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ErinH's picture

Submitted by ErinH on Tue, 05/14/2019 - 4:57pm

I am looking for some words of wisdom.  The way my 21 year old step daughter treats her dad totally gets under my skin and I don't know how to not let it!  

She is passive aggresive, whiney, and expects dad to save her from every little problem... which he does, so I don't blame her for that one... but I still find it so annoying!  Thankfully she doesn't live with us anymore, but is still "around" a fair bit.  When asked to do even the littlest thing (like put her stuff in our storage space below the house), she either whines and complains or does a crappy job... or both!

My husband is beyond kind and gentle and far more patient than I am!  He makes excuses for her and rescues her and feeds the whiney baby-talk.

I am terrible at keeping my mouth shut!  I say how I am feeling and try to have a conversation about this stuff with him, but he shuts down.

Help!  This is hurting our relationship... and I strongly suspect is not going to end anytime soon!  I know I can't change him or her, so what CAN I do???

Comments

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 05/14/2019 - 5:16pm

Firstly - read other posts on here. Therin lies your answer! This situation is not new or particularly different, you are not alone.

It doesnt really get better unless your partner is on the same page as you are. It takes two of you. Otherwise there is no wind in the sail for the boat to move forward.

How long have you two been married and together? Its your husbands fault for princess's behavior, and she will continue until he puts stop to it.

Keep reading, and you will have many great suggestions. One suggestion is to have a talk with princess. This probably wont work, but it might. Or if she is around, amke plans so you dont have to see the bad behavior, so it doesnt get on your nerves. If DH wants to coddle and serve, let him do it on his own time. If she wants your help with her stuff, she needs to do it on your terms, or not at all. No is a complete answer. Yes you will be the bad guy, but at least she will have boundaries.

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

ErinH's picture

Submitted by ErinH on Thu, 05/16/2019 - 6:08pm

Thanks!  We've been married 5 years.  I really appreciate your suggestions! And you are absolutely right!  SO many of the situations described on this site sound earily familiar.  Misery loves company?  Ha!

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Tue, 05/14/2019 - 7:14pm

I have a similar problem. My SD has been allowed to be “boss.” It is appalling to me how she speaks to her father. Calls him selfish and lazy. But he has allowed it, although he has made some improvements in the last yeR or so. 

Whenever I find myself getting irritated, I ask myself if the situation affects me. Usually it doesn’t so I busy myself with other things and don’t say anything to DH. He can handle it however he wants to. 

But when it DOES affect me — time, money, DH’s obligations to me— I do speak up to him. I rarely criticize his kids as that gets us nowhere. I am more likely to address the situation with what I will or will not do (DH, while I truly appreciate SD’s help, I am not going to contribute to her vacation in Hawaii.) Or, I address the situation with how DH’s actions affect me. (DH, when you spend our date night texting or talking to your kids, I feel like you don’t want to be out with me.)

ErinH's picture

Submitted by ErinH on Thu, 05/16/2019 - 6:09pm

I am totally going to be asking myself, "Does it affect me?"  I really appreciate your thoughts! Thanks!

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 05/14/2019 - 7:15pm

She doesn't live there anymore, so just keep your distance, be civil, and have as little to do with her as possible.  She's his problem to fix, not yours.  He probably won't stop doing what he's doing, but that's OK - just go about your life and let him deal with her.