Need Advice on DH Not Liking "Disengagement"
Quick recap of my situation - I have 2 skids, SD11 and SS9, both of whom do not do what they are told (either because they "forgot" or it's not fun and they don't want to), both lie constantly, SS steals, neither of them have any respect for anyone and think they should get to do whatever they want all the time. Almost everything in our house is a battle with these 2 kids and after SD told me for the umpteeth time that she hates me and wishes I weren't around, I found this forum and learned about disengaging and have been semi successfully doing it for a few weeks now.
Well DH just told me that he doesn't know how him and I work if I don't want anything to do with his children (which btw, I never said, I just said I didn't want to be the one responsible for their every day stuff and he needed to step up more). He wants to talk about it tonight when he gets home. I'm just not sure how to have this conversation and get him to understand where I'm coming from.
Maybe I just need to re-explain where I'm at since he seemed to get the wrong impression and the kids haven't made it any better. They were all about not having to listen to me or deal with me, and only having to ask their dad for things. HE seems to be the only one having a hard time with it.
I don't want to be "mom" to these kids, and they don't want me to be mom. I have a lot of built up anger and resentment towards them for all of the stress they have caused over the years. They are old enough to take care of certain things for themselves, they aren't babies and don't need to be babied. I still make dinner every night, listen to their stories from school on occasion if they feel inclined to tell me. But I have put a lot more on their dad. I'm tired of being the one always in the position to tell them what they can and can't do, or what they need to do around the house, and them not listen to it. It frustrates me, especially when I have 2 children of my own (1 of them is with DH, the other is from a previous marriage) and neither of them have this behavior issue (granted one is only 4, but even she listens to what she's told to do).
Any thoughts or suggestions on how to have a calm conversation about this?
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Comments
Read this and see if any of
Read this and see if any of it resonates with you. If it does then get him to read it. Then have a discussion about why you are disengaging and what it looks like in your blended family.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging-male.html
That's a good one-I would
That's a good one-I would print it out and have with you (two copies) also send it to him if he reads his e-mails to have BEFORE the discussion tonight!
Thanks! Some of it definitely
Thanks! Some of it definitely resonates.
Their mother is no longer in the picture at all and hasn't been for several years, so that part of it doesn't quite work. But reading past that piece and focusing on the rest, it definitely has a lot of similarities. My husband has always been pretty good about backing me, until recently. Funny how that works actually. I disengaged and he lost what backbone he had and stopped following thru on anything, probably because I was actually the one who followed thru on whatever was said, even if it were him that said it. I feel that he put me into the position to be evil stepmom. I am the one home with them more often and made sure house rules were followed or discipline happened.
I will try to get him to read that, and then maybe have the conversation after.
But I have put a lot more on
But I have put a lot more on their dad.
Well, that's why he has a problm with it, now, isn't it? He doesn't want to be the one parenting them all of the time.
Disengagement doesn't have to be about not having anything to do with his kids, period, but you are not responsible for parenting them, especially when they do not respect you or your authority.
If he wanted you to be more hands on with his kids, he would teach them some damn respect.
If my SD had ever told me she hated me and didn't want me around, I wouldn't have done crap for or with her. But, she would have never dared to say something like that out loud, she knew better. She was taught to be respectful to all adults, period. If I told her to do something, she did it.
I have put up with a lot from
I have put up with a lot from these kids, and as frustrating as it may have been, I kept at it day after day, year after year. But at some point, enough is enough, and the blinding disrespect was too much for me. They don't want me around, that's fine. I won't be going anywhere but I don't have to do anything for them anymore.
My husband and I have had so many conversations over the years about not understanding why they behave the way they do, that when we were kids we never would have behaved the way they do. So he's not blind to it in any way.
But yes, I know that he has a problem with it because he actually has to do more now, but I don't know saying that to him will help LoL I have a lot I could say to explain why I have taken this route and why I think he is frustrated with it, but I don't want to have a argumentative conversation with him. It won't get us anywhere.
