I’m losing my mind.

Forums:

I just have no idea what to do. I wish I had read the advice here 3 years ago before my can-do attitude and my inherent nature to be nice overtook all reason and I ignored all the warning signs. My kindness has definitely been mistaken for weakness and now I am weak, I have nothing left to give.

I know I sound so self pitying and I apologise. I am just so tired and lost.

SD now 24 has lived with her dad and I and my now 17 YO BD for 3 years. Initially there were issues I thought I could fix by being patient and recognising this adult-child has a skewed understanding of the world and relationships. She has zero emotional intelligence and yet is highly manipulative, she distespects me so subtly others have a hard time seeing it.

i recently had had enough. The OH has seen enough to, at least at face value have had my back and challenged her blatant disregard for the few things we ask of her and to please consider the people whose home she shares, But, right now the spoiled woman-child is still living in my home, not speaking to me or acknowledging that I have had every right to ask for some respect and despite giving her a deadline which has come and gone.she is wrapping daddy round her little finger. All while the rest of us suffer in this tense and unnatural atmosphere.

She has had a profound affect on my life, I feel so depressed and she seams about in my home laughing and calling me and her father names with her 'friends' ( she doesn't have any significant relationships because she can't maintain them) playing online games I bought her

i made the mistake of trying to treat her exactly the same as my BD but it's all been a thankful task, I've made excuses for her and tried to guide and nurture her as I have my own child but the holidays, expensive gifts and caring for her day in day out has gone almost unnoticed. My wonderful, kind and respectful girl is also being warn down and we have had nothing but a blatant disregard for our feelings in return.

i don't even know where to begin giving examples but I'm at the point where I'm about to pack up and leave everything I've worked for to start over with nothing because I can't take looking at her smug face anymore.

The problem is I love my OH very much, as does my BD they have a lovely relationship and I have also seen what these issues are doing to him. He feels so guilty about everything and doesn't want to lose the relationship he gained with SD after 6 years no contact because his ex brainwashed SD when their marriage ended 10 years ago. Can I make him understand how hurt and utterly bereft I feel without making it seem as though I don't care about his feelings? and how hard this must be for him? Do I leave him? Or do I ride it out and pray I don't go insane? I am becoming so bitter and resentful and it's ruining my relationship.
sorry for the post/rant I fear I may have already lost my mind.

You've found a soft place to land here :)

With lots of ideas and options about how to proceed.

I think that even though your OH has your back you probably need to have a conversation about the fact that her living with you is enabling poor behaviour. It's not about losing contact with her, but making her stand on her own two feet out in the world which is what adults are meant to do. Let him know that by keeping her in your home, he is not only enabling her to not be a successful adult, but also hurting you and your DD as well.

If that discussion doesn't work perhaps a good counsellor might be able to help you explain to him that you will have to leave if this continues to proitect your own mental health. Maybe he doesn't realise what he could lose over this...

I'm sorry you are in step hell with this ungrateful adult skid - new imposed deadline required!

I would leave him, especially

I would leave him, especially if your minor daughter is being worn down by this (and she's probably also being worn down because you're being worn down). I wouldn't necessarily sever the relationship yet; but I would tell him that you're moving out because you cannot spend another day living with his daughter. I am guessing that you've been communicating to him that you are hurting for a while, and he's either not picking up on it or he's more afraid of losing his daughter than of losing you. Let him know he's more in danger of losing you than he realizes. I personally would not give him an ultimatum (I'd just tell him you're leaving), and I would tell him that I understand he's worried about losing his relationship with his daughter that's why you're bowing out.

How he reacts to all that will give you an idea of whether it's worth continuing to date him while living apart, or whether you truly need to cut all ties. But to let this fester and slowly your your mind over this, all the while becoming more and more resentful, which will destroy the relationship anyway, isn't going to be productive at all.

It sounds to me like you are

It sounds to me like you are in the ever-maddening mini-wife triad. Here is the link to some good discussion on our site:

https://www.steptalk.org/forum/general-discussion/mini-wife-guilty-father-syndrome-please-help-222541

https://www.steptalk.org/forum/general-discussion/mini-wife-255256

Here’s a good one on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/miniwifesyndrome/posts/1840169559600718

I find it interesting that the Facebook author mentions that pretty much only SMs see it and that everyone else tends to think it is just a very loving father-daughter relationship. It doesn’t mean anything sexual is going on; however, foremost it means that the daughter was somehow equalized to be viewed as being on the same level as dad’s GF or wife. So, rather than a child being treated like a child and boundaries being set, for example, the child is treated more like an adult in the home. Meanwhile, the adult in the home, GF or wife, is treated more like a child.

