Oh someone help me!

Forums:

I'm going to TRY to keep this short and concise. I'll give you all some background info and then please, please help me deal with this insanity lol

I am a bonus mom to one 8 year old daughter.

My fiancé's Dad and his ex wife's mom are together.

Ex wife hates me, to be honest, she feels inferior to me unfortunately due to her own insecurities lol huge fight before was about me "never being SD's mom" and "overstepping"- I wasn't over stepping for one- I was supporting fiancé's wishes and second of all I would have to "overstep" if you actually stepped up! She was worthless apparently until I came into the picture and put a fire under her to actually DO something as a mom. And this condescending tone from me is because I'm just so fed up with her B.S.

To the issue at hand lol

SD's teacher at school is horrible. Mom of the year (insert eye roll) has talked the teacher 3 times and now the principal twice and ultimately SD is on the list to get switched to another teacher. All fine dandy. The teacher is horrible like I said- rude intimidating- I'll save all the specific details but my very timid SD can't stand up for herself in front of this woman. SD's mom is in a pissing contest with teacher. Took out the work in homework folder and will not allow SD to do it (it is excessive) I get it fine...BUT the students have to work on that work at school too...so now make your daughter emabarrased for not having it! SD worried sick about it and I told fiancé that I would write a letter. He agreed. Told SD if the teacher makes a big deal about it then give her this note- otherwise don't.

the note read as:

Ms.___________,

SD voiced her concern about not having her old work to work on in class. Her mother took it out of folder. We had her yesterday and we could not get work back. Any questions please feel free to call me. Thanks.

It was pumpkin contest and we decorated a adorable pumpkin and I had to get the stroller to wheel it out to car. I hear all this noise coming from inside the house. It's SD's mom yelling at her about me and this damn note. Saying I'm trying to make her look bad. I interrupted and said THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION. She keeps yelling. I walk away. She calls my fiancé. Drama. He sticks up for me. Thinks it's beyond stupid. Calls her out. He's mad at SD. Thinks she needs to learn when to talk about stuff and not-basically don't be all upset complaining to us and then making a huge issue now (granted not her fault) but she does know better after all this time of drama of this family. SD's mom calls and tells her mother (that woman is a whole other story believe me) who then calls my fiancé's dad who then calls my fiancé. But keep in mind ya'll SD's mom isn't "mad" so she told my fiancé. It's all b.s and petty. Not the truth. Taken so far... misconstrued. Could have been handled so differently. Talked to me like an adult. Not assuming I'm out to get her. It was to benefit her daughter who was scared of the impending doom in class. Throw her under the bus? Honey- you through yourself after all the talks with the principal and the teacher herself.

cherry topper- we will be living with fiancé's dad until we can move into our new house in 2 months. Joy of joys!

sorry for the length. I'm just so pissed off because once again it all hit the fan and who suffers? The daughter. It's sad. And oh me because I have to be living with the sharks themselves in like a week. Pray for me. Lol

Honestly? I think you

Honestly? I think you overstepped. It's not your place to manage SD's school issues, and if DH disagrees with how BM is handling it, HE can talk to the school or write them notes.

I can see why BM feels her toes were stepped on and you insulted her. Of course, she could have reacted differently, that's on her - but you really don't need to be the person dealing with the school. Leave it to DH.

You waaaaaaaay over stepped.

You waaaaaaaay over stepped. This isn't your problem or issue to solve. SD has a mother and a father..and grandparents....as of right now you are just dad's girlfriend with major boundary issues. I would be PISSED if I were the BM and would make it so that you had absolutely no contact with my childs teachers or schools....ever again. The faster you realize that you are not this kids mom or "bonus mom" and that you are literally just her dad's soon to be wife, the better of you will be.

You just posted that the BM could have talked to you like an adult, but you sending that e-mail was not an adult move....

Drama will continue with BM if you don't take a gigantic step back off her kid.

I agree with Tog- Dad should

I agree with Tog- Dad should have written the note, not you. Even if it was your idea, dad's signature needed to be on that one.

As for your future FIL and him being shacked up with BM's mom- That is more drama than I would be willing to deal with. A talk needs to be had with both of them that they need to stay the F out of any parenting issues. There is too much crossover. They are the grandparents and need to be regulated to grandparent activities- they do not get to overstep their boundaries.

I would also find somewhere else to live for those 2 months. ANYTHING is better than living like that and 2 months is a really really long time to live with BM's mom!! Holy crap.

Yeah sorry but anything to do

Yeah sorry but anything to do with school needs to be handled by BM or dad.

I have a great relationship with my SD and no drama with BM. Why? Because I have ZERO contact with BM.

If i notice something within SDs school books that need addressing, i tell my husband, but it's down to HIM to write it. Heck i will help SD with her homework but I will not sign any of her school stuff. That's on my DH.