Doesn't really matter why he
Doesn't really matter why he is frustrated with it, so I agree there is no need to explain to him why he doesn't like it (you know why, and so does he).
What matters is why you are not willing to do for them, anymore, and that is because of their behavior, attitudes, and disrespect. Why should you keep beating your head against a wall?
He can either deal with your disengagement or do something about his kids' behavior (which he should be doing, anyway).
Yeah, that's what I always
Yeah, that's what I always think too - these men don't like disengagement because it means they have to step up and be the primary parent. They married someone thinking that person would take over as mother, and they could step back and be the nice dad who doesn't do much child care.
So - he's going to divorce you and find a woman who wants to be the mother to his feral kids? I doubt it.
It’s hard when they suddenly
It’s hard when they suddenly have to be the parent to their own child, they can no longer be the “good guy” or the fun dad. Suddenly they have to be the heavy and the one who has to enforce rules...gasp!
when I disengaged for good my DH had a melt down. He accused me of cheating, accused me of abandoning our family, all because I made him in charge of his Spawn. He hated it because suddenly he was the bad guy and he couldn’t make me the scape goat anymore.
The thought of this is just
The thought of this is just so pathetic (and hilarious, at the same time). A grown man having a melt down because he has to parent his own kid. The horror! Why'd you do it, advice.only2, why'd you do that to him?
advice.only2 - You say you
advice.only2 - You say you fully disengaged and DH flipped out. How did that turn out? Obviously it wasn't due to cheating or abandoning your family, so how did you get him to come back to reality and accept it? Or, did you?
Ashes I stood my ground was
Ashes I stood my ground was very rational while he ranted and he tried to force me to do things by putting me in situations. Like she needed a new bathing suit. So we were all at the store and I wandered off. DH made her walk and find me to ask me if the bathing suit she picked out was okay. I told her ask her father. She told me he sent her to ask me. I told her not my decision and walked out of the store. He tried a few other stunts but once he realized I wasn’t budging he allowed Spawn to go live with her maternal grandmother. So essentially he gave up. But now years later he admits he was a complete ass to me all those years and that his spawn should have been his responsibility and he never should have done what he did
If he tries "you want it your way"
Don't defend yourself.
I told my DH when he said that that I just want it his way. When he looked confused, I explained that I had been driving myself crazy trying to have it my way and now I'm not. It's his way. He didn't like what I was doing, he said the skids didn't like it (in my case my skids did not tell me they disliked me ever), so you win: I'm not doing it. It's all yours now to handle. You get to do it your way.
You could tell him that he and his daughter win, you are not going to force yourself in. He can handle her, she can interact with him. He doesn't have to worry about you as another parent. Everybody wins.
You'll get a lot of tries to goad you into fighting and to guilt you into going back to taking his responsibility.
Him: "You just don't like my kid(s)" You: "I do like your child but that has nothing to do with this conversation."
Him: "You think I'm a bad parent." You: "We are not discussing parenting styles."
Him: "Aren't you ever going to X again?" (do laundry, comb her hair, drive her around) You: No. (Don't open the door to saying maybe. Let a maybe happen but only when you volunteer and not as a negotiation in the conversation or he will try to bargain.)
Him: "What do you think is going to happen to us?" You: "I'm hoping that this means we stay together."
Just like you cannot make your SD do things, he cannot make you do things. He could step up and make her do stuff, or he can step up and do it himself. That's up to him.
My DH ---hated--- it when I stopped doing laundry for him and the skids. But he couldn't make me do it. So either they went without clean clothes, he had them do a better job with their hygiene so it wasn't a literal shit show, or he did it himself. To this day it's the last one.
I think I need to emphasize
I think I need to emphasize the part that this is supposed to help us stay together, because if I have to continue to do (almost) everything for these kids and be treated like crap in my own house and feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown or just fuming with rage every day for the rest of my life until they move out, I would rather them all leave now. CLEARLY I can't phrase it like that, but that is the biggest piece here. I cannot handle this anymore.
