You don't have to put forth more effort than she does. If you two get along and don't fight and aren't disrespectful to each other, then that's more than a lot of dads get and that should be enough. You don't need to be her mother or her best friend and your DH  needs to chill the f*ck out with that nonsense. You all should consider yourselves lucky that you can coexist peacefully and he needs to let go of this image he has of the two of you shopping and braiding each other's hair. He needs to stop pressuring you because it's just going to make you resentful and he'll get more and more pissy if you two don't bond. Sometimes it never happens. Tell him to be glad that don't hate her and stop trying to force a relationship. You married him, not his daughter and he needs to lay off. 

This has to be a big adjustment for your SD. She only met you twice in the year you dated her Dad, and then you married and moved in and it has only been 4 months. If your DH was so set on you being so close with her, why did you only meet her twice before you got married?

DH needs to back off and you need to try and let the relationship develop organically. It might be as difficult for her to know what to talk to you about as it is for you to know how to talk to her. Start with open ended questions that can't be answered with one word.

Frankly, it seems like the real problem is your DH. It is very odd that he would discuss your rape with his daughter. He needs to quit discussing your personal life with her and he needs to quit telling you how to interact with her.

"DH, if you want us to have a relationship, then YOU need to help facilitate it, and NOT have it be about one of my most traumatic experiences that I would never wish on your daughter or want her to have to think or worry about. Under no circumstances is or was that an okay topic of discussion, and your insistence on bringing it up now only makes it harder to talk to her. And it makes me wary that you have my best interests at heart. How uncouth!"

It sounds like you did a lot of changing for this relationship in a very short amount of time. What, exactly, has your DH done to meet your needs? All because he has a chikd doesn't make him the team captain of your relationship. He shouldn't, and doesn't, call all the shots. He's a team member with you; he just happens to have different responsibilities, like a pitcher would differ from a catcher or outfielder.

You are absolutely within your rights to go back to doing the things you did before. If your DH is concerned about the kind of role models arwe around his kid, then it's HIS responsibility to find and marry someone who he feels exudes what he wants his daughter to see. If he wants you to have a good relationship with SD, then it's HIS responsibility to facilitate that relationship in a positive way, which he most certainly hasn't done.

Stand up to him and tell him to knock it all off. He either takes you as you are, or he knows where the door is. Never, ever is it the responsibility of the stepparent to ensure that their stepkid feels loved, appreciated, beautiful - whatever other crap your DH is filling your head with. That's HIS job, and if he only wants these things because he wants to be better liked than the ex, then he's not even doing it because he cares about his kid.  It's only because he cares about his ego.

So, lay it out for him. Lay out what is and isn't appropriate for YOU. If he threatens to end your marriage, call his bluff. It is NOT OKAY to be treated like a child by your spouse and be told what to say and do. He either needs to learn and accept that this is all VERY new for you and SD and comes at a point where SD isn't looking for a new mom/parent and that it's not your job but his to ensure SD feels loved and appreciated, OR you need to look for your exit and be thankful you only wasted 16 months on this jackarse.

I'll just pile on - your DH's expectations are, frankly, insane.  He has a fantasy that you two will just bond like magic and the girl will want to live with you and he will WIN against BM - he'll be the favorite parent.  He gave exactly zero thought to either you, or his daughter, while he created this fantasy in his head.  Now he's forcing both of you into a relationship that neither of you are comfortable with.  She's 14, doesn't really want to be around her parents, and probably doesn't really want a "stepmother".  She's at least not rude to you directly, which is a victory when you've married a guy with a teenage daughter.  He wants you to tell her she's beautiful?!  So he's even writing the exact script you should use to help him realize his fantasy family.

I'm not one to say RUN right off the bat, but honestly, I'd be reconsidering this marriage.  Unless he can hear what you say and realize that he's the one who is making this a problem and has unrealistic expectations, then I'm not sure this can work. 

Not to say your are blameless, you really should have insisted on establishing a relationship with this kid prior to getting married, and should have talked about these expectations of his.

If your DH was so intent on marrying you so that you could help him win against his EX.. he might have tried to foster more of a relationship with you and his daughter over the last year of dating.

Geez he just threw you in there. Maybe she feels as awkward as you do. Your like who this kid and she like who this women. Teenage girls do lock themselves in there bedrooms a lot. So i wouldnt take offence to that. She doesnt seem to be disrespecting you. Maybe the 3 of you can go somewhere fun for the day so theres a different atmosphere for you two to get to know each other better. It was a bit selfish of your husband just to throw you together like that and expect you both to just hit it off. Not really knowing each other.