The perfect time to meet the in-laws would have been at the wedding. Oh, that's right, you weren't invited. Didn't the in-laws find it odd that you weren't at the wedding?

I can't imagine why your husband or his son would think that you are now interested in playing happy family.

his parent in laws must have realised hang on something is off where was your stepmum and oh we’d love to meet her... he thinks sincse you’ve tolerated his bad behaviour and typical stepcrap all this time that you’ll shut up and go along... no way in hell hun!! You have a right to that!! Don’t get suckered in.

when my 1st child was a month ol, i told hubby never would i be present at any engagement or wedding ceremony of skids. Hubby is asian and in our culture when a kid is serious about a girl or guy the families meet one another and they basically confirm the person is of good character. Ha!! Fat chance i will sit through that bs and hubby knows it. 

I know hubbys family would lie and at most tell the family skids had a horrible bio mum and to be patient, no one will say what horrible people they are, their manipulation and narcissm, rudeness, disrespect etc...

since hubby is quite well off, they can’t piss him off and they would trying to exclude me from any ceremony. Hubby doesn’t want to be at any event exwife will be at meaning engagements, wedding ceremony and reception and skids at that point will have to explain to inlaws why their stepmum and half siblings were not at these events, it raises major questions and if they lie, it won’t take long for the inlaws to figure out skids and their mum are so dysfunctional and messed up.. 

hubbys family will realise me and our kids no longer attend any events skids are at and will ask hubby and skids questions and hubby will be forced to admit the truth.

i have told hubby if he wanted me to go along to this meeting the family part and expect i shut my mouth and hear them lie that skids are so great etc they are so wrong!!

where sd’s are from in asia they actually need hubby to give them away, he physically in person must sign the marriage papers. They can’t bypass this unless hubby gives permission to someone else. Also me and our kids will be living in my country as they’ll be in school and fat chance i will go out of my way for skids or pull my kids out of school for their wedding. 

Exwife is so unstable and vindictive and caused so much pain it’s unforgivable that hubby never wants to see her ever again. But selfish skids will always try to play imaginary happy family and tell dad to suck it up and play nice at the wedding when in reality bio mum starts and causes the issues. I don’t think hubby is in a place to suck it up for the sale of his kids with ex. They are such a disappointment, narcissistic and so brainwashed and pas’d out that there is no longer a relationship in place, just crumbs... probably have a few more years to go before the eldest 2 marry.... we’ll see then

You dont get invited to his wedding , but now you are invited to meet with the in laws. I would go! Normally I would say the opposite. Have fun with it, be absolutely charming and kind. BUT be totally honest if they ask you why you were not at the wedding. You can phrase it in a humble way, with no bitterness. SS will end up looking like the a** he is. 

I wouldn't go, personally.  He doesn't get to pick and choose when you are acceptable to him. 

Your DH should have said something to him about not inviting you. 

You're not being stubborn. In fact you're creating boundaries and for your H to feel that you should attend after his son blatantly kept you out is crazy. To heck with SS and his in-laws. Your H can go and have fun but you shouldn't feel obligated to.

I am torn.  Part of me would want to go so the in-laws could form their own opinion of me and to be able to say I wasn't invited to the wedding.  But another part of me would be thinking "screw you - you can't pick and choose.  Either you accept me or you don't."

so the in-laws could form their own opinion of me and to be able to say I wasn't invited to the wedding. 

I can see your reason for the above but who cares what the in-laws think. Whether its good or not it still won't change anything.

Like Stepaside-1987, I was torn, also. At first, I thought, "No way would I go."

Then I thought, "Maybe I would go and set a few things straight."

But, I think I wouldn't go. I mean, if the SS is so rude, I wouldn't want to do family stuff with them on a regular basis so who cares what they think, anyway? How often would I be seeing them?

Then, I was thinking that if your husband thinks it's soooo important for you to meet them, he can invite them over, without his son and DIL, and just the four of you can have a little get together. That might be interesting!

In the end, I would not be summoned by SS.

I wouldn't go. And I would use this as an opportunity to school and draw boundaries with your H.

Skids do what they do, and we have the right to limit our exposure to them and their nasty ways. But your H pressuring you to eat excrement, accept mistreatment, and then pander to SS' wishes by meeting his new in-laws is the real issue. This smacks of cake eating to me, and presents a choice: either attend, thereby participating in the rugsweeping, pretending, and playing Happy Family; or decline, pointing out to your H that there are unresolved issues needing to be addressed that make this social interaction inappropriate.

Your issue is an example of why stepparents must keep their own counsel, stand up for themselves, and cannot rely on their partners to have sound judgement or put the marriage first.  

In my 30's I would have done everything I could to make EVERYTHING right because 'it's what you do'

In my early 40's I would have done my best to keep the peace with situations like this....