One of my mantras is you cannot care or do more than the biological parent. You see something that needs attention, you bring it up to your spouse. You share your opinion, you state what you would do, you ask what they are going to do about it and then you back off and leave it alone.

I really like your response.

I really like your response. My issue is I care too much. I see what needs to be done and ask and do it. I'll back off. I'll leave it all up to DH. Just in the moment with her crying scared going to school- DH at work..What is one to do. If my son were to have a bonus mom I much rather her involved and helping out than having issues hating him like some of these posts I've been reading this morning.

I too have zero contact with

I too have zero contact with BM...it's really the fact that we are unable to cut ties to it all because of who's shacking up with who. It was a lose lose situation since the beginning.

I hear you. I have only

I hear you. I have only recently become a bio mum myself (my little girl is 1) but like you, if she were in that position I would hope whichever adult was at that time responsible for her would act instead of leaving her anxious.

Its damned if you do and damned if you dont I'm afraid.

I don't hate my skid and I

I don't hate my skid and I helped him out as necessary. In my case I think BM is a lousy mother but SS is her son, and it's her right to parent as she sees fit, regardless of my opinion on that.

You really aren't a "bonus" mother - you are her father's GF. Being kind and helpful to her is one thing - trying to influence school issues is quite another.

You think you'd appreciate a stepmother helping your kid, but if that stepmother felt about you like you do BM, your feelings might change on that.

Thank you all

All your comments have been very insightful. I'm just so stupid and would be so lost without your input.

I'm not some new trashy gf...I have been around for 6 years. I paid my dues and dealt with all of this for 6 years. Kept my mouth shut and minded my p's and q's. Accepted BM and the whole circus with open arms. In my family we don't use step. We say Bonus because it's just another person to love you. Soooo sorry to make you gag. I didn't waste my time explaining the nitty gritty with it all and the constant battles drama and the attacks..how they treat me and my "boyfriend's" child. Maybe my just my boyfriend has put too much on me for the situation. Perhaps, I'm not some evil dads gf and I care deeply for the child. I didn't come on here to get my butt kissed. I came on here thinking this was a safe place. I appreciate the constructive criticism. From TOG, though I put myself in the shoes and would want someone anyone to write a "get out of jail" free card for my son if he was in this position...but perhaps I'm just a different kind of person. I know it's Halloween, but I did not expect the trolls or witches to be out this early.

thank you Justmakingthebest for not just attacking..acknowledging some of the bat sh*t crazy I have to deal with and realizing there is more to the actual issue. The crossover. The lack of communication. The fact I'm left to deal with it all on my own.

You all may not agree with my decisions, butI'll reiterate that I do everything out of love and well being for her.
It wasn't an email. It didn't even get to the teacher.

- the Evil bonus mom step mom just Dad's girlfriend

You are not stupid just

You are not stupid just because you care. Crazy, high conflict BMs make it very difficult in these situations. It's sad that they would discourage another person from loving their kid but that's the way some of them are.

I put up with the crazy for more years than I care to admit, and my SD (now an adult) is the one who has suffered the most because of a high conlict BM. She's too brainwashed to see it, but....

Sometimes, no matter how much you care, there is only so much you can do.

Thank you for your response.

Thank you for your response. I know I'm not stupid- condescending remark in defense of feeling bashed or just a "nobody" in her life. I was praised by BM mom for being so wonderful etc the best for the child. I get BM mom sides with her child...but those 3 are children themselves. The way they fight with each other and the games...oh boy they love games it's utterly SICK. See...lots to the story. Lol I know I can only do so much. I have even taken the back burner for some time. The note was harmless to benefit child and calm her anxiety. I even agree with BM with the issues with this teacher etc. It is what it is now, I'd just appreciate some guidance to navigate because clearly I suck after 6 yrs.

Thank you for your response.

I didn't attack you, I said I

I didn't attack you, I said I thought you overstepped. You asked for help, you got it, but you don't like the answers.

I said I liked your response.

I said I liked your response....

I said I appreciated your

I said I appreciated your constructive criticism...I didn't think you attacked me.

See, I like your response too

See, I like your response too. This was the type of comments I had expected. I just joined. I don't know the etiquette or terms I need to use or say etc. A little empathy goes a long way...not being quick to judge or bash. Support someone struggling or upset..just being a decent human. Or ask the questions first. Such is life.

Do advice as to how to not care? Like how to pull out or away without affect the child. She is so smart. She will pick up on the change. I pick up where my partner lacks...partnership. Takes a village to raise a child. I'm just lost.

You overstepped

If my BSs stepparent wrote a note to his teacher about anything I would lose it. You have no right to get involved. Your DH should have been involved in dealing with the school, not you.

