Not Matter What I Do I Lose -
Hello. I am both a step-mom and a bio-mom so I feel like I can emphasize with both sides but I am feeling pretty hurt and discouraged about my current situation.
I married a widower of 12 years in 2017. He has three children, one still at home who, due to his mental breakdown when his previous wife died of cancer at age 40 when his youngest was 2, lived with his mother and father since she was 5 (9 years.)
When I met my husband, he has recovered and been great for about 5-6 years but had not taken his daughter out of his mother's home due to living in an apartment and not wanting to uproot her...translation, controlling mother would not have it.
He always desired to have his daughter back with him and had never legally signed over custody. In walk me, and I marry him and move from my town to his because my children are adults and his is still a minor.
When I met my SD she was just turning 14 and was in a loving environment but it was a MESS. She was not allowed to walk outside, use the mircowave, and was only allowed to show when it was convenient for Grandma or Grandpa so they could clean the shower after her or, let her shower after them so my SD could wipe the glass so there were no stains. She had no friends, had never had a birthday party or a sleep over, and never went on a fieldtrip. She was so sheltered. She did not even know how to wash her hair properly and seemed VERY naive.
When I became engaged to her father, I was encouraged by his entire family saying that my SD really needed a woman in her life, how great it was that I could "pick up the ball" etc. Of course, as soon as I did step in and we were married, things changed dramatically. My MIL was very insecure and jealous and when my SD would come visit her dad and I on weekends during the school year, she would call and text her incessantly and randomly drop by or pick her up so she could go home and do homework or whatever. Of course my DH, out of guilt, thought he had forfeited his right to parent....
Needless to say, in 10 months my SD changed schools and decided it would be better if she did not have to go back and forth between us and Gma all the time so we flipped it. She now lives with us, and Gma and Gpa get to spend time with her and spoil her.
Also, my MIL never allowed contact with my SD deceased mother's family which is HORRIBLE.
Soon after we all began living together full time, my MIL began making waves, telling me my DH did not know how to parent, etc. It ended up in a disagreement and she did not enter my home again for 5 months. My SD began playing Gma and against DH and I and well Gma fell for the lies and enhancements and began attempting to get my SD to move back with her!
Finally, 5 months later, last September it all hit the fan where my MIL and my DH got into a large argument which ended with her making all kinds of threats and then taking my SD out of the house only to get two blocks away and my SD said NO I want to live with my Dad.
It almost ended my marriage. What followed has been a rollercoaster of on again off again attitude with my SD. I know she had a hard time making that move and I have been very concerned for her.
On the positive, during this past year 2018-19, I have helped her learn to cook, do laundry, wash her hair, and she now has friends, sleepovers and trips and birthday parties.
On the downside, as soon as Gma was told to leave, the loyalty pull began. It is as if my MIL is the bio-mom. My SD causes no drama to MY FACE, but behind the back, says horrible things.
Recently, she left her diary on her bed and of course I picked it up and read the most horrendous entry about me with such vulgar language and remarks it cut my heart in half.
Outwardly she asks like sweet and innocent but is raging in her diary about how she thinks I am a fat Wh__e and a B__ch and of course is jealous of the way her dad treats me vs. her.
I know, I know, all the psychology behind it all, but how do you deal? She is spoiled, never asks, does whatever she wants, and I can imagine on her end she is miserable (even just being 16 is miserable at times 
I find myself biting my tongue and counting the days until she graduates and leaves for college. I find myself panicked as she has told her dad that the ONLY place he can be buried is next to HER mom and he better PROMISE that to her. I get it, but she has no conscious memory of her mom and seems to have no compassion for how much she hurts me.
I feel also for my husband who is now outcast from his mother and father and his brother. Granted his family was not all that to begin with, but on the outside, his mother is considered a saint and yet is an ugly insecure woman at heart.
If this girl hasn't seen a
If this girl hasn't seen a therapist, I might see if she and her dad would be open to that. She has been through a lot and has a lot of internal anger which she seems to be misdirecting at you (all-be-it in her diary rather than directly towards you). Someone who can help her understand her emotions and feelings and to deal with them in a healthy way could be good.
