Weddings Update - Mixed Feelings
SS and SDIL got married. At the rehearsal dinner we came in before SD and the bridal couple arrived. SD came in with her maternal cousins. Anyway, she ignored us. She sat with her cousins the whole night. She only said hi at the end to greet us goodbye. DH even said you haven't said hello all night and she said I know I got into talking with the cousins.
DH went to the get ready with SS at BM house because she wasn't going to be home. She came after the boys dressed; to do a surprise 'first look' of the groom. They also took some pictures. At the church I was given a flower. They had special flowers for the BMs and BDs. Then they had flowers for everyone else in the immediate family like GPS and aunts and uncles. I got the everyone else one. Hey at least I got one. DH and I processioned down the aisle together after the In Laws and sat in the 5th row. SS walked his mother down the aisle.
For pictures, the photographer was quite business like. The bride and groom picked pictures that they wanted to do. So his assistant called relatives into picture formations. There were no pictures of DH and I with the bride and groom alone or with our DKs. There were no pictures with our DKs and the bride and groom with SD. I and DKs was only included in pictures that had extended family. SD and DH got a picture with the couple and with SS alone. They did BMs with the couple alone and BDs with the couple too. And one with just the parents - not including myself.
At the reception we sat at a regular table as a family. SD who was not at the top table sat with her cousins at another table which was fine. However, she later came up to DH with her BF for him to meet. She even said that BF insisted on meeting DH, while she didn't think it was the time at the wedding. The BF introduced himself. He was very nice too, he talked to the DKs about school and so on. He is studying medicine. He raved about SS and his new wife. We spoke for about 10-15 minutes he even promised to come back around to introduce his parents. He never did come back around and introduce them. But I was hurt again that SD's BF parents got invited but not my parents.
SS gave a grooms speech and put BM on a pedestool. How much he admires her for all that she been through but she was always there for them. DH was an after thought - mentioned only when saying my parents. As for Grandfather, he gloated on him, going beyond as a GF. It made us look like we were around for the good times. Father of the bride as well talked about how amazing the BM and BM parents are and have been. Which was fine we didn't really get to know him and his wife so I wasn't expecting them to mention us.
DH is now beginning to see how much he truly doesn't mean to the SKs. Even our DKs too. They are relegated to an outer circle, a social must. Its like everytime DH think they are getting somewhere, SS in particular finds a way to tell him, you haven't reached the status. DD even said that its like SKs have a whole life that they do not want us to get to know or be included in and she is 17.
SS sent DH a text saying thanks for coming to the get ready, it was great to spend time together. The mixed messages are real. Isn't this bizarre and confusing?
They give your dh just enough
They give your dh just enough to keep him on the hook.
"They give your dh just enough to keep him on the hook. "
OMG so true!!!! and this seems to be a Step-child MO .... it happens here ALL the time!! and they think my husband is dumb and doesn't get it but I am starting to see he does.
Sad
Sad
What it seems to me, is that
What it seems to me, is that BM is the bitter mother who has never let go of the fact that DH had an affair. She expects the kids to support that anger and "take her side"; but at the same time, she wants to appear to be other than the bitter ex-wife, so she encourages the kids to invite you and DH to the wedding, but not to make you two as special as she is.
This has probably been a life-long thing for the skids - Mom's feelings must always come first, she is the victim, and we need to make sure she knows we love her the best. They have been well-trained to not show too much love or caring for DH, and at this point, they probably don't feel too much for him either, thanks to a lifetime of hearing how he victimized and hurt BM.
I'm not one of those people who think that having an affair means BM gets to punish DH forever and he should expect the kids to hate him because of it. A healthy woman would have long since let go of anger at DH for an affair and would want her kids to have a positive relationship with their father even if she did feel betrayed by him.
That being said, this is what it appears is happening. It might be wise for you to just let go and stop expecting more, and stop feeling hurt by not getting what think you deserve from these skids.
Truthfully, they owe you nothing. Bio kids owe their parents nothing, really.
