I don’t want my sa around my son when he’s born.
To start I have a 7 year old ss. We have him usually every other weekend during the school year and every other week during summer. My husband does pay child support and follows every rule in the book. The mom...not so much. Through out the time I’ve been with my husband I knew what his situation entitles. His son is a compulsive liar, he has slapped his moms 6 month old daughter in the face, beat his moms 5 year old son up, he’s attacked other kids at school and day care along with teachers and day care providers. He’s even tried attacking me. He has hurt animals in the past including my dog. He has made comments to me saying “I just want to hurt people and animals just because.” Like I said I knew all of this coming into the relationship and was prepared to help my husband where every I could. But the situation has changed in my eyes. I found out I was pregnant in October and was ecstatic. As the due date nears I’ve become more scared and worried for my own sons safety around my step son. I’ve voiced my concerns to my husband and all he ever tells me is “he won’t do anything.” Or “I won’t allow anything to happen.” He has even said “what if our son does something to him.” I understand it’s his son but I feel like he just doesn’t look at his son like his son is capable of doing something harmful like he is blind to it. What do I do? What should I do? I’m extremely lost and am afraid this is going to cost me my marriage if it gets to that point.
This is going to cost you
This is going to cost you your marriage. You need to keep that demon seed away from your baby.
I don't know how you will keep him away during your husband's parent time though.
Proof positive that no good deed goes unpunished.
It seems like such a horrible thing to avoid dating people whose kids have baggage. You feel like you're inhuman doing that. You want to be the kind of person who doesn't do that. you want to be the kind of person who stays and helps. But look where it gets us.
I'm sitting on the front porch. My partner is in the house lecture and his daughter about her bathroom habits. Nothing will change. It's driving my daughter crazy.
If I had this to do again I would run for the hills.
Your problem is your husband
He’s excused, enabled and encouraged his child to behave that way. When you bring it up as unacceptable or his kid smacking you hubby says he’ll talk to him about it but really never addresses it. He gives the lip service, a slap on the wrist.
my skids are adults apart from youngest sd who is 14. My 2 sd live on their own in another state as sd14 was palmed off to sd23 to look after since 3 yrs ago. Ss21 only lives with us duing university breaks and every few weekends. Ss shuns us but sd’s think they can do whatever with my kids even when i say no.
my son is anaphylactic to eggs and severely allergic to cats. Sd’s have 3 cats at home and cat dander is on everything they wear. I cannot afford to allow the opportunity for sd’s to feed my son egg products like cookies or bread, or they feed my daughter it and she touches her brother etc. There is a reason why i say no to sd’s but because they respect no boundaries and ignore me or tell me they will do what ever, which my husband recently justified as them being playful so now i refuse any family events or outings that sd’s will be at... they do not respect us and our rules regarding our kids and its careless of me to even allow my child be put in harms way.
your only option is to put your foot down with hubby and he addresses it. I can’t imagine how any spouse can excuse this behaviour. Until you mean business he will continue with the lip service...
My formerSO's son was a demon
My formerSO's son was a demon seed as well. I left. I HAD TO. Both me and my BS5mo were being negatively affected by him.
FormerSO's son lived with him (us) full-time; rarely ever going to visit BM. This kid literally woke my baby EVERY TIME he was sleeping... if he was not in school, my baby did not have unbroken sleep. He tried his damn best to interrupt as many feedings (I breast fed) as he could. Nasty demon seed also tried physically hurting my baby. Would spread broken glass in his play areas...my formerSO used to "make him" hold babyBS and he would "accidentally" hit his head on a door frame, wall, whatever...every time, I came into the livingroom (I ran to bathroom quick) and this monster was holding my son by a leg about to drop him over the side of the couch, tried MULTIPLE times to put peanut butter in his mouth..1st time my son was only days old. On and on.
I was EXHAUSTED, both physically and mentally, trying to watch my baby like a hawk at all times - I HAD TO - or "something" would "accidentally" happen...every time my baby was out of direct eye sight.
My formerSO could or would not accept that his son was doing these things on purpose. He would "talk to him" and make excuses...he didn't know, he didn't do it, he knows better now (multiple offenses of same thing continued). The excuses were REDICULOUS and completely...well, just off the wall grasping for straws to try and find a different reason other than his son.
I knew nothing was ever going to change, because formerSO just wouldn't accept his kid was a monster and needed mental help. His son was out of school for summer break for 1 week and I packed me and baby up and left. There was NO WAY we could have spent MONTHS with him always arround.
Of course when I left formerSO suddenly grasped the urgency of the situations and promised things would change! (While making side comments about maybe it wasn't so bad or maybe I would get used to it or maybe I had PPD or blah blah blah.) He tried to con(vince) me to move back in for nearly a year before realizing I never would.
My formerSO does not ever see our shared son, ever. I haven't heard from him in nearly a year. I believe he knows/suspects that I have documented his son's behavior and would fight him having visitation before his kid had a mental health evaluation (because, you know "nothing is wrong with my son!"), the home was inspected (his son was FILTHY - when I left, he finally cleaned his kid's room - 12 bags of garbage we're taken out of his bedroom, it was so bad I had legitimate concerns that there was going to be a cockroach or mouse infestation) and formerSO has an alcohol addiction evaluation. FormerSO didn't want to face any of those things.
