Keeping secrets and withholding information.
I was wondeirng if I was being controlling/possesive, if I am in the wrong or if I should be concerned. I found out my gf's ex husband came over to her house last week twice. He came to drop his kids off however I later found out he hung out for half and hour and played video games with his son. I also found out on another occasion he brought he groceires over and dinner and stayed for dinner. Normally I wouldn't care because it's not like I think she's sleeping with her ex while her kids are there. However we talk daily and she did not mention it to me and left it out of the conversation completely. I later found out about it when one of her kids mentioned it. When I asked her why she didn't mention it to me she got angry and blew up at me. She accused me of being jealous and said "do I have to tell you every little thing?" I also found out she had a work lunch with a single male coworker who is also a single dad whom later she expressed wanting to hang out with as friends as her daughter really liked his son when they ran into one another at an event. All she mentioned was she has lunch with a coworker. She left out the details that he was a single, father and that her duaghter had met his son etc. When I mentioned she should've mentioned that to me she again blew up at me and called me jealous and possesive. Now please tell me if I am being jealous or possesive by wanting her to mention these things to me when they happen as I think it's odd that she left that out. I've always encouraged her to have friends, a social life, etc and love that she is a very independent woman. I've only been accused of being jealous and possesive once before and that was by a girlfriend who I later found out was cheating on me with multiple people. I do think that left some scars. Anyone's thoughts on this?
Shady. Major red flags here.
Shady. Major red flags here. Of course she should be mentioning these things to you, especially if you talk daily. At what point when you two were having your daily conversation did she forget to mention her ex was over at her house? There's a big difference between her not mentioning that she had chicken parmasean for dinner and that her ex was at her house hanging out, playing video games or having dinner. She's getting defensive because she got caught and doesn't know what to say.
What she is doing is not only
What she is doing is not only completely inappropriate but she is also gas lighting you and manipulating. Her ex should not be in her house hanging out, bringing her dinner, having dinner, playing video games, etc. period! It should not be happening. She is allowing her ex to violate major boundaries. Also having lunch with opposite sex friends that you have never met and disguising it as a work lunch is suspect. This is probably why she never mentioned the whole story to you either. You will probably never know the whole story. Her reactions towards you when you mention these things are emotionally abusive. She has anger issues and is very manipulative. This woman is not trusthworthy nor healthy to be around. Run!
I'm not sure what is going on
I'm not sure what is going on with your girlfriend but her withholding information is just as bad as lying and if she will lie to you once she will do it again. She is not trustworthy and also sounds very manipulative. She does not have good boundaries with members of the opposite sex and it sounds like she has not moved on from her first marriage. These are not good qualities in a future wife.
Lying by ommission
I'm sure she purposely left out that information to you and yes she blows up to deflect it away from her and her you to stop talking about it.
I'm sure if you went for lunch with a single female co-worker and told her that you had lunch with just a co-worker and she found out more information, she would be upset especially if you were on top of that being very vague on interactions with your ex.
If after a long chat she cant accept that what she did was wrong I would reevaluate the relationship.
I regularly have lunch with
I regularly have lunch with men ; friends and co-workers. I don't feel the need to hide it. Dh knew I had male friends when we met, and when we started dating he had met them. I just tell him oh hey, made plans for lunch with so and so...you ok with that? Or...ran into so and so, we grabbed coffee and caught up on life, and I tell him about whatever updates.
Co-workers.. I'm in management. It's just part of the job to squeeze in productive lunch meetings... we're sitting in the caf of a secure building. I don't always mention it... but I don't avoid it either... because dh doesn't care to hear about boring work stuff... I'll tell him I had a work lunch and he'll ask..with (female worker) J or (male worker) A... sometimes it's A, sometimes J, sometimes both.
It's more in conversation.... if it doesn't come up it doesn't come up... but it's not hidden in any way.
Dh and i bith live by: if you wouldn't want your SO to know you're doing something because you don't want to justify why you're doing it, you probably shouldn't be doing it.
I don't mind "justifying" that I had lunch with A because it was the only time to meet... just like I don't mind "justifying" that I ran into my kids dad on the bus and we chatted on the way home.. because it's not an issue... generally when someone hangs out with someone "in secret", there's a dynamic that would be broken if found out.
Not saying she's cheating, but she probably hasn't wrapped her head around the boundaries she's crossing. What would her reaction be if one of your exes hung out with you in secret? There's NOTHING that's under the excuse of "for the kids" that equals the need for secrecy... if it needs to be kept secret, it ain't "for the kids".
Yes, it's the secrecy that's
Yes, it's the secrecy that's the issue, not going to lunch with a coworker or having the ex over to dinner.