SS especially is like bubble
SS especially is like bubble wrap around BM. She can do no wrong. They do love on DH, but only if it not affecting BM. I guess now that two events for each side is not happening as they are adults; they are showing DH that he will come second to BM everytime.
I have definitely learnt alot. There have been signs. For example they always declined my family events. They were polite in always sending gifts or an approriate response. I don't see them often as they are adults so life goes on.
Yes, BM has done a fantastic
Yes, BM has done a fantastic job of making herself their primary concern. The fact that they do love on DH when she's not affected by it says they may get a better understanding of all of this as they get older. At least they are polite and civil, that's really all you can ask for.
What exactly do the stepkids do that you
think demonstrates love of DH, not just politeness?
I'm basing it on the OP
I'm basing it on the OP saying that they tell him they love him and are more affectionate when it doesn't affect BM in any way.
They remember his borthday,
They remember his borthday, they go to ball games together. SKs and DH go to lunch every month, just the three of them.
I am not certain that is really love or just politeness
And in any event, they do not include you or their half-siblings. I think you have read too much into this. They evidently do not share intimiate conversations -- Dad did not even know how serious his son was with his GF. And he could have spoken to dad about that when mom not around, but chose not to.
Your stepkids are now adults, they have made their decision.
I think they are being
I think they are being hurtful to DH. They are playing a game of love you, love you not. Yeah we are never included, and I think DH intiates the lunch but they always say yes. But we are fooled no more!
Again, I do not see the love that you see
All I see is kids being polite. I don't see any attempt to fool you or DH. But if you want to view it that way, I doubt they will care. I do think backing off, and having more reasonable expectations will work out better
It sounds to me that
the stepkids do not have much of a connection with dad, and little with you. They are polite, which is to their credit. They appreciate the mom's hard work, in sending them to private schools and grandpas help. They may even think there father is a f*ck up (which even OP has noted he was when he was younger). There may be even be an obvious class distinction, and the stepkids may be embarrassed by dad and his family. It seems like the stepkids have decided they want to live in mom's world, not Dads.
If the genders were reversed, and a mother did not have primary custody and did not pay child support, no one would be claiming that the father was exercising undue influence. No one would question the stepkids being told, when age appropriate, that dad was not paying child support.
Maybe you missed this part:
Maybe you missed this part: "They do love on DH, but only if it not affecting BM".
They may very well appreciate all that BM has done for them. But they may also very much love their father, but not feel free to say that in front of BM.
If they truly loved dad
they would find a way to see him without their mom around. The SS did not see his dad for 5 years, when he was old enough to get to dad's by himself. It sounds to me more like they are polite. Stepkids are damned if they are rude, and if they try to be polite, it is not always interpreted as merely being polte.
Please read up on parental
Please read up on parental alienation, your comments show how very little you understand about it.
My SS didn't see DH for a year, and the first time he did, he told DH he loved him. Then he disappeared again for 2 more years. Parents of BOTH GENDERS can manipulate their kids into not speaking to the other parent, it has nothing to do with not loving that parent.
Every time you see a kid closer with a mom
You blame it on parental alienation. Dads never have to take ownership of their own actions in your world.
Yet again, no understanding
Yet again, no understanding of parental alienation. Please read up on it.
have you read Ops saga?
Stepson has lunch with his dad without the mom there, yet never mentioned how serious his relationship with his GF was? They are not that close.
They have said I love you dad
They have said I love you dad in front of BM. What I meant by love on him when BM is not affected is that, if they have something planned with DH they will cancel it in a hearbeat if something came up with BM. But they won't do the opposite for DH.
Sounds to me like they prefer stuff with mom
Or maybe they think that mom was willing to make sacrifices for them and not dad
.
.
No, I believe in gender equality
And there are plenty of times I have supported dad's and dad's rights here. And supported dad's kids. I think it is awful when a parent of either gender moves away, has an affair, does not support kid. I think it is wrong when women demand that family resources be spent disproportionately on their kids (fine to have seperate money, not so fine to pool money but then decide that dad's kids get the shaft)
ETA: My time would be better
ETA: My time would be better spent banging my head on a wall.
