I think you are doing very well turning up to each event that BM is at. I also think that while there are some events where BM & BF attend, it doesn't need to be as frequent!

I think your first point of call should be your DH. Does he know that it makes you uncomfortable? He married you and as such you need to be his priority. He and BM got a divorce for a reason. Let him know how it makes you feel and let him speak to his adult kid about it, it sounds as though she is happy having mommy and daddy together at things, whether it's at your expense or not! Everyone - including you - needs to feel comfortable with the arrangments. 

Good luck

Is BM married again or does she have a serious SO (Oh, boy!  Just saw she is single)?  Although I do like the suggestion above--that you don't have to go to every social event with your DH regarding his initial family (I know I sure don't), this topic is more controversial than I think many realize.

Most wind up thinking that if the SM chooses not to go, then she needs to just let her DH go nilly-willy and hang out with the ol' gang any time he wants.  After all, it's "his" family.  Then, the thought usually follows that if SM objects to this, she is somehow controlling or jealous or doesn't get it, and so on.

But, all I know is every time I Google anything like "hanging out with the ex-," there are suggestions for setting limits, but there are also articles regarding 'Ex Sex' and 'Tips for Getting Back Together with your Ex.'  I find very very few of these articles or suggestions even take the many 'what ifs' into consideration, such as what if one of you is in another serious relationship?  In other words, these articles follow the fallacy of most: mom and dad get to get divorced and then go on to have their cake and eat it too, and, well, if any new partners, including spouses, object, then they just have to suck it up and take it.  

The reality is, borrowed from another aticle, "If someone refuses to create boundaries between them and their ex, especially at the request of a new love interest, it could definitely indicate that they aren't quite over their ex."  Not saying they necessarily want to get back together with, but saying "they aren't quite over."  So, you're going to have to deal with your DH on this one.  Rarely should BM and SM be going one-on-one at odds with the other, although it supposedly happens all the time.  Your relationship is as your husband's wife, and he should be treating you like a wife, AND he is responsible for assuring that others in his fold treat you like his wife. 

So, have a long discussion with him about how you feel.  For me, I know I decide personally when I want to go to these events, and my husband decides if he wants to go alone or just not go.  But, I also know for a fact he does not get along with BM that well, and he does not specifically seek her out.  I'm not worried about any passion between them flaring, BUT that is me.  I agree, with all the media out there that stokes the fantasy about BM and bio-dad getting back together, implying the Evil fiance or SM can go to hell, who wouldn't shudder at the thought of DH running wild with his ex.  And, again, BM and bio-dad always seem to get a pass to do whatever, together.  For some blank-blank reason everyone always seems to have the expectation that SM or step-dad has to suck it up every time, "for the sake of ?," despite the fact that mom and dad never really did so--after all, they divorced.

SO, you'll have to have a long talk with your DH and see what you can agree to, together, and what you can work out.  This is about you and your DH.  It should not be about you and BM.

Ten events in two years? 

Are they all events being hosted by your husband's daughter? Is she coming to your husband's family gatherings? 

Ten events in two years seems excessive.  My DH's kids are minors, so you'd think there's even more reason to run into BM, but this was an area where I insisted on boundaries early on.  I will go to events where BM will be present.  A wedding, a funeral, a large birthday party for one of the kids - that's OK.  BM and DH have common friends, and the skids have family on both sides, so some of that is inevitable and acceptable to me because BM isn't high conflict.  I can be at a kid's sporting event where BM is also present, and I can attend a parent-teacher conference with DH, BM and her husband.  But I drew the line at getting together for holidays, which BM initially wanted to do and DH did before we got together.  We haven't run into things like showers and engagement parties yet, but frankly, we're working toward FEWER events together.  When DH and I first got together, all of the skid birthday parties were joint.  Now, we just do our own thing.  My DH knows that being around BM is not my favorite thing, so he tries to limit it.  The kids understand that their parents are divorced and that they have two separate families now, so they rarely suggest getting everyone together.  Your DH's ADULT children shouldn't need their parents hanging out together at every event, and he could put a stop to it if he wanted to.  Let him know he needs to institute better boundaries and consider YOUR needs.