But is she secretive because you react with jealousy otherwise? I would have zero issue with DH going to lunch with a single female coworker - he's done it, and in fact his best friend is a single female. But I trust him, so I don't worry about that. The ex thing - that seems like a bit much to me, but I don't know what it's like to have a spouse with a normal ex.
You have to sort out whether she's being secretive because she fears your reaction, or she's being secretive because she's up to something. Are you normally a jealous person? If not, then it's time to move on from this one.
Maybe. I am not normally a
Maybe. I am not normally a jealous guy and have encouraged her to see her friends, have a social life and I love her independence. I think I was surprised by a few things that happened early in the relationship. I caught her lying to me about little things and when I would confront her she would get angry and continue to lie and act like I was crazy and would yell at me. She also took off to visit a male friend that I had never met in order to spite me. We were disagreeing over parenting stuff and she wouldn't talk to me and I had no idea why. She decided to book a trip out of town and not invite me and stay with a male friend of hers. Although I do not believe anything happened it messed with my head a bit. I also found out she had been having her ex over without telling me which was odd too. I would not have cared but the fact that I found out about it weeks later and she failed to mention it to me didn't feel right. She will say she doesnt have to tell me everything and she is right but I dont undertsand her not mentioning that.
She knows it was wrong and
She knows it was wrong and that is why she didn’t say anything. I hate when people lie by omission like that, and then gaslight you. Does she tell you about girl friends she has lunches with or does she keep that to herself?! (That answer she tell you a lot).
I could *possibly* see the playing video games thing maybe not registering to say anything but then dinner thing... no way.
Our “jealousy” is often a sense that we get that tells us that something isn’t right. In today’s society we are told way too often o suppress jealousy and our gut instincts. Sometimes people go overboard with it, sure.... but I think just as often it is because there is an actual red flag.
Dump her
There's so much wrong here. Staying with a male friend? She seems to have many male friends, and is trying to meet more. Using the kid as an excuse. I was dating someone like this years ago. I was the jealous one, lied to my face and yes blew up or threatened me when I got suspicious. He didn't work with females but seemed to have no probelm going to happy hour with them etc. Finally the light came on, me and a girlfriend followed him after work. Didn't take long to find out he was cheating on me. I guess I just needed to confirm it before I boke it off.
Some women feel they need
Some women feel they need constant attention from men. Sounds like this worm is happy to have so many fish circling her. Ew.
Ew is right.
Ew is right.
Unfortunately, the only way
Unfortunately, the only way you can find out if she's cheating is to take a chance and wait it out. You will have to invest more time to know for sure. If that makes you feel too insecure, you can move on now and save your sanity. But how can anyone here tell you what she's up to? For every person who really IS cheating, there's another too-jealous person sinking a perfectly good relationship imagining the worst of their girlfriend/boyfriend.
You know her better than we do -- does she seem like a cheater? Has she admitted cheating in her past? Is she solid in every other way except leaving out the part about who's sitting across from her at lunch? Is there any reason to think she and the ex might be reconsidering their split? So much of this is context, and only you know the context.
You may be too jealous. She may be too flirty. Or it may be a combination of both, which doesn't make you a great match, especially if either is unwilling to compromise. But you're not married, so this could be a good test for your relationship -- how do you two handle sticky situations that may be more about perception than reality? If you ask her to be more open about who she sees so you don't feel this way, and she is more open, great! You, as a couple, passed that test. If she tells you she can't live with your jealousy, and you find a way to reduce the jealousy, great! You passed the test. So you could use this to gauge how well you and she handle adversity.
At the same time, you might want to keep your suspicions to yourself so you can keep an eye on her. If you really dig her, go for it. If you aren't convinced she's a keeper anyway, why put yourself through the stress of it?
I agree. I have no way of
I agree. I have no way of finding out if she is a cheater. I have caught her lying about little things before and when I question her about it she flips out and will still flat lie ot my face.
Flipping out on you when you
Flipping out on you when you ask questions is a great big no. Seems like, at minimum, she lacks sufficient communication skills to maintain a healthy relationship.
There are jealousies, insecurities, and suspicions in most relationships. How partners deal with them is a huge indication of the health of the relationship. Apparently she is ok with you feeling less than secure as long as she gets to do whatever she wants without questions.
Im not one to say “run” when there’s a rough spot, but I think I’d have my eyes wide open and be evaluating if this is the person I want to spend the rest of time with.
Move on
A lot wrong here. I wouldn't stay with someone that was allowing the ex that much assess inside the home. She has no business having lunches with single co-workers. A group yes, otherwise she is "looking". I would dump her and date someone honest with better morals. Liars and cheaters are the worst.
A lie of omission is still a
A lie of omission is still a lie.
And.. if it looks like a dog, wags it's tail like a dog, smells like a dog, scratches like a dog, and barks like a dog... it is a dog.
The same applies to sneaky mainipulative liars.
She is a write off. Move on.