It sounds like they were
It sounds like they were polite and formal.
We attended my SIL's wedding a few months ago. She is 16 yrs younger than DH and FIL passed away when she was 7. DH took on many of the Father of the bride rolls. It really got me thinking about what my roll will be one day in SS14's wedding one day. IF we are even invited at all, I highly doubt that I will be in any pictures at all. BM will surely be put on some pedestal as being his champion.
DH if included at all will only be an afterthought even though it was BM that ended the marriage. That it was BM that moved him 1300 miles away. It was BM that refused to send SS for visits even though we tried everything and spent almost 65k fighting for being in his life.
DD even said that its like
The skids DO have a whole other life than your kids. They grew up in different home and under other circumstances than your kids. They were raised by a different mother and grandparents who were highly involved. They run in different social circles, they have different friends and now a new branch of SDIL's family that your kids likely won't be too involved in.
It would be beneficial to your children if you stop trying to make them equal and at the same level as skids. Your kids have their own life, different parents and grands (except dad). Maybe they should be more involved with their own grandparents, their cousins (if they have them), and their own lives rather than obsessing that they are not fully included in their half siblings world. The reason she's expressing this is because you and DH want so badly to be included. For the mental health of your own children you really need to focus on yourself and what you can control, and you can't control the skids.
Of course they have different
Of course they have different lives. But that doesn't mean that it is okay to ignore siblings. My family is very involve and they are very close to their cousins. However, I have raised DKs to see SKs as siblings and they do treat them as such. SKs have met my family and have been invited to our events as well. DD feels how she feels and I have explained that none of this is their faults.
How were your kids ignored?
How were your kids ignored? Wasn't your son an usher in his brothers wedding? They are *half* siblings, were raised in different homes and spent only half of their time with your kids growing up. They are not going to be as close to them and this is common. Your kids may see things differently but skids have their own view as well. You have very high expectations that are rubbing off on your kids.
They were not included in the
They were not included in the sibling pictures. SKs didn't even say hello at the rehearsal dinner. I don't mean chat it up with DKs but just a picture or a hello would have done.
You may have raised your DKs to think of them as siblings,
But at this point, your stepkids do not think of their half siblings as siblings. Accept it and move along
I mean, could it be skids
I mean, could it be skids just don't really feel like your children are their siblings?
My formerSO's kids did not feel like our son was their sibling and his son even lived with us full-time. His daughter would totally act like our son did not exist, even when in she was in the same room as him.
There actions say that, but
There actions say that, but not words. Anyway message received and we will do distant polite.
Actions always speak louder
Actions always speak louder than words. I think accepting the reality of the relationship is best and for your and your childrens emotional health, I am glad you are at that point.
I have raised our DK's the
I have raised our DK's the same as you have raised your DK's OP, there's no 'half' in our family so to speak but my SD's are the same as your SK's are towards your DK's. Like you, I've told our DK's it's not their fault and has nothing to do with them. I even told them it has more to do with age, distance and the relationship SD's have with their dad (DH) as opposed to the relationship our DK's have with him. The bond is definitely different with our DK's and DH then SD's because my DH got to raise our DK's in the home with him everyday (without interference left that part out). And was a EOW dad to my SD's until his job moved us states away and he became more of a 4 or 5 times a year dad with daily Skype videos to SD's.
Lastly our DK's bond is different with each other then it is with SD's and everyone is now okay with it. They all still love each other and DH loves all his children but the foundation is different with all his kids as well. OP, I think the dynamic hurts YOU more then it hurts your DK's, as it did me for a long time. I just never let our DK's know it was hurtful to me and when they were younger and expressed their thoughts on the dynamic I made sure to show no emotions and advocated for my SD's on how hard they must have had it not living fulltime with DH and living 600+ miles away.
Whatever you do, please don't project your feelings onto them and help them understand that they do indeed need to lower their expectations but still love their siblings or half siblings if that's what you call them.
