Large Blended Family Stepmom Dislikes My Kids
I'm new to the forum but have been lurking from time to time. I am currently engaged. I have two kids B/14 and G/12. She has four kids, all boys 14, 13, 11, 9. I do not have shared custody with my ex because she is incarcerated. My fiance shares custody with the BF and has her kids on rotations of 5 on, 2 off then 5 off, 2 on. We've been together nearly 4 years. We had known each other through youth sports and we were friends. When my ex wife went to jail, she was there to help me pick up the pieces. We started dating a couple months after my wife's incarceration (still incarcerated for lewd and lasciviious acts against a minor) and ended up moving in together after 6-7 months of dating and have been living together ever since. She assumed the role of mother to my kids, which I don't have a problem with.
As of last year, she's been having issues being around my kids. My kids aren't angels but they are decent kids. My son does well in school and is self sufficient but he is a teenager and sometimes has an attitude. He's never been violent or explosive to my fiance and does try to respect her. Theirs been times he's been out of line with and it gets handled. My daughter does well in school and is also self sufficient. Shes a 12 year old girl going through a wierd time now. Her biggest problem is she is very emotional. Most of the time, my kids stay in their rooms and don't come out except to eat or do their chores (this is their choosing). Her kids come home after being with the dad and they run the house. It's like we have to retrain them to know what type of rules are in the house. She believes that my kids are entitled and spoiled. She claims I allow them to get away with everything and there is no consequence which is quite the contrary. I feel I am much harder on my kids than hers and try to look at her kids in a different perspective. I always try to be the calmer parent in the situation because if I yell at her kids, theyre on the phone to daddy telling him how I yelled and that they hate living here when all I'm doing is trying to play peacemaker so her boys don't kill each other. A lot of the times, her kids disrespect her and talk back to her and have even called her a bad mom. The kids lie to her and laugh behind her back and their is really no consequence other than losing a phone for a day or two. We both have issues in how the kids are punished and will continue. I will discipline my kids with a spanking and then the loss of a device. To her it's not enough. Her kids arent bad kids either but they cause 100x more conflict in the house than my kids and get away with so much more yet I can find a way to deal with it.
The last couple weeks have been tough. She has left the home several times to stay at her moms because she can't deal with my kids. She came back for a week and then left again to go to her moms. Said she just can't deal with my kids and it's really affecting my feelings for her. I love her so much and to know she has these feelings for my kids just tears me apart. I go above and beyond to try to connect and create a bond with her kids and let the cards fall where they may. She doesn't really try to form a bond. Just throws her hands up and runs away until she feels better. I've suggested separate households but we really can't afford it. We have a therapy session scheduled for this coming week. Just confused.
You need to figure out how to live to support your kids
This is not working. If you have to, get a second job. Look for what they call near me a "junior 4", convert dining area to bedroom for the girl, share bedroom with son. Move into a trailer park if you have to
We need more info, I think.
We need more info, I think.
Why can't you afford separate households? Presumably you are self supporting, and should you and your fiancee split, her finances will not be your concern.
It sounds as if your kids live with you full time, while hers live with you half the time; she has four, you have two, and there's huge differences in parenting styles. Does that sum it up?
What are your fiancee's specific complaints about your children? Are they rude, cold, do they talk back to her? Do they run to you with complaints about her? Is your fiancee doing the majority of labor to care for them (cooking, cleaning, schoolwork, doctor appts, etc)?
It would be tough to support
It would be tough to support two households unless we just completely split and did our own thing.
Her chief complaint is that we aren’t blending and I show more favoritism over my kids than hers but denies it when I observe her favoring her kids. I do take her kids fishing, to sporting events, school and even coach them in baseball and basketball. I even sacrificed time with my own son because she complaimed I spent too much time with him and not her kids.
We share duties of cooking, cleaning, etc. The older kids take care of themselves other than family dinners.
She is selfish and you are being used.
Figre out split
An occassional break is one
An occasional break is one thing. Running away from a spouse because she is too much of a baby to deal with life is something entirely different and unacceptable. She breeds and raises hell spawn,cries then runs away over your kids who apparently are far less feral than the ones she has spawned. Nope. Next time she runs, call the locksmith, re-key the locks and see how she takes the message that her access to your home is dependent on her behaving as an adult, stepping up, and being your equity life partner. If she runs from your kids give her the massage that hers are not welcome in the home.
