Marriage is falling apart.
I don’t usually go in search of help or support, but I don’t know what else to do at this point.
I’m stepdad to a 17 year old and 11 year old. Been marrie: since 2016, but together since 2012. The girls have 2 different dads, oldest has little contact (just found out about social media contact) and the younger has standard visitation. Neither dad pays support, court system is a joke in enforcement. I’ve been the only income for 2 years, wife recently graduated and is preparing to enter workforce, but I just caught our oldest daughter in a mess of lies.
We’ve had suspicion for months that she wasn’t telling the truth about where she was going or what she was doing, I went through her phone without her knowing and found some proof of lies, showed my wife, she tried to hint that we knew she was lying and get her to change her behavior, that didn’t work, so I took her phone and her keys, and my wife is angry at me because it’s an inconvenience to her to drive our daughter to work and pick her up. I agree and told her that she has no need to work since she got the job to help pay for her insurance and phone anyway. But I was told this isn’t a productive way to handle it. She wants me to give her the keys back and “make sure she’s going where she’s supposed to be” which short of bugging the car which I can’t really afford to add another bill for that service, or trying to rely on the phone location services that she has already deactivated once before leaves me to driving to where she says she will be and making sure she’s actually there.
I feel disrespected by the daughters actions, and even more disrespected by my wife’s issue with the consequences that were decided and told to the stepdaughter before she was given the keys in the first place.
Marriage isn’t in a good place, I feel as though we aren’t equal and there is a double standard to where she can issue punishment as she pleases, but any consequences I impose are always wrong.
Sorry this is a lot for the first post, but I’m lost.
-spiralingstepdad
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They aren't your kids, and
They aren't your kids, and you shouldn't be paying for them. Has she tried to enforce Child Support? In my state, if you don't pay, you lose your driver's license, tax return is taken, etc - how are they getting away with not paying?
Disciplining stepkids just leaves everyone resentful, don't do it. Let your wife handle her daughters as she sees fit, you get to just stay out it.
Fear
She refuses to push the issue because she is afraid they will get primary custody out of it. I told her it’s separate from support and ridiculous to think that the deadbeat that owes $24,000 would get more custody from child support enforcement.
I figured - it's not the
I figured - it's not the court system, they go after deadbeat dads like dogs on raw meat. So you have to pay because she won't push the issue.
Now, they could file for more time in retaliation for her asking for back support, but they aren't likely to get it (except the father of the 17 yo, she can probably go where ever she likes at her age).
It’s both
Court ordered him to pay, it got set up, he quit the job after a few payments and now works under the table. I tell her they’ll put him in jail for avoiding and could get him for tax fraud if they looked hard enough, but we called the attorney and they wanted $3500 to file a motion for enforcement, and I don’t have it, especially if they’re just going to set it up and let him quit the job again.
In my state, you can fill out
In my state, you can fill out the form in crayon and get the hearing date set, especially a woman going after a man for back support. It might be very easy for her to file without an attorney.
I don’t know for sure,
I don’t know for sure, obviously I can’t do anything about it and she refuses to. She tells me I’m resentful and hateful toward her when I talk about how they should be paying, but I’m complaining about them...guess she thinks I’m taking it out on her but it’s extemely frustrating to drop off SD 11 in a 1995 vehicle that only still runs because I am mechanically incline and have nearly rebuilt it while he picks her up in a brand new car.
A Waste of Money
Court orders do not mean a thing. I spent 15k on a lawyer and went to court only to win a STAY - Nothing changed,.
50/50 court ordered visitation guess what she never comes over and moved in with mommy because we have rule.
DONT waste your money
I tried staying out of it,
I tried staying out of it, but the vehicle she drives is in my name, as is the insurance policy, and I’m not going to allow her to continue driving around after going to parties doing who knows what. Wife says she needs the car to go back and forth to work, but she only worked to help pay her car insurance and phone and do whatever else she wanted to (supposed to be saving for a better car for commuting, but I guess she assumes me or her mother will foot the bill on that when she graduates).