Lastly, as a person that grew up in a broken home, I do understand how your SK's and my SD's feel to an extent as I was more focused on seeing my dad then my SM and sister (half for site purposes) when I visited because I needed to know how important I was to my dad without having them shoved in my face every time I visited and/or saw him. Of course, my sister's and I are close now as adults and I was/is even closer to my brother's (moms kids who lived fulltime with me growing up) but noone ever feels slighted because again like I said we are all adults now and I explained and apologized to my sister's if they ever felt unimportant to me. It was never their fault or personal but it was a reality for years because I felt replaced when they came along and while my dad was trying to blend his family I wanted more alone time with only him to feel secure or at least know I was a factor in his life even when I was with my mom and her side of the family. My mom ALWAYS assured me that my dad did love me and as an adult with kids, I know why she did that.
Bottom line, this happens in many blended families but you are going to have to find solutions and not make it a problem in order to have a healthy life with healthy kids. As a mother we do hurt when our kids hurt or hurt for our kids but when mama bear ensure them that it's going to be okay things are going to be okay in their worlds.
I definitely agree. But DKs
I definitely agree. But DKs are in their mid - late teens. They do see currently that they are not considered siblings by SKs. SKs are polite but they never really build a relationship with them. I do not forsee this changing because I doubt DH has the influence in SKs life to bridge a better relationship. It is sad though because SKs admire there siblings, they are well educated, smart and successful. But I will encourage them to be polite while creating a bit of distance for DKs sake.
I am confused
I am assuming that you just recently realized that there was not much of a relationship, because you were expecting a different situation at the wedding. YOu say the SKs "admire there siblings, they are well educated, smart and successful." Do you mean your kids admire the SKs?
Sorry I meant my kids admire
Sorry I meant my kids admire SKs.
Exactly
All you seem to care about is what YOUR kids get out of the relationship, and I suspect the stepkids have figured it out. They are tired of being amusements for your kids.
Being admired is a positve
Being admired is a positve thing. Who doesn't want to be admired. I think siblings should have a good relationship because they are siblings. This isn't about them vs us it is about siblings!
Again same thing with my SD's
Again OP, same thing with my SD's and DK's. My SD's are 26 and 23 and DK's are 20, 16, 10 and 9. The 20 and 16 y/o's are the ones that felt non existent while the 10 and 9 y/o doesn't really say anything and sometimes only claim our DD16 as a sister until/unless they see SD's. Of course, SD's are very close and they have different BM's and I think it's because they share the same feelings and live in the same state and spent more time at MIL's together growing up. OSD was more involved in our BK's lives for years until almost 3 years ago when my DH set OSD straight on her behavior towards him and I for that matter (long story) but she also, on 2 occasions took her anger out on our DD16 (only girl between us) leading up to that and DD has since distanced herself from OSD but YSD have never really acknowledged them unless in their presence but is very polite and they both make it a point to tell DK's how much they love them but actions says otherwise overall. However, our DK's really does love them and see's them as family. They have, again since almost 3 years ago started to see the reality and lower their expectations. It's almost like with our ODK's "when SD's wants to be a part of their lives they will oblique them but if they don't they are no longer hurt or affected by it" and neither am I because they have grown to see what it is and lowered their expectations. It boils down to your SK's resentment that they have for their dad, your DH that I believe is the reason they keep your DK's at arms length.
I know in my heart that my SD's will not totally accept our DK's as siblings until they feel that they have the same love that my DH has for our DK's in their minds. They are loved by us both (all really) but we will not move back home and I think they hold that against us and determine our love for them so it is what it is. There's really nothing you can do to change your SK's stance or feelings and as a result it will not change the way they incorporate your DK's into their lives unless/until they are ready. It wasn't until I disengaged 3 years ago that I have finally (within the last 1.5 year) come to terms with it and slowly stopped getting butt hurt for my kids. But honestly it was my DK's that helped me get over SD's true feelings for them by ensuring me that they were okay with the dynamic they have with SD's. All in all I raised them to know that it wasn't their fault and when they reassured me that they now understand the issue's at hand and know how to deal with it, it was easier for me to let it go.
It's done, go on.
