Calling all "Steps" evaluate/opinions needed on this kid.....
SS is 12 years old with an older brother who is off to college( thank god another story). So I don't write a book I'm just going to give you last overnight "visit" with SS.
It started Sat afternoon when I had to drop DH off to pick up his car at the shop. We left SS home alone playing on his phone. I come home first 20 mins later to find SS standing out in the driveway pissed off. Hes "pissed" as he says we did not tell him we were going and hes hungry. We did tell him. I told him I'm home now and can make him something to eat. He refuses to come in and stands in the driveway waiting for DH to get home. When DH gets home SS tells him the same thing.
When its bedtime SS can NOT put himself to bed. DH has to go up with him turn on his nightlight and cover him up AND 90 percent of the time has to CARRY him piggyback up the stairs and put him in bed. This is a 12 year old and no he did not fall asleep on the couch hes wide awake.
Every other weekend SS needs to be back to BM's house by 11:00 am on Sunday. This schedule has been into play for 7 years. SS knows this. Well DH starts trying to wake SS up at 9:30 then 9:50 then 10:00 then 10:20 then 10:30. SS refuse to get up. BM is a real Bitch and will drag DH back to court(she has) if he brings SS home late so this is a real problem. SS starts yelling saying he has to get up early during school so he should be able to sleep in on the weekends. DH tells him he can go back to sleep once he gets to BM's house but SS refuses. At this point I tell DH maybe having SS over Sat night is not going to work if hes not going to get up on time to get back to his mothers. At this point SS started yelling at me to shut the F up. Yep you heard right. At this point I leave to go pick up our daughter at camp and DH has ten mins to get SS up before he will be late getting him back to BM. An hour later I get a text from DH he somehow got SS up BUT brought him back to BM pissed off and SS told DH he hates him and would not talk to him the whole way home.
This is just a sample of what this brat is like. Yes I know DH is to blame as he allows SS to get away with this entitled behavior.
Questions....How does BM get this kid up for school everyday?? Brush his teeth? Shower? As much as I hate her I'm impressed. How is he able to be main streamed in school with other kids and follow school rules??? Again yes DH plays a BIG part in SS behavior bur seriously I really think this kid has got a screw lose. He does see multiple therapists and has been diagnosed with mood disorders. The way he behaves at our house one would think he would need one on one in a spical school setting or home schooling. Yes hes by no means perfect at BM or school but at least most of the time they seem to be able to get him to do what them want. With us its a constant struggle. Thoughts?
I would start by having your
I would start by having your DH change that bedtime routine!
Your SS’s current routine sounds similar to what used to happen at our place. My DH used to carry SD to bed when she would be “too tired” to walk. I think that ended sometime when she was 10 and getting too big. But she also couldn’t handle being by herself and DH would either lay on the floor or the foot of her bed until she fell asleep. (When we first lived together she wanted to sleep in our bed or on the floor in our room - ugh!) I don’t remember how long that lasted. He would also turn on her light and get a movie ready on her tv because she had to fall asleep with the tv on. Im not sure what happened, but at some point she was fine with him just coming in and saying good night. And things have been much better.
If your SS refuses to go upstairs without being carried (kind of like standing out in the driveway) your DH might just have to stick it out and not give in. It will be tough and it will be a battle, but it may be a start.
Disclaimer: this is just my advice based on my experience.
BM doesn’t play these games with SS
If SS gives him mother a hard time I would think he will pay for it. Your DH plays his games and it’s only going to get worst as he gets older.
My guess is that BM and the
My guess is that BM and the school give him consequences, while your DH does not.
Kids like this need structure and rewards/consequences, not arguing, cajoling and babying.
Sounds like the BM and the
Sounds like the BM and the schools don't put up with the kids crap, but dear dadddeee does.
In a nutshell your husband needs to learn how to be an adult and teach his kid responsibility, respect and punish him when he's being a brat.
I have a few solutions for
I have a few solutions for you but I doubt your "d"h would be on board:
1) If SS ever tells you to shut the f up again- EVERYTHING in his room is gone. No phone, no TV, no video games, NOTHING. It becomes a jail cell with a mattress on the floor and a sheet. He isn't going anywhere. He can cry and throw a fit and do whatever the F he wants but hell no would that ever happen again. He room would remain that way until he can apologize and use his big boy manners for a set durration of time- not to be less than 2 weekend visits.
2) SS get's one warning to get up. If he doesn't ICE WATER ON HIS HEAD. A whole bucket. I would go buy a water proof mattress cover just for this. It would be fun!
3) Going to bed in general. No freaking piggy back rides- DH points to the bedroom and says get up NOW and go. If he won't count to 3 and take the phone, count to 3 and snag the TV cable, count to 3... you get the picture.
I have 0 tolerance for bullcrap and I would not allow that behavior ever to be in my home. Thankfully my DH is the same.
You guys are so lucky your SO/DH stands up for you, ....
I'll never have that....I was married before and had the same issue minus the bratty kid. My Ex allowed his exwife to call the shots and I played second fiddle. At least I had a sweet SS in that marriage. As I look back on my first marriage I wish I stayed as this second time around is pure hell. Not only am I dealing with a controlling exwife but a total disrespectful brat and a husband who does not care. I'm just thinking there is just something wrong with me that allows this
You're perfectly human. We
You're perfectly human. We tend to fall for what we are familar with and follow the same patterns throughout our lives. That is why we often need outside sources to help us recognize them and break out of these patterns and to find new ways of doing things that can result in huge changes to our lives. It isn't easy, but it isn't impossible.
At this point SS started
At this point SS started yelling at me to shut the F up.
When SS said this did your H address this right then and there? If he didn't this is a big red flag and you'll be sure to encounter more disrespectful behavior if he didnt shut this down.
How does BM get this kid up for school everyday?? Brush his teeth? Shower? As much as I hate her I'm impressed.
Who know how BM gets this kid up but you shouldn't concern yourself with that. You have to focus on what he's NOT doing in your home and how your H has to remedy the situation because its not working out for either of you. If he can't wake up on Sunday morning on time then he has to be put to bed much earlier on Saturday. He doesn't call the shots. He has to get up and that's it and if he doesn't your H will have to MAKE him get the heck out of bed. If he gets upset oh well but he doesn't get to run sh!t in your home.
I'm sorry but your DH sounds
I'm sorry but your DH sounds like a huge b!tch. No way in hell should he be allowing his kid to disrespect you on that level. We all know skids can be brats but this is out of control. He should have had MAJOR consequences for the way he spoke to you.
And I agree with the others - most likely, there are consequences for this type of behavior at BM's house so she probably doesn't have this issue to the extent you do at your place.
He is old enough he could have been left on the porch to throw his little fit. It's not like he's a toddler.
As for the schedule issue, is BM aware of the issues you're having? I don't know a solution.. maybe tell SS he can't stay the night anymore since he refuses to get up in the morning and you don't have time to deal with his bs. He is just way too old to be putting you through this. It's worse than my toddler!
If we were dealing with
If we were dealing with regular people here who can have civilized conversations and put other people's wellbeing above their own ego's, I would say that your husband should be asking for advice from BM. But I susspect (as you are on this website) that would not work out as well as it logically should....
His refusal to get out of bed
His refusal to get out of bed is nothing a pitcher of ice water won't fix. Ice water was my mom's favorite get out of bed motivator when we were preteens and teens.
It works great.