Is he just not wanting to deal with her throwing a tantrum at bedtime? I feel like that is too old to be cosleeping, especially since that is YOUR bed. Tell him time to cut the cord! Or he can sleep on the couch lol. 

That’s a tough one, because so many SMs come here because they feel pretty much the same:  “I feel like I live with two different men. The one I fell in love with who I adore and respects me, and one I hardly know, who treats me like a maid and expects me to drop my whole life every time” kids and/or ex- is around.

I think many others here will tell you that permissive parenting or Disney-dad parenting is very common for SMs to have to deal with.  There are a lot of things that add to this, including guilt.  A father who doesn't have physical custody of his child so often, will, to compensate for this, make visitation with his child all about “fun” or no rules or some sort of role-reversal where the child becomes the parent, directing almost everything in the household (for example, “SD has no concept she is a child, and I am an adult”).

Rather than go on and on with explaining, the reality is, she has two crappy parents that created the monster she is and will become.  A long time ago, they found it easier to give into her than set boundaries.  Old-fashioned term:  She is spoiled and spoiled rotten.  Disrespect and defiance are characteristic of spoiled children, who are likely to whine, beg, ignore or manipulate to get their way. Often, spoiled children are so overindulged they do not get to express themselves in ways other than through their negative behaviors.

Mom and dad and child all need counseling.  If they’ve been doing it already, they need to fire the counselor and get another one who will have the ability to tell them to their face:  Your destroying your own child, and enabling her to become a true failure as an adult.

If your DH, speaks to you “like shit,” whenever she is around, this will not change, no matter what her age.  Whenever she is around, she will be wife #1 and you will be wife #2.  Sounds to me like the whole family needs big-time counseling.  Best of luck to you, and take care.  If you want things to change, you’ll have to either get him to family counseling or marriage counseling, and probably both.

Good god the cosleeping. I'm having flashbacks of trips to see the kids and me sleeping on a damn pull out because DH left his balls at home.

She is way too old to cosleep. So were my stepkids. If DH won't handle it obviously dump him but if he simply needs ideas start a reward system for SD to sleep alone. I had to do so with bottles for my SD at 5 or 6. Yes it's silly but you gain some sanity and she gains some indepedance it's a win win situation

How can you love and respect a man who treats you like dirt half the time? It's the same man, who is capable of both personas. And it's not SD's fault, it's HIS fault. He's letting her run the house out of his fear (I think it's fear, not guilt, that drives these men) that she won't love him if he sets limits on her.

Your SD is 7. Time to insist on some changes, or plan to live like this for the rest of your life (yeah, he may not co-sleep with her when she's 22, but he'll be equally as poor a parent to her).

I really don't understand how people stay in these marriage long-term. It's one thing to be a poor parent, it's quite another to treat your wife badly when your kid is around.

My SD coslept until 10. It doesn't stop unless you make it. It's so unattractive for a man to treat this child like a giant baby. I refused to sleep in a bed with a child I'm not related to. 

My husband then had the gall to ask me when I was planning to kick my breastfed infant out of our bedroom. He acts like I am a spoiling indulgent mom *roll my eyes*

Another father who should remain single.

Had my DH ever treated me ANY differently when he had his daughter, we would not be together today.

This is a DH problem. He should not treat you like shit, ignore you or be overly demanding, ever. That is unacceptable regardless of whether his daughter is present. I might try to record his behavior while skid is there and play it back for him when she's not and ask him why he thinks it's ok for him to behave as such.

As for the co-sleeping, he and BM are creating a monster. It's not fair to SD and it's not fair to you. It needs to stop, and your DH is going to need to stop it. SD should not be in a position to refuse to come over if she has to sleep alone. Would BM play along with that nonsense?

I think you all need counseling, especially yoir DH, who needs a 3rd party to tell him what a disservice he's doing to both his child and his marriage.

Co-sleeping mama here. I sleep with my 2 year old son and don't have plans to stop until closer to 3-4 years or so. I see nothing wrong with it - and actually, I find it quite beneficial. We have such a close bond from it. BUT... and I say this as a huge advocate for co-sleeping... It's entirely, completely innapropriate when you're no longer in an intact family. You cannot have your spouse sleeping on a couch/different bed because you are sleeping with your child. It is all kinds of unhealthy for everyone involved. And your spouse should never sleep with your child if they aren't related. 

Co-sleeping is a natural, instinctual thing and very common in many non-western cultures. But that doesn't mean it's okay when you're in a blended family. Far from it. A lot of natural, instinctual and biologically normal parenting tactics go out the window when you break up your family. Unfortunately, that is reality and something many of these disney dads don't seem to get. THAT seems to be a huge problem on steptalk. 