We talk about disengagement a lot of this site. It appears your SKs disengaged with DH a long time ago, and you are right; they are being polite rather than accepting. Truth be told, if I was a kid and I knew I could get a better education, be financially cared for and have someone in my life to love me and guide me I would have opted for the road your SKs have. They took advantage of what looked like the best life for them. It's like taking a job. There are positives and negatives but you are still loyal to the person who signs your paycheck. It is what it is.
As Still Learning pointed out, the SKs DO have a different life than your kids and they always will. Instead of focusing on all of the negative aspects of the wedding, it would be invaluable to your DKs to know that even though they don't have the financial advantages of their Step Brother of Sister, they are truly loved and cherished by their parents. They may not go to the most prestigious schools but they will know their parents will do everything in their power to insure they have a good education. They will be able to live their own lives without the feeling that they are owned by someone else - they would be able to treat everyone equally without fear of retribution, disfavor or question of loyalty.
One other poster suggested that you concentrate on the family that you obviously love. Make holidays and birthdays special. Allow that 'other' family to take their place at the emotional distance they desire and look upon it as a blessing.
They aren't step siblings
They aren't step siblings they are half siblings really. That is the sad part too. SKs aren't moochers, they work hard are successful and are everything to be proud of in that regard. DH really gloats abouth them to other people and such. He is so proud of them but there behaviour toward us is distance.
DKs defenitely have to work their butts of for college. I tell them that, that is blessing because it is going to mean more when they graduate. I will defenitely do a lot to reassure them.
OK, half siblings rather than SKs
They ARE your SKs but it really doesn't matter. The thing that matters is that you look at the postitve lessons your have hopefully learned about mutual respect. and will pass on to your DK's. Again - Allow that 'other' family to take their place at the emotional distance they desire and look upon it as a blessing.
What pathetic pieces of shit
What pathetic pieces of shit these people are. BM, SS, SD and apparently SDIL's parents included. Every one of them made it abundantly clear that they do not give a shit about DH or his family and their purposeful worship of BM makes all of them pathetic and write offs IMHO.
I hope that your DH now has clarity that his prior relationship children are not worth his care, time, or consideration.
If I were your DH I would insist on a 1:1 with my son, put my fatherly foot up his ass (figuratively) and force feed him clarity on his mother and how devastated I was by his and his sisters IV ingesting of her toxic KoolAid. I would have a comprehensive financial breakdown of every penny I contributed to SS, SD and BM over the years with a balance sheet comparison of what BM failed to contribute. He would know that without DH's support BM could not have housed them, fed them, clothed them, educated them, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc,........ I would have that kid sniveling in shock regarding the facts of his BM. Then I would tell him when he was ready to stop being his BM's bitch boy, grow up and be a man that I would be happy to engage in an adult father/son relationship with him.
If he grows up and shows up... great. If not... good riddance.
Grrrrrrrr!
I am hurt and angry for your DH, you and your family.
Read the back story
The mother paid alimony. The father was NCP, but did not pay child support. The mother paid all of the private school tuition, and most of college. The maternal grandfather helped the kid get intererships to get a job. Per OP.
The stunt you are recommending will likely result in less of a relationship with the stepson and stepdauther.
If anyone did not act like a man, it was the father, who had an affair, and still demanded alimony.
All of the financial backing the mother provided, OP stated it was her DH's right, and no need tfor her DH o thank the mother for paying for most of college.
There is no need for your language.
Lots of detail I wasn't aware
Lots of detail I wasn't aware of. That changes the picture significantly.
In that case...... SS has stepped up and given his SpermIdiot much more than he deserved or has earned. People of character do that sort of thing.
Thanks for the .... clarity.
DH did not demand alimony. BM
DH did not demand alimony. BM agreed to it as a means to end the divorce quicker as well as have the custody agreement of every weekend for DH and every weekday for her. BM did not provide DH and I household with any finacial backing. We both have worked and are working. Sending kids to private school is not a government requirement. Our own kids are in public school.
OMG
He did not demand alimony, but the ex agreed to it to end the marriage. Oh please. He bargained for it.