I didn't bring these kids into the world, but I tried to be there and help out in every possible way and step up when their bio mom stepped out, and I have gotten absolutely nothing but sh*t on almost daily for it. It isn't my role to play doormat or my responsibility to raise his children, especially if they don't even want me to. It doesn't mean I love him any less, it just means I need some sanity back and if that means letting go of any ideas of what I thought things should be like or whatever, then so be it. My relationship, or lack there of, with his children should not define his and my marriage. They will eventually leave and it will be him and I and it won't matter if they like me or hate me or follow the rules or not.
That entire last paragraph
That entire last paragraph you wrote...that is what you need to say.
Yes! Exactly that! Succinct
Yes! Exactly that! Succinct and to the point.
That you and your DH want to
That you and your DH want to have a calm discussion about this is a huge step in the right direction. You and he probably have different views of what disengaging looks like. He might be afraid that he will be surrounded by screaming children while you gleefully sashay out the door for a mani. As tempting as that sounds, I doubt that's your plan.
Be clear with him about what YOU need to be happy. To be told time and time again, even from a child, that you aren't wanted is not an ingredient in happiness. Carrying around rage and anger will destroy you from the inside out, including physical illness. Being disrespected time and time again is teaching them that it is OK to be disrespectful, and that is not a life lesson that you want them to carry forward into adulthood. Focus on the future, not blame for how you all got here. Lord knows you tried to make it work the way that you both "thought" it should. But it's clearly not working and something has to change. How are you and he going to have a successful partnership, while he parents his kids and gets them to successfully launch?
Do NOT let him suck you into an argument or guilt. You KNOW what you need to take care of yourself, and do not give that power away to anyone. You might be prepared to discuss the normal household routines (cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc.) and describe to him what your disengagement means for each of those things. (Example: I'll cook family meals but I won't be responsible for reminding the kids that it's their turn to do the dishes and I won't nag them to get it done. And I won't make an additional meal if one of the kids decides they don't like what I've made--they're old enough to make themselves a sandwich.)
Hope it goes smoothly. And that mani still sounds awfully good.
Thank you, and yes it does!
Thank you, and yes it does! LoL
I have been writing things down, and printed some things out on disengaging, because I agree that he probably has no idea what it actually means or where I've even come up with this crazy notion.
I hope it goes well, but I'm worried he is stuck in his way of thinking that we are one big family no matter what. But it just isn't the case. At this point we just need to find some peace in the house before we all lose our minds and find some sort of common ground to go forward from here on.
He considers everyone to be
He considers everyone to be family. But his kids clearly do NOT and he doesn't push it with them - only you. How on earth are you supposed to consider somwonw family when they don't consider you family?
Set consequences for their
Set consequences for their behaviors and lying. And follow through. They don’t have to like you but they do need to respect you
UPDATE! Things went
UPDATE! Things went surprisingly well. He finally understood where I was coming from, for the most part.
At the end, he suggested I spend some time with them, go do things together, just me and them. And I'm sitting there thinking to myself "Did you actually hear anything I said?" At this point, the last thing I want to do is spend my free time taking his kids out and doing something with them. I told him they have caused so much stress and it's been going on for so long that I was pushed past my limit and the idea of spending more time with them is not on my mind, I'm struggling to even like them some days. He said he didn't mean right now, but maybe eventually. I just said ok. I am hoping as more time passes and this new way of doing things because more normal, he will realize the situation better and not expect me to put that sort of effort in. But for now, he isn't expecting me to be the "majority parent" and isn't upset with me for my feelings about it anymore. Overall, I'd say it was a success. :)
Thanks for everyone's tips!
I'm glad it went well...but
I'm glad it went well...but the part that he suggested you spend some time with them...UGH. I super super hope a couple weeks don't go by and he thinks that "everything is suddenly all better, there have been no problems!" and now you can take them shopping!