daughters!
Hi everyone,
This is my first post. I was ready to send out an SOS flag so here I am. Quick background, I've been in this relationship for a year - he has 2 kids and I have 3. We do not live together because I told him he needs to change his parenting etc.
Anyways, my problem is that his 4yo daughter keeps doing mean things to my 5yo daughter. His daughter calls my daughter ugly, says things like "I don't like you," etc. This happens every single time we are around. My daughter is normally super self confident and a bright person, but now she's questioning things. I feel like I am doing my daughter a disservice by staying with my fiance. His daughter is pretty much mean to everyone- and acts this way a lot when someone won't do what she wants to do (ex 4yo wants to play inside and 5yo will say no thank you + goes to play outside). Sometimes it's just super random, she's mean to her friends at daycare. I've told him he needs to reevaluate the custody arrangement because I don't think my kids or myself could handle this full time. I feel bad, but I have done everything I possibly can to help him change her behavior. His other child does not listen and is quite unpleasant. He does disicpline her when she does these things, but I feel like he missed the mark on creating a nice kid w/ good character because the discipline does not work. I don't think he disciplines her much when she's mean to other people etc- I know the mother does not b/c the mother is quite mean as well.
I don't know if I should leave at this point, I truly love him but the kids are becoming a deal breaker =[ I feel like I am the crazy one and I feel bad. I really love kids, I mean half of my kid's friends come stay at my house on the weekends and I want foster kids one day. I just feel at a loss because it's like ME vs THEM (the bio parents) and it's defeating. No return on my investment - and in this situation the only people benefiting are his kids, not mine.
Move on... you already know.
Move on... you already know.
This isn't the relationship
This isn't the relationship for you. There's really no point in hanging around and dating - his kids are too young and will be around for too long. Do your daughter a favor and give her a life without a skid who is sucking away her confidence and joy.
you are so right. I guess I
you are so right. I guess I believed I could "fix" his kids or change them. He is so open minded to changing things and has admitted he doesn't know what he is doing in parenting and will fifx things when I offer a different perspective.
If he really wanted to change
If he really wanted to change things, he'd do it himself, not wait for you to do it for him.
Moving in and thinking you will be the one to enforce rules is a recipe for disaster - it doesn't work, and everyone ends up resentful.
Tell him that you will move in after you see him parenting his kid differently for at least 6 months, then hold him to it.
Honey, you sound like me and
Honey, you sound like me and my dd (now 15) and DH and sd (now 14) I came into the picture when sd was 5, If I could do things over, I would. I would have RAN! My dd is now super depressed, has had suicidal tendencies, and it's awful. Run, change your phone number, NEVER look back.
THIS!
OP please listen to the experienced SM's.
This is absolutely a real
This is absolutely a real fear on my mind and I have caught myself like a 4yo will not do this much damage but then I'm like 4yo's still grow up to be teenagers etc one day. If she is so mean now at 4, and discipline is not working, will she be so mean at 14? I feel like her consistently being mean to my daughter (we don't see her much, but the last 3x in a row we saw her- she was mean) will already do damage to my daughter, even though I've set a pretty good foundation. I really appreciate your comment and sharing your experience as you have been through it. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me
She will only get meaner and
She will only get meaner and sneakier as time goes by. She will never learn to be nice, she'll just find sneaky ways to be mean. My step daughter is only with us eowe, this month she'll be with us 4 out of 5 weekends. Then in July she'll be with us the whole month (minus 1week). I don't blame sd for the depression itself. But I do blame her for causing the break down. yes dd has depression, and ies chemical imbalance, which can't be caused by a person. But sd does make it really hard for dd to feel happy. Dd typically is in a good place now that she id on medicine, but she licks herself in her room mostly when sd is here, or she ends up having panic attacks. Ive scheduled most of her therapist appointments on the weekends that sd is with us and lately that's helped a lot.
Before we moved in, she took one of dd's pair of earrings, that her uncle who was in ther navy bought her from over seas and, well im still not sure where they went. At first I thought that ws an accident, but now looking back at EVERYTHING, I am 99% sure it was on purpose. The first week we moved in together, I cought sd temping dd that DH wasn't her daddy, and that she shouldn't call him that (dd knew DH wasn't her daddy, but she wanted to call him that because she loved him and her father hasn't been around since she was 3months old). The next wk, dd was being silly, mocking a show and walking like a "cupcake" saying "look at me im so cute". Sd gave her a dirty look and said "no, you're ugly." The next wk sd mocked dd because she had really crooked teeth. The next wk she shoved dd when on a recording a video, which dd gave her a small push back. Then she came and told on dd (leaving out the part where she pushed first), we then watched the video and saw the actual truth, that dd only pushed back (and honestly she BARELY pushed, sd SHOVED dd down), they both got in trouble for putting hands on each other, but sd got in more trouble for the deception she tried to pull over on us. The next few weeks she started doing sneaky things in the house (sneaking food, breaking items, ruining kitchen appliances) and blamed dd for each of them. Things just kept escalating. We are taking about a kindergartner. A 5 year old.
