I've had it and unsure if I can stick this out the rest of my life
I'm not new to stephell and I've been off and on this board for many many years under my old screen name and my new screen name in fear of being discovered.
My DH is spineless. Yes I know I have a DH problem PERIOD. We've been married for 11 years, together 14. I live in the first marital home he shared with BM who only lived there for 3 years. I've been there for 13. However she's always thought she still had a say and still does and my DH has never given her boundaries afraid of upsetting the apple cart. Same thing with SD's 22 & 19.
People I've had it honestly and the sad part is I love my DH and we have a good relationship until you throw BM and SD's into it. I've been all of their door mats for 14 years. BM has only cared to participate in being a part-time Mom, my DH is a workaholic and I've been the one to pick up the pieces with their kids but guess who's on the pedastal, sure isn't me or my DH of course. The last 2 years I've been absolutely fed up, I mean FED UP. My life and my own children's lives have revolved around SD's custody schedules all these years, if we were to have a holiday dinner we had to do it after the fact because they always went to their grandmother's house on BM's side.
Which leads me to my latest frustration. We have never spent an Easter with SD's. They are very close with their Mom's family and always spend every holiday with them. I don't always make Easter dinner and for Thanksgiving I always have to do it the Sunday after to accomodate SD's schedule with BM's family. These girls are now adults and no longer come to our house for visitation. This Easter I decided to do a dinner with my BD26 and BS23. I did not mention this to SD's as they always are at their grandmother's nor do I really talk to them anymore for numerous reasons. Well SD22 rides by our house Sunday and see's my kids cars there and calls my DH and confronts him. Of course he plays it off, sweeps it under the rug and changes the subject. I was fuming. I'm done having my life revolve around these two grown adults girls. When SD22 does come to our house when my BD26 is there she is so rude to her in the looks or not speaking to her it makes it so uncomfortable and awkward. These kids have grown up together and my SD22 has always had this horid attitude toward everyone and I'm just sick of it honestly. My biochildren have no other family but ME. My parents died when I was young and their BD is an addict along with their grandfather and their grandmother died many years ago. So I'm both Mom and Dad to my kids.
DH gets a text from BM yesterday that says "Did you and your wife really have an Easter dinner and not invite our daughters in their own home but had her kids there"? Of course Mr. Spineless doesn't respond because he hates confrontation. First of all, her kids do not live in our home anymore, they used to come there every other week, 7 days on 7 days off. Now SD22 lives with her bf and SD19 lives with BM full time. Again BM still thinks she has a say in our home. I've already put her in her place once over this kind of crap but I'm at the point this isn't my problem, this is my DH's problem to handle. The angry me wanted to text her so bad and tell her what goes on in our home is NONE of her business and who comes to our home to eat is also none of her business.
Her kids were not invited because it's a given they are always at their grandma's house, my DH has very little relationship with either of his daughters and I'm done facilitating his relationship with them. DONE. We have NEVER spent an Easter with them! My life does not stop for these grown women and why should I not have a dinner with my own grown children because these ungrateful SD's I've dealt with all these years cannot come and we have to reschedule it to suit their needs.
I'm truly over it all, it's to the point this situation is going to be the demise of my marriage. I am 45 years old and cannot imagine dealing with this BS the rest of my days on this earth. No man or marriage is worth this crap of dealing with the BS from an ex-wife and Skids!
Ya that is BS. Did you really
Ya that is BS. Did you really not invite people you knew couldn't come??? THE HORROR! I would have responded to her myself telling her to STFU and nothing more. I am leaving over SS and to some extent BM (she isn't around and not a huge pain in our lives but NOTHING can be planned ever because she may or may not take her parenting time and SS16 can't so much as stay home one night alone as he cannot be trusted). I leave Sat and am terrified but OVER having this child run my life.
Your DH needs to grow a spine or you leave. No in between. That isn't even an ultimatum, just a fact you tell him. "Get your shit together or I leave. You have 90 days to prove yourself".
Omg I’m sick just reading
Omg I’m sick just reading that. I am sorry. There is absolutely ZERO reason on this planet that BM should be texting your DH about their adult daughters especially not about something in your home. Oh hello no.
This is crazy! I will tell you that when my SDs are that age (now 16 and 11 and CS ends at 18) and if BM tries to involve herself in our life in anyway ever again....I will personally tell her to F off and if it means that step brats try to guilt DH and he plays into any of this...he can pack his bags. My bio kids and our shared toddler will NOT be living this lifestyle once his kids are 18 and at this point when they turn 18 I am planning on moving us to another state.
Uhhh
If she was driving by, why didn’t she stop in? If it’s “her home” she should have felt comfortable enough with pulling over and coming in to say hi and grab a bite to eat. My parents have switched houses like 5 times since I launched and I’d still feel disrespectful for just driving by and spying.
You go past your mom and dad’s house? You park that car and go give hugs.
I'm with the others - just
I'm with the others - just let DH know you are done coddling SDs and cowing to BM's pressure and you will do as you please in regard to holidays, etc. If he wants to continue to cook his Precious Princesses a separate meal the next day, he can knock himself out. And if he wants to continue to allow BM to bully him when he has no further need to even talk to her, that's on him, too.
