Honestly, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is "acceptable" - because in the end it only matters how YOU feel about this. If you need stronger boundaries to feel secure and comfortable in a relationship, then that is what you need! This difference in opinion, along with the "completely different parenting styles" are going to cause major problems in your relationship. Until you can find some middle ground (if even possible), I would hold off on the wedding!

For the record, I would not be ok with this behavior. 

No, it's not normal. Amicable doesn't mean discussing your personal life and using your ex's Amazon Prime account, it means being civil and pleasant to each other.

Both the issues with the ex AND the parenting style difference will become much bigger problems when you live together full-time.

Please don't marry this guy.

If you have an issue with the way they interact, speak up.  He will either hear you and change, or not.  At that point you have to decidevif you can continue in the relationship or not.

Notyourmomma is right, he’s enmeshed with her. 

They are only divorced on paper but emotionally a lot of the ties are there. He has serious boundary issues and if he knows about her relationships, then it’s likely she knows the details of his. 

I would not want to be with someone like that. 

1 they are enmeshed with each other to an unhealthy degree for the welfare of any future relationship of either of them

2 don't marry this guy, at least not yet, and don't give up your home 

3 come clean about reading his texts, say it was because you were so suspicious of his relationship with his ex, apologise, and say this is the major stumbling block to your relationship with him.  See what he says.  Don't ever read his texts again.  It is flagrant abuse of privacy.  

Exes should have a cordial, amicable relationship for the sake of the kids. However this should be more like a friendly business like relationship rather than a emeshed friendship. They should not be discussing one anothers personal lives, sharing amazon, netflix accounts, hanging out in one another's homes, etc. That ship has sailed and in order for the kids not to feel confused and for the intimacy of new relationship to be protected there needs to be this thing called boundaries. No coming into the home, no discussing personal lives or things other than the kids, no calling/texting one another unless it involves the kids and scheduling. I find if the kids are old enough it is best to have them call the ex instead of the ex always calling you, if it is just to speak to them. I do not blame you for snooping thru the phone. It is not as if you are doing it regularly to keep track  of someone and control them. You suspected something and you looked. You found something. Not a big deal however the fact that you had to look at their phone suggests something is off to begin with. (it is). They are emeshed and lack boundaries. It sounds like the ex has not moved on. Until they get some boundaries there will be no room for you, or any other healthy relationship. The moment he got into a relationship with you was when he should have stopped having conversations with the ex about things not involving their kids, stopped allowing ex to hang out in the house, stopped sharing amazon, netflix accounts, etc. however I can tell you unless he wants to change and sees a problem with this nothing will change. It is the same with people who cannot parent their kids and their kids act entitled and poorly behaved. If they do not see the problem with it nothing is likely to change. People like this will go thru relationship after relationship wondering what went wrong never acknowledging the problem. In this case the fact that their emeshment with their ex is the problem that has prevented a new relationship from flourishing, time and time again. He needs to get some boundaries but it needs to come from him wanting that.

Do not marry this guy. Do not sell your home. His emeshment with his ex will jeopordize the intimacy any future relationship he has and will cause nothing but turmoil. He needs to be the one to change and set those boundaries. If he does not want to do it, move on. It is not a healthy situation to be in unless you are content with being a third wheel.

This bothers you, It would bother me.  It doesn’t matter, if it dose not bother someone else, they are not living your life.  You are living your life.  If it bothers you now, it will always bother you.  

You have to have that talk with your BF,  telling him this has to stop. Only discussion is by text or e mail, and it’s limited to kids.  Pick up time, there events, ect.  Nothing personal, nothing about the EX love life. 

You have to find out NOW how he is going to react,  Hopefully he does not realize what he doing and will stop. Or else you must make plans to leave before you invest more into this relationship.  Unless you want the EX running your life 

Unless you want the ex running your life I would leave. 

Please give us an idea of what YOU think you should say---OK?

You know your boyfriend better than we do.

And, how old are his kids?

Like fifth in his life.  1 is him, 2 is EX , 3 the kids, 4 the cat, 5 you.  Unless there’s more pets.   He not going to ever see it your way.  He never going to see anything your way if it interferes with him, the Ex, The Kidd.   All he wants is your money, so he can treat the EX the way she wants. 

This is not normal behavior or boundaries for an ex.  The face that he got defensive shows that he knows he is wrong he is just trying to deflect it back on you.  

While you can't change other people you can force him to see your point of view by standing your ground on this situation.  Ad much as you like or love him, he is not willing to put you first and that is where you should be if you are thinking of marriage.  

I would not put up with this and just the fact that you asked us really answers the question for you as to whether it is right or wrong.  It is wrong for you as you wouldn't be asking if it weren't and it doesn't matter what we think.  

It wouldn't be to me.  I was you, btw.  She would take selfies of herself and send them to him and he would save them to his phone.  I found a video diary of her in her bedroom that she shared with her man doing her hair that she sent to him and saved 

on the laptop I got him for Christmas.  She would still refer to herself as his wife when their kids were on my health insurance and we would be on a three way call with the insurance company. 