Don't let this happen to you, you KNOW she's mean, just do what's best for your daughter, and DON'T marry this guy, please don't.
Wow. How is your dd doing now
Wow. How is your dd doing now? Is it any better since she is not around as often.. or still very dreadful? I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experience with me. I have asked his daughter why she is mean, she really responds with a... "because." She has called people fat, ugly, etc. Then suddenly if she doesn't get her way, she will basically just say "I don't like you" or "I'm not your friend." He does try but like you said, she is mean, I feel like he just missed the mark and it's really hard to essentially undo the damage now.. once you've already instilled the wrong behavior/morals. The other day, she walked up to some random lady and put her CHEWED up sucker on their stroller, and then tried to put it on the lady's baby. I told her to come over right now and she just ignored me and said no. My daughter is only 5 but I know that she would not put anything chewed up when she was 4 on anyone.... unless I'm nuts but I think kids do this like probably a few times around 2/3 and we teach them not to do that/germs/etc.
Sorry you and dd are going through that. I can't imagine being in your position or hers, it has to be really hard. I empathize with you so dearly.
The only thing that has
The only thing that has gotten easier is that DD has learned how to deal with her behavior. Sd hasn't gotten any better. DH thought maybe she needed more attention, so he's spent much more time with her one on one, she's gotten MORE rotten. In thinking we needed more together fun time, I came up with (what I thought was) fun activities. We planned a garden, we tie dyed shirts, we'r went to drive in movies, we made our own "drive in" movies (movie projected on our garage door) and invited friends to come watch, we went to Disney world (twice!). She had fun in the moment, but none of this brought anyone closer.
Wow I'm sorry to hear that
Wow I'm sorry to hear that
it sure is eye opening. And crazy how important it is to be a "similar" parent as our partner. I wish I could come hug you guys and hang out! So we can escape our madness!!
I feel like I am doing my
I feel like I am doing my daughter a disservice by staying with my fiance
Yes. You are doing her a terrible disservice. And despite your best intentions, you most likely will not have the ability or influence to guide your DH into better patenting. It won't happen. Cut your losses now.
Seems easy to make a
Seems easy to make a judgement here. You don't have kids with him, so just leave. I'm assuming that he has his daughter 100% (or near 100%). It would be workable to have a rotten stepchild if it was an every other weekend situation.
If you do decide to stay, which - let's face it - is pretty common here, I'd put your daughter on such a high golden pedestal that she becomes deaf to the words of the stepsibling. Feels like it'd be the only way to keep her self-image in check would be to develop a (holier than thou) attitude in that little girl.
I wouldn't recommend staying in that relationship though.
I hope you are saving up for
I hope you are saving up for therapy for your kid.
Eh, at least I have my own to
Eh, at least I have my own to raise as I see fit, and the genepool of those who have moves forward, when the genepool of those who do not dies out.
Your witty one liners are really old though, considering your not really speaking from experience.
You don’t need to be a BP to
You don’t need to be a BP to know that raising your kid to have a ‘holier than thou’ attitude is going to cause issues. That was terrible advice.
She's going to have to
She's going to have to protect her kid somehow.
Being above the problem usually solves the problem, especially with bullies. I see it all of the time, lol! It's pretty sound advice. Kids usually back off when the kid being bullied doesn't take notice of them anymore, isn't afraid, or isn't afraid to talk back - or over them. Establishing an identity that isn't in the scope of a bully's area of influence usually keeps a bully away.
I'm a middle school teacher.
Teachers don’t always make
Teachers don’t always make the best parents imo. I know plenty of teachers & I can’t say I would want to follow in their parenting footsteps.
There’s a difference between teaching your child to stand up to bullies, and teaching them to be holier than thou. The first is self-confidence, the second is dysfunctional.
As for OP, she could always protect her daughter by leaving her OH. Or insist on separate households while the kids are minors. Raising her child to think she’s ‘above’ other people is a dysfunctional way forward.