and demanded to be present at multiple events includong the bio mum/crazy exwife who hubby cant stand it would be “bahahaha FAT CHANCE IN HELL!!”

you don’t have to go to every event, you can do your own thing or say it makes you extremely uncomfortable.

also sd asking if her mum can come when its an event you are planning for ss during your time just needs a basic NO!! because her mum can do the same thing during her time and this is in your home etc and her bio mum should not be regularly attending your home at all... you don’t attend hers so she doesn’t need to attend yours

Least I know I'm not the only one now who has to front these painful events. Dh has told my SD28 that we dont want to hang around with BM but she will still plan things and there bm prancing around me me me. A lot of the time neither of us go to these things or we go for 1 or 2 hours just to say we made a effort. Like I'm all for everyone getting along for the kids but sometimes it can be a bit much. And you feel more like the stand in rather than the wife. So I understand and feel for you on this front. 

BM isn't trying to be polite, she's pissing on her territory by reminscing about the time they were together. DH needs to not encourage that. "Oh yeah, right - excuse me, I have to go speak to Uncle Charlie ..."

It's good that they can get along, honestly, and not force separate events for every occasion, but that doesn't mean you always need to go. Pick the important ones and then put your foot down on the other ones.  Your opinion on how it should be is just as important as DH's.

And why do they have so many dang parties?

I think it’s just hard for him to tell his daughter that we would rather celebrate an occasion separately sometimes. He seems to not to want to disappoint her.

Life is full of disappointments, her parents are divorced, after all.

I just think that all of this togetherness, after a divorce and especially after new partners enter the equation, is a bit much. Certain events, such as weddings and graduations are one thing, but every little thing is unnecessary and I wouldn't do it.

Your SD is moving next door and will have an in law suite where ex mommy dearest may move in? Pls tell me I didnt read that right.

You may not have control what others do, but if the parties are uncomfortable (I TOTALLY GET THAT!!!) I cannot imagine this scenario. This will NOT end up well. You will never get away from the ex who is still single. How far will your DH go to please his DD at your expense?? 

Best of luck

There are times when the bios need to be together at the same function -- weddings, graduations, etc. I have seen the BM exactly one time, at a wedding, since I married DH 15 years ago. Ten times in two years is ridiculous if it makes you uncomfortable.

Your DH would much rather YOU be uncomfortable than HE be uncomfortable. It's as simple as that. So you must find your own voice and stop giving in to what everybody else wants. If YOU don't want to go, then don't go. ("DH, I am uncomfortable with these events, so I have decided not to go. You go ahead if you'd like, or suggest to SD that we have a separate celebration for xyz. Either is ok with me.")

Being told to just smile and endure is for the comfort of everyone but YOU, when YOU should be your DH's priority. It's not selfish to take care of yourself, especially when no one else is.

They're trying to be one big, happy family! Isn't that sweet?

The first thing I thought when I stumbled across the geographic/neightborhood proximity piece was, He's trying to establish a harem, and she's Second Wife. That's right, everyone in this scenario is a character in his fantasy of having an old-fashioned harem with multiple wives and kiddos and everyone living cheek-by-jowl, together, harmoniously. Well ... not his problem if the silly women and kids don't get along. Let them work it out. Meanwhile, he gets what he needs, he has access to anyone--kids, women--any time he wants, and everyone else can suck hind tit.

Listen, chiquita. He--yes HE, not the steps, not the ex, but HE-- is trying to set up a plural marriage. I don't care who's playing along, and I don't care if it's happening in American Suburbia, rural Utah, the Sahara Desert or deepest, darkest Manchuria. This social arrangement is a disaster for a woman and her children. Every day of your life, you and your kids will be subject to the stress of competing for His Royal Highnass's (spelling intended) time and attention. This will wreak havoc on your mental and likely your physical health. Mr. Man's plans need to be stopped yesterday. If he won't respect your wishes and NEED to be far, far away from the First Family, get out now. Leave. Get off the bus, Gus. Make a new plan, Stan. No need to be coy, Roy. Just set yourself free. Of all the things you don't need in your life, this kind of exploitation is approximately Number One.

