Why is the 16yo ‘owed’ anything just because you bought something for your kids. From the sounds of it the only person who ‘owes’ her anything is her mother.

Your DH needs to grow a spine & learn to use the word NO. Why is he putting himself at such a disadvantage to pay for his kids when BM is contributing nothing? Where is the ‘fairness’ in that?

Also, ‘fairness’ between children is a wonderful way to raise spoilt, entitled little brats who only ever learn to stick their hands in other people’s pockets & never learn the words ‘thank you’ for what they’ve got. 

We’ve told my SS’s plenty of times, just because one of you gets x, doesn’t mean the other one of you also gets x or gets y in it’s stead. That’s life. 

Your SD won’t just magically grow out of this either. She’ll be in her mid-twenties & thirties with a life of her own yet still holding her hand out every time you purchase something for the now 1yo, because that’s what’s ‘fair’. 

No. Your DH needs a spine, stat.

I would not go for this, at all.

First of all, he should stop giving BM extra money that is not court ordered. If he wants to do extra for his kids, he can do it on his time (which it sounds like he does that, anyway) not give that money to BM.

His kids needs to realize that what you do for your kids, has nothing to do with them and your husband just needs to say, "No."

Why was he asking YOU for $100.00  to give to his daughter?

His kids are old enough to know about child support. And old enough to learn that money doesn't fall from the sky and needs to be budgeted.

I never gave much thought to my SD knowing about CS until one day she was over when she was about 22, and it came up (she was getting a divorce and had 2 kids). She was shocked to learn that her dad had payed CS all of those years! Her BM had told her that DH paid for NOTHING.

Why in the world do they not know about CS? At their ages, they are capable of understanding the concept and situation. 

Stop enabling your DH to spend himself penniless. No more $100 checks from you to cover his guilt-enduced generosity.

Unless he is paying more than his share of household expenses.  Need to know more about that.  

I do not understand why he is paying child support if he has the kids half the time and his ex earns more.   Makes no sense. 

CS can be spent on food, and a share of rent/mortgage, imho, without the recipient being regarded as sleezy.  $1,000 is not that much for two teens. 

First off, 16 is plenty old enough to learn about CS.

DH can say, "DD - I pay your mother money to take care of you and your sister/brother - she buys you clothes, pays for activities, Etc.  The father of your stepsiblings pays SM money to do the same thing for them - she buys their clothes, activities, etc, and their father doesn't.  It's called Child Support, and that's how it often works after a divorce."

BUT, he won't say that, because he's a guilty daddy who feels like he has to hand over his entire paycheck and his testicles to his ex and his kids.

Secondly, there is no such thing as fair, and the sooner she learns that, the better.

I wouldn't put up with what your DH is doing.  He needs to spend money on his current marriage, not his past one.  Child support is fine, some extras are even fine.  But he shouldn't be buying them what Child Support is meant to buy them. And he needs to pull his weight in your home. After all of your bills are paid (including vacation plans, house remodeling, etc), then he can buy extras for his kids.

I do know that clothes at your house might have to purchased by him.  But probably not every time she comes over.

"Life isn't fair, then you die."

That about sums it up. We really don't [lay the "fairness" game. I think it's beyond stupid that your SD is acting entitled. Her BM has CS that she can spend on her, same as you have it to spend on your own kids. So "fair" in that situation would technically be BM taking her out shopping to since you're taking your kiddos out. Not your DH throwing more money at the skids. That doesn't say anywhere near fair to me.

What ProbablyAlready said. 

Tell her that you're taking your kids out with some CS money/some of your own money. Her mother is welcome to do the same with her. This is exactly what is "fair" if you're looking to be fair. But dad paying CS/extras than getting guilted into shopping trips on top of that? Not fair at all. 

For what it's worth, I don't believe in "fair" when situations are like this. 50/50 means that child is essentially in two seperate homes and stepparents have very, very minimal obligations. You are mom to YOUR kids, not your stepkids. If they live with you full-time and look at you as a mother figure, it might be different, but that's not the case here. 

And because of that, SD can be told to mind her own business and not tally what YOU spend on YOUR kids because it's rude. FYI, my SD is here full-time and sees me as a mother, but when her brother was born and needed all sorts of things (babies need beds, clothes, etc.) and she was trying to ask for things or say "but why did he get that" and stuff, I told her to mind her own. I reminded her that what I spend on, buy for, or need for my son is none of her business as it's MY money I'm spending. 

I do try to keep things "fair" between the two because they're both here full-time and her mother practically abandoned her, so she does see me as a mother, but I have no problem reminding her who's money she's whining about when she feels injustice. I do my best to spend equally but my son DOES get more because he's growing fast and needs more. Plus, at the end of the day, anything I buy SD should be taken as a gift as it's not my responsibility to provide for her. 

How does he handle the finances and financial burden of the "ours" baby between you two if he is shelling out tons of cash on his oldest two kids? That, to me, is where the flames would shoot out of the ears. Sounds like he is one of those dads that is going to try and buy their kids' love and try to win a popularity contest with mom,

So no, that would not fly with me. 

As for the CS debate on how it should be spent once it is out of the door in your house. Well, none of us can know for certain. I think most of us here either pay CS, receive CS or both. And for each person who gets or receives-- you'll get just as many answers on how it is spent and what they think it is being spent on. IMO, I don't think it's wise to dwell on that... because it always leads to dissatisfaction and unhappiness. We live in a very pro-mom state and like another poster said-- if you are the father, you will PAY. Dearly. My husband has never missed a CS payment, goes to every school event, is a WONDERFUL father who is equal parts love and tough love to his child... yet if you'd ask BM, she'd paint him as a deadbeat. It is what it is, I don't think about what she does with the money because thats just a waste of energy at this point. I just count down the years we have left paying for it and smile knowing we will eventually stop paying for her lifestyle and she'll have to figure it out right at retirement age.

