Love this! ... wishing you a much more happier and peaceful life xo

Good advice Julee -from a fellow disengaged SM - I have been disengaged for over 16 yrs now and have never regretted it.  Disengagement is not all roses, there are hard aspects to it as well.  You sometimes feel lonely when your DH is out doing stuff with their offspring.  But I have/had no desire to take part in outings and trips where it was obvious my SDs didn't want me there.  I'd rather be doing my own thing. 

Good for you.   And ya know what.  It is going to drive them nuts.  That is the second best part after them no longer driving you nuts.

Lack of acceptance.

Humans are fundamentally hard-wired to be "accepted" into a clan.  Being ostracized is one of the most psychologically damaging things that can happen to a person.  This has been proven in many scientific studies.  Imagine spending a whole day in a room with 10 strangers and not one of them will look at your or acknowledge your existence - which is what some of the studies did.  Even if one person in the group stepped up and tried to be friendly, the others would yank them back into line so they could continue with the wholesale ostracization. At the end, the ostracized person identified being stressed, hurt, anxious, angry, etc.   That was after an 8-hour experiment.  

Now imagine having it happen for YEARS at a time!   Not to mention that the person who professes to love and honor you (spouse/significant other) will often let themselves be yanked back in line by adult offspring, rather than come to your defense. 

What makes it doubly-difficult is our spouse/significant other is part of that clan, yet is often treated as the mongrel, low-rung member by his own offspring - which we observe. While he may try to make overtures for the group to include us, when that fails he is more than willing to grovel and even be snapped at to remain included in that clan.  All we can do is stand outside and ignore it, lest we rush in and get ripped to bits ourselves.  

We do not need to be desperate for acceptance, like our spouses are.  We can disengage.  We know we will find acceptance in our own clans where we are welcome.  In order to survive, we have to keep ourselves psychologically safe.  We can't allow ourselves to be in situations where we know we will be ostracized.    

That's still not to say that it is easy.  I find the imbalance the hardest part.  My SO is welcome in all aspects of my clan (family, friends) yet I am not welcome in his.  I must admit I am jealous and hurt when I hear of others who have better relationships with adult skids because I know that will never happen for me.  For example, my SO has a female coworker who is a "stepmother" and she is a regular visitor to SD's home in another state whenever the dad visits. She comes back to the office and tells my SO stories about what they did, what's going on in her SD's life, etc.  She was also welcomed up during the SD's pregnancy and subsequent birth of her child.  I wonder if any of that even sinks in to my SO - and does he make any comparisons to how his daughter has treated me?

To be honest, there have been times I've subtly kept my SO out of the loop on some of my family issues, simply our of resentment.  It's not right, but I feel a bit vindicated.   I figure it helps tip the scales a bit, for me anyway. 

Life is not always balanced nor is it fair.  And that goes both ways.  

I agree, there is peace is staying away from the pointed family drama. I did not understand what was happening at the time but I am so happy I do now, finally.

I know I would never allow my child (or anybody else for that matter); to treat my spouse with utter disrespect with the goal of complete exclusion.  I guess that is why I can never understand this kind of "love."  But, it clearly does exist and I have accepted it.

The thought of ever being around them again makes me sick. I would rather be in a rattle snack pit.

I am not quite at the stage of disengaging from adult step children - but I have a couple questions because I really have a feeling it will happen in the future -

What happens at functions with your bio children?  I feel I would want to do things with my children at any age, but not sure how involved or not involved they will be with their half siblings (at this point they have little interest and are far apart in age, so I am not sure how the future will even play out with them being "close" or not, and sometimes I hope they aren't close - because my step kids and I aren't close; I know that makes me sound horrible but we all have real, raw emotions sometimes!)

 For example, if your adult bio children had a party at their house (holiday, birthday, whatever) and invited you, of course, but also invited their half or step siblings, did you still attend? 

For those who have both adult steps and bios, how close are they? 

I disengaged about a year ago. Usual stuff......DH thought the issues with his children were my fault.  When if fact, the fault lay with DH who actually created this situation.  He didn’t confront his children’s behaviour, preferring instead to direct his ‘admonishments’ at me, then when I’d had enough, he held onto resentment instead of acknowledging his part in the problem and actually doing something about it. 

By disenging and letting go of wanting to rescue DH from his own choices, he's now beginning to realise that his kids been raised on pedestals and are weaponised by the BM. They've never been confronted or corrected, so they don't know how to cope with being called out on their poor behaviour. They don't have the tools to fix their messes and that's their parents fault not mine. 

IMHO there is a hierarchy in any given household and the married adults need to be united at the top of that hierarchy. When one partner is always pushed out of the way or expected to be put second to the kids, that is ruined. By disengaing and refusing to be second best to the skids I finally feel the natural order has been restored.