Well it all came to a head last night and DH and I are seperating. On Saturday SS said something along the lines of "I hate you more than I hate my SD". For reference he has barely seen his SD short of a few days at his moms as he only see's her for Spring Break and half of summer. He didn't even know SD was in fact married to his mom because she hid it from everyone (we truly find it odd and have no idea why). I am the one who cares for him, takes him to school, cooks meals for him, cleans up after him. Now I have disengaged a lot but for a year my husband couldn't drive so I had to drive him to work and pick him up daily. That included dropping SS off at school, basically since we drove by it on the way. That also included bringing him dinner when he had play practice and picking him up at 10pm. when it was done (they had double's for weeks and were given a dinner break but there is no where close enough for him to go get food so I made, kept warm and dropped him off dinner every night). I would be driving back and forth 6 times a day. He had to clean up his own spaces but he is a slob so I of course end up cleaning up after him by default because I want a clean home. I make dinner for us all nightly as I stay home. Anyway. When he said that I just clicked and was done.

I left my husband last August because of issues with SS. He had become phyiscal with me then accused me of doing so with him, which I DID NOT because frankly if I had he'd have had the marks to prove it because he was so horrible. I never even accidently brushed against him. I left since it wasn't safe for me to be in my own home. It was awful. DH convicned me to come back with the caveat that things would change. Basically the only thing that changed is that I suffered through it all without opening my mouth when prior I would say something. I just bottled it all up. Every minute of the day I would seethe playing out conversations in my head because I never spoke up.

So after him saying that Saturday I was just DONE. Something in me clicked. So Monday night he is being rude and I tell him off, I FING LOST IT. I for sure said horrible things no one should say to anyone, let alone a child, but I did not care because I was done and it was over. After, DH talked to him and then came to talk to me. I told him I couldn't do it anymore. We talked and he admitted we are all miserable and it isn't working as it. He mentioned that the only thing he could think of is family counseling but I told him there is no fixing. The only option is for the child to not be in my life anymore and he isn't shipping him off to BMs so that means me leaving. I love my husband and it is not what either of us want but I just can't live this way anymore.

SS had today off school so I asked DH to stay home from work because a.) I didn't want to be in the house alone with SS and b.) after so much emotion last night I just wanted him to be home with me. Plus I know we were both mentally exhausted so he did. We just ran some errands quickly, had lunch together and I cried a lot. It is weird because I haven't cried in so long. It is like my emotions have been stuck inside me. I wouldn't say I cry a lot usually but I can be an emotional person so it happens somewhat regularly. Frankly sometimes it feels good ya know, to get it out. I laid in bed for a while today crying, husband held me.

Now I am sad. My body physically hurts...that could've been the alcohol last night too as I was so upset I decided to have some and my old ass gets hungover like crazy these days even with a small amount of alcohol ha. I got a quote on moving and I do have somewhere to go back in CA. I wouldn't stay in this shit hole for sure. We didn't discuss divorce today. We did last night. I mean, that is what is happening but I guess we both aren't quite mentally ready to think of the logistics right now.

I feel heartbroken, angry that a 16 year old brat has ruined my life, like a failure for being married a year and now ending it, stressed about having to start my life all over again. I gave up everything to be here with my husband, job, money, etc and now I have to start from scratch. I just am exhausted thinking about it.

I don't know when I will leave yet. I am going to stay with my friend who basically is just going to take care of me for a couple weeks. Some time resting, taking me to a nice hotel by the beach to relax, taking me shopping since this shithole I live in has no where to shop and I happen to love to, so a nice week relaxing and hitting the stores and some decent restaurants will be a good mental break. I am so drained emotionally that I need a mental vacation basically.

I am so so so sad to not be with my husband though. I love him. He is my best friend. He brings out such a great part of me. I suspect a lot of the rest of this week will involve lying around sad.