OP, I am telling you my experience because I want you to know you are "not alone". I understand! The risk, and danger, of a kid trying to hurt a baby is REAL. Please keep a close eye on things, and be prepared to do whatever necessary to protect your baby - including leaving if it comes to that.
I am so sorry.
ETA: Start documenting your ss behavior and the discussions you have with your husband regarding the behavior. And if your husband turns a blind eye, makes excuses, not addressing issues, etc.
Wow. The fact that he doesn't
Wow. The fact that he doesn't want to see his son with you speaks volumes about how much he really cares about his kids. If he did, he'd agree to visitation that didn't include his other son, or was supervised. Or ya know, address the issues with the 7 yo so he could have your son with him visit.
Sad, but not surprising, given how he let his older son become so disturbed.
My formerSO's son was 13! So,
My formerSO's son was 13! So, fully capable of knowing what he was doing was wrong. Kid completely lacked empathy for others and looked at people only for what they could do for him. If they couldn't or wouldn't do for him, he wanted to "get rid of them". If he ends up being a serial killer I will not be surprised. At all.
My formerSO was delighted when I found out I was pregnant (which was a surprise as I had my tubes tied 20yrs previous). Sadly, I think he thought it made me "trapped". At the time I found out I was pregnant, I was starting to consider ending the relationship for many reasons - but a major one was his son. I decided to stick it out and try to make things better - big mistake.
He won't see our son because 1. He can't take care of him by himself 2. He doesn't want to "face" that something was "wrong" with his son. I tried to get him to see some of the issues but got the ole "there is nothing wrong with my son" bullcrap.
ETA: FormerSO would ONLY see our son if I allowed him to stay at my house for the weekend, not just during the day, but it had to be that I allowed him to stay overnight. And it ended up being he would just get DRUNK all weekend long and try and talk me to move back into that nightmare household/ re-establish our relationship. I tried, I really did, but it got to the point that I just could not allow him to stay at my house. That is when he quit seeing our son.
Wow stepped out, your story parts of it really resonate with me
My husband is in serious denial. Late last year he admitted all 3 skids had issues, were exact replicas of bio mum, now 10 months later ss21 who referred to me as a stranger now never said that and just meant he was uncomfortable with saying a basic hello or acknowledging me and our kids who are his half siblings, sd’s being disrespectful and telling me they will do what they want with my 2 toddlers and feed them whatever when i say no, is them being playful. Skids wanting nothing to do with us is now they love me as their mummy.
My sds are my biggest issue, i have a son anaphylactic to eggs to cross contamination is a major issue and we do not feed our daughter egg products because residual contact or the food item can get to my son. So i need these rules is place or my son will be in hospital
my husband made me so angry when he justified his daughters answering me back as being playful because them being playful would put our son in hospital and i would divorce him then because i’m tired of those excuses.
1 more month till i move to my country as our daughter will be schooling there and i am finishing off my degree and thats not possible where we live with bad internet service. I never have to deal with skids unless i am back in hubbys country and even then i refuse to be in contact or presence of sd’s.
My sil’s know some of the issues and they were gobsmacked when i mentioned just 2. The fact sd23 is a mini wife, yeah hubby has to ask her to see sd14 because bio mum palmed off her care to sd23 after kidnapping them 6 yrs ago... this has translated to both sd’s thinking their authority regarding my kids supercedes me. Hell to the eff no!! Not ever happening
my sils brought up how sd’s aren't the same bubbly people they were before and that they aren’t pleasant to be around. This is why i refuse to be around them
OMG - This is a Dealbreaker
Hurting other children and animals is disturbing and this kid could be a psychopath / sociopath in the making. Don’t trust him around your baby! I would keep the baby in my room when he’s there abd lock the bedroom door to prevent him slipping in at night. I don’t think the marriage is sustainable. Your SS needs firm discipline and ongoing therapy. It sounds like his parents are in denial, too. I have to wonder if the boy has been abused at some point, he is so viciously angry to be a small child. I don’t think you can really rest easy with him in the house. I also don’t think I’d divorce right away, I wouldn’t trust dad to keep the baby/child safe during visitation. Sexual abuse is also driven by power and anger, and half of all child sexual abuse is perpetrated by other children. I’m digressing, I’m not saying the kid will be a molester. I am saying he is sick, and dangerous to anyone he can victimize, and you have to protect your child, even if the marriage is a casualty. If you separate/ divorce, you will need to explain why. Start documenting SS unhealthy behaviors and how bioparents deal or don’t deal with it. I would also pray for healing for this child and protection for your family including baby and SS. Maybe even anonymously call Child Protective Services. In my experience, children that act like that are usually abused.
If the seven year old is
If the seven year old is actually, intentionally harming animals and smaller children, and has verbalized a continuous desire to harm people and animals, then the responsible thing to do here is for his bioparents to get him into therapy. Psychopathy occurs on a spectrum and is not treatable, but a qualified psychologist could be a valuable resource going forward. If I were in your shoes, I would not let a child who has harmed an infant, a small child, and animals ever be alone with my child.
If SS comes over your
DH has to be with him all the time. If DH goes out SS is with him. Ect. Or else he stays with BM. Unfortunately there is going to be a time where BM will not going to be able to handle him. Or he puts her in the hospital, That where the trouble starts. Or your marriage ends