Best of luck to you. You don't say whether this lot are members of contemporary Western society, but regardless, they are proposing an ancient,  horrible social arrangement that is an exploitive disaster for women.

They sound like a bunch of loonies. Lose them.

because very well into "adulthood kids" insisted on BM and DAAADDEEE being at every function. These people have been divorced for DECADES, but BM never moved on, and stayed single, while dad married (I am not the reason they divorced. They had been divorced for 30 years when we met.)

This went on and on. No matter how nasty things got, I tried to make my DH happy. It was very stressful and awkward. He and I agreed she would be permanently in the rear view mirror, then SK's would call wanting their "happy family" (who am I, their maid?) together. Dadddy would have to oblige and give in, though we had conversations about how nasty and offensive BM was at every opportunity. She was even allowed to stay at our place once all because the "ADULT KIDS" insisted on it and daddy couldn't find the key to his testicle lockbox (SK's had it well hidden). Finally, things came to a head and I refused to put his and his "kids'" happiness before my own. It caused such feelings of misery and angst when I knew I'd  have to be around her. I think the concept finally penetrated my DH's skull (think jaw breaker, and you finally get down to that tiny little bb in the middle, or the Tootsie Pop and how many licks to get to the middle...I am dating myself here) and he told one of his kids she can't be around us anymore, mind you, he did NOT TELL BM, but she got the message.

BM and SD are in alliance. They know exactly what they're doing, make NO mistake about it. Also, your husband sounds extremely enmeshed with his daughter, which has created the triangulation in your marriage. I'm not sure how long you've been married, but my guess is this was all happening before you married, and like most here, you think "it will get better after we are married." The opposite often proves true, it escalates. These emotionally stunted "girls" throw temper tantrums, manipulate their daddddeee's puppet strings and orchestrate a perfect emotional storm at every opportunity.

I personally do not agree with sending my husband out to mingle with his ex and their adult kids. I did not get married so that I could do things solo. One of the main reasons people marry is to present as a couple to society and to have COMPANIONSHIP. I told him, "BM is the EX, but I'm your upgrade. Appreciate it, or lose it." 

You have to take control of your marriage and tell your DH NO MORE, if this is to be a viable and thriving marriage.

I'm afraid I'm the devious type - I'd have called the cops about the horn-honking and pretended I didn't know who it was but it was causing a disruption in my neighbourhood. It's worth a ticket (125 dollars n WA)  in many places Oh, I am SO sorry, I didn't realize it was your ex, duh.

Then I'd see what else I could do to aggravate her ... in the nicest possible way, of course.

And, as a SM you are told things all the time like, “Keep in mind that it can take years to establish proper boundaries following a divorce, particularly if two people were married a long time.”  Yeah, well, why do we have to “keep that in mind.”  It is their !#$!$ divorce, so they get a pass to play handsy any time they want, while GFs and future spouses have to eat it?  I mean, really.  And, then we are told we are overreacting or “hypersensitive to BM’s intrusions,” or view her as a threat.  All of these comments, I find quite sexist, by the way.

We are not tards, and we all know that co-parenting doesn’t end with divorce.  What we want is simply a husband and a marriage, as normal as possible.  We may not expect a 100% husband, but we expect as close to that as possible.  That’s not asking for much, esp. considering what most of us are giving up on our end.  Yet, if we don’t want to suck it up and take it, or bite our tongues every time BM is around, for whatever reason, we are overreacting and hypersensitive.  Very few women, other than a SM, have to deal with an ex- in the picture.  Yet, for some reason, every professional man and woman, under the sun, seems to think they can tell us how we should be thinking and feeling about “the other woman.”

