My wifes relationship with her daughter

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Hello everyone or anyone. I am new to this forum. I found this site from googling behaviors from my wife and her daughter. This forum seemed to be chatting about the same problems ive had in several years now. Only difference is, its my wife mollycoddlying her daughter instead of the many opposite topics i see here wher the father does the same with daughter.

I have been with my wife 9 years now and married 6. Her daughter was 13 when we first met. Things went very smoothly for about the first year. My wife almost worshipped me. In this first year i did lots of stuff with the 2 of them, never wanting her daughter to feel left out. I did notice some bad behavior patterns with her. Seemed like anytime she went out with friends, there was always some kind of conflict. I notice these patterns often.

after the first year, she met a new friend in the beginning of the Summer. She basically dumper her old friend in a mean manner. It was disgusting the way she treate this good friend of hers at one time. My SD continued to hang with this new friend and started to sense some new freedom. She was always spending the night there and rarely ever came home. This prompted my wife to chase after her and in return, i started to notice the power SD was manipulating from her mother. This was the beginning of my problems because my wife hasnt stopped chasing her. Its sickening! We have been through so many arguments throughout the last 5 years or more. My SD is lazy, and she has always been a taker, never reciprocating because Mom is always sweeping up after her. She has alwasy avoided any type on manual labor, always finding simple jobs. My wife pays for everything and basically does everything for her, Paid for all her college, rentals, car insurance, phone bill.

SD is very selfish and she feels anything we talk about is her topics. Ive tried to tell my wife over and over and over she is damaging her daughter. She will never be able to do things on her own. My wife is ridiculous and all she wants is to be in contact with her daughter. Its like she waits by her phone for her daughter to text her with a problem so she can put her cape on to rescue her!!! And my mother in law is the same with her son. I feel like im in a no win situation here because my wife grew up to this type of behavior. My wife gripes about her mother and how she wipes her brothers butt, without ever noticing shes doing the same thing to her daughter.

When SD was away at college, i got some relief. We rarely fought. We usually only ever fight over her daughter. SD had a cool boyfriend i really liked. I was hoping he would take her away and give her a happy life. Well, after 3 years he decided to dump her and im pretty sure i know why. She is a needy brat that always complains about everything! I could go on for hours about all this stuff!

Many times i have thought about leaving but stuck around because there were some peaceful times. Now my SD is moving back with us and im really worried this could make or break us. I have been seriously thinking about moving on. I am 54 years old and really dont want to start over because its so hard to find a good match. Im not affraid of being alone, i just enjoy the company of a woman.

Am i wasting my time? Will my wife ever let go of her daughter enough to love me equally? Because i feel like they are the married ones and im the third wheel.

I don't know. If this is the

I don't know. If this is the relationship she is used to having with her DD, then it's not likely she will change on her own.

You'll probably need to bring up the topic again and be a lot more straightforward about the damage she's doing and the fact that shes acting just like your MIL.

Why is your SD moving back in?

She is moving back in because

She is moving back in because her BF dumped her and she no longer wants to be on her own. I forgot to mention she lives about 3 hours away. My wife is insisting she moves back because she wants to spend more time with her.

I have told her she is acting like her mother several times and she gets really pissed off.

For the record, can you please tell me what DD means? There are many more of these codes i dont know the meaning of. Thanks in advance!

Abbreviations

https://www.steptalk.org/faq#a2

What about FH because I

What about FH because I always assume fing husband, which in fairness is apt.

FH might be future husband?

FH might be future husband? not sure though.

FH = Future Husband (or Fat

FH = Future Husband (or Fat Head, is some cases...)

FDH = Future Dear/Darling Husband

I am confused on why she

I am confused on why she wants her daughter to regress... I can see if there was a break up and SD wants to move back closer to family. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean moving back home, or if it does it only means for a month or 2 while she secures her new job and gets an apartment.

