I have no tattoos & neither do my kids. My oldest skid has one and it bothered me because she chooses tattoos over paying for school, car repairs etc and then DH has to bail her out. I wouldn't worry about it. There are way worse things a kid can do. I dont want to down play your feelings. You obviously feel strongly but it's a tat and they are very common. It's not something worth damaging your relationship with SD or DH.

It sucks I’m sorry.  I had a similar situation but thankfully I disengaged and ended up hurt a lot less over time.

as for the tattoo, let it go and don’t make yourself sick over it.  My mother made sure to let me know how stupid I was every time I got a tattoo, how ugly they were and how I multilated my body.  All her negative speak did was make me want to spend less and less time with her.  Ignore it and move on.

BM sounds demented but no matter how rubbish she is and has been to the girls, she is still their mother. Sorry for you that you found out the hard way. It is her body so in my opinion she can get a tattoo of whatever she wants. The 'love you more' message is like a dagger in the heart to you I am sure. 

Turn off the financial taps on them NOW!

I do think you did too much. I get it though. There is always pressure to treat them like your own and society’s expectations, which can become unhealthy. 

While I think there is a way to parent your sd, she is going going to crave BMs attention until she figures it out for herself. I do think making a big deal will just cause issues. 

I think the best thing is to distance yourself on the situation and tell those who need to know to respect you and not talk about the tattoo. 18 is young to get a tattoo but she will have to learn that lesson herself. While you have obviously provided a lot for her, she needs to experience life herself and be accountable for herself. If she needs help, she will come to you. 

I am so sorry. As someone who has recently faced the realization that I have not only allowed myself to be used for my money and taken advantage of by my oldest SS25, but by his wife, SDIL, and 2 SGDs, I can relate. I've been a SM for 20 years (SSs were 3 and 5 when I married DH), so I'm not new to this. But my SS25 was estranged from about age 12 to 18. When he started coming back around, I wanted to do anything for him and SDIL to love me and my DH, by doing whatever I could for them, including taking them on expensive vacations and otherwise spending huge amounts of money on them for Christmases, Birthdays, including extravagant birthday parties for the SGDs.  I knew the BM in our case was and would always be the favored parent, but I really thought I had a chance of being loved as well. Now I've come to accept they really don't care about me and just use me for what I can buy them. I'm now cutting off the checkbook.

Fortunately, I have my own 2 DSs with my DH, whom I love with all my heart and who give me pride and joy, and that gives me great satisfaction. They also give my DH pride and joy, and he is happy to have them in the midst of realizing he's nothing but money to both  SSs 25 and 23. It sounds like your DH has been complicit in allowing you to be taken advantage of, so he bears part of the blame. However, in the end, I've learned that blood is simply thicker than water. No matter how much a POS the BM in your case is, she is and will always be, her one and only BM, and, as much as it hurts, you are not. Like my SS and his family treat me, you're just someone they're happy to take from, but you're not "real" family. All you can do is resolve to insulate your heart and not put yourself out there. From now on, treat her like you would a neighbor's child or perhaps a niece that you're not that close to. Be polite but don't go out of your way. Don't expect anything in return, and for heaven's sake, don't expect respect or to be treated like someone whose opinion matters.

And if you want your own children, by all means, explore that ASAP. I can tell you, there's nothing like having your own children. While I'm sad to be distancing myself from SS25's children (SGKs), I know that someday I'll likely have my OWN REAL GKs from MY bios, and they will be my flesh and blood and mean the world to me. So I, too, agree that blood is thicker than water. Best of luck to you!

My advice would be to slowly back off the amount of stuff you are doing. 

I've never had any desire to be a mother to SD or do much for her, so I cant give you advice on the emotional part, but I can imagine that it must feel awful.

I can't think of a tattoo that would be more hurtful to you than that one.  Back off.  Cut off the money.  Stop doing for her - she's an adult now anyway.  Protect your heart.

I'd be furious with DH. He knew and didn't give you a warning this was coming.

SD is almost 18, and you've been dependable mom, but in the end you are not bio mom. Kids have this inate need to please the absent parent. As long as BM is paying for this there isn't much you can do. (No money gift for birthday from you.)

DH is right. She will regret it someday. And, he is also right that realistically there is nothing you can do to prevent it.  All you can do is sing the Frozen 'Let It Go' song. Or say the Serenity Prayer. 

What you've done in the past is done. Don't try to undo it. But, the future is another matter. Do only what gives you joy. They get what DH can afford unless it gives you joy to do it.