Every time you are with your DH and he is hanging out with his ex-, he might as well be running around in a custom T-shirt she made for him in 2013.  Because, that is how everyone else will see them—as the ol’ couple and isn’t that nice.  SM, his wife, meanwhile, will be seen as, “Oh, this is your second wife.” There is just something you feel from people when they realize you are the second wife; like you are the consolation prize. For some reason, people are far less accepting of a second wife.  It’s not just about BM or DH; it’s about everyone.

No long-term SO or spouse should have to put up with that, period, and if she doesn’t want to put up with it, she isn’t overreacting or being hypertensive.  She just wants a 95% husband vs. a 65% one, and if avoiding a former GF or ex- will achieve that for her, then her OWN husband and ONLY husband needs to put that desire to the forefront vs. acting like too-bad, so-sad, Pfft.  Because, after all, who wants a 65% husband?  Not any woman that I know of.

And, you can try to tell SMs all day long that they shouldn’t feel that way.  But, yet, you and everyone around you, anytime they are around any SM, will act like she is sloppy seconds and BM is the primary wife.  So, SMs will stop feeling that way when everyone else gets their shiatsu together and accepts a husband and wife as a husband and wife, period.

"... it can take years to establish proper boundaries following a divorce ... "

Should read, " ... it can take years to rip him a properly sized new one." It did in my case, anyhow. He just couldn't see that the passive aggressive messages the ex continually delivered [via SS(now26)] were attempts to undermine, insult, and just generally be a twunt. It took me several years to ... ah .. convince him that he needed to shut that sh!t down. It was not pretty. .

"All of these comments, I find quite sexist ... " Me too. In fact, I find them quite a bit worse than sexist, but right now will refrain from further observations on the matter. You're welcome.

BeautifulBird~ all I want to add is that NO ONE is worth all this bullsh!t and aggravation. Your H is unreasonable and his expectations for you to just "suck it up" are unacceptable. You need to have a voice in all this. I'd be damned if I continue to do something that makes me uncomfortable and my H stands there ok because he chooses to please his daughter and exwife, no way in the world that would EVER go down. 

So for just a moment please place yourself, your wants and needs 1st and to hell with what everyone else thinks and if THEY are uncomfortable. Their emotions are not your responsibility and you shouldn't have to bend over backwards to please them. 

I attended my husband's adult daughter's wedding with him yesterday.   After the wedding she invited us to have breakfast with her entire bm's side of the family and her bm., for the following morning.  My husband accepted.  This morning I told him we are not having breakfast with that group an he said he wants to have breakfast with his daughter.  I said breakfast with 10 people other than your daughter isn't breakfast with your daughter.  I told him we attended the wedding and I can see no reason to socialize with them because his daughter wants everyone together.  I told him to remember who he married.  We are skipping the breakfast.  Steps hold your ground.  Be respected and loved.  

Hi, I read your original post and felt as though I was reading my own story.  I, however tried disengagement and it has made a difficult situation worse. When we were first together, 10 years ago, SD (the princess) was ok toward me until she got married and pregnant-then it became I need to spend time with just Daddy. I later became aware this meant time to have coffee with BM and daddy and if BM was not there to update DH on all her mother's goings on. I put up with lots until finally I found this group and started the process of disengaging.  And then it got ugly. I have been accused of being a family wrecker, a liar, unwelcoming, rude.....the list goes on and on. The process of disengaging I found relatively easy, I do not want to be step-GM to the brats and have no need to be involved in the princesses petty nonsense. But the loss of friendships in his family has been difficult, every time there is some event my DH gets anxious and this causes friction in our home and I know in his mind his perfect princess is being scorned by me!

I wish I had stayed in the loop, not disengaged. All it achieved was me on the outside.

If I had my time again, I would state clearly my issues with BM to SD and DH (together) and ask them to understand that I do not want to be subject to the BM all the time. I would go further and confront her directly and tell her myself that she is no longer married to my DH and that her behaviour is embarrassing and causes issues in OUR family. I would also be brutally honest with the princess about how I am the alpha woman in my DH life and she needs to accept that or she will be the cause of family issues. 

Good luck