For that reason, we do not give a penny extra TO HER outside of CS. We pay our court ordered share and leave it at that. Now, any extras that we decide to spend are just that-- extras. It's not demanded, it's not assumed it has to be equal and it can't be.

We have an ours baby and there was some jealousy at first (babies have sooo much stuff, as you know!)-- but we just explained that it was for the baby and not for them and they've got x,y and z that the baby doesn't have and left it at that.

1. How do his kids know you took your kids shopping and how much was spent?

2. Did I read correctly that you pay a greater amount of your household expenses because he "runs out" of money after paying far above what is court ordered PLUS extras for skids? If this is the case, he is making you subsidize him giving his ex-wife money. That needs to be reigned in, that is not right at all.

for starters money has to come from somewhere and they must know their mum constantly contacting their dad for money or his share etc...

my hubby tried to do the so called fair card except what he was providing his adult kids with ex was never gonna be provided to our kids. So i laid down the facts and figures, hubby couldn’t contradict it anymore and after 2 days of sulking admitted how unfair he’d been. I don’t expect things to be 100% equal because say if you have a baby/toddler and an adult or say 17 yr old perfectly capable of working, well it’s understandable the baby and toddler needs clothes, formula, nappies, baby wipes, baby powder and toiletries etc when the older teen or adult skid is capable of getting a job and financially supporting themself so baby in reality needs more things and costs more

my eldest sd23 tried lecturing her daddy to continue paying child support to her (allowance sent to her acct monthly) despite graduating from university and having a job and told daddy that she and her mum cover expenses for the sister. WRONG!! Your dad pays child support to cover expenses for your sister, bm pays nothing out of her own pocket as she hasn’t worked in the past 25/26 years..

so i told hubby if he is giving allowance money to adult kids then i want a savings acct started for our toddlers for their education costs etc. Hubby felt i was being greedy, so i repeated the above facts, he saw how unfair he had been and whilst he has a good income, he is capable of putting money aside for our kids instead of waiting for the future when something could happen like he loses his job and money

i asked him then all that money you gave to adult skids, do you think they’d care about our kids (their half siblings?). Well of course not...

the result we have are 3 skids who are so self centred and guilt daddy for everything

Quick thought - do you think your check has gone uncashed because BM saw it was from you? 

 As a woman and a mother, you have an obligation to manage and protect your assets. Second marriages are a whole different animal when it comes to finances, and you need to be both savvy and assertive concerning that. Resolve to do better. There are financial self help books written for women, so maybe do some reading to get the ball rolling.

Then, create a monthly budget just for yourself and your bios. Start by taking the c.s. you receive completely out. Pretend it doesn't exist, bank it for your kids. Next, create an imaginary morgage. Now figure out how to make ends meet. That's the budget you should be trying to live on, and it likely doesn't leave any extra for entertainment shopping or giving to BM.

Once you've done this and recovered from the shock,  you and your H really need to get some joint financial counseling so you can get on the same page and come up with a plan that includes funding retirement and your joint child.

Be prepared for some pushback from your H. As someone else pointed out, you've been subsidizing him and BM, so he likely won't enjoy 1) having to face that, and 2) seeing the gravy train end.

CS is all your DH should be contributing to raise his elder two.  If the CO stipulates that he also pay for half of medi cal expenses not covered by insurance then or course he should also be covering that. But beyond that... "I already gave that money to  your mom. Talk to her."

Your DH is apparently contributing nothing to your marriage and household.  Why would you tolerate that?

You are the one who is supporting your DH, his X and their greedy spawn.  Without you... he could not be pushing all of his income to his X, etc...

Boot his useless ass.

I would if I were you.

We have a baby OTW. SD10 constantly complains that "you buy too much stuff for him." She says this to ME, not even DH. I have been extremely blunt and just told her "It doesn't concern you what I buy my son. I don't tell you what your BM should/shouldn't be buying you. I can't control what she decides to spend her money on." 

DH and I keep our finances separate and pull money together to pay the bills. If he wants to buy something for his daughter, go for it, but it's not the SMs responsibility to be buying kids clothes, toys, extracurriculars, etc. They have two parents already. 

At 16 is she working? She can start contributing to herself.   My SS17 and SS16 both work and both provide themselves with things. They want to order food, buy themselves some new clothes, extras out with friends/gfs...comes from their bank accounts. SO does provide them with things too but, because you bought your 11 year old something (who is growing) your 16 year old SD doesn't need it too. But, small extras she can start providing herself. 
 

Skids live with us 100% full time and BM doesn't pay  a penny into them. No nothing. I do not pay for any bills on the house (it's his house), no medical for skids etc. I pay for everyone's phones, I help provide groceries, BUT I buy SD pretty much all her clothes and random things. SO provides her with big gifts but, I do the rest. That's pretty much my payment to SO because I don't pay any bills for the house. 
 

She is also old enough to know about CS and that dad doesn't need to go above and beyond when she is with him. 

Time to instruct your DH to find his balls, they are in BM's purse if he has trouble remembering where they are.

"I have given your mom money for that. Ask her for it."  Lather............. rinse .............. repeat.

CS and half of Med bills, PERIOD!  He pays BM to raise and care for his kids when they are with her.  The NCP should demand service for the money they pay and not supplement the CP's life style beyond CS and anything else the CO calls for them to support.

Not ................. one .............................. penny!

IMHO of course.