Forgot to mention
whenever she gets mad at me she calls me names, POS, SOB, psycho, narcissist, tells me my family is crazy, in front of the kids. Not gonna lie, when she starts yelling at me in front of the kids I try to avoid it, try not to participate, but often she just gets worse until I start yelling back. I don’t go hang out with friends for fear of being accused of cheating or avoiding her, hell I don’t really even have many friends.
You are being abused.
You are being abused.
I hate to say it, but sounds
I hate to say it, but sounds like she is being verbally and financially abusive. The expectations of you are insane - fully supporting a family of 4 and doing a bunch of housework. I'd be so resentful that your wife isn't going after the dads for child support.
I think it's time to flip the script. Pull your financing. And force those tough conversations.
Yea
I guess I do resent the fact that she doesn’t go after it, she says I’m resentful and hateful to her always, but I really don’t hate her, I hate the deadbeats, esp SD11 deadbeat, he picks her up in a brand new car, likes to make snarky comments when picking her up and dropping her off, takes her on trips every other weekend, and buys her whatever she asks for, then a lot of times keeps the good clothes she wore over there (to “wash” them, even after being told we would rather wash them ourselves) and sends her back in $1 flip flops and clothes that are dirty and too small for her. I mean, I make sure nobody does without anything they need, and most of what they want, but an extra $300 a month would go a long way. And yea $300 is low, the lawyer told my wife she could have it changed after the mediation, but didn’t tell her it would cost another $3500 to go back and change it.
You seem like a good man who
You seem like a good man who just wanted to provide for his family and be respected and appreciated. If it came to the total disrespect like calling you names and not considering your opinion and all the other things you’ve said I don’t even know what keeps you guys together. One of my guy friends once told me “I’ll stay with her if she is nice to me sometimes at least and wants to have sex with me” you don’t have neither.
Sometimes
Sometimes it’s good, and when it is it’s great, but when it’s not good it’s hell. Not really an inbetween.
Again
you are being manipulated and played like a fiddle. Look up "gaslighting" and shrink4men
According to her, her ex was
According to her, her ex was a narcissist that mentally abused her, he’s a real sack of shit for sure that makes up any kind of lie to draw a reaction (we’ve long since stopped responding to any of it) but he claimed she was mentally abusive throughout the divorce as well... she read all sorts of books about gaslighting and narcissism and would tell me about stuff he did. But she also accuses me of being just like him and tells me my family are my flying monkeys and that I twist everything she says to make her sound crazy. It’s really been a trip. Idk what to believe anymore, I know that I don’t wish her or the kids any ill will, I just really wanted it to work out, but it’s like the harder I try the more impossible it becomes.
Keep in Mind
there are two sides to every story. Several posters on this forum admit that their spouses had HELPED their ex-wives to alienate children from their father by the ex-wife (BM). They bought the "he was soooooo abusive and not fit to see his children" That was a HUGE RED FLAG because they turned around and did it to baby daddy 1, 2, etc. etc.
Yes there are some parents who are deadbeats (per capita there are far more deadbeat non custodiial MOMS than DADS because the court has a double standard for men) In my state it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE for a MAN to get away with not paying HUGE CS.
However they will let a non custodial BM slide and get off the hook.
If your buddy told you that
If your buddy told you that his relationship was great most of the time, but sometimes his wife would beat the sh*t out of him, would you tell him to stay or get out?
What if she only cheated when she was at the annual Christmas party or at conference?
Gambled away the house payment a few times a year?
Love isn't enough. Relationships are about quality, not quantity. Everyone has fights when they live with someone 24/7, but the key is that those fights and disagreements are RESPECTFUL. Name calling isn't respectful; it's toxic and abusive. Controlling your money by not working isn't respectful; it's toxic and abusive. Accusing you of cheating to manipulate you isn't respectful; it's toxic and abusive.
There should be ZERO toxic and abusive behavior accepted in a relationship. When it pops up, it has to be dealt with immediately either through therapy/rehab that fixes the problem long-term the first time OR ending the relationship.
Your wife doea not have your best interests at heart. It doesn't matter that it's great 70% of the time when the other 30% is toxic and abusive. Your wife is abusing you so she can use you. Accusing you of cheating means you come home every night and never leave to be with people who could boost your confidence. Not working means you don't have money to spend on your own needs so you can't leave. Berating you beats you down mentally so you can't see through the fog to want to leave.
