He wants us to be a family but I'm the only one trying
My bf and I have been together for over a year. I've been around since his daughter was 5 months old and have known him before she was born. I knew what I was getting into and I was okay with it. His mother was living with him in the start of our relationship, once she left I moved in. I took on the step mom role. I cared for her, loved her like she was my own daughter. His mother got her act together and wanted to come back to CA so she can be with us and watch her grandbaby grow up. I was fine with that. We talked and she was only supposed to stay a few months until she can get her own place. Well, a few months turned into the end of the year (moved back in February) and now it's for the next two years. He decided he wanted to go back to school. Great. But now there is stress in the house. My step daughter isn't mine anymore to care for. His mother took over the role. She tells me all the time "this isn't your daughter" "you have no say over her" "you're not her mother" I know I'm not her mother but I was given that role. Now I got it taken away from me and I accepted that. We got along for a while but now she treats me like trash. Comes home, angry at the world because she cant stand her job and takes it out on me and my bf, mostly me. Get mad because her grand daughters toys are around the house because my bf really cant pick up after himself and his daughter. Expects either his mom and I to do it. No. I'm not going to be treated like this, like I mean nothing, be put down and told I'm not her mother. So I look at it like, if you took that role away from me, her mess Is not my problem. I hate thinking that way but it's TRUE. I clean up after myself and my bird who lives in his cage in the front room and I help out with my bf. Hes not the cleanest, I do my best but he knows I'm not his maid. He gets mad at me because I stay in my room away from her negativity and harshness towards me. He tells me he wants us all to be a family and get along. I tried. I tried talking to her, hanging out with her, helping her but she just rolls her eyes at me, gives me the cold shoulder and attitide. I'm done with her. I feel unwelcomed in my own home. I feel like he chose his mother over me because he doesnt stick up for me. Just tells me to deal with it. So I left. But it's hard because I do live him, I do want a family with him. But not with his mother living and co working us. I'm stuck. I dont know what to do.
You were 100% correct to
You were 100% correct to leave. Do not go back. Move forward with your life.
Welcome to the site!
This does not sound like a step parenting problem, tbh, it sounds totally like a bf problem! Your bf behaved like a total tool in not telling his mother where to get off, and in allowing her to treat you like trash. IMO he should have asked her to leave, quite early on, but the fact that he didn't, and chose her over you - makes me think you dodged a bullet in leaving this twerp.
You are not stuck. Give the
You are not stuck. Give the guy what he wants, a life with his mommy, and you go and live the life that YOU want. You do not want to have a family with this dysfunctional mess, it will not get better.
You can find someone who wants the same thing in a relationship that you do. Someone who cares about your happiness.
She tells me all the time
She tells me all the time "this isn't your daughter" "you have no say over her" "you're not her mother" I know I'm not her mother but I was given that role. Now I got it taken away from me...
I'm sorry, hon, but she's right. Frankly, I wonder if your bf "gave" you that role because he needed someone to be the parent.
He has what he wants: his mommy. Let this little boy (he is NOT a man) play Happy Family with him kid and his Mommy. You can do SO much better. It hurts now, but in a few months? You'll look back and be so thankful you dodged that bullet.
The good news is that you are
The good news is that you are self supporting and can move on when you reach the end of your tolerance for this crap.
However, because you don't need this shit storm of a shallow and polluted gene pool you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking control, confronting the toxic, and making it perfectly clear to your SO that as their equity life partner that you are also an equity parent to any children in the mix regardless of kid biology.
If your BF has any character he will man up, be YOUR partner and put everyone in the situation in their place. Behind you and behind the relationship you share.
Tolerate nothing less and do whatever it takes to bring consequences to play for anyone who behaves inappropriately towards you. Regardless of who they are, how old they are, or what they may be to your SO. If he had dealt with it when she should have dealt with it you wouldn't have to be doing what he should have done from the beginning.
Your BF's asshole mother is no more your SD's mother than you are. She should have no more say in what goes on in your home than anyone else who should not be in YOUR home. So, time to let BF know that his mommy is out... .NOW! Or... she keeps her mouth shut, is given absolute clarity about her place as a GUEST and if your BF doesn't have the balls to deliver the message then you deliver the message. Clearly, directly, and unequivocally. Make sure to deliver this message to your BF's mother in front of your BF and give him clarity that you will never again be anything less than his equity life partner and that his continued benefit of your partnership is dependent on the quality of partner he is to you.
His mother is a guest in YOUR home. Period! Her presence there is at your convenience and she and your BF need clarity on this.
As for your SD... you are her mother. StepMother. The operative part of that position is the mother part. When she is in your home she is part of your family and you are THE mother in your home. Regardless of the biology of any children in the mix.
If your BF balks, cut he and his shallow and polluted gene pool lose and hope that his daughter can overcome the influence of the crap she inherits from her ball less father and toxic SpermGrandHag. Unlikely... but you can hope.
Good luck.
Do not sacrifice yourself to this toxic stew. BF steps up or he and his daughter lose you.
Thank you. I love your
Thank you. I love your response and agree 100%. We've had multiple talks. He has had talks with her. She just doesnt get it. Doesnt want to budge. He wont make her leave because she has no where to go, except going back to Mass.(that's where they are from). I understand thats his mother and he wont just kick her out on the street. I wouldnt want that to happen but at the same time doesnt push her into getting her own place or figuring it out. BF and I talked today and I asked him "does it not upset you that your mother is the was she is towards me?" Says he is but that's just how his mom is. He knows shes a b****. That's his own words... I'm glad I'm getting out of this negative house with her. What I'm not happy about is leaving my BF. We tell eachother we're gonna try to work things out even though I'm not living there but we'll see how it goes...
IMHO you have never actually
IMHO you have never actually been with your BF. He lives with his mother (that it is his home is irrelevant). He has never actually made a place for you as a priority in his life. His child and his mother come first and no doubt any number of other things come before you as well.
What about this guy makes him worth subjugating yourself to his toxic baggage and gene pool? Past behavior being the best predictor of future performance weighs heavily in the direction that this won't ever change.
Take care of you.
You both are lying to
You both are lying to yourselves if you think things will work out between you both with a mother who has no sense of boundaries or respect. Your BF is just as bad by making excuses for her “she’s a b!tch, that’s just the way she is”. She may be that way but he allows it and now that he’s going to school his mother will be the major influence over his daughter…..imagine that another mini Grandmother who will also dictate and run his life…..and you want to work things out and be around that???? Save yourself and leave that mess alone!