Too harsh on compulsive liar?
SD9 (about a month away from 10 years old) is CONSTANTLY lying. Constantly. This is something we've dealt with since SD and my SO moved in over 2 years ago. This same time last year she was compulsively lying about everything so we didn't allow her to celebrate Halloween, she didn't get to have a birthday party, and she barely got anything for Christmas. Here we are a year later and she's lying again. Over the SMALLEST things. Her face has been breaking out so I went out of my way to get her some nice face scrub and told her to wash her face every morning. She did it two mornings. Ever since then she hasn't touched the bottle(I know because I do my hair in her bathroom every morning and the bottle is collecting dust). However, every once in a while I'll ask her "have you been washing your face?" And she'll say yes. Even though her face is covered in blackheads and pimples. This has been going on for over a month. It goes from something so small as lying about washing her face to lying about getting in trouble in school. SO and I have to constantly watch her like a toddler at times to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to be doing. I don't want to feel like a prison guard constantly observing and watching over her every move to make sure she's doing what's she's doing. Like she's 3 years olds. Now we are on the same road as last year. SO and I have decided she will not be celebrating Halloween and have already decided no birthday party again. Are we being too harsh? I don't think we are. We've given her chance after chance and she constantly lies. Add that on top of a horrible attitude lately and getting in trouble in school.
I'd suggest you turn it
I'd suggest you turn it around - make her earn Halloween and a birthday party with whatever behavior you are looking for.
Once you start taking holidays away, she has nothing to lose. If she doesn't comply, next comes Christmas, and then what? Next thing you know, you've taken away every holiday for the next 5 years.
You'd get further by having her earn privileges and earn back Halloween and her b-day party.
I agree and I am not a softie
I agree and I am not a softie, especially when it comes to lying, but I think taking away holidays and birthdays is too much. Also, you tried that and it didn't help; do not keep doing what isn't working.
But do call her out on the lying... Why watch the face scrub for 1 month+ knowing she is lying when you ask? Call her out. Let her know she is not as smart as she thinks.
I do constantly call her out.
I do constantly call her out. But I also feel like at times I'm being "evil stepmom" constantly pointing out wrong behavior. I am constantly pointing out bigger things.
Does her dad call her out too
Does her dad call her out too, or is it left up to you?
We do that. Tell her she has
We do that. Tell her she has to earn those things. It's like it doesn't phase her at times. She continues her behavior. We haven't told her anything yet about not having Halloween because we've been telling her she needs to earn all the things coming up.
I am confused
You and DH have decided that she does not get Halloween, but you are tlling her she needs to earn it?
I should've been more clear.
I should've been more clear. We told her at the end of summer before school started that big things like celebrating Halloween (new costume of choice, festivals, trick/trunk or treats) and a big birthday party needed to EARNED and that her behavior needed to change. We haven't told her she lost the privilege of those things yet because who knows she could wake up tomorrow as an angel. Just as of now we have decided that her negative behavior has outweighed the positive behavior. Also yes my SO does call out SD. However, SO is not as aware when SD is lying like I am.
My SD lies constantly as well
My SD lies constantly as well... I’m disengaged, and I try not to start conversations with her for that reason. She also comes up with these big make-believe stories about what happens at her mom’s house, some are too good to be true, some her mom & family are evil villains, just really crazy, and I really, really don’t like hearing it. DH just automatically believes whatever she says, which is troubling. I’m not sure taking Halloween away would be helpful, but maybe a good therapist would be.
Seriously???
Seriously???
She's 9 and you're taking holidays away from her?
I'm not one for being a pushover or letting my kids rule the house, but there is DEFINITELY better, more constructive ways of parenting than taking away holidays from a child for doing what children do.
They are learning right from wrong, they are testing boundaries, they are CHILDREN.
Stop giving over-the-top consequences for small behaviour and I bet you will see a world of difference. Use natural consequences to guide you.
She's lying about washing her face? Fine... Natural consequence is you're not trusted to do what you're told so somebody must accompany you to the bathroom each morning to watch you wash your face. She's lying about getting in trouble at school? Go to the school, have the teacher/principal in front of her, and have her tell you what happened - watch the truth come out - natural conseqence.
See what I'm getting at?
Dad needs to take the time to parent rather than both of you trying to, what, make the kid miserable and isolated enough to behave???
Excellent post!
Excellent post!
Side note: Good to see you sunshinex! I was getting worried about you as I haven't seen you in a hot minute!
We moved across the country
We moved across the country and bought a house. I also left my full-time job and started a business. Things have been kind of crazy around here! lol
I completely understand your
I completely understand your reply. However, compulsive lying in our household is not a "small behavior". It is a choice. And it is a major offense. Especially when we have tried many methods to stop it. I used to do what you mentioned. Example. SD has to read one hour every week night for school. We used to allow her to go to her room and read. Until she was caught on multiple occasions, not reading. So we explained to her that she can't be trusted and could only read in front of us. This went on for months and months. Explained to SD that we were giving her another chance and she could read in her room. She did right for about 3 days then I caught her a few more times playing and sneaking around. I can hear every moment in her room and she would be moving around, going through drawers, etc and when I would ask her did she read and not mess around her answer would always be yes. That's only an example but there have been many things that have went that same way. I feel as though since she is about to be 10 years old SO and I shouldn't have to hover around her like a toddler. But at this point maybe that's what it will take. What would you consider as a consequence that's not "over the top" for the continued lying?
Lying in my parents home was
Lying in my parents home was a spanking offense when we were growing. We learned in a hurry to weigh lies against a stinging ass. It was spanking offense no matter the gravity of the lie. If kids will lie about stupid little shit they will lie about the big stuff.
Light her ass up over the face washing and she will nearn the gravity of lying.
Or better yet, do what sunshineX said above.
What you are doing isn't working
What you are doing isn't working, so it makes no sense to keep doing the same things. I think taking away holidays and birthdays is not a natural consequence for lying. She keeps lying because on some level it is working for her - it is fulfilling some need. Have you asked her why she lies?
I agree with Sunshine, make the punishment fit the crime. Ane the punishment needs to be immediate. It is only September and you have already decided she doesn't get Halloween, but you haven't told her yet? The kid probably figures she might as well keep lying since she is being punished months later for current behavior.
You also have to remember
You also have to remember holidays, in a kids head, are a given for everyone on earth. They are taught at school about each holiday and the other cultures ways of celebrating them. They're just part of life - and they're a part that everyone looks forward to. Taking away a holiday is the equivalent to your boss saying "i'm not giving you your next paycheque because i'm not thrilled with your behaviour" rather than working with you on improving your performance.
You've been waiting for it and you count on it. When it's taken away, what's the point of going back to work?? for the people who took away something you've been counting on??
Pay is earned. Holidays are a
Pay is earned. Holidays are a priveledge. Two very different things.
Counting on something and earning something are also two very different things.
While I do not agree that the punishment was appropriate, I appreciate that there were consequences for the lying behavior. Your recommended consequences made above are perfect.
To everyone saying taking
To everyone saying taking Halloween is the wrong consequence, what do you suggest? If SD continues to lie and misbehave (lying isn't our only problem lately it's just the biggest one) and still hasn't shown any positive behavior to earn privileges even though we give her plenty chances and try to help her through this, why would we reward her with a new costume and carnivals and things of that nature? So she should just be able to lie as much as she wants and still enjoy Halloween and a birthday party? I can't wrap my head around it.