In the mean time I would be glad that she at least is polite to your face, we all have thoughts from time to time about people that we do not externaize but manage to be respectful and polite despite our feelings. Some would say that writing negative things down in a private place is more healthy than expressing them to someone's face.
If you are committed to being involved then I would question whether disengagement is the answer here. As pointed out above, she has lost a lot of parental figures in her childhood and if you disenage too, that is just another one to add to the list. Of course you need to protect your sanity and mental health too, so it may be necessary from your end.
Overall, a good dose of therapy (familiy and individual) for everyone involved sounds like a good move.
Your husband seems to be a
Your husband seems to be a caring father who has a different parenting style to the in laws, and in laws who think themselves superior because they are lacking a sympathy chip. Circumstances such as those would have left many people to struggle. When my friends dad died her mum had to send her and her brother to boarding school for a while with some compensation money. Her dad unexpectedly died in a plane crash. People do what they have to sometimes. When someone is ready to parent again people need to be ready and supportive. I would suggest if counselling won’t help people change, that your husband write your mil a letter along the lines of: thank you for (x,y,z) these things (x,y,z) were not my fault. I am trying my best you need to stop criticising me. If x,y,z continues I will have to stop contact with you for a while.
The daughter may need
The daughter may need counselling, but sd needs to stop using stuff as an excuse for her behaviour.
Your title
Could be the title of this whole site.
Regarding the attitude and what you saw in her diary: congratulations she considers you a parent. Seriously. My own DS said some awful things about me to his friends and some to my face. He had serious ‘tude for about a year. It’s normal. And it seems to be just one person. I was that person because I was safe. He could safely hate me knowing I would still be there for him. (But he did get his phone taken away when I saw him actually text something crappy about me.) Doesn’t mean I liked it or took his crap.
But you saw it in her private diary. Yes she left it out. Some may say on purpose. But it is private and you can’t say you saw it.
It’s a lot of change for her in a very short amount of time AND she’s an early teen. It’s gonna be hell.
I think you and your DH are on the right track. If anyone needs therapy it’s your ILs.
What a mess.
What a mess.
We've had other members over the years who dealt with versions of this: Bio parent for whatever reason hands their kid(s) over to a family member to raise. Time passes, then the parent gets into a new relationship and all of a sudden decides they want an insta - family without giving any consideration to the uproar this will cause.
If your H wanted to finally step up and parent, he should have initiated such a huge change in a methodical, appropriate manner BEFORE adding you to the mix. There should have been communication, a plan for the transition, and counseling support in place so that he could get up and running as a full time parent. Instead he took the easy way, causing everyone a lot of grief in order to ensure he had an Instamommy (you) there, ready to overfunction and do his job for him.
This family was screwed up before you ever came along, and now you've jumped in with both feet trying to be Super SM. Your H's daughter effectively lost both of her parents and got the second tier, cossetting grandparent upbringing that often produces screwed up, spoilt kids ( not to mention taking her on a 14, which is the UGLIEST age for girls and past the time when much change can be effected). Essentially, you married into dysfunction and moved a wounded wild animal into your home.
This is not your war, or your kid, or your problem to fix. Please take several steps back and disengage from this mess. Define your role as a wife, period. Don't try to mediate, facilitate, parent, or otherwise insert yourself. All of these people need counseling, both joint and family, to work through this, and it might be a good idea to go No Contact with ALL of the inlaws for a while. It's sad payback for everything MIL's done for her son and granddaughter, but people tend to get hurt when boundaries get blurred.
If this kid is gonna use mum dying as the excuse to behave
this way, for all these families to behave this way they have serious adjustment issues. People die and leave all the time, its a fact of life but this child it seems was assumed to be too young to understand anything so everyone acted like business as usual and the family dynamics just got so messed up along the way and now the childs dad is afraid to stand up to his parents
Parents raise kids and kids
Parents raise kids and kids do what they are told. GPs getting to see GKids is a priveledge entirely dependent on the GP's reasonable behaior and the choice and convenience of the parents.
In this case... GMa would never see that kid again until the kid turned 18 and could make that choice for herself.
Toxic people are purged. Regardless of who they are. Including GParents.