Now...Nope. just nope. ESPECIALLY if someone was rude to me over and over again. No thanks. I dont have to put myself in it  and I wont.

JMO of course.

DH was at the wedding. The in-laws were there. Where did they think you were? What did DH say to them? Either SS or DH gave an excuse for your absence.

While SS apparently has been a turd in other ways.. do you think that maybe his mommy pulled the strings on the guest list.  maybe did a bit of manipulation of her own?  "I won't go if THAT WOMAN is there"?

Honestly, I would probably go because holding on to the bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.  I would go.. be charming.. be honest.  I wasn't invited.... sorry I didn't get a chance to meet you then.

Maybe they are lovely people.. and you will gain allys.. maybe they are trolls twice removed.. and you can avoid all future visits.

"My husband is putting pressure on me to meet them and I just don't want to!"

Then don't.  It sounds like you've already done enough kow towing for ss and your husband.  I'm sure the inlaws are lovely people and are probably curious and would like to meet you, thus the invitation, but this is your life and you get to decide who you will form relationships with.   

For whatever reason you were not invited to the wedding. You were purposefully excluded from a major family event and now after the fact you're being drawn in.  I personally would decline. There would be no fighting, no bringing up the wedding exclusion, no drama, just a disinterst in all things ss.  

Your DH has his loyalties all screwed up.  He needs to collect his balls form his prior relationship spawn and figure out where his support belongs.

If he can't do these things.... you may want to consider finding a man who is far more able to be your equity life partner than your current DH is.

No, you are not being unreasonable. That  your DH and his toxic spawn want to pimp you to the new ILs as a character reference for his prick of an adult SS is nauseating.

Just NO!

So many super intelligent and valid reasons to go/not go.

I am on the fence as well!

Go: be the wonderful person you are and shine like a superstar. Put the nasty little chit SS in his place. In your absence people will judge you wrongly. Explain calmly why you were rudely treated and not invited to the wedding.

Dont Go: make a day of joy for yourself, instead of nervously anticipating an event that is engineered by the chitty SS. Let HiM and DH explaine why your presence is not there, for any family functions. Dont allow anyone to pressure you into something you dont want to do  -you dont owe them anything. Spend time with friends and family you actually enjoy, who love and respect you.

Or, what Rags said, leave the DH who has allowed you to be so mistreated by his spawn. He didnt have your back before, he is pressuring you now, and therefore doesnt have your back now. What about the future? I dont know your history (welcome to steptalk!) but Im certain there is a solid history of mistreatment. Flee! You are still able to have a great life.

My then SO pressured me to attend Toxic Feral Check Forgers high school graduation 2 years ago. She claimed not to have a ticket, all her tix were used up for 2 aunties, 2 cousins, mom and dad and sister. I was like "great! I have so many other ways to spend my time!!!"

ThenSo-NowDH was insistent that I go, and refused to go if I was not invited. She somehow procured a new ticket. She presented it to me "please go, I waited in a really long line for this".

Guess how the day went? Left work early (used some vacay time), sat for 2 hours waiting for ceremony, then 2 hour ceremony, hot sun, no water, hard bench, no thank yous. LOL. Yeah. Awesome. And she barely graduated, her grades were so horrid. And she is no longer part of my life, nor I in hers. I coudnt imagine if there were any weddings or children associated with her.

So, let us know what you decide! Good luck.

they both were fine with you not being invited to the wedding but now you are supposed to show support?  wow.  the nerve of these nasty step kids and husbands to think we are just available at their discretion.  so inconsiderate.

Your DH pressuring you to go is ridiculous after the wedding non-invite.  When my DH’s kids called to have dinner but only with him (and specifically said Mountains is not invited), he said no.  They called back and said ok, Mountains can come.  He said “thanks but no thanks”.  It really told the kids where I stood in our marriage.  I hope your DH will support you like that one day. 

I personally wouldn't go.mHe can't pick and chose when he wants you. If he didn't think enough of you to invite him to the wedding I wouldn't met them with him. I would say though that you'd love to met them without him, and with your husband. If they ask why say that he didn't invite you to the wedding and leave it at that.,be so nice,too, as I'm sure you are. Do not take it personally that he didn't invite you I will never get an invite to my step daughters wedding either. Best of luck 

I'm new to this forum, so I hope I'm not stepping on toes.  I'm a floored that your DH attended his son's wedding when his wife was NOT invited!  How is this okay, sorry?  Your husband should have made it very clear to his son that no way was this acceptable!

As for dinner with SS's in-laws - I get it, I've spent years interacting with people hoping they could form their own judgement, but that's part of my insecurities.  At the end of the day, IF you were not "family" to be including in their wedding, why would you be "family" to attend this dinner - unless the wedding was so small (like at a courthouse).  JMO Good luck, you're worth more!