Understand that a child doing something upon reaching 18 that the parent doesn't approve of is not limited to step families. It occurs in intact families also. I have friends whose newly turned 18 child showed up with a tattoo the parents did not approve. Once they got over their surprise and anger, they were just grateful that it could be covered with clothing for employment.

I notice that child-parent relationships have an interesting similarity to dating relationships: the more difficult and unavailable the parent is, the more the child will chase that parent for his or her affection. They will still resent the parent deep-down, but any opening the parent gives them to bond, the child will jump at the opportunity. I've noticed it in my own family with my cousin's wife, who was raised by an absolute lunatic of a mother, who cares only about herself, yet her daughter ( now in her mid-20s) still deludes herself into thinking she can get her mother to love her the way she wants. That's what your SD is doing with this tattoo: trying to force a bond deep-down she knows isn't there. If I were you, I would back off to protect yourself. She may see things differently many years from now or she may not. Regardless, you shouldn't view this attempt to bond with her mom as any reflection on your efforts, which were above and beyond what most would do.

She didn't ask you to get one, and she didn't convince your DH to get one with her.

Turning 18... getting ready for college I suppose. 

Perhaps "love you more" will be helping to foot the bill for that, right? 

"Mom" wouldn't and dad couldn't so many times before... really hoping you don't swoop in and save with your cash again! 

Its her choice to accept or later regret... you shouldn’t be getting nauseated and drilling the family at dinner about this tattoo. You don’t like it or are against tattoos- fine but this shouldn’t even be something you continuously brought up during the family dinner like it was of grave importance compared to enjoying your meal. 

Sure if bio mum is controlling and coaxed her into it but its her choice to do it... 

i wouldn’t give a flying shit about what my skids want to do with their lives unless it affects me or my minor kids directly as in disrespect or abuse etc

There seem to be a few different things at play here. Breaking it down might help you to accept the situation for what it is.

As stepmoms we are convienent substitutes at best. We try to build good relationships with these kids but even when we are successful we are still not their mothers. These want and deserve relationships with their mothers, even if their mothers are not up to our own standards. Your SD loves her mother and you being a better parent than BM will not make SD love you more than her BM. That does not mean that your SD does not love you, but you are her step mother, it is a different role to her mother and that is ok. You do not need to compete with her mother for her love and affection, you have your own, separate relationship with your SD. It is very easy to compare ourselves to BMs and imagine that we are filling their shoes, when in fact what we are doing is supporting our husbands. 

Your SD is about to turn 18 and that means she will be able to make adult decisions for herself. We all know though that we were still making silly mistakes and bad decisions for years after we turned 18 because people are still learning and developing their brains at that age. It is hard as a parent to let a child spread their wings and watch them make choices we think will harm them or that they will come to regret. Stepping back and letting kids make thier own choices with minimal guidence given only when asked for advice is a difficult transition to make. Showing a child that you support them, love them, accept them and trust them to do what they feel is best for themselves is how to continue to nurture them as they deal with the difficult decisions and situations that adulthood will throw at them. It will also keep open the lines of comunication and help develop a relationship with the adult emerging before you, rather than continuing to hold onto the notion that this is a chid that you know what is best for. 

Tattoos are not your thing. That is ok, no-one is going to force one on you. But you do need to look at this more rationally. Your SD has control over her body. Tattoos are a lot more common now and acceptable than in the past. At absolute worst if your SD does regret her decision in a few years time she can get it removed or covered up with a different design.

If you choose to disengage that is completely up to you, but really look at the reasons why you are choosing to change how your behavior now and what is driving your anger and hurt. Your SD has not been rude, has not disrespected you, has not taken advantage of you...she is simply choosing to express her love for her mother through a bonding experience that to them celebrates their love and your SDs new adulthood. It may not be something that you are comfortable with, but it is not illegal and it does not diminish your relationship with your SD. 

Asides from doing this with her mom, I’m not sure what getting a tattoo has to do with you. She’s 18, and it’s her body. My mum hates tattoos as well, literally despises them, and all 4 of her kids have a tattoo each. We all got them as adults, and we didn’t let our mums opinion influence what we did with our bodies. Was she disappointed at first? Sure, but she got over it. 

You can stop doing all those things for your SD if you want to, but honestly if you’ve got a good relationship with her I think that would be really foolish. Why pull away because she’s doing something you don’t necessarily approve of? Unless it’s on her face or she’s getting a penis drawn on her forearm or something, a tattoo isn’t going to define her or ruin her life. This is YOUR issue, and you need to back off. 

They could have told you, I agree, but if they knew how you felt about it it might have just been easier not to say anything to avoid you trying to influence her decision. I don’t think that’s necessarily a slight, I did the same thing with my mum & I love my mum dearly. I just didn’t want or need her judgement when I’d made up my mind that I was getting a tattoo.

