What would you do?
I kicked my SS out of the house years ago for appalling continuous behavior. He was 18 at the time. He had been acting up for over 3 yrs. either I had to go or he did and I wasn’t going to leave my home. DH has undermined me for years in front of his 2 children. Every time I tried to correct them, he would disagree and take their side. DH also put the family in huge debt, that’s another story. When I was away 2 months ago, DH allowed SS to come back without first consulting me. SS said he had wasted 4 yrs of his life on drugs and alcohol and wanted to get himself right and go back to college. I was pleased to hear that and genuinely delighted he had come to his senses. For 6 weeks, he lived with us and we were getting on really well. However I was annoyed he wasn’t really looking for a job and his father as usual was saying nothing - useless. I was looking forward to having a nice family Christmas for the first time in years. 2 weeks ago, SS announced he was going to the city to buy us Christmas presents and he’d be back the next day. He went off the radar totally, texted his father 2 days before Christmas Day to say he’d be home on Christmas Eve. He never showed up nor messaged. It was another miserable Christmas. He texted his father 3 nights ago to say he felt like killing himself. I called the police as we had no idea where he was and thought they could trace him by his phone. They came to our house, looked at his texts and we all agreed he didn’t appear to be in immediate danger (by the way the following texts went). When the police were here, DH admitted giving 7000 euros over the past couple of years, some of it to pay off money lenders apparently - money we can I’ll afford. SS finally texted me yesterday. He said he had a cocaine addiction and couldn’t help himself. He was aggressive. I told him I would help him if he really wanted help but he could only come home under my terms. His reply: “Fuck You”. He is 25 yrs old, no job, no prospects, can’t even drive a car (I bought him driving lessons before he was kicked out years ago but he didn’t use them). I firmly believe he doesn’t have a cocaine addiction but he has a sordid lifestyle. (Apparently he and his scumbag friends visit casinos late at night targeting drunks to play poker with). I used To blame myself for how he turned out, but not anymore. The sad things is, we got on so well when he was home and I enjoyed his company. But at the end of the day, he can’t be trusted and has caused so much hurt. I wasn’t have him back this time. Am I wrong?
Are you wrong? no, not at all
Are you wrong? no, not at all - it was wrong of your DH to have SS back to live in your house without your agreement. Continuing to support a 25 yr old with a dodgy lifestyle and an attitude problem, is enabling him. I would only make him a part of your lives again if and when he has shown some commitment to turning his life around. Sending random texts threatening suicide is just one more bit of manipulative behaviour.
Where was he going that he
Where was he going that he needed euros?
Train wreck
No your not wrong he sounds like a train wreck. You dont need that in your life. Some people are just a walking drama. If it not one thing it something else. But I wouldnt have him in my home. And any help I would offer would be on my terms.
Definitely not.
Definitely not. But your real problem is your DH. How is he getting his hands on this money? You said that he put your family in huge debt before and now he has spent another large amount behind your back. It sounds like the apple did not fall far from the tree. I strongly suggest that you start keeping a sharper eye on your affairs before you find that any retirement plans you may have made and accounts you are counting on to support you are long gone.
You were generous to offer to
You were generous to offer to help him, and you were right to set terms for his return. His "FU" response is all you need to know.
He might have an addiction problem, he might have a lifestyle problem, but whatever it is you can't do anything about it. He sounds like a selfish user. Make sure you are protected, including financially.
It's your DH
You've done enough for SS. Don't allow him in your home unless there is a BIG change - and the change continues for a long time - years. Then work on your DH. Obviously, if he is willing to place you in financial danger he is not making your marriage a priority. Take control of the finances. Get DH to buy in to commit himself to your marriage first. If he can't do this there is a lot more 'wrong' here than just SS.
Thank you all
Thank you all for your input and support. It has been such an awful Christmas again this year, worse even than last year when he (SS) said he was coming home but at 11pm on Christmas Eve texted his father saying it wasn’t his home and he wouldn’t. I have been feeling anxious all day but once this has lifted I shall move on with my life positively. I know DH is planning on trying to bring him back again but I shall leave. I will have no other choice. Living with 2 clueless and disrespectful men is too much. I have been wanting to leave for years and I’m hoping that my situation will allow me to, soon. I wish I had never married a man with children. I so wanted a family and hoped to give them such good lives, but it has turned out toxic. SD is great though but she lives away from home now. She was the difficult one when they were younger but she has turned out to be great. She works hard and is respectful. But I would never recommend taking on somebody else’s children. It has been very difficult.
What I would do.
"But at the end of the day, he can’t be trusted and has caused so much hurt."
It is the end of the day. Write him off. He played you. He came home (whithout your approval), he bonded, he engaged, then he went back to his true nature which is pure dirtbag.
Time for your DH to gain clarity on his toxic pelvic projectile and purge SS from your life and marriage. This is an adult "man", not a young child. Reset to keeping him in the write off column and maintain the purging of him from your life. He will determine his own path, whatever that may ultimately be. You do not believe he is adicted to cocain and that he lives an edgy life style. That is evern worse than if he was an adict. A voluntary dirtbag is worse than an addicted dirt bag. IMHO of course.
This is what I would do.
Good luck.
I don't think you are wrong
I don't think you are wrong at all. I would be so happy if my SS ever offers not to come back again. You DH might be sad, but really he's the one making this monster..