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Gaping parent-shaped hole, but I don’t want to fill it

CloudCuckooLand's picture

Submitted by CloudCuckooLand on Wed, 10/30/2019 - 6:54pm

SD and SS live with BM full time and we have them on holidays. However, there is not a secure, plugged in, emotionally present connection between BM and skids or DH and skids. I can feel SD in particular looking to me to fill that mommy-shaped hole but I just can't. I don't want to try and fill a hole that can never be filled because I'm not the originator/root of that hole. Life is hard enough as it is and I'm certain I would get swallowed up by the 'first family' dysfunction if I'm not careful. DH would not step up to his parenting duties if I stepped in, even a little bit. 

So, I set this super hard boundary. It's a shame, if BM and DH were better parents and met the skids emotional needs, I could play a role. But they don't, so I can't.

anyone else feel overwhelmed by the legitimate but misplaced needs of your skids?

Comments

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Wed, 10/30/2019 - 8:28pm

DO NOT try to fill that hole. It will backfire in countless ways and you will regret it. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 6:56am

Don't do it, you are wise. Just be the "friendly aunt" type of person to her, that's all you can be.  It's BM's job to be her mother, not yours.

I personally couldn't stay with a man who neglected his kids' emotional needs, though.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 8:04am

I felt that way about my SD, at first. DH was great with her, but BM was lacking.

I figured out early on (thank God), that I should not be the one to fill that motherly role.

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 9:17am

Follow your gut and DO NOT even attempt to fill that void/hole. I am glad you have awareness to know that your H would not step up to his parenting duties if you stepped in. It's not a burden you should take on if the step kids parents are not effectively doing their part.