Last week I was at my wit's end. I was typing into Google "What do I do if I can't stand my step son?", While thinking to myself "there won't be any good results. What kind of monster doesn't like their stepson and admits it on the internet, or even types it into Google?"

The search results came up and I very quickly realized I was NOT alone. I found articles that said I do NOT have to love my stepson. I was struggling with him. He is a very difficult child. Diagnosed with ODD and mild ADHD. He wouldn't listen to me, his dad or his teachers. He was making my life a living hell. Then I found this page. These forums. I started reading other people's posts, comments and blogs here. I felt less and less alone the more I read. I was so lost and confused and anxious. I said "what the heck" and created an account and started my own forum post under the "stepkids with disabilities" section as that seemed most appropriate for my situation. I didn't expect much of a response. But the responses I got here from you all helped me change my life.

One of the first messages pointed out that he wasn't even my stepson technically. He was my boyfriend's son. We had only been together almost four months and I was expected to be this child's mother. To do everything for him. To be everything for him. It was killing my business, my mental and emotional health. Turns out I had a case of the narcissist, manipulative and twisted boyfriend. You can see my forum there if you haven't yet for the details. There's a lot. I was being totally used and was so brainwashed I didn't see the whole picture. You guys helped me wake the heck up. I thought I was being selfish for wanting them out. He accused me of it repeatedly when I finally stood up to him and said NO more. " You're giving up on your FAMILY. You can't make the decision to leave a relationship by yourself. You're not making boundaries for yourself, you don't even know what those are". It went on and on. The sick manipulative words. Then came the anger when the manipulation wasn't working. It was like he thought "I can't fool her anymore, so let's intimidate the crap out of her". It worked for a minute. I called my friend and a male family member over so I wasn't home alone with the boyfriend who was scaring me. I was relieved to have finally stood up to him and told him it was over. The energy it took to do that was incredible. But then I faced the next problem. He and his son were still in my house. I still had to take his son to school yesterday, and pick him up and take care of him and listen to him whine and fuss and be a brat and be cruel to my little boys. I still had to feed him dinner. I was going to have to spend the next week doing the same while his dad went to work. They wouldn't leave the house. I needed to spend this week finally getting my Christmas shopping done for MY two boys. I needed to spend it working, trying to catch up on the piles of work I had been neglecting with my business I run. I was exhausted and proud of myself for standing up to my abuser and user boyfriend and saying no... But my job wasn't done yet. I still had to tell him to get out of my house. With the help of a male family member/the owner of my house, this morning we gave the boyfriend the hard news. "You have to be out by Sunday". He cried. He pulled all the guilt cards. "How could you do this at Christmas time. We have nowhere to go. We dont have the money to take care of ourselves (he makes more than I do) I have no one to take care of him while i work, to take him to and from school". I almost started to feel bad. Then I asked "why can't his grandma or someone else help with him?" He said "because they have jobs!". That filled me with rage. SO DO I. A business I have been neglecting for months to care for him and his son. A business I spent years building up to become successful enough to provide for my two little boys. We are far from Rich but it's enough to let me work from home and pay the bills, while doing the artwork that I love to do. 

He's gone. He packed his stuff today, and magically found a friend (he said he had no one) to show up with a van and take all his stuff to another friends house where he is staying tonight. He is looking at apartments. They will be ok. Friends and family will help them. I am not selfish for standing up for myself against this full grown man, who is years older than me, who was using me for every he could with no shame. 

This is not something I have ever been able to do. To stand up for myself against someone who was taking advantage of me. To take the anger and outrage when I did manage to speak up for myself with a shakey voice. To survive the accusations of how selfish  and wrong I was. To keep my calm with a narcissist abuser. You have to keep your calm with these types. If you lose your calm then you lose with them. Period. They get you emotional and break you into a million little pieces. I have years of experience with them. But I have been healing. I have been going to therapy and counseling and coaching. I have been reading and meditating and praying. I have been growing and changing for the better. I have looked at all of my mistakes and started to see my patterns. I am doing better than ever before. I am still working on all of this. I clearly am still not all the way healed. I still attract these users, losers and abusers. I will continue to find out why this happens and do everything in my power to not make these mistakes again. I take full responsibility for my parts in these things. I am very proud of myself for standing up for ME and my two little boys. I promised them today that our home is our happy, safe place and I will never let anyone else invade it again, and move in too fast. I am happily single again. I love it. I really do. I am happy with myself. 

But I am not a steppparent. Technically I don't belong here on this page, in this community of stepparents. But I did dip my toes in it for the last fe months, and I saw first-hand how hard it is to blend a family. All of the issues that come with it. And I see why a place like this on the internet is so necessary. And good to have. Many of you put lots of time and energy into reading and responding to my forum post. You helped me when I was so unsure. You encouraged me to do the right thing and see past the lies and manipulation and the abuse of my boyfriend. I will forever be grateful for this place and that I sat there one day last week and hesitantly typed into Google.... "I can't stand my stepson".