You do not run when her kids are in the home. She shouldn't run either.
The choice is hers. Put on her adult skivvies or... keep on her pampers and make a life without you.
Pretty simple IMHO.
My DW was the CP with sole physical and legal custody over my SS for the first 16 years of our marriage. I married her, I committed to making a life with her. That meant partnering with her to raise her son. Ultimately he became my son. If I had not delivered on that commitment, we would not have recently celebrated our 25th anniversary and our son SS-27 (He asked me adopt him 5 years ago) would not be a performing viable adult of character.
I hope that your bride can gain clarity. For the sake of your marriage and for all of the kids in the picture. She is not modeling mature adulthood for her kids or yours.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
One of the last times she
One of the last times she wanted to leave I brought it to her attention how she can just leave and leave all the problems behind while I have to stay and roll up my big boy pants and get through this shit. I have much more on my plate than she could ever fathom but I manage to still function and be there for her, my kids and her kids.
You are an adult of character.
You are adult of character. She isn't.
Sadly.
No offense, OP, but I think
No offense, OP, but I think you have poor taste in women! First wife in prison, and this one is complaining about your 2 kids when her 4 are running amok through the house.
I don't think this will work, and your two kids deserve better.
My first marriage, we were
My first marriage, we were together for 20 years it was pretty good up until the last 2 years before she went off the deep end. My fiancé isn’t a bad person just has family issues. Maybe we can work it out, maybe we can’t.
I don't know - I suspect your
I don't know - I suspect your idea of normal is skewed, maybe from your own family growing up? Normal people don't go off the deep end and molest children out of the blue. There were likely red flags there that maybe weren't apparent to you.
Your fiancee may not be a "bad person" but she's not handling this step thing well - do some couples counseling, but you might also work on yourself and figure out if your picker is broken.
I had a great family growing
I had a great family growing up. My mom was the homemaker and my dad was the breadwinner. She raised all four of us and for the most part, we’re all pretty stable and my parents have been together for 52 years.
20 years of marriage and we had our fair share of problems but there’s nothing normal about what my ex did. I seriously think she had a mental breakdown or something after her dad passed away. She was a different person after that and so much crap came to the surface once she went to trial about how her mental state had severely diminished.
Maybe my picker is off, I don’t know. We’ve had nearly four years together and for the most part, it has been great.
Some people just don't blend,
Some people just don't blend, and that's ok. But you all have either got to figure out a way to coexist somehow or there will be no other option but to split. She's clearly unhappy with the situation, and maybe she is being unreasonable, but it doesn't change the fact she's quite unhappy and already escaping the situation.
I hope you both are able to go into your counseling session open and honest and wanting/willing to figure out how to make things work. If you've never done counseling before, it may take a few sessions before you are really able to break thru and get into things, but as long as you are both wanting it, it could help.
My own sister's kids treated
My own sister's kids treated her terribly--said mean things behind her back, laughed at her, etc. I don't know why she and her DH allowed it, but she refused to address it. Whenever my own D went to visit them, I had to retrain her to be poite and respectful.
Could be your wife is so stressed and fed up with her OWN kids that she lashes out at you and YOUR kids, because she sees you and yours as the added extra stressors. She's wrong of course.
I think she needs to step up and parent her own kids and get them under control. Until then, you and your kids are the automatic targets. I couldn't live that way.
Would she be agreeable to parenting help from a counselor? Couples counseling with someone with experience in blended families?
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head. She did mention something like that in the beginning of our relationship on how well behaved my kids are. Maybe she resents the fact that her kids are always causing disruptions and looking for a reason to detest my kids. We are going to a counseling this week.
I hope the counselling work..
I hope the counselling works....quick. Because if what you are saying is 100% accurate, you should NOT be making your children go through all of that just so you aren't single. No woman, or man, is worth that.
You aren't married yet,
You aren't married yet, please don't rush into it.
There is a lot of good advice here, please consider what they are saying. It wouldn't be the end of the world to get separate homes and take a step back to dating without blending. She is responsible for her home, you yours. I am assuming that you were able to do that before your ex was incarcerated.
If you do want to consider counseling
Protect your kids in the meantime. Dont let her mandate you punishing your kids for minor infractions. I think you need to live apart for a while.