 2 weeks now!
Yes!
I have tried that. It only works for so long.
Then he gets to the point of picking on me, like fack!
I know its guilt 100% but it's like will you let your child rule your house forever?
Now we are silent fighting because I refuse to back down. Your lucky because hes still young. My ss was 16 when I first met him. So he had that I know it all teenage complex. I know it all!
My ss biomom is crazy and feeds bs to the younger kids about me and my kids. Like your dad is going to love her kids more, kinda child abuse. I make sure to never say anything bad about my kids dad around my kids. It's not a healthy way to be. But the biomom lives to talk shit. It's so frustrating.
Welcome to the site!
Your problem is primarily with your DH, not your SS. He is enabling his son to treat you like shit, not having your back, not shutting his son down as he damn well should be. From what you say about DH telling SS inappropriate, private information - the two of them are enmeshed to an unhealthy degree and this is unlikely to change unless DH has a sudden epiphany and realises that he has been behaving like a knob.
Thanks for the welcome :)
I know it's part of his lazy parenting. Hes more friends with my ss then a parent.
He gets frustrated about his son to, he gets treated the same way to the point where his son will speak out in public to put his dad down and my ss "calls it like he sees it" no matter who he is around. It's a constant disrespect to every one.
My thoughts about it are it's to late to correct this behavior because it was not nipped in the bud when my ss started started his disrespect years before my arrival.
My H is also parenting out of guilt to all his kids because they know how to minulipate him with this guilt about anything really.
Even his 18 year old daughter was bad and he started to see that when he spoiled his daughter she got worse. one time she sent me a message calling me a name and I snapped. I went and took her phone, her internet privileges anything I was able to take from her. We live our of town so no rides to town. I took it all. He found out that after I took all this away she got better like she was craving some one to put their foot down and show they cared. He gets it. It's just a combo of lazy parenting and guilt all wrapped into one. (She moved out because she could not stand me. So she said. I did not let her get away with anything and she was the bad kid of the bunch stealing a car one time and driving it down a dangerous highway that is known for a lot people getting killed at the age of 14)
He knows this we talk about it, I know that my ss's whole family is not going to put their foot down and help him see that he is rude to everyone. I know it's a both of them problem.
I just see no real way to end his constant disrespect to anyone, let alone me.
I know they have fights about the way he treats everyone but that only stops things for so long. My SS wont even cook in the kitchen because he is to lazy to clean up his mess so he just avoids anything he thinks will make a mess. So he can "avoid listening to me nag about it" like he thinks I'm being unrealistic with asking him to CLEAN UP AFTER HIM SELF.
The disrespect just got to me last night from everyone. So I googled chat rooms and started reading people's problems. And knew I needed to join this group.
I asked my husband who are you planning on spending your life with? What he got from that was I was asking him to choose a person and i got a clear message from that. ( it wont be me) not that I was asking that. My point was I was going to be the one putting up with him for the rest of our life.
My ss is 21 so when does it end? When do you stop having fights with your spouse about children who are useful when it comes to work and this gives my ss a god complex like " without me you would get nothing done" he is a good worker but also has his lazy days and weeks. And does nothing to clean up after himself.
I'm just waiting for it all to blow up in my husband's face. Because dealing with my ss is a lot for anyone on a regular basis and they both talk about needing a break from each other because they clash so much as a result of the behavior.
Why is your adult SS living
Why is your adult SS living with you? This is a DH problem, not a skid problem. Your DH is enabling his son to be an ahole, and passing it off as a joke. Those jokes aren’t funny, and his son isn’t the only ahole in your house. Your DH is every bit an asshat his son is by allowing this toxicity in the first place.
Sharing everything with his son?? Stop telling him anything then. Stop sleeping with him. Stop engaging with him. If he wants to be married to his son let him be, go do your own thing & leave the toxic lovebirds to it. None of this is normal or healthy. I’d keep speaking up, if your DH doesn’t like it that’s his problem.
Adult ss
He is living with us because recently my ss life got complicated for him he bought a truck could not keep up with the payments and rent once him and his girlfriend broke up.
So naturally he moved back in.
I know he is a lazy parent, he is also guilt ridden. His kids are spoiled beyond belief. And my H knows the more he gives to his kids the worse they get.
I do a lot of speaking up and I always stand where I stand.
All of his kids call him whipped because of me they think i made him into this compliant man who does everything i ask and needs to ask me permission to do things like buy vehicles ( because he is including me in a situation.)
What's funny about it is he does the same for them, they are just upset that for the first time they have to share this attention with a women as my husband has never been seen including a women in what he is doing.
My kids who are 8 and 10 and are amazing kids and I'm not just saying that. I keep my kids in check and if they start to get to the point of spoiled I pull it back and let them know.
I know they are young still but I believe that if I keep them with clear rules and stand my ground they will be better for it as adults and my husband loves my kids. It's also easier for him because they are young And all his kids are older so it's hard for them to look at me like I'm an adult in their life especially when their own parents act like their friends.
It’s totally a DH problem
It's never going to get better until DH does something. SS has a million thing that went wrong and move back in. So he needs a time table two months to move out.
Because SS lives a life where one day sick caused his whole financial world to collapse. That not your problem,.
What does?
What does DH stand for?
Dear Husband