This business about not wanting to live on her on is stupid. That is what you are supposed to do as an adult. If she doesn't want to live totally alone, find a girlfriend and get a roommate. I would probably lay it out very simply for my spouse if I was you:

SD has 3 months to get here, get a job and move back out. Agreements will be formally signed as will house rules. Rules will include no over night guests, curfews, chore expectations. She can save her money while she is here- however, there will be no excess spending on her part just because she doesn't have rent- she needs to save for the rent she is about to have!

If SD doesn't move out in 3 months- then say that you will.

My DW wants her to move back

My DW wants her to move back in because she is selfish and doesnt seem to want to let her go. Of course SD will oblige because its free and its all the mollycoddling she can handle. My SD cant do anything on her own. She tried to get me to drive almost 3 hours away to change her dead bolts on doors to keep ex boyfriend out. I told her NO! That is a simple job to do.

I maintain that I would

I maintain that I would demand a contract. If your DW doesn't have a plan for her kid to launch then the 2 of them can live happily ever after without you.

I have 0 tolerance for adult children living at home after college.

I wouldn't be overly

I wouldn't be overly concerned about what a teenage old girl did in the past. All teen year old girls are evil so let that water go under the bridge. Paying for bills and college, that's pretty typical for parents to do while they are in school. Moving back in after a breakup? Meh, she's an adult right? She's been out adulting so should keep that momentum. When adult kids move back in it reconstructs the parent/child dynamic again and gives them a "break" from life. Adults take vacations not mommy sponsored retreats from responsibility.

Have a discussion with your wife about what her daughters plan is. Is she working now? Is she going to quit her job and just move home? How long is she planning to stay? Will she pay rent? How will she do that if she is unemployed? Is your wife going to work extra to pick up the daughters extra bills and expenses? How exactly will this work?

Have a plan. If your wife insists that her daughter move back then the girl needs to hit the ground running. Don't let her lick her wounds for 6 months or even years. Look for living situations and possible employment opportunities now. Let her know exactly what you are willing to do for her. Help her transition for 6 weeks tops, help with 2 months living expenses tops...

You're going to need to be very firm and clear with your wife on this. She'll likely be p*ssed for a bit but oh well, better than having the girl move in for years with no end in sight.

"Will my wife ever let go of her daughter enough to love me equally?

^^About that, parents love their children is completely different from their spouses. There will be no equal. She loves her daughter 1000%, and it sounds like dd is her only child right? So make a million percent or more. She loves you as her spouse. Don't expect there to be some weird scale that is balancing between you and the daughter, it's not going to happen.

My SD is bringing her dog

My SD is bringing her dog with her. My DW told her she didnt want the dog here as did I. SD just bitched until my DW gave in. I told DW i am not taking any responisibilty for that dog. That means i will not let the dog out when i get home from work if SD is working. I have also told DW i am not cooking or grocery shopping for SD. I guarantee my wife with get pissed with me eventually even though she heard my gripe. I give her 2 weeks until i hear the complaining im not doing enough to help SD out. She will accuse me of being a bad step parent. I know all of this because of past practices.

Get expectations set down in

Get expectations set down in writing. If the SD is coming and you cannot stop it, then insist on a Lease Agreement, just like any other adult would get. She pays rent, she has rules, she has a move out date. Insist on it - if she got another apartment it would be the same situtation; if you wife does not agree to it then you know where she stands, and that isn't on helping your SD get over it and get back to her life. And then you have to really think about what you want to do.

Ive already started my

Ive already started my plotting. I have a nearby hotel i can stay at for weekly rates. I shouldnt need more than a week or two to get myself into a rental. There are storage units across the street from that hotel. This will keep me situated for a little bit. Im not too worried about lawyers. My wife has more money than i do and makes the same amount yearly. Its a break even situation. I know she wont resist and neither will I. Im going to progressively start looking for areas i want to live in. Im hoping it doesnt come to this but at least i have a plan in place. Ive also been taking mental inventory of all my stuff.

No is a complete conversation. Just say no.