Wow you have a full plate. I appreciate your saying you're not sure if you're seeking advice or just venting; likewise, I'm not sure if I'm giving advice or just responding. From both extreme opposite ends of the spectrum, I offer my sympathy on the loss of your pregnancy and heartfelt congratulations on your nine years of sobriety.

Of course you don't love him as if he's your own, so stop beating yourself up for that. I would have a better perspective knowing how long you have been in his life and how old he is.

You seem to be extremely empathetic, which has incredible advantages and drawbacks.

This child's BM has the maternal instincts of a sea turtle. You're seeing a child in pain and reacting. It's of great concern that he doesn't know or never learned how to control his anger. This is the "red flag" in your post that caught my attention.  He has a lot to be angry about! If you can contribute anything to him in the immediate, foreseeable future, seeking ways to address healthy ways for him to express his anger could be the best thing you could contribute to his life.

His sleeping problems and dreams of his sea-turtle-BM's death sound like abandonment issues peeking out of his psyche, but I'm no professional.

Lastly and most importantly, take care of you. Oftentimes, people with your level of empathy get turned inside-out from giving so much of themselves without getting the proper replenishment. Eh, I'm probably projecting on that issue, but the sentiment remains! All my best...

The child needs therapy. In addition to dealing with his previous issues, he is now dealing with being abandoned by his mother. Your SO needs to change his work hours so he can stay with his son. It is not your responsibility to be the boy's primary caretaker - it is his father's. What would SO do if you were not around?

What you are doing is admirable - but you need to always remember that he has a mother and it will never be you. If you read around this site, you will se story after story about kids with abusive mothers and the step mothers who end up parenting them who end up getting their hearts broken when the kids end up preferring their biological mothers.

You need to take some time to care for yourself. You have had a devastating loss. 

Let me just say my SD9 is an angel child. Shes well mannered, mild tempered, beautifully behaved and I have built a strong bond with her over the years. But when I was pregnant? Theres something primal going on then, there were moments I really struggled with her presence. There were moments I was jealous of her existence, this kid that was so excited to meet her baby brother or sister, there were moments it was really tough not to hate her. Why? Hormones. Humans are animals and theres a primal survival instinct going on. You want to protect your own blood, your own genetics, even at the cost of doing another harm (when your normal clear minded self would have no such feeling). Fortunately, communication was very open between DH and me and we were able to navigate it. 

You have sufferer a terrible loss and all the time you are being forced to see this child who is essentially abandoned by his mother. It's no surprise you flew into a rage. How dare she turn her back on her own child? How dare she not realise what harm she is doing to him and how dare she (and to an extend your partner) leave you to deal with his issues when you should have been pampering your own babe. 

Those are some very intense feelings but you need to allow yourself to feel them to be able to heal. It wont go away, itll be something you carry forever but you can make it so it doesn't destroy the other relationships around you. If that is what you want. 

You have my utmost sympathy for your loss. 

Your partner needs to have a reshuffle, he needs to be arranging or taking on the brunt of the care of his own child. Particularly at this delicate time. He would have to do it without you if you weren't together so it's not fair for you to be baring the brunt of it.

The child needs therapy, hes going to have alot of anger, alot of feelings of low worth and you will be the target of that, as is the natural way. You are, ultimately, the outsider. Especially if BM abandons him and then his dad is away with work, hes going to feel like neither parent cares. Now obviously as adults we appreciate things like Bill's and having to make the best decision at the time. But kids dont see it that way, they see time. 

Welcome to the group!

I have  a SS19 who is Autistic, Bi-polar, ADHD, Anxiety Disorder and more. 

I have him full time. His mother is a junkie who has 9 kids total and custody of none. My SS is the oldest. BM1 also had a few miscarriages and still births that we know about. 

My SS used to act like yours and comments on things like "serial killer" came out of more than one person's mouth. It took my SS until he was 16/17 to figure out his mom wasn't ever going to get better and actually be a mom.

I will say that once we got his meds worked out he was able to get through high school. He is working 2 jobs right now. He is also going to welding school at night. He is doing really well and I don't have a single worry about him being a good, kind, and caring person. He won't likely ever live on his own, but that is ok. We have plans in place for him to keep gradually gaining more autonomy. 

Sure there are days where he isn't connecting with people and he comes off as a giant A-hole. I have the relationship with him where I tell him I love him, but he is being an A-hole and knock it off, check his tone and try again because I don't tolerate disrespect. He always apologizes and tries better. I am not perfect with him, I have moments where I feel like I am going to lose my mind with him over stupid things like waking up or cleaning his room. However, he knows that he is safe with me, that he always has a good home and family with us. He never worries that his dad or I won't be there.