In that case, it is not all that uncommon for SM to feel she is being underminded, and she is. This is not every SD-SM situation or even most. BUT, if it is going on, it is extremely difficult for a SM to break it up or regain her authority, because the dad and daughter, and others, oftentimes don’t see anything wrong with it. Dad may like having his two women fighting over him, so to speak. Sounds biting, but if SD is blaming someone else, then he gets to be the Good Cop/ hero. SM is Bad Cop.

And, what can be even more harmful, is I cannot tell you how many times I have heard on non-step sites where BMs and SKs act like, “Well, of course SKs, BM and everyone else in the family is fighting over dad’s/ ex’s love or attention.” They have no problem assuming that whenever a SM or GF enters the picture, it should be an all-out war.

Nonetheless, your DH is pretty much to blame here. Manipulative, controlling BM (or SK) and weak enabling DH = step hell. There is no way around it. You have to either accept it for what it is, disengage completely from SD (meaning, your DH does it all for her; you do nada), or move on. Unfortunately, the mini-wife triad is one of the hardest things to break. You can pretty much thank your DH for setting this all up for you too. The SK just pushed and pushed and DH kept letting her, to the point of now where she has no respect for either you or her father, and is being permitted to get away with being an absolute a$$. Her life will not be a good one.

I would advise that you think of yourself first for once, and see a counselor well-honed in step-family dynamics. Seriously think about what you can put up with. It may be too late, and since you are a GF, it appears, you might want to get out ASAP vs. wasting any more time or your life (or your DD’s life) on people who just don’t know your high value, other than as a valuable scapegoat.

This stuff is gold

I definitely think this is what's happening, wow, whole new perspective, I'm going to make him read it and see if he is able to identify any of this in their messed up little games. Thanks so much

Thank you....

For the replies there is a lot to think about.

i realise I sound like a lunatic I will have a good look at the advice you have all given me and I am very grateful.

I am just at the end of my tether. We have supported SD and encouraged and I thought we were making progress, she is now working which made the decision to ask her to leave easier. I have been having conversations and at times arguments with my OH for the past year following the last family holiday which we paid for being completely overrun by the SD needy ways. There are some good aspects to SD but I'm finding it harder to see them these days.

She just blatantly ignores requests to please be considerate an example my BD just asked her to be quieter on her PlayStation as BD has to be up for college In the morning (and I have work in 5 hours) it's 1.20 am here. The SD response was to click her tongue and proceed to say to her online buddy 'getting whinged at again'. Surely it's not an unreasonable request? I will be shutting off the WiFi if it doesn't go guiet but then I get told I'm childish.

I work in a really stressful environment in child protection I love my work and it's helped me get this far with SD but I'm dealing with constant daily arguments or as I said an awful atmosphere at home so things are tough right now.

The OHs desire to see the best in her is making it hard for him to see the truth. We've tried family meetings, agreeing expectations and Ive tried both treating her as the adult she is and going back to basics I.e actions and consequences with no positive results. She's still here with no desire or will to see her errors. Her room smells, she does nothing in the way of chores and completely ignores me but is happy to live in my home. I would be mortified if my daughter treats anyone the way she's treated us. Thanks for reading and replying it's helped already to know I'm not alone.

Welcome, and DO NOT APOLOGIZE for your feelings, they are normal

and you have every right to feel the way you do!

I have not read other responses, as I like to go with my own feelings.

I understand you feel the SD is the problem and to a degree, she is, but YOUR HUSBAND created this monster that has lived with you and refused to LAUNCH. HE REALLY DID DO THIS. Everytime he doesn't discipline her, or follow through with deadlines on moving her out, he shows her JUST EXACTLY WHO IS IN CONTROL HERE, and sad to say, it is NOT YOU and it IS NOT HIM, IT IS SD!!

Your logic with treating both girls the same is understandable, however, you have also been part of the problem (unbeknownst to yourself, as you were trying to reach middle ground with her) bc she has learned I act however I DAMNED WELL PLEASE, and I get what DD gets. So she has seen no matter what she does, should do, or doesn't do, ABSOLUTELY NO CONSEQUENCES FOR HER.