Go about living your life and making yourself happy. You might find you don't need to get a divorce, you just needed to stop living by DH's cowardly rules.
Tell BM not to contact either
The skids are grown, BM doesn't get to bother you anymore. Tell BM not to contact either of you again, and block her on both of your phones. If she persists, have the police let her know to stop harassing you.
I agree with blocking BM.
I agree with blocking BM. Since the skids are grown adults and BM is just being a pain in the @$$, there is no reason to even allow her to contact you at all.
So SD drives by your home,
So SD drives by your home, sees your kids car there and texts BM. BM texts DH and then DH tells you. Talk about indirect communication.
Are they incapable of communicating with their father ahead of time about Easter plans? They're not available to drop by but can drive by and spy. What a drama fest!
It’s also your fault.
Just make Holiday dinners when you want. Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving, Easter on Easter, and who comes over, enjoys the holiday with you. SK don’t get two Holidays. They either eat with you or other family .
Nobody gets to have an
Nobody gets to have an opinion about who is or is not in your home—except for you and DH. BM and SDs wants to cause drama? They can have at it — it’s their drama so don’t take it on as yours.
You don’t have to please those other people, and it’s a waste of energy to try. Don’t let them take up so much space in your head.
You've hit the wall, and it's
You've hit the wall, and it's changing you. You're seeing your H more clearly and you've removed yourself from the equation, which is causing upheaval for everyone. You're going through a growth spurt, within your marriage. No one in your dynamic understands what's happening, what the purpose of the changes are, or what the end goal is. Well, we know you want to get healthier. But does your H?
I went through the same poo. Stopped being a facilitator and doormat, started seeing my DH as he really is. Look, it's all poo. You've all made mistakes. Now you're evolving, which is hard. It's like the stages of grief, and you don't have to 'do' anything at the moment except continue to work through this transition. I hated my H's guts for about a year as I went through my angry phase. I hated his weakness, the way he lied to himself, his poor parenting, his fragile ego and his conflict avoidant ways. (Some of that anger was at myself, but it took a while to realize it.) I considered divorce, but my focus was me, the process, and discovering how I needed things to be. In the end, my DH is still a flawed person with a crazy family, but thanks to my boundaries, we have a healthier, peaceful life.
We draw boundaries, and others resist and test them. It's all part of change, and each boundary helps create a template for a new way of living for all of you.This is a process, and it takes TIME. The anger doesn't last, so try not to make any big decisions just now and instead, make small ones. Like, I will live my life for myself...I will mother my children without interference...I will not be controlled by other people's problems.
Look for ways to let go of your DH's problems,and to make him be responsible for them. Case in point: Easter. An opportunity to draw a boundary. Tell your H that he needs to handle his business with his ex away from you. You don't want to know, you don't want him talking about her or taking calls from her around you. Tell him his daughters are adults, he doesnt ever have to speak to his ex again, and you've more than done your time tolerating her toxic poo. Do that, and you've created one bit of structure that can actually help your H during this transition.
I always look forward to your
I always look forward to your wisdom. Thanks for that long very helpful and encouraging reply. I'm bookmarking it so I can read it until I get it
Lol, far too long, but I see
Lol, far too long, but I see so many similarities between us and just want you to get through this stronger and better. I'm pulling for you!
Op. To me, they’re stalking
Op. To me, they’re stalking you making you miserable it’s what they do with their time on earth. Very sad. The ex calling and saying that. Um, your dh is the problem he should of said what my wife and I do is non of your business,click. Why is she having a say about your personal life ? The kids are grown her number should be blocked. ( my dh blocked her cell, work, and then the emails came he blocked it so where they all go to his attorney) sounds like the step daughters are main trouble makers too. I’ve experienced this adult skids trauma , time to really get tighter boundaries.
I know you love dh like who’d put up with all this abuse!? But, hear me it’s abuse love don’t live this.
if my dh didn’t drop the Disney crap and if he hadn’t maned up I’d be long gone. Sometimes we have to step back. Take a two week vacation and think all this abuse through. I wouldn’t of been able to do what you did. I have high blood pressure and I can’t stress like I use to, it’s going to affect your health. It’s not healthy for your bio kids either. Sometimes we need to make choices on how to be more happier. For me, I’d rather be alone then to subject myself to physical emotional abuse like that. He really sounds like the problem to so much drama. It’s not your burden to carry
This could have been so much
This could have been so much fun. If BM is that focused on you and your family she is ripe for being played like the cheap instrument she likely is.
So play her and have some fun.
"BM, my husband has no use for you and his kids always are with their GPs for Easter. Is your existance so pathetic that you think we give a shit about what you think? Crawl back under your rock and STFU. Thanks and Happy Easter!"
Tune up your script of cutting ass baring comments and any time BM crawls out from the bottom of her shallow and polluted gene pool roll the script and bare her ass.
Have fun. Getting them spun up and spluttering is a great hobby. They play right into it again and again.
Enjoy!