Just because one parent "won" in court doesn't mean the other parent is cancelled out and unimportant.  You ran them around because they lived in your home and a judge decided that your husband got the majority of custody but their mother is still their mother. "Love you more" is probablly something they say to each other and an inside joke that has nothing to do with you.  Your DH is right that you need to let it go.  If anyone should be upset it should be DH since he's the bio parent, not you.  

You are a step-parent.  You mean nothing to this child.  Blood trumps all.  The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will be happy.   All those things you did for her are meaningless. 

I think you need to take a logical look at some of this and put your emotions aside.

There are several things listed that BM did wrong. There are also several things listed that many parents do when they can't co-parent with their ex. Sounds like even livint far away, BM made sure to get the kids to school. She didn't want to share clothes, which is a tactic we recommend frequently for high-conflict parenting situations. Not buying/providing a car to a teenager is a parenting discretion, and it's not required to buy a car or offer a car to a teen. Same goes with extracurriculars - she's not obligated to pay for something she didn't agree to.

I'm not saying BM is faultless, but it does seem like you swooped in and decided to be Mother of the Year because you didn't think BM was doing enough. YOU have taken on parenting responsibilities and made decisions which is going to drive BM bonkers. Your interference escalated the situation, even if you think you were doing it for the right reasons.

The thing you have to realize is that your SD can love you AND love her mother. She is also her own person, and your personal dislike of tattoos doesn't have to transfer to her - and shouldn't if you all have been raising her to be an independent adult. "Love You More" doesn't sound like a slight against you; it sounds like an endearing phrase she shares with her BM. 

The tattoo has not one iota to do with you. My dad HATES tattoos, but I like them, as does my mother. She and I have gone together to get work done. That doesn't mean I love my father less. It just means my mom and I have a bond over that thing. My dad and I have a bond over building terrain for miniatures. Me going to one of his shows or making him a piece of terrain isn't a slap in the face of my mom; it's just "our thing".

If you told me SD and BM were doing heroin for dessert as an activity, I could see the hurt. If SD and BM started doing a thing together that you and SD did together, then I could see the hurt. But you CANNOT allow SD loving her mom and spending time with her, doing something they want to do, hurt you to the point that you're willing to throw away what sounds like a good relationship with SD.

If you want to be resentful of all the money you spent, point that at DH. He has allowed you to bleed yourself dry, and he was disrespectful in not giving you a heads up about the tattoo knowing that you wouldn't approve. ALL the stress and feelings of being used are on HIM, not SD. She is behaving like a teenager who loves her mother. That's it.

My stance on tattoos is the same as my parents was.

The moment you tattoo yourself, you are an adult with full financial power over your life. If you get a tattoo do not ask for help with college, do not ask me to pay your insurance or car payments, do not ask me to pay your cell phone, do not even bother. The answer is no.

Even after I got married at the ripe age of 18 and my parents told me that if I did that, no college paid for- I was still scared to get a tattoo for a few years. Then... I grew out of it. A small part of me wants one still, but just won't pull the trigger. Not because of the fear of needing my parents money, but because I realize now as a professional that it isn't something I will actually do to my body. My parents threats kept my tattoo at bay long enough for me to realize that there aren't actually something I want.

Keep in mind that I work in a construction office and every person I work with has tattoos. My industry doesn't have an issue with it but when DH and I get dressed up and go to balls, or dining outs or other parties where we are schmoozing with "uppers"- I see other younger wives with them on display and they just look trashy. It just does. I am glad I made my choice.

To each their own, and I won't judge anyone but my own children or myself but I will judge them HARD. 

She knows you don't care for tattoos and she wants one. BM is supporting that desire. This has little to do with BM controling the child or the child disrespecting you. I knew from an early age I wanted a tattoo and my mother's only rule was not till I was 18. I saw friends who's parents freaked out when they got theirs. My mother on the other hand while not fully supportive was not against it. I didn't feel judged or belittled. She gave advice that was important and in the end left it up to me. What was really cool was the same day I got my first tattoo my dad was getting one too. They weren't the same but it was pretty neat and a good bonding moment. My mom could claim I was insaulting her by doing this or realize as she did that I was going to do what I wanted and atleast keep me as safe as she could.

Sorry your hurting.

When someone shows you who they are believe them. 

Yes you have been used. You can’t do anything about the past - but please NEVER let yourself be used again. 

That's Mother Goethel from Tangled, a narcissit mother for sure and more of a fitting tattoo