Your DH is really at the heart of all of this. His divorced daddy guilt and not having her in his life have made him want to "make up for lost time" and in doing so, it will cost him his marriage. No woman wants to be made to stand in line behind his mini-wife.

I am so sad and sorry for you. I am struggling with a mini-wife myself, although she does not live with us, she is miserable and projects that all onto us as well, while DH keeps coddling...almost 50 and still stroking her little ego, and hoping to be a part of her life, no matter the abuse she thrusts upon us.

Oh god is there no hope?

I fear you are right, we set this up to fail and gave no thought to How giving her a home when BM kicked her out would actually work. OH admitted today that he worries she will never see him again if he enforces the shape up or ship out mantra he has used for the last 3 months and that he feels I make the situation worse because I dare to complain.
She's just informed me she is going back to her mother and SF but couldn't leave today as she wanted as BM is going away. Her relationship with her SF also seems very odd and I feel her hesitance returning is his reluctance to have this monster in his home again. I'm hoping and praying she leaves Friday and I can implement the longed for disengagement if not then I am leaving, reading the posts here have been empowering to say the least.

Good luck!!

Here's hoping she goes back to BM of her own free will!!

Haha I’m kind of hoping.....

I get to give her a kick up the arse on her way out. I want to see the moment she realises I'm done being her doormat.

The only hope you have is if HE SEES THE MESS HE'S CREATED

It will be worse than the vampire looking upon garlic, trust me, because in seeing that, he will also have to dually accept he has failed as a father. Few men on here will do that. Admitting they failed generally is not an option.

What is completely perplexing to me is, many of these men have WONDERFUL WOMEN/PARTNERS/WIVES in their lives, but they would even risk LOSING HER OVER THESE GIRLS! I cannot get my head around it. Some snap out of it when they see their woman's hand is on the door, but more times than not, they just let it happen, because that's what their baby girl wants.

We will not change what we refuse to confront and we won't change until we are sick and tired of being SICK and TIRED.

Most recently DH pulled a stunt (you can read about it under "General") and decided to cut off credit cards without telling me. I'm only an authorized user, not a joint account holder. I was absolutely floored, as I am not a big spender, and he had not had a conversation with me. The cards were primarily used for me to buy business supplies when he had asked me to. I was livid, as this was a culmination of slow, but steady building of events. Even his kids had credit cards while he paid for their college as well. They never had their limits reduced!(?) He did turn everything back on the next day and ordered new ones to give me. I declined, telling him you'll have to figure out how to do your online ordering, or call your mini-wife and have her do it for you. I'm closing shop. I haven't cleaned house, done the laundry, cooked, changed sheets...NADA! I am a clean freak and he is too, but nothing will change, so I am facilitating change, until I get the desired behavior.

I can't believe he did that

I can't believe he did that to you or that there are still issues for you with this after so many years. You are clearly a very strong person and I hope your DH realises how much he clearly does not deserve you.

The deadline for her

The deadline for her departure has passed. So enforce it. Schedule a locksmith to re-key the locks when she next leaves for school, work, etc... When she returns have her crap on the curb. DH needs to back you on this or don't give him a key either.

I know

You are right and the whole thing of BM. being away for a few days is just more attempts (and successes) of SKid controlling the situation.

OH admitted today that he

OH admitted today that he worries she will never see him again if he enforces the shape up or ship out mantra

He cannot let himself be held an emotional hostage.

If his daughter chooses to not see him because he wants her to grow up and be an independent, respectful, decent human being, then what kind of relationship do they really have? He cannot make up for the lost time of the past. She either respects him as her father or she doesn't. She either wants a relationship with him or she doesn't. She is 24, but he is still her father and has the right to impose rules and expectations in his home.

Is pleasing her more important to him than his relationship with you? Because, at this point, his relationship with her sounds pretty one sided. He truly wants it, but she just wants what she can get. That is not worth destroying what he has with you and your daughter.

And we have seen plenty of relationships destroyed by adults like your SD.

Update

Just wanted to let you all know that I really appreciate your help. SD is gone and we could not be happier. My BF recognised how toxic everything had become and backed the move 100% and she has gone and life is already so much nicer. I'm now disengaging completely. I love my partner but I won't allow myself to become utter and twisted because I've allowed someone to walk all over me. I feel so positive about the future and it is thanks to this forum that I found the strength to not allow it to go on any longer. Thank You