I think that it would be
I think that it would be doable if he altered the custody. He has her 80% now but the mother is willing and capable to do it more. I would even be willing to do 40% of the time and set the rules. She can hate me but at least she won't open her mouth if it's something mean. I was constantly trying to help guide her to be nicer etc, but it didn't work. I disengaged and said that his kids are who they are and it's best I remove my children from being around them. It's more like damage control and managing them now than it is instilling any values. But you are right, I don't recommend I stay either. It is hard to leave though. My biggest downfall is that I'm so understanding of why he parents the way he does but that doesn't make it right. For example, he was always talked down to as a child- so he always told his son that he's the best at everything [sports/school/whatever] .. in turn, he created an arrogant kid who would tell children that he is faster than them, smarter than them etc. So his son had no friends. my OH did not have intentions to make him arrogant, he thought he was building self esteem.. I get it.. but it didn't work and he didn't even notice he had an arrogant, mean child. I had to explain to the child that nobody wants a friend like that
We do not live together
Well, you’re off to a better start than most who jump right in to moving in and playing mommy to other people’s children. I commend you.
SFbaby gave you some wonderful advice. Separate yourself and your daughter from him when he’s knee-deep in visitation time, and for the love of all that is holy, don’t move in together.
You are not going to change
You are not going to change them. I've dealt with a lot of sh!t as a SM but I will not tolerate ANYTHING that hurts my BD. That is where I draw a hard line. DH refuses to correct his child's mean behavior and you won't have any authority over her so you're stuck. I would not bring my daughter around his kid again.
Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel so much better being heard and so thankful for finding this blog. Even with authority over her, I got no change. She would go back around her BM and my OH - alone - and then come right back to being mean. I'm not comfortable spanking someone else's child even though he told me I could. (sorry for all the non spankers out there) Putting her in time out just makes her hate me instead of realizing what she did was wrong. Telling her father to come intervene has the same effect.
Yeah, it really needs to come
Yeah, it really needs to come from the bio parents, preferably both of them. If she is going back to BM's and she is reenforcing this behavior, it's going to keep happening. You said BM is mean herself so SD is just doing what she is learning from her mother. Your DH has to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR to her that her behavior is NOT acceptable in his house, regardless of what is acceptable at her mom's. The bullying behavior will only get worse as she gets older. If DH refuses to put his foot down, you really have no choice but to end it with him. Your kid comes first.
Don't delude yourself into
Don't delude yourself into thinking 40% custody will be better than 80%. It could be worse, depending on how BM's parenting is. That mean skid can do a lot of damage to your child even if she's only around 40% of the time.
Take off any rose colored
Take off any rose colored glassss off and be honest with yourself. Do you really think she’s going to change? Do you really want to go thru this X50 when she’s a teen? Get out while you can. Yes it will be difficult, but YOUR kids come first, you are their protector. They don’t deserve this.
IMO
you have to recall your responsibilities towards your daughter and it will become easy and clear. You are responsible for your daughter, for her health and well being.
If my DH’s boy would raise a finger against my daughter, believe me, he would remember that day for his whole life and will never see her again, despite all half sibling bull*it that someone could say.
Feel for you
I would remove myself as fast as possible so you and your kids don’t continue to attach emotionally more and more as happens with passing time.
If the 5-year old’s already like this, as someone also said, imagine what a joy those teenage times will be.
When you’re dating an amazing guy, remind yourself you love the guy but you have to love the whole situation. After all, the kids are in his life and trust me even though they may be eventually be out of the house, they will definitely still be in his life. And yours.
Great advice. You are right.
Great advice. You are right. I guess it also makes me sad at the thought of him iwth someone else, but maybe after all he belongs with someone who doesn't mind poor behaved children. There are tons of other people out there who think bad behavior is "funny" or don't mind it.
I'm late to the party here
I'm late to the party here and everyone else has already given good feedback.
This child most likely has a genetic predisposition to bad temperament. Coupled with a BM who is egging her on to disobey and disrespect both you and SO, and an SO who is a weak disciplinarian, there really is no hope.
DH and I got together when SD was 5, and I really tried to step in and give her some loving that was missing in her relationship with her psychopathic mother, but it was all for nothing. She has continued to get more devious and narcissistic. She is now 15 and lives with us fulltime, and I live in my bedroom only. Three years to go.
If I had to do this over again, I would live separate from DH until she was out of the house.
Wow. That is exactly exactly
Wow. That is exactly exactly exactly what I tried to do. To a T. When I first met him, I spent 24/7 with his kids, I tried everything. I loved them and disciplined them, held them to high expectations (reasonable) etc. I treated like they were my own and I invested so much love into them. I had 0 return on my investment. I ended up telling him I felt like they were taking a piece out of me, and in turn that was taking from my own children... and all for what? nothing.
I really resonate with everything you said. It's hard because he understands but does not. I'm not saying I would give up on the child (trying to change her) but I would rather we take her for what it is and say you can not behave that way here and if you do, you will be miserable (grounded etc) the entire time you are here, even if mean once. Ideally I would want to live separate but I feel like he wouldn't go for that, that gives us a whole 13 yrs until she is 18 lol.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and tell me your story, I really feel so understood and less alone and less crazy. It's not that we don't love any skids, it's just when is enough, enough.