You are not the parent and have for sure overstepped tremendously

This kid already has two parents

She does not need three, yes you are overstepping. I know that easy to do. But you must take two strp back and look at it from BM point of view. It's her Bio child. She is in control of that child's life. DH has something to say in the matter. Not you doing thinks that BM does not want to happen.

You are making thing worst for your family. BM will get mad and screw up your and DH relationship with his kid

I pick up where my partner

I pick up where my partner lacks

This is it right here. Where he lacks you can give him your input but at the end of the day he has to be the one to execute it. He has to show and have the passion that you have towards his child's well being. He needs to step it up so he' not lacking and YOU don't feel the need to have to step in.

I know you have good intentions and it's wonderful that SD has someone that genuinely cares for her the way you do but please know that your good intentions can and will cause more drama. Your BF needs to own his role and improve in whatever it is he's lacking.

I am a bio mom and a SM. My

I am a bio mom and a SM. My SD lives with us 90% of the time. And I agree that you way overstepped. My bios have a SM who oversteps alot. I actually don't make a scene about it because I try to remember that she does it because she cares. But, I do notice it. Your Bm isn't as understanding so you have to be careful. Since you care so much, I would reccomend that you put your effort into getting your SO more involved.

Even though, I am raising SD13 and do much more for her than BM, I let my DH handle all the school stuff. When dealing with a HCBM ( and our BM is extremely HC), you have to take a more background approach or you will always be fighting her.

You seem sweet and caring.

You seem sweet and caring. Your SD is lucky to have another person who cares. However, you have to protect yourself. You're dealing with people who don't have a full deck. I personally think that you overstepped but, of course the mother should not yell at you. Unfortunately though, life isn't fair and people don't always take the higher road and behave the right way. The more you get involved with matters like schooling the worse you make it for yourself and step daughter. The mother has made that clear. With that information now you can pull back. In your own house you can make general house rules, you can teach SD things such as how to bake cookies, take her to the park, cook dinner for her, take her to get her nails done etc. Those are ways for you to continue a relationship with her. I just wouldn't get involved in parenting her. Give all your parenting energy to your son. That's who you're responsible for :).

Also the Dad dating SD's Grandma ...yikes sounds like an episode of Gossip Girl.

Take a step back and accept

Take a step back and accept that even though you feel better suited to be SD's mother you are not. Sometimes as an outsider it's easier to see where a parent is failing their child, but it doesn't mean you should be the one there bailing that parent out.

Much like children learn and grow, parent's learn and grow. Don't stunt your DH's growth as a father because he's not doing it your way. Encourage him, be there for him and in the end let him make the decisions for his child.

It varies from teacher to

It varies from teacher to teacher.

Kids who habitually "forget" materials for class don't get extra copies.

If a parent decided to try to step into my classroom procedures to tell me I'm giving "too much" work, yeah. Zeros. Across the board, for anything missed. Unless your kid has an IEP, they have to keep up with curriculum. I'm not going fast or giving practice for the fun of it. The parent can pay for summer school.

I teach bigger kids, though.

I agree with you. We do this

I agree with you. We do this side of the family. We see all sides...teacher's and I'm a preschool teacher but from this bunch- maybe I'm not really a teacher haha but I get that...and the child and the parents. In child's defense..all her teachers up to this point have been so relaxed so I am happy for a Tate of the real world...so she is behind..I think it's a valuable lessen to child child that you have to learn to deal with it. Can't always get bailed out. Learn the tools to manage it. Not everyone is rainbow and butterflies.

I mean this in the nicest way

I mean this in the nicest way..........why are you saying "but from this bunch - maybe I am not really a teacher"? Do you have a certified teaching certificate? That would make you a teacher just as a marriage certificiate would make you the kids step mom.

As BM, I'd be even more pissed if my ex H"s girlfriend was sending stuff to my kids school. I realize that it's just a piece of paper but it does make a significant difference.

I think we are all just trying to warn you since you aren't married yet and things will get worse.

If you have at least bachelor

If you have at least bachelor degree and are state certified, then you are a teacher. Not sure who on here says that you aren’t. I do have a question though, if you are a teacher why aren’t you at school in the morning. Why are you at home with boyfriend’s kids instead of being at work? Does your pre school starts later than kid’s school?

t was the right thing to do

t was the right thing to do to give her a note because she was worried about getting into trouble for not having the work. To save any issues though, let dad be the one to sign stuff like that in future, even if it's your idea. That way, BM can yell at him not you.

Thank you

Thank you for acknowledging that and lending some support. Sometimes we just need a friend or anyone to say you're not alone. just know that your comment made my day better. This job is not easy and there isn't a manual

Sounds to me that DH has no

Sounds to me that DH has no balls. Why didn't he sign the note?

He also needs to man up and not blame the kid for being in a meat grinder between mommy, daddy, SM, SpermGrandpa & WombGrandma.

This kid is screwed with all of these immature adults in her life.

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