My husband always understood exactly why I didn't allow SD in our bed when she was younger, yet I allow our biological son in our bed all the time. He gets it. He questioned it at first, but as soon as I explained that things change when you're no longer in an intact family, he understood. Is it fair? Maybe not, but it's how it goes and it's not YOUR fault he didn't stay with her mom. 

He does not respect you. His child comes first, you are third.  Time to have the talk to him.  You don't sleep with someone else's kid.

ugh. I have no real advice because it doesn't seem that this will stop since your DH is so fearful. I mean he should make the kid sleep in her own bed..... but then everyone would feel sorry for the kid and DH would be bad guy....blah blah blah...he's cleary scared of her not coming over if she can't co sleep....and quite frankly it's a real concern.....b/c (if he's anything like my DH) if she does decide this....he won't even make her come over........again...grown men afraid of kids....

My SD12 still sleeps with BM.....and SD16 slept with BM until she was 15. Thank god DH never had these kids come in our bed......I would have lost it b/c I stopped my own kid from sleeping with me when I met DH....so he had to do the same. Step kids slept on the couch outside my bedroom for a solid year........I hated it. Once the older SD finally realized that the world wouldn't end if she slept upstaris in her bed (she was 14)......the younger SD refused to sleep over and hasn't in 2 years BECAUSE SHE CO SLEEPS WITH HER MOM.....in the 6th grade.

The solution is simple.  It is called a door lock.  Lock your door and don't let her in the master bedroom.  If DH leaves to go sleep with SD tell him to pick her up, leave the home and don't come back.

End of problem regardless of what he chooses to do.

At first I was like, "get her out of your bed, dont you two have personal relations in that bed?" Then I saw your comment about DH going to sleep in SD's bed WITH her.

So - she is the mini-wife and you are the mistress, as far as roles go.

When I came into SD13's life, she was 8 ish, and still cosleeping with both parents. This stopped as soon as I was around, but I think continued with BM.

We did a sort of routine that I was included in, spear headed by DH. We BOTH would tuck her in.

Considering that she sounds very etitled and spoiled, that might not make a difference.

Firstly approach the DH topic. He should not be treating you different or worse when you are around. YOU are the adult and YOU are the wife and your station should be set and reinforced by daddy.

As she ages this will get worse not better, so you really need to get DH on the same page as you, or into some counseling, or really just evaluate where you want to go in life.

a stranger and non relative to you!! Is he crazy??

is he expecting you at all to have sex while she is in your bed??

seriously a basic concept which is your personal private space like your bedroom your husband wants sd to sleep in your bed and you just accept it. Heck i would have slapped my husband for suggesting that hat yours did and then asked he marry his daughter!! 

Don't you see it? These people don't care about you. All they care about is what you can do for them and their kids. It is not love. It is not a relationship. 

Oh god. I feel you. This used to be an issue for me too. I fought hard to the point of almost breaking up over this same issue. In the beginning I too got the privilege of sleeping in the spare room/fold out on weekends so that his (at the time) 3 year old and 5 year old could sleep in his bed with him. I stopped staying over and drove home. I will never forget the look on his face....so very confused because I have a spare bed for you here. (They actually think you deserve to come dead last if the kids rock up) I told him I felt strange sleeping in the spare room and questioned the kids weren’t in their own beds and the room wasn’t just set up for them. I guess he was still in the love bubble at that stage because he actually decided to move them to their own room. And that’s when the REAL battle started. The 5 year old was fine because he already slept alone at his mothers, the 3 year old had never spent a night alone. In the middle of the night I’d wake up and my partner had wedged this child between us in our bed. I’d ask him to take him back to his own bed. We would fight. He even had the nerve to offer me the roll out swag on the floor at 2am once! I always got my way though. We fought hard over this issue for at least 2 years, not kidding. He would accuse me of not loving his kids enough and blah blah blah. BM even called my partner and asked him if he could just sleep in our bed with us to “keep the peace” My response was no and tell her she doesn’t make rules in our house. We too had the issue of the kid refusing to come over. Tantrums and tears. More arguments for me and partner because it was all my fault of course. But now 3.5 years on and I have won this battle. My partner now thanks me and acknowledges that the only reason his child now sleeps alone in his bed is because I forced this to happen, and argued everything I had that my partner was to sleep in bed with me like a normal couple. I wasn’t prepared to live in that kind of sleep chaos nightmare. Now my partner is listening to all of his mates talk about how their kids can’t sleep alone and their marriages are on the verge of divorce and he knows I was right. Fight for your place and stand your ground. If he can’t see the benefit now, hopefully later on he will when he has the luxury of simply saying goodnight and turning out the light. It turned out okay for me but wasn’t easy. This kid has an unhealthy sleep association and is most likely very anxious. She needs to be slowly weaned off the sleep dependence and at her age it’s already deeply ingrained in her. He should start sitting with her while she goes to sleep, not laying, and then slowly work his way towards a chair by the bed, then the door. It could take a while but will be worth it.