Those times when she is sweet to you? It's called love bombing. It's not real, and it's another tactic to keep you there. It's used to keep your hormones off balance so that you basically become an addict to the relationship. The high of things being good is so high that you'll put up with the sh*t just for the good feeling again. It convinces you things are good because it can feel SO GOOD when it's good. And it feels SO GOOD because you NEVER get to feel that good except when the other person wants you to feel it.
Take this advice from someone who has been there: sell SD's car and put the money down on a new apartment. Either move into the apartment or put your wife and her kids there. Either way, get them OUT. Get separation papers ready first so that your wife can't financially ruin you further during the divorce, take her off everything that you have joint accounts on, and close out anything exclusively hers that you pay for. Do ALL of this at the same time so that she has few ways to retaliate.
This. Isn't. Okay.
I think
I think you are not realizing who is a real bad guy in this situation. You blame kid’s BFs for not paying and it is indeed bad. But it is your wife, who does not want to do anything about this situation. And you know why ? Because she simply has enough with your money.
Believe me, as a single mom she would look for a job, she would go to court and she would act differently, when it is HER car that is used for some stupid things. As of now she has no interest to change anything, she can sleep as long as she wants, give you orders on how to deal with her kids etc etc.
And you also are responsible here, by allowing them to do so. You have no rights nor responsibility towards these kids. Your wife is an adult and has to be working, especially if she has two kids without CS. Letting her graduate while you work to provide for 4 people is a luxury, she has to be grateful to you. Many people, including myself when I was graduating, are working at the same time as they study.
What does this marriage means to you? What positive things do you have out of it?
You're being used. Your wife
You're being used. Your wife is not a good person. Stop blaming the deadbeat dads and put the blame where it belongs - on your wife who'd rather bleed you dry than rock the boat with her exes. She is abusive and appears to be the common denominator in all these relationships gone bad.
Scrape together your self respect and get out before you waste more of your life and resources on this woman and HER children. Get a good lawyer who will fight for you because I'm sure she'll be fighting hard against you. Good luck.
So this chick, at nearly 30,
So this chick, at nearly 30, vagmaitized a 20 year old and convinced him to play daddy to her preteens? Uhg. Except "daddy" to her meant paying for everything. Don't you dare complain about her kids. Just fork over your paychecks and STFU. No wonder she targeted a man child (at the time) to groom. Abusive people choose those they think are vulnerable and easy to manipulate.
You were very smart to put the brakes on breeding with this one. She will work for a month or two and find some lame ass excuse to quit. Having this degree will not change the fact that she is a lazy fucking waste. She couldn't even get her kids to school on time and sleeps all day. Is she on drugs? Booze? Or is she just naturally a piece of shit?
Dude, you are 27 years old. That's still a year younger than I was when I married my husband. That's 7 years younger than I was when I had my first child. Get your self esteem back and dump this broad and her girls before you're expected to support grandbabies, too. (And trust me, that's going to happen very soon.)
You are 27?! You have your
You are 27?! You have your whole life ahead of you. And you do not have to live it this way.
Take an entire day to
Take an entire day to yourself (get a hotel room if you have to) and write the pros & cons of this marriage. You may see that being with your ungrateful wife has a lot of cons and not worth the time, energy, and committment that you have put in. She's taking you for granted and you are not obligated to take care of HER daughters.
I try not to feel used, but when I tell her we don’t have money for something I’m accused of not providing
^^^^^^^^^The audacity that your wife has to accuse YOU of not providing. If its that serious she should have continued working full time and go to school part-time. You have enabled a lot of her behavior and none of them have respect for you. Time to start making some decisions on your future and consider if remaining in this marriage is what you want. I don't see you gaining anything from this toxic relationship.
You can do bad all by yourself and I'm sure there is someone out there that would be grateful to have someone as supportive as you and not be verbally abusive.
Your wife is just a sack of
Your wife is just a sack of shit. Flush that shit out of your life and don’t look back.