Your husband should be teaching his daughter how to be respectful to others, especially adults.

She yelled at you for not saying hi to her mom? Hell, no.

Your husband blames you for not trying hard enough but it's okay for his daughter to completley ignore you and your daughter?

Seriously, what world does he live in?

He’s told you you’re not their mom yet still expects you to be maternal towards them? Right.. he seemed to be doing alright at first by removing BM from the calendar instead of you but it stopped there. He’s the problem, not you or your SD. He needs to both be a better father who teaches his kids respect, and a better partner to you. 

great he can start with being paternal and parental and actually parent his kid. 

Sd yelled at you for not acknowledging her mum because she needs you to remember you are down low in the pecking order after bio mum, sd, dad, other family then you. 

My sd’s ranted on and on about bio mum and stepdad and told me what they were gonna do to my toddlers against my specific rules on so called qualify family time. I have refused to attend for a year now because as long as they behave like disrespectful little shits, i do not waste my or my kids time

Does he expect you to be maternal because he acts paternal to your DD? Does he have his own self-imposed ideal as "bonus dad" with her? What's your relationship like with SS?

I get why parents get upset when their spouse disengages from their kid. It causes tension and hurts. But, that's when a parent needs to step in and figure out the situation for themselves. Did their spouse disengage because their kid is a royal a-hole, or was their spouse never engaged in the first place? Is the disengagement new or did it develop over time? Is it disengagement or outright exclusion? Did they and their spouse discuss what they each expected from one another when it came to kids and parenting, or was it just expected that everyone would just fill in their gender-driven roles in this hodge-lodged assembled "nuclear" family?

You can try changing the narrative. When he comes at you to be more maternal, turn that back into a discussion on family values and roles:

"DH, let's talk about what it means to be a blended family to us. I don't expect you to be a bonus dad to my daughter, and I don't expect to be a bonus mom to your kids. Each of our kids has two loving parents, and our presence as adults in their lives, to me, should show that a healthy relationship between adults can form even in stressful family circumstance like a remarriage. Our kids want us, their biological parent, to be their caregivers when in our care. SD wants YOU to take her dress shopping. She wants YOU to stick around and make lunch with her. She is here to spend time with YOU and form a strong PATERNAL bond with you like she has formed a MATERNAL bond with her mother. That paternal bond has to be formed over both activities you like AND she likes, not just the ones you are comfortable with. SD will be less combative if she knows coming to you means time with you and not you trying to force her into a maternal relationship with a woman who isn't her mother."

If that doesn't resonate, then go further:

"DH, I have no interest in putting both SD and I in situationd where we are awkward and uncomfortable. Forcing a relationship isn't going to make one form. Your daughter is her own person with her personality and her own wants out of relationships with other people. I am not one of her people, and that is fine. What I would prefer you focus on with her is helping her learn to be respectful to those around her that she doesn't like. Ignoring someone who she is spending time with as part of a larger group is disrespectful and rude, whether it's to me or another person. If you would be ashamed of her treating another person in the same manner, then please be ashamed when she behaves that way to the person you promised to love and cherish until death."

If he starts pointing out instances where you were disrespectful to his daughter, admit to them:

"You're right, DH. I could have handled that better. In the future, I will say hello to SD" or "DH, let's talk about where we differ on this being disrespectful".

If all else fails and there is no talking to DH about your expectations of stepparenthood, then there is the approach of agree to disagree. He can either learn to accept that these are your views and they are unlikely to change, or he can work with you on a compromise.

Please notice that I said "compromise". I don't ever think that a SP has to engage in parenting, but I do think they have a role in helping make their spouse's family feel comfortable, and vice versa. Even if you don't view the SKs are members of your own family, you have to recognize that they are members of your spouse's similar to your in-laws. Whatever level of engagement you have with the in-laws, including social pleasantries, should extend to SKs. The frequency of interaction between both groups is different, and the role of SK in your home is different (guest vs resident), but the same social cues should be displayed. Say hello, politely excuse yourself, request a time limit on usage of common areas for one-on-one conversations (i.e. DH and SKs shouldn't take over the living EOWE while you're stuck only being able to watch TV or read in your own room for 72 hours straight), and discuss who is cooking before folks arrive. 

Additionally, something I have always admired about my DH is the level of respect her expects from his kids to me. They can be little a-holes with him and he'll have talks with them and punish accordingly. One wrong word to me, though, and he rains hellfire and brimstone onto their little worlds. Respecting me trumps everything. Make sure you take a similar approach with your DD to your DH. You chose your DH, and he shouldn't have to deal with an unruly SK anymore than you should. Even if he won't reciprocate, it's good for your DD to know that relationships mean business to you, and she will be respectful of your personal decisions even if she doesn't like it.

Finally, if every conversation, compromise, and pleasantly fails, then resort to total disengagement and tell your DH why. If he isn't willing to meet halfway - and meeting halfway doesn't mean he does more for your DD and only keeps SS in line while SD acts like a mini-wife - then the consequences are that you remove that limb of his family tree from your life.

I know this advice doesn't fit with the typical mantra of this site, but I personally would rather find balance in my relationship versus going scorched earth. If I have to go scorched earth, I'd rather just leave. Nothing says I have to stay, and if my only option for peace is to disengage from my DH, too, because he won't put me first, then it's just over.

What a snot. Shes a jerk. OK, plain and simple. And your DH is allowing all this, but not correcting her and instead going on the attack with you. I see how this will eventually play out - you are excluded from everything, and are forced to form your own family unit with your bios, and this will lead to endless arguments over the years. Just no - you know her comments are super mean and rude, yet your partner in life doesnt acknowledge it. Is she his little favorite? Did she rule the roost until you came in? Its  a shame you moved so quickly, before selling and moving in with them. Also - it is HIGHLY reccomended that you sell both homes and get a "yours home", so that you can start fresh.

The most concerning isnt SD, and her crappy comments, but your DH's reaction to them. He gets MAD when she is rude, but wants you to be more maternal (ie kiss her not-so-sweet a$$). Translation, he wants you to be a doormat. My thoughts are "yeah, id rather hug a cactus...

I have 2 SD, the eldest was always rude to me, although in less direct ways that became more direct over time. Her father wouldnt really allow her to disrespect me directly. But she was snotty and VERY backstabbing and trash talked me behind my back. I disengaged early on, when she was about 16 ish.

My advice is to try some couples counseling if possible. Try communicating. Things like this will get WORSE not better, and especially since no one thinks what she is doing is at all wrong. The comments wont stop. I mean, you could have a HuGE reaction rather than be calm, but then your DH will lash out at YOU. You obviously want to keep things peaceful..

Who are you, The Cinderella?

"Yes when she yelled at me I talked very calmly to her....." 

..."and her dad watched me very carefully to make sure I was responding nicely to her."

what about not responding to her yelling, and instead turning to DH and hold him responsible for her actions.     "um.....your daughter yelled at me....?"

and if no response from DH,       "um...are you ok with that?"