He cried like a baby when she got engaged.

And then we got engaged and the day before we were supposed to get married, he cried again.  SOBBED.  And said he couldn't marry me. 

Why are you letting him call all the shots?  Take back your power.  If it were me (and it was me so I know where I went wrong) I would break it off.      

He sees nothing wrong with how he and his ex interact, he's definsive about it, even. There's your answer, he likes things the way it is. The not telling her no to keep the peace, is not a valid excuse. Why does he not want to "keep the peace" with you? Keep YOU happy?

He really does just need someone who is okay with all of this because you will not change him, he doesn't want to change. This is exactly how he wants it to be, this is who he is.

Find somebody who will make YOU their priority. Someone who wants to make YOU happy. This guy ain't him.

There is nothing wrong with you looking at his text!!!  There should be absolutley NOTHING between an SO and an ex that is not an open book for you to see!!!  

Sandybeaches YOU are correct. There should not be anything between him and his ex that is private..

Harry--Oh harry you nailed it with "All he wants is your money, so he can treat the EX the way she wants".

OP When boyfriend said your not compatible...believe him. Its a win for you actually. You deserve better and he should just go back to his ex sooner than later. I believe he will.

I am sorry.

I am all for ex-spouses having a cordial relationship.  My DH had an amicable divorce from BM.  They are cooperative in raising the kids, meaning that they accommodate requested schedule changes if possible, they discuss and coordinate activities, they can go to a kid's event or a parent teacher conference together and be friendly.  The cordial relationship does not extend to being friends, discussing their personal lives, buying each other things, doing personal favors, etc. 

It wasn't always this way.  When I came into the picture the divorce was brand new and they still did things together with the kids, they celebrated holidays together, they texted and called each other about things other than the kids (mostly the kids, but not exclusively).  I do not think for a minute that they were sleeping together or anything like that, but they were too enmeshed for my liking.  I told DH that he was welcome to continue that relationship with BM, but then his relationship with me would be over.  I insisted on boundaries.  I was perfectly happy for them to be cordial and cooperative and I understand and accept that they will have a relationship until the kids are adults.  But they didn't need to have a relationship other than to raise their kids cooperatively.  It was my hill to die on.  I would have left if DH hadn't put up the boundaries, and he knew it.  If it was more important for him to keep the peace with BM than to make me happy, I would have been gone.  It wasn't a threat, it was just the way it was.  And since it was early on in our relationship, it wasn't difficult to bring it up and let him know how things needed to be, because I didn't have a lot invested in the relationship.  

You need to decide how much of a dealbreaker this is for you, and whether it's your hill to die on.  If it is, then I think you need to be direct.

I'm so, so sorry to read this, LonelyStepFiancee. You are a strong woman and you did the right thing. I admire your strength. You will be ok, and your instincts were right.

Whether or not it's ok to read someone's messsages isn't the issue. He wasn't being honest with you and there comes a point when you do what's needed in order to get to the truth and protect yourself. It sounds like it' s a good job you're out of that relationship now.

ended between the two of you, but it sounds like it is definitely for the best. In regards to your comment about looking at his phone, that is something that is different for everyone's relationship. My boyfriend and I have a total open phone policy, it has been that way for a while now. We follow a total transparency style relationship, but this does not work for everyone.

If he got this defensive and used the excuse of "for the kids" then it is all him trying to gaslight you because he knows what he is doing is wrong. You deserve way better! Find a man who prioritizes you, not acts as though he is still married to his ex.

relationship.

I know it is easier said than done when the heart is involved, however, you are not married YET.

You've already indicated your parenting style and his do not align. Friend, believe me, this will become a bigger problem as time goes on. There are endless posts here about similar situations, and the kids never launch, then dad is giving them money constantly, allowing them to live in the marital home, and on and on and on.

As for checking texts, I am not that type of person either. However, that being said, when you're a very intuitive person as I am, and you seem to be, then I will have to play detective to get THE TRUTH, as we know these men will not tell us the truth.

I've made it clear to DH that anything communicated electronically can be retrieved, so PLEASE STOP emailing SD, texting and calling her to talk about me. I WILL FIND IT, even if a court order is necessary. Momma used to say, "If you don't want the world to know never put it out there." 

The fact that he's selecting which texts to his ex that he will show you is very telling. Not to be a pessimist, but I'm willing to bet they are still sleeping together, and if this is not the case, they are still definitely very emotionally ENMESHED, which is even WORSE.

Please think this through. It's not looking or sounding good.

I'm sorry your ex-fiance did not choose you and the future instead of BM and the past.  Maybe BM wasn't quite in the past, or maybe he wasn't ready for a new relationship.  In any event, I suspect you dodged a bullet.  I hope you find a partner who will put you first and be upfront and honest.

No, these